Six years of Ser3ndipity

I bailed on my plans this evening.  I had been smiling and looking forward to drinks,  friends and hugs from strangers to bring in the new year a few days ago,  but this morning something somehow felt... Different.

I've spent most of my evening thinking over the year,  how it hasn't ended the way I had hoped,  or gone the way I expected; and yet despite it all, all the stresses and worries and heartache I can't help but look back on 2015 and feel like I've come a long way.  On paper I'm the same,  same job,  same relationship status,  same bank account,  but in my heart and my soul,  something has twisted a little.  A small change.

I'm finishing the year single but it was my decision to bring it in alone.  My decision to try and look back at the beauty of the newly formed cracks in my soul,  because each and every one of them was a moment in time when I let myself believe in magic. When I didn't let the failures of the past stop me from taking a risk for the future.  I have to be proud of myself for that.

Happy New Year bloggers x

Home

Gathering myself together like a box of twigs.  Things feel really open at the moment,  I can't quite work out what has changed,  why I'm feeling different,  but it definitely isn't a bad thing.  I just need to try and stay in this place.

In two days I'll have been blogging for six years...  Wow

When I lose myself I need to remember where home is.  Home is the beach,  the water,  swimming,  and music.  It always has been.  It always will be.  When I'm there nothing mends,  nothing fixes,  but nothing is broken.   Everything is just calm and still.  My bubble.  My new apartment definitely feels like part of that these days.  My own things,  nothing of anyone else's.  A Ser3ndipity space.

I can't link you the song for this posting as it doesn't seem to be on YouTube for some reason,  so you'll need to click on Spotify or go hunting today...

The Beach - Home
Spotify link

Ocean Run

I saw a picture of him today.

A few in fact.  It was his daughters birthday and his mum had been snap happy.  He looked... Different.  So very different.  He has put on

a little weight,  has let his hair grow out,  and has a beard!! I was a little shocked.  The biggest difference however is how tired he seems.  He looks like someone who needs a giant hug and a break in life.

I know given everything I should be flippant and not give a damn,  but I don't work like that. No saw him in the photos and I just wanted to jump on a plane and go and make him smile.  I can't do that though,  of course I can't do that.

Why does life have to be so confusing.  I spill my thoughts out on this page and realise to anyone else (you!) I probably seem completely unhinged,  a total bunny boiler,  and a manic depressive.  Now I'm not going to say I'm the most together person in the world,  but honestly bloggers;  if you knew me in real life,  you would struggle to put 2 and 2 together and attach me to these ramblings.  In the real-world I seem quite sane.

I wish life had played differently and I had plans to bring in 2016 on the rainbow bench beach running hand and hand with him into the icy water at the stroke of midnight; washing all of this years pains and sorrows away.  Work, money,  lost love,  medical dramas and hot fat tears met with the sound of the ocean and the promise of something new.

2016 needs to be something different.  It needs to be Ser3ndipity reinvented.

Frozen

I held the mask up well today, secret santas, Christmas lunches and mandatory 'look at how happy and normal I am' facebook postings completed.  I have lied so much this last few days that I've forgotten how not to. 'You look pale' - 'I think I might have a cold', 'You look tired' - 'I stayed up late watching a movie', 'aren't you hungry' - 'I had a big breakfast'.  'You must be texting in the bathroom you've been there that many times today'... I couldn't bring myself to reply to that one.  The reality is too hard.  I just pretended I hadn't heard.

I pretended so well.  Then he called..

I don't know why.

My phone rang, his tone.  I saw his name on the screen and everything just stopped...

I wanted to answer so badly but how could I.

I couldn't look away, I wanted to pick up with every ounce of my being, but what would I have said?  As soon as the screen turned blank I began to sob.  I'm exhausted.  My body is exhausted.  My mind is exhausted.  I'm empty.

I text Evanescence, even though it is past midnight there she answered straight away.  The first thing she asked was if I had replied.  I told her I hadn't, that anything I could possibly say to him now would be a lie.  A lie to protect him from the truth.  Why risk tearing someone down when there is absolutely nothing you can do to repair what is broken.  Nothing I can do to turn back time to the place where I had something other than the irreversible to share, before all choices were taken away, before now.  Before I lost everything; we lost everything we never knew we had.

He text shortly after.  His text told me he had called to apologise but he guessed it was too little too late.  There was no kiss, no sign of warmth.

Evanescence told me I should be proud of myself.  That he is an ass.  That I'm better off without him.

I don't feel proud at all.  I feel lost.  I feel mean.

I'm stuck in a place where there is no right answer.  To call or text anything other than 'this is what happened to us, and I need you' would be a lie.  To text nothing at all makes my silence the final one. To answer... Too unfair.

What am I to do?

Incomplete - James Bay
Click for soundtrack

Falling Like Snow

Life, Love and Change... Three things that can spin your world upside down; none of which can be controlled, distorted - sometimes, influenced - maybe, but controlled, never.

I can't wait for the snow to fall.  It covers even the deepest darkest corners covering everything with a sense of something new.  A fresh start.  A clean slate.  I need that.

Flakes of hope and possibilities disguising the deep, dark, red, black and sadness filled voids. Something magical, a landscape of endless possibility and a sense of something else.  Something else out there, someone else out there.  Anything to pull me from where I am.  I've never felt so alone. Ridiculous misunderstandings and hormones and uncertainty spiraling out of control taking the place of outstretched hands and soothing voices.

I feel like I've lost my voice.  I can't seem to find it.  The words came to slowly,  the uncertainty was too long, and the knowing too short.  It's as if everything I ever wanted was right there; so close, and yet it didn't matter how much it might have been perfect, how much it might have been all I ever wanted; it was never going to be mine.  He was never going to be mine.  Our... was never going to be ours.

How much I would give to have him wrap me in his arms and say it is all going to be okay; that life is sometimes unbelievably hard but somehow in the end, it will be all okay.  It will be okay because this time, this time, even though it isn't the fairy tale ending... There's someone there, pulling me silently in to his chest, letting the hot fat tears flow down my face until the hurt is gone and there's nothing left to feel or say.  Silently covering me with love and kindness, painting my landscape blank.  Covering my heart and my soul with magic.  With snow.

I'll try to keep walking, with my old friend music pulling me along to its beat; lyrics soothing me through.   One step in front of the other.  

One day at a time

One hour at a time

One minute

One second

One breath.

Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence  - Sons and Daughters

click for soundtrack

Lost Souls

It has been bittersweet and I am left feeling sadness.

Lost connections, mis-communications and a longing from so deep inside it feels like it is spilling from my bones, flowing in my veins, embedded in my very being.  Somehow the my physical being and emotional makeup twisted together like DNA, differing origins yet oh so the same.

Twisting and turning this last few weeks, twisting and turning like the wind, free and yet trapped, unable to speak... How could I?  

He said he was my soulmate, that I made him smile from the inside, that I had reached inside and calmed him, that he loved me more than he thought he could and yet he let me go, threw me into the wind.  We didn't know it then, he will never know, but we couldn't have been more connected... Tears running red, thick and hot, painful and numb as life follows his lead and I'm left feeling empty and with no idea what happened, how it happened.  Neither a choice.  Both ending in a place I wouldn't have chosen however difficult the path.  

Today is the 13th... I've only just realised.

Its really hard being your own rock.  I've some fantastic people in my life, but all with their own little units, their own rocks, families and circles of the future... Words in their direction can never leave my lips. He is the only one I ever want to confide in but he is gone.  Left there standing as he threw me into the wind.

How ironic that in 10 days I'll be facing the most difficult day in my year, painted smile on my face, mums hand in my own as I make sure she walks through the day like a frog jumping thorough a puddle.  The rock.  Smiling on the outside, crumbling on the inside.  What a time of year for this to be happening all over again.  I didn't have the time to speak and now I never can.  I'm alone.

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control although everything is moving in slow motion.  I feel everything, and yet I feel nothing at all.  Unable to cry, unable to let go.  Falling apart.  

...I just want to hold your hand

Rhodes - Your Soul

click for soundtrack

Tempest

I can't find the words... 

Hcg

Elated levels of hcg,  protein and some blood... I stopped listening after hcg.

Fuck!

Fire & Ice

Have you ever seen the series Gavin and Stacey?  I have.  It's perfect.  I want that.  Surely it shouldn't be that impossible?

The last few days have been a bit of a blur, I've been forcing myself to go through the motions while suppressing myself from doing what would come so naturally... curling into a giant ball and texting Miles.

He called me the other day, it was a little unexpected and came exactly at the right time as I had not long returned from another horrific day at work (again!).  We spoke on the phone for about an hour, he calms me with such ease.  In terms of 'us', we are no further forward with, in fact we are no-where.  It's over.  We speak barely, never flirt and all the while I've still no idea (if this was the outcome), why he couldn't just have said it was where he wanted to be all along and saved me the pain of trying to grasp at something as it fades away like smoke.

He is always on my mind.  Today I was in a meeting at work talking about some conference call or other and out of nowhere out popped his name mid sentence.  Luckily I don't think anyone noticed.  You see even when I'm not thinking about him, I'm thinking about him.  He invades my dreams, my conscious thought and my resting mind... It is altogether impossible move on.  I just don't know how.

I found myself contemplating Facebook and the lives of others yesterday - a dangerous game; but I just don't get it.  In the last two years I've known two marriages one long term couple split up, all parties of which have since moved on.  It blows my mind!  How can people be so flippant about it all?!!?  What makes it so impossible for me when others seem to be able to flick a switch?  The last thing I want when love fails is to step right into the game, and even when I do I rarely 'fall'.  I think it took me a good two years to start dating after Clutz, and another two before I met Mr X; after him well... you already know that story; and here I am... Miles.

I didn't plan for this.  I didn't plan to fall for someone in a different country, I didn't plan to fall in love when I met him, and I certainly didn't plan to be where I am now; wondering where to go and how to squash feelings that for me are so real and deep that if I'm honest I struggle to understand how they came to be so readily.

Yep bloggers, I'm definitely a black or white girl.  There's no middle ground, even when I try to convince myself there is, god help you if you get caught in the crossfire of the land of grey - when the penny drops and I realise you'll never be more than mild amusement, I'm cutting.  There's no ghosting or fading away in this little chick's dating land.  Not when I'm the A-player. Smoke doesn't exist, only fire and ice.

I was at a friends wedding last weekend and was asked for my number by one guy and had another get my digits from my friend (he has yet to be found forgiveness) to text me and tell me he thought I was 'hot' - ummm way to rock the 90s vocab.  Needless to say rather than feeling flattered it only served to make me think about Miles and that bloggers resulted in the one thing any self respecting 21st century girl should aim to stay away from... The drunken text. Phones should come with brethalisers).  Did I mention the fact I was hot potato while making a total prat of myself declaring that I missed him I hear you wonder.  No, no I did not.  For all Miles knew I had been sat there sniffling into a glass of prosecco all night.  Not ceilidh dancing and playing enforced social butterfly - drunk text Ser3ndipity just went for full on mental case!   Wedding aside, men have been creeping about all over the place.  I've been asked for a drink thing by a guy at work who refers to himself as 'Hunter', I mean seriously... Hunter?!  Needless to say I  smiled politely and like with the others,  rapidly declined.  Mr Helicopter and a couple of guy friends I've known for a while also seem to have sensed the single-ness even though I've not declared it, and have made mumblings of drinks.  I'm just not interested.  There's some serious irony that Miles asked me what I would do if someone asked me for a drink if we were going to see where it went... I can't even bring myself to go for a bloody drink with a guy after its over, let alone when we were on the same track!

Red and Evanescence have both been giving me girl advice.  They're such great friends when it comes to listening to my boy dilemmas, but even by their own admission this one is tough because it is so rare that I declare I've fallen in love.  I'm not quite sure they know what to do with it to be honest.  I think they are both a little perplexed at it and are hoping I'm a little confused.  Evanescence told me I should cut him out, that he isn't any good for me, and that he's messed me about saying he wanted to see where it goes when he clearly doesn't.  She did a really quick about turn after giving me some solid anxiety advice when I first got back - she's the reason I did the jump and put my cards on the table telling him exactly how I felt and how I would be happy to slow things right down, right back to the start if that's what he needed providing he and I were going to be exclusive.  Yep, Evanescence thinks I should run for the hills and fast.  Red is a little more balanced, she and I are very similar in some respects and she knows it will take a lot for me to tell myself that there is nothing else that can be said or could done to find a way forward.  That said, she had me download tinder the other day and go swiping... 2 hours of  'left, left, left, left' and I realised it wouldn't matter if everyone on there had right swiped me, I would never know.  I wasn't interested.  They weren't for me.  They weren't him.  They weren't Miles.  I deleted it and removed myself.

I think Miles and I will drift further and further apart over the next few weeks, the festive season.  All the while him thinking it came to a natural end, and all the while I'll be thinking about him constantly as my mind runs things through over and over driving me insane wishing there was something I could do, but at a total loss for words.  He will disappear and I'll be screaming 'I love you, is there nothing at all we can do, please don't leave' on the inside.

It will sound insignificant and stupid to some of you, but I keep coming back to my tattoo...

One small heart with three dots.  Three.  Not four or five or six; three.  Clutz,  Mr X and the spare dot for the last guy I was ever going to fall in love with and give my heart to.  There was never going to be a fourth dot.  I don't want a fourth, I never wanted a fourth.  He was meant to be my forever.  How could I have read things so wrong.  I'm going to get it covered up.  Not to move on, but to signify that I found love three times, three fantastical times and that it was enough.  It isn't what I wanted.  It didn't end how I wanted, but I'm not looking anymore.  The fractures run too deep.  I'll work it all out, how to grow old by myself, how to move forward by myself.  How to press the stop button if I can't.  The girl who had three dots, three beautifully all encompassing dots, each more magical than the last.  I'll remember them all with love and fondness.  Love and fondness and wishes that one day at some point they look back and remember me with a smile.  If history repeats itself Miles will find the girl that magically lights him up in the not too distant future, the one that comes after me; always the one that comes right after.  His forever person.  I'll smile when he tells me, like I did with the others.  Smile while I'm breaking inside.  I know, I just KNOW he was the third.  I've never felt like that before.  Not fireworks and intensity, but softness, calmness and happiness.  Quiet and yet so incredibly loud.

Three dots.  One, two, and I jumped and there was the third when I least expected it.

I could tell you a million and one things, how I'm not sleeping because I can't switch off at night; how I've starting shaking and hear the blood whoohing in my ears as my heart beats through my chest each day I walk up the stairs to the office.  That I've been starving myself and my stupid messed up body has rebelled by bloating leaving me hating every inch of my body even more, the body that let me down, the body that wasn't good enough.  I could tell you about the pain in my abdomen, the cramping that has worsened and worsened over the last two weeks so much so that at times I'm doubled up in half that I'm petrified to go to see the GP about.  The thing is bloggers, it doesn't matter.  None of it matters, because the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing on my mind in a morning is him.  He'll never know how important he was to me and I'll never quite know if things would have turned out differently if I hadn't given him the unedited version.  If there was something I could do or say that could have us back on the exclusive page with the couple app still in play, lists and trips and adventures and dancing in the kitchen ahead.  It's funny how that's the thing that keeps coming back to my mind.  The simplicity of it all, the smile that lit me up on the inside.  The knowing that he and I could have lived in a cardboard box on the street and it would still have been enough.

We weren't Gavin and Stacey.  I was fire and he was ice.  I fell and he wasn't there to catch me.

If you had only one day left to live what would you do...?

I would try to figure out how to find happiness.

Stephen Fretwell - Run

click for soundtrack

13

1.  I'm still in love with him

2.  My body is starting to break again

3.  Something has to give at work. I spent today weighing up the options and found my body beginning to shake with nerves.  One less blink and I wouldn't have been able to hold back the tears

4.  I bought tickets to a gig.  Crazily expensive tickets

5.  Tomorrow is a friends wedding reception following his wedding in Vegas and already people are lining up 'single options'.  I couldn't be less interested if I tried

6.  Since I stepped off the plane and back into a world without the fairytale I've been asked for drinks five times.  Not once have I even had to stop for breath before smiling and declining

7.  Getting up and facing the world is not coming easy at the moment but I've not missed a day yet

8.  I forgot how fab I am at faking it

9.  I almost reached out today... I did reach out, but I was still at work.  At that time,  at my weakest point,  he was the only person I wanted to text.  His reply was fast.  I've being weird and fake joking and fake smile texting this eve.  He didn't call so I was right to hold it all back.

10.  I would have called

11.  I miss my dad.  Does that ever fade?  I'm envious of people with that quiet but open bond of support

12.  It's not that I want to be single, it's just that I know magic doesn't happen over and over.  I wouldn't want less than magical

13.  No one ever thinks they are a bad judge of character... I wonder if I am.  I think I might have been fooling myself all along

Kintsugi

I'm numb.

The last couple of days have been odd.  I've woken around 4am unable to sleep anymore, have headed to work at my usual time (for 7am), and by 1ish I've round myself utterly zombified.  It's like all the stress of work, moving apartment and my mind boggling 100>0 love life have become so intense that by lunchtime my brain just... shuts down.

My boss is (as always) totally overbearing and completely and utterly demanding.  Today she asked me to pull together a decile report from over 4000 lines of data containing approximately 65,000 pieces of information and to turn the findings into a presentation for 8am tomorrow morning.  Now to an excel whizz kid that might sound like a pretty easy job, but I'm not embarrassed to say bloggers that not once in my life have I had to do such a task and I had absolutely no idea where to begin.  Luckily I am well liked and so I managed to get a point in the right direction, however as suspected, the expert advised the data source was so mis-aligned and complicated that it would even take him half a day to complete.  I have absolutely no idea whether I have delivered or not.  I ran on auto-pilot from lunchtime and am convinced if I didn't work in a public space I have migrated into a hunch back with drool down my cheeks somewhere around 3pm.  The deck was sent just before I logged out and tomorrow morning 7am I'll find out if my ass is getting chewed out.  All I can say is thank goodness for google and its forums of excel gurus.  This little chick is firmly in their advisory debt.

I heard from Miles yesterday unexpectedly.  He asked how my day was going and what I was munching for dinner.  It was nice to get a text, although it made my heart a little sad at how much has changed in such a short amount of time.  Four months is all it took for my entire world to be lifted up, shaken about, and put back down again.  151 days for me to fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with a guy who will never truly know how unexpected that was, and how much he captured my heart, only to have it broken again and left wondering what the hell happened.  Tomorrow is the 13th, had we been able to make it work I would have been waking up to a 'Happy 4 months' text.  As it is... I'll be waking up to Friday the 13th and another day of trying not to think about where it all went wrong. 

As he had been in touch, I text this afternoon to see how he was doing and to ask for something to wake me up.  I had expected a random snap shot or comedy clip, what I received was something altogether different.  An invite on Facebook to a fully clothed public run into the ocean on the 1st January in his home town.  What did it mean?  Was it a 'run in the water, that will wake you up', was it a 'how awesome is my hometown, look how daft everyone is' or was it a 'come over for New Year, it would be great to see you and hang out'.   I asked if he was going to do it, he told me he would go along to watch.  I joked that I would be one of the runners if the invite had been intentional rather than an FYI.  He didn't respond.  I waited a while and found myself doing the passive aggressive (annoyed at myself for that) 'I'm guessing not then :p' text response.  His reply took some time and was a photograph of his food advising he had been making dinner.  There was no response.

I wish I could follow my own advice.  Step away when the area is blurred and the colour is intentionally grey, but the reality is, I've always been an answers girl.  When I love someone, it is black and white and I somehow need the beginning and the end to be the same.  Ghosting, drifting and fading away just don't cut it.  I need a sledgehammer.  The thing is... I'll never throw one and honestly... I think I'm too blinkin' nice for anyone half way decent to drop the bomb in my direction either.  You see... totally hopeless!

I still can't get over the niggling thoughts in the back of my mind that keep telling me if I looked different, things wouldn't have ended up like this.  Not as a reflection on Miles, but rather myself.  To talk to someone for weeks on end and to laugh, smile, and converse so well for it to all end with only one significant change.  It speaks volumes, and however hard that is to hear/swallow, I guess however difficult and seemingly impossible with all the constraints my tempremental body brings... I've got to try and change.  I can't be like this always.  I just can't.

I'm going to switch my food plan out tomorrow.  Vegetables and pulses aren't really getting me anywhere and I'm a girl with goals so it's on to permanent liquids and water to fill any gaps.  I'm not a huge fan of soup, in fact I tend to get bored of it half way through a bowl but then again - it almost sounds perfect.  I better have the blinkin' will power!

Blink 182 - I Miss You

click for soundtrack

Lost Connections & Lists

Today was the first day in a little over a month that I've had time for just me.  Time to take a breath, breathe in the world and just be.

Next weekend I need to fill the car with petrol and head to the ocean.  I need to feel at home again.

My new apartment is starting to take shape, my room a sanctuary of calm.  A bubble from the world.  Moving always makes me feel better.  Given the whole thing with Miles and work eating away at my core at the moment, it couldn't have come at a better time.  Fresh.  Clean.  Ready for the first stroke with the bright red brush.  All I have to do now is decide how and what to paint.

2016 is just around the corner.  Just around the corner and somehow I'm no further forward.  I've been running, climbing and pushing through walls the entire year and yet here I am... Same job, same city, same single girl wondering.  Its time for a list.

1. Lose 20kg (for starters)
2. Change my hair - It has been too long
3. Get to some live music
4. Soothe my soul with the beach
5. Change job.  Less talk, more action
6. Stop complaining.  It does nothing to help so just stop.
7. Smile.  Smile every day.  Fake or real, it doesn't matter.  I will smile and then maybe at some point it something will change and I'll find myself smiling on the inside
8. Find myself.  I don't know where or how I got lost, but I know if I just keep scratching at the surface I'll find her.  The better version of me
9. Record another song and find a way to share it with the world
10. Buy a new laptop - this one is on its way out and blogging is firmly in scope
11. Blog
12. Take up yoga
13. Find him.  Fight for him.

I spoke with Miles a couple of times while I was away this week.  I told him I missed him when we last spoke on the phone and his reply... 'You were only here a week' *sigh  I also made an attempt to talk over where we were which he actually seemed open to, but technology was plotting against us and so by my fourth attempt to hear the answer to the same question I've been hoping to hear for just over a month now I decided to just stop.

Things are so far away from where we were and I'm not so sure at this point that there's any going back, or any motive to move forward.  I miss the person I used to see.  The guy whose words spoke to my soul,  the guy whose voice calmed my troubles, and the guy whose flirtatious laughter and open honesty was always within reach.  He definitely cares or he wouldn't reach out at times, its just a different person at the end of the line when I answer.  Someone I recognise, but somehow don't know.  

Twin Forks - Who's Looking Out

click for soundtrack

Dubai

I'm really disappointed.

Candy Apples

It all comes down to the last person you think of at night.  That's where your heart is.

The last week or so has been hectic.  I've moved flat,  driven up and down the country,  climbed up and down 101 stairs 101 times carrying boxes and things so heavy I thought my arms were going to pop off,  have reached a period of clarity that has let me know for certain I need to move out of my current place of employment, and move fast (before I throw a chair,  desk and anything else I can get my hands on at the face off my Bette Middler looking boss),  and that's before I think about my not-so love life.  I am absolutely shattered!  

On the plus side,  I've managed to get this no eating thing down... Tonight was the first time for almost a month that I've felt like I've needed to just munch,  life however in this instance had me covered.  The hotel chef was clearly in lala land when he served up our working away from home goodies this evening so what had started off as a chicken Caesar salad and triple fried chips feast,  quickly became a cup of tea and a banana.  If I jump on the scales at Christmas and body wise nothing has changed,  I'm going to flip!  I'm medication cold turkey,  exercise insane and food minimising.  I should be a blinkin lollipop by now... I'm not seeing it.

Anyway bloggers,  my new apartment will have internet by the time I'm back home from working away,  and things are whirling so I think it's time to pull up your socks and strap yourselves in while I  dip my feet back into the waters of regular blogging.  In the words of Will Ferrell,  I need to 'get the funk outta my face' and grab my mojo back.

Love life wise things are well,  I've actually no idea.  Miles has said we should 'see how things go' but what the hell does that mean?  I'm certain he thinks I'm a stark raving lunatic who has to define everything but genuinely... I've no idea what he means by that.  Are we friends,  is there more,  should we visit,  are we flirting,  or is it a 'I don't really like you in that way but don't want to say' bullshit friend move?  I can safely say I'm 100% puzzled.  I caught up with Clio earlier this week and all she could say was 'I can tell you like him as you would have kicked anyone else to the curb by now' and she's right.  The thing is,  I think I'm in danger of making myself feel like some kind of harassment stalker if I'm not careful.  Who the hell wants to be that girl?  She sounds like a bathroom binocular watcher and hell no!  I don't wanna be her!  The thing is,  my idea of seeing where it goes ironically seems to be much more fluid,  but when met with barriers and silence when I make a suggestion or throw out a flirty comment,  it's pretty hard to know where the hell we are.

The last few days or so Miles has been in touch more,  he's asked about work,  my boss,  listened to me sound off,  and has made me giggle about candy apples,  Dhillon his dog,  and a few other random bits and bobs.  It's just weird to be met with a 'hello' and left with a 'goodbye' when a flirtatious meander about where we might go from here would surely see the occasional 'baby' or 'beautiful' thrown in?? Surely none of that would indicate a firm line of friendship rather than a 'I thought we were seeing where it goes,  and going forwards together'?

Ironically I think the uncertainty sends some kind of sonar into the world because the ones I'm not interested in... Boy have they started to come out of the woodwork.  In the last week I've heard from at least six guys I've previously been on dates with,  all asking me for coffee or testing the waters to see if there will be a positive response if they push the barriers.  What is it with boys and timing, and why is it the only guy I'm interested in flirting with is somewhere between friend-zone and playing hard to get?!  

Life would be easy if I was someone who just wanted someone to give me attention. Unfortunately I want the one that sings to me down the phone,  reads me to sleep,  dances with me in the kitchen,  makes me giggle from my tummy,  and whose voice soothes me so that my whole world of troubles melts away,  if only for a few minutes.  How easily and readily I would jump on a plane every second weekend to just see where it goes if I thought that was an option.  At this point it isn't something I feel I could suggest,  it would need to come from him.  I don't think it will...

I wish I could download my brain onto a file and send it over.  Words don't really seem to flow when it comes to Miles (I'm guessing you've worked that out already).  I can't quite seem to say what I'm feeling,  and when I try it never seems to come out right.  If he could see inside my head,  at least he would know I'm about midnight walks,  swings,  wine breakfasts,  board games, goofy giggles and smooch my kisses in a world of laughter that no-one else has to define.  That the only thing I need reassurance on is that while we take steps,  however small,  we know that neither one of us is doing the same thing elsewhere.  Yet even on this page it doesn't sound right.  It somehow isn't quite that,  because that sounds too rigid.  

Tomorrow's a new day.  Maybe something will shift and life will throw me a sign that I'm on the right path...

No prizes for guessing who the last person on my mind is tonight x

Insignificant

There's a moment when you realise... Sometimes there's a build-up and sometimes it hits you smash in the face.  I think it's been a little of both.

You are what you are in this world and sometimes no matter how hard you try,  nothing can remove you from that,  your inner self.  My inner self looks after people.  She checks others are ok,  supports people even when the world is crashing down around her feet,  and always,  always things about the emotions of others before making a step.  Unfortunately this leaves me... her... Wide open to be taken for granted.

This last few weeks I've been supporting Miles and his mum through some work things and hard times,  not something I consider a task,  a chore or an effort.  Something I wanted to do because it's nice to be nice and when you can help people,  you should.  That said,  it's greyed the lines.  the last 24hrs or so have definitely smashed me in the face.

Miles knows my boss is being an asshole,  my job is making me unhappy to the point I've developed some weird ass anxiety and stress cough,  I have been ticking down to homelessness having handed in my notice on my current place and having had the worst more exhausting experience trying to find somewhere,  and all the while trying to face the world with a smile on my face because if I allow myself to stop for just one second and think about how I've fallen in love and have been disgarded without any kind of explanation again,  I'm scared what I might do.  Top that off with what I know is slowly becoming an exceptionally unhealthy relationship with food (or lack there of) due to in the toilet body image,  and you would think he of all people would notice right?  It appears not.

The place we met is being actively used,  a photo I took with my hair showing at th side of his face bait for what is quite clearly now an active pursuit.  Texts telling me to call anytime, yet catch ups that are pushed aside for television programmes and to be continued conversations that are quite clearly never going to be on the agenda.  Oh,  and despite being infuriated at myself for even noticing,  but likes on ex girlfriends photos (I can't express how pissed I am for noticing that one)!!

No bloggers,  no support thrown the other way at all.  It's like I'm the person who never needs an explanation,  or to understand,  or a virtual hug.  Just a sounding board,  shoulder and supportive voice to be utilised and then forgotten about.  I'm sat here typing this thinking I'm being harsh,  but then it all comes back to the same thought... 'I like you more now than I did before' and yet... If actions spoke they would boom.

I really do deserve better than this.  I deserved an explanation.  I deserve the truth.

The irony in the whole thing is that if I had just been given that, and the time and respect the situation needed,  with the occasional hand out in my direction... I wouldn't be feeling like this.  I'm not someone who lives in a bubble,  I know sometimes the chips fall the wrong way,  but is it really so much to ask that people man the fuck up and tell you what the hell they want?!?   Because right now this doesn't fall into relationship,  friendship or fuck-off-ness

Then again... Apparently that's just me 'overthinking'

Then

You're anxious... I stay lazing about in my pjs until 4pm so you don't feel pressured to go out and can calm down
You're anxious... I bite back all the words in my mind and my mouth and sit silently holding your hand

You're anxious... I rub your feet while you relax and then sit silently under your sleeping body while you rest 

You're anxious... I look at your 'on the inside' on Pinterest,  I know you've given me the answers, I just need to pick them out

I say I love you... You kiss my head

I say I love you... You don't hear (or do you)

I text I love you... You say nothing

I say I love you... You say I know

You smile at at me like there's no one else in the room and we have a hidden secret.  I hear you've called me 'amazing',  am I so different now I'm standing right next to you?

You pull me in and kiss my forehead and I feel safe

Your daughter says hello to me and your eyes show utter kindness as you tell me. 

You miss your kids... I ask you about them so you hopefully realise as you talk how amazing you are

You miss your kids... I touch your arm so you know I'm there when you're on the phone and it whirlwinds out of control as I hear her aggressive and self-righteous tones and have no idea what drew you in

You miss your kids... I would move the world to help you see them just to step back and let you spend time with them

I get close... You push me away 

I step away... You reach out

I think we are lost... You tell me we aren't

I feel you like me less... You tell me you like me more

You tell me you want me to visit again and when I least expect it you move or speak in a way that throws my doubts to the ground.  You say let's see how it goes but I've no idea if you're telling me I'm single or we are taking a leap of faith into the unknown.  Bonnie and Clyde and a world of Skype calls and plane trips in the soon to be 'what if' adventure of romance and tender moments

When you turned my way,  lifted my chin and came in for a kiss at the beach it felt like we stepped in the same direction... Could we be so far away now?  

I lay next to you... My body is aching for your touch

I lay next to you... Your breathing soothes my soul

I lay next to you... Your hand reaches for mine and it feels like everything else has melted into non existence

I wait for you to turn around and pull me in close... It doesn't happen.

Our silence is often but I could get lost in it happily if there was a sense of knowing.  This silence however is different... It's somehow deafening.  I've never been pushed so hard in the opposite direction while feeling at the same time it isn't quite what it seems and I'm right to keep reaching out and showing you I'm not what you expected,  I never will be,  I'm not her,  I'm not them,  and my hand will always be there.

I'm so utterly lost in you.  I'm so scared to know what happened to those three words that seem to have been lost on your lips... You are my crash landing ••• 

Reaching

I've had the hardest couple of weeks...

Work was nothing short of brutal this week and today was almost the breaking of me.  Thank goodness for great colleagues who bought me hot drinks and made it a little better.  Kept me from cracking up and shedding a tear at least.  I'm a driven person and I really want to get ahead in life,  I've also the golden salary to still achieve,  but is it worth it?  This job certainly isn't.

Love life wise... I'm so utterly disappointed

I've been blogging for years and those of you who have been reading all along will know that from time to time I go through phases,  but for someone to really get under my skin is rare.  I am little miss dismissive with my checklist and lack of tolerance for anyone who treats me anything less than perfect.  Several men lay in my wake the last few years OOJ, Mr Hellicopter, Beaker, Cherry and a many more who were that insignificant in the grand scheme of things I'm unable to recall their names.  Only two people have played on my mind in that time... Clerk (of course he would,  we were friends for years), and now Miles.

I can't get him out of my head.  How can I? He is right for me.

Everything whirls round and round and I've no idea where to go.  Up is down,  and right is left,  and all the while he says he likes me more than before and yet somehow here we are... Not moving forward.

Evanescence has been my rock.  I have no idea what I would have done without her!  The sister of Mr X, and even she sees it in me, the 'knowing' that I know.  Only there's nothing she can do to change things,  she can only hold my hand (virtually) as I try to steady myself and find my feet again.  I don't want to find my feet tho... I want to be swept off them.

Miles asked me 101 questions about giving things a go the other day,  I'm not sure if he was trying to work out if I would put him aside some point for someone closer,  with less challenges,  or if he was trying to see how free he could be while keeping me on the side.  I don't think it was the latter, but then again he has confused the hell out of me with his lack of commitment to anything and evasion of topics since we met.  Ironically the girl who tends to fall in love and then meander into a relationship has somehow become the opposite I his eyes.

I wish he could take a glimpse at my world here,  see how I truly am and then feel settled in the knowledge that taking risks and jumping in puddles is in my nature,  but not something I chose to do with most.  Maybe then would he be less inclined to curve and bend and leave me standing with my eyes filled with heat and salt, and my heart like its about to burst.

I know it's wrong and if you weren't anonymous readers then I wouldn't disclose,  but the only thing keeping me sane right now is the hate I keep directing at my body.  The emptiness in my stomach and the pain from the lack of medication.  It's reminding me I'm here.  I here,  in not invisible,  and I while everything else is spiralling out of control,  I have this.  My newly formed focus.  My way to hate all the things that hold me back without having to speak.  My secret.

Control

I need control.

There's so little in life that you can control... My life is one giant uncontrolled pot at the moment.  My job is tiresome - overworked,  underpaid, and dying to break out and be challenged; but there's so little opportunity.  Financially I'm in an ok place, but I'm currently packing to move in with g-star for the next six months.  It will allow me to save cash,  and reassess where I want to be.  It definitely isn't here.

I need to be by the ocean,  I have to live by the sea.  I've always known it is the place that soothes me, but visiting Miles and taking some time on my own one afternoon to let us both have some space after a conversation that saw the crack appear in the magic bubble, made me realise how much.  Miles aside,  I found a place I could quite readily call home.  A safe haven.  A beautiful bubble of a place.  I need to find somewhere like that and move.  I have six months.  I need somewhere to soothe and calm my soul.  Wash it all away.

I also need the sunshine.  Something to soothe my aching body and feed me in the only way I want.  With warmth and peacefulness.  Quite happily I could shrink if I felt warm and calm.

I've started demanding control.

I'll no longer play the long game at work.  I'll take what I want,  stand my ground, and look to move on as soon as possible.  There's a part of me that keeps thinking I should move the Gstar plan to one side, sell everything and just go... Go somewhere and fade.  Somewhere sunny where I can ache and shrink and smile.  I'm done with fighting my own body too.  I fight with control of this beast every day,  and every day sense and those little thoughts in my head win.  They aren't winning anymore.  I won't let them.  I'm going to flip things on their head.  Embrace the ache, the churning and the hunger.  I will be in control.

If only I had been in control sooner.  If only I had understood all I needed to do was twist and anger in the right direction... At myself,  and smile at the pain rather than make it go away.

I miss him.

Unfortunately you can't control people.  If I had looked different, I wouldn't be here now... He might not see it, but I do.

Pebbles

I've slept and nothing feels any better.

Miles sent me a couple of unrelated messages last night, and tried to call.  He definitely has no idea how cutting his words were, it's like he doesn't see how fragile I am at all.

I remember him once describing anxiety as a world where you constantly think about others before yourself, and everything is worst case scenario which becomes so consuming and debilitating you are continually exhausted.  I'm starting to think I've never been that far removed from that world,  I perhaps just didn't realise it.

I'm not sure why, but the fact he called last night was the one thing that calmed me to breathe deeply and find a way to sleep.  Just knowing he was reaching in my direction,  for whatever reason.  It soothed me.

I couldn't answer of course, what would I have said?  

I have no idea where to go from here.  I know most would tell me to pull the plug and step away, but I never want to do that.  That's how I know... He has a piece of me that I don't want back, and I still want to be that person that smiles in his direction and tells him that he isn't alone while he finds his way back into the world.  How much strength am I going to need when they start to see him as I do and he begins to shine on the outside and the world sees him as I already do.  


I can't not have someone who knows me the way he does  and walk in the other direction.  I can't however reach out and tell him either.  I can't find the words to tell him it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need him as a friend, I need him in my life.  It would be selfish.  I feel I've placed my whole head on a platter in front of him the last 24hrs,  it couldn't even make sense for me to try and explain why all or nothing would never be the right thing.

I've a feeling at some point over the next few days, with me not knowing what to say and wanting to curl up in a ball, and him with space and time to perhaps realise the gravity of my thoughts, he will step away and cut me out.  I don't think he will reach out again. 

If I can't pretend nothing is wrong, and despite wanting to pick up the phone to him with every inch of me, I can't find the strength to answer his call... He will disappear.

I'm lost.

Needtobreathe - Something Beautiful
Link

Butterflies & Ravens

I don't even know where to start...

I fell in love.  Unexpectedly and hopelessly in love.  

I flew back from visiting Miles last week.  It was nine days of emotion, surprises and confusion.  I hadn't expected to be drawn to him when he walked through the door at the airport, I genuinely hadn't, but I was.  Not because of how he looked, but because he had taken a leap of faith and here he was, the boy with anxiety standing in front of the girl with confidence issues and his smile took my breath away.

I can't really bring myself to type out the detail, partly because my heart can't take it, and partly because this time, I didn't want to share my 'something special'.  How ironic is that.

Tonight bloggers came the harsh reality.

When we parted ways and I got on the plane things were left with so many things whirling round my head.  He hadn't wanted to commit to giving things a go saying the question was too big for his anxiety.  A lack of click.  He liked me more than before I had arrived, and had explained his feelings emotions would drop after I left.  The more time we spent together the more he liked me, but he didn't want me to take on the burden of making a go of things if they didn't work out down the line.  Ordinarily I would have taken it all as a giant neon sign, but knowing all of him, I didn't want to shut a door that might just be a little out of reach due to head space and challenges I will never fully understand'; challenges he battles every day.

I didn't get the giant click either, but there was no need. He was there, standing right in front of me.  The boy that had called us soul mates, had told me he loved me, had read me to sleep over and over again, could calm me even when the world was tipped on it's head, and the ONLY person in the whole wide world that I had ever opened my world to (nothing hidden).  He knew my hopes and dreams for the future (even the embarrassing ones I sometimes struggle to admit to myself), he knew my sexuality (every murky corner), my health, my past, my relationship history, and he hadn't run away.  Every single inch of my life had been opened up, handed over, and his response... To tell me that he loved me.  To call me babygirl.  To make me smile from the inside.

I believed every single thing he said.  Trusted all the things he sent me.  

I'm such a fool.

I should have realised he was just playing at hallmark boyfriend.

I thought I had found the one, the one that people talk about, the one that you can be 100% yourself with, the one that you hope exists but never actually believe it. The one you can sing in the shower with, dance around the kitchen with, walk along the beach in your jogging bottoms and no makeup with, the one that will kiss you on the forehead, pull you in close and tell you that everything is going to be ok when the world has you on your knees.  

I thought he saw me the same way I saw him. 

I've always been self conscious about the way I look, and 101 people in my life will tell me I'm stupid, but the reality is that he and I were in the same place. Nothing at all changed... except for me standing in front of him.  When I asked if it was how I looked he told me he had known how I looked before I went and that there had been no surprises.

I stood in front of him and while I stayed the same, everything changed.

Since getting back I have circled things 1000 times, was it his anxiety stopping us?  Had he been honest when he said he liked me more?  Did I just need to take a different role this time?  Did he just need to know I wouldn't run away at the first sign of a struggle?

I put myself out there, I couldn't walk away without making sure.  I had to tell him that I would move the world to stand by his side.  That we could go as slow or as fast as he wanted, that time didn't matter because if he let me, I would be standing there till the end of time.  We could take on the world one step at a time, that I would hold his hand on the long road if he would only let me.

He updated himself as single and looking the same place we met today; less than a week since hot tears ran down my face as I flew away and he told me 'maybe this won't be it...'

When I told him I didn't understand he told me I was overthinking it.  

I've learnt so much about anxiety since meeting Miles and while I made so many mistakes while we spoke, he always said I had tried to understand more than anyone else he had met before.  Anxiety... the world of barriers, worst case scenarios and overthinking.  Not once did I tell him he was overthinking, being irrational, being stupid.  Never once did I think it.  It is his world of chaos and no other words would be as stupid or cut as deep as those... So why did he think it was ok to say them to me?

Why is it that the broken girl always gets her heart smashed against the wall.  

So many times I had sat and listened as he began to spiral, his head out of control.  Breathing down the phone, calming him, letting him know it was all ok, that he was ok, that it seemed crazy right now and that I knew he wasn't alright, but that the storm would pass and I would sit there as long as it took for his thoughts to settle and his heart to stop beating out his chest.  'Overthinking it'.  I would never have expected those words from him...

I didn't think it was possible for me to fall in love again, let alone in the way that I did, completely open and vulnerable.  No secrets, no surprises.  Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.

Overthinking. Stupid. Ugly. Overweight.  Ugly.  Stupid.  Ugly.

Life is hard, and putting myself out there and stepping outside the box never seems to work out.  I don't want people to notice me anymore, I'd rather be invisible. I'm going to do every single thing I can to ensure I fade into the background, personality and physical.  Introverted mind, broken but small body.  Small... 

I've made such a fool of myself.  I had no idea I would be such a let down in person.  I should have known.  I was so incredibly stupid to think I would find magic.  I was so stupid to think I could have found someone that would like me for me. Someone honest.  Someone that would look out for me, look after me no matter what happened. Someone who thought I was worth the risk.  Someone that would always, always look out for me and after my heart no matter what, no matter which eventuality. Stupid to think I would be something other than not being enough with my soul laid bare.

I fell in love with his soul.  His beautiful broken soul.

I don't think he will ever realise where I was or where his dismissive words have taken me.

I wish you could wish yourself into non-existence. I don't need to learn anymore, experience anymore, find out anymore.  I've felt hurt too many times.  I'm done.

The Pretty Reckless - You

click for final soundtrack