Lost Connections & Lists

Today was the first day in a little over a month that I've had time for just me.  Time to take a breath, breathe in the world and just be.

Next weekend I need to fill the car with petrol and head to the ocean.  I need to feel at home again.

My new apartment is starting to take shape, my room a sanctuary of calm.  A bubble from the world.  Moving always makes me feel better.  Given the whole thing with Miles and work eating away at my core at the moment, it couldn't have come at a better time.  Fresh.  Clean.  Ready for the first stroke with the bright red brush.  All I have to do now is decide how and what to paint.

2016 is just around the corner.  Just around the corner and somehow I'm no further forward.  I've been running, climbing and pushing through walls the entire year and yet here I am... Same job, same city, same single girl wondering.  Its time for a list.

1. Lose 20kg (for starters)
2. Change my hair - It has been too long
3. Get to some live music
4. Soothe my soul with the beach
5. Change job.  Less talk, more action
6. Stop complaining.  It does nothing to help so just stop.
7. Smile.  Smile every day.  Fake or real, it doesn't matter.  I will smile and then maybe at some point it something will change and I'll find myself smiling on the inside
8. Find myself.  I don't know where or how I got lost, but I know if I just keep scratching at the surface I'll find her.  The better version of me
9. Record another song and find a way to share it with the world
10. Buy a new laptop - this one is on its way out and blogging is firmly in scope
11. Blog
12. Take up yoga
13. Find him.  Fight for him.

I spoke with Miles a couple of times while I was away this week.  I told him I missed him when we last spoke on the phone and his reply... 'You were only here a week' *sigh  I also made an attempt to talk over where we were which he actually seemed open to, but technology was plotting against us and so by my fourth attempt to hear the answer to the same question I've been hoping to hear for just over a month now I decided to just stop.

Things are so far away from where we were and I'm not so sure at this point that there's any going back, or any motive to move forward.  I miss the person I used to see.  The guy whose words spoke to my soul,  the guy whose voice calmed my troubles, and the guy whose flirtatious laughter and open honesty was always within reach.  He definitely cares or he wouldn't reach out at times, its just a different person at the end of the line when I answer.  Someone I recognise, but somehow don't know.  

Twin Forks - Who's Looking Out

click for soundtrack