Kintsugi

I'm numb.

The last couple of days have been odd.  I've woken around 4am unable to sleep anymore, have headed to work at my usual time (for 7am), and by 1ish I've round myself utterly zombified.  It's like all the stress of work, moving apartment and my mind boggling 100>0 love life have become so intense that by lunchtime my brain just... shuts down.

My boss is (as always) totally overbearing and completely and utterly demanding.  Today she asked me to pull together a decile report from over 4000 lines of data containing approximately 65,000 pieces of information and to turn the findings into a presentation for 8am tomorrow morning.  Now to an excel whizz kid that might sound like a pretty easy job, but I'm not embarrassed to say bloggers that not once in my life have I had to do such a task and I had absolutely no idea where to begin.  Luckily I am well liked and so I managed to get a point in the right direction, however as suspected, the expert advised the data source was so mis-aligned and complicated that it would even take him half a day to complete.  I have absolutely no idea whether I have delivered or not.  I ran on auto-pilot from lunchtime and am convinced if I didn't work in a public space I have migrated into a hunch back with drool down my cheeks somewhere around 3pm.  The deck was sent just before I logged out and tomorrow morning 7am I'll find out if my ass is getting chewed out.  All I can say is thank goodness for google and its forums of excel gurus.  This little chick is firmly in their advisory debt.

I heard from Miles yesterday unexpectedly.  He asked how my day was going and what I was munching for dinner.  It was nice to get a text, although it made my heart a little sad at how much has changed in such a short amount of time.  Four months is all it took for my entire world to be lifted up, shaken about, and put back down again.  151 days for me to fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with a guy who will never truly know how unexpected that was, and how much he captured my heart, only to have it broken again and left wondering what the hell happened.  Tomorrow is the 13th, had we been able to make it work I would have been waking up to a 'Happy 4 months' text.  As it is... I'll be waking up to Friday the 13th and another day of trying not to think about where it all went wrong. 

As he had been in touch, I text this afternoon to see how he was doing and to ask for something to wake me up.  I had expected a random snap shot or comedy clip, what I received was something altogether different.  An invite on Facebook to a fully clothed public run into the ocean on the 1st January in his home town.  What did it mean?  Was it a 'run in the water, that will wake you up', was it a 'how awesome is my hometown, look how daft everyone is' or was it a 'come over for New Year, it would be great to see you and hang out'.   I asked if he was going to do it, he told me he would go along to watch.  I joked that I would be one of the runners if the invite had been intentional rather than an FYI.  He didn't respond.  I waited a while and found myself doing the passive aggressive (annoyed at myself for that) 'I'm guessing not then :p' text response.  His reply took some time and was a photograph of his food advising he had been making dinner.  There was no response.

I wish I could follow my own advice.  Step away when the area is blurred and the colour is intentionally grey, but the reality is, I've always been an answers girl.  When I love someone, it is black and white and I somehow need the beginning and the end to be the same.  Ghosting, drifting and fading away just don't cut it.  I need a sledgehammer.  The thing is... I'll never throw one and honestly... I think I'm too blinkin' nice for anyone half way decent to drop the bomb in my direction either.  You see... totally hopeless!

I still can't get over the niggling thoughts in the back of my mind that keep telling me if I looked different, things wouldn't have ended up like this.  Not as a reflection on Miles, but rather myself.  To talk to someone for weeks on end and to laugh, smile, and converse so well for it to all end with only one significant change.  It speaks volumes, and however hard that is to hear/swallow, I guess however difficult and seemingly impossible with all the constraints my tempremental body brings... I've got to try and change.  I can't be like this always.  I just can't.

I'm going to switch my food plan out tomorrow.  Vegetables and pulses aren't really getting me anywhere and I'm a girl with goals so it's on to permanent liquids and water to fill any gaps.  I'm not a huge fan of soup, in fact I tend to get bored of it half way through a bowl but then again - it almost sounds perfect.  I better have the blinkin' will power!

Blink 182 - I Miss You

click for soundtrack