The last week or so has been hectic. I've moved flat, driven up and down the country, climbed up and down 101 stairs 101 times carrying boxes and things so heavy I thought my arms were going to pop off, have reached a period of clarity that has let me know for certain I need to move out of my current place of employment, and move fast (before I throw a chair, desk and anything else I can get my hands on at the face off my Bette Middler looking boss), and that's before I think about my not-so love life. I am absolutely shattered!
On the plus side, I've managed to get this no eating thing down... Tonight was the first time for almost a month that I've felt like I've needed to just munch, life however in this instance had me covered. The hotel chef was clearly in lala land when he served up our working away from home goodies this evening so what had started off as a chicken Caesar salad and triple fried chips feast, quickly became a cup of tea and a banana. If I jump on the scales at Christmas and body wise nothing has changed, I'm going to flip! I'm medication cold turkey, exercise insane and food minimising. I should be a blinkin lollipop by now... I'm not seeing it.
Anyway bloggers, my new apartment will have internet by the time I'm back home from working away, and things are whirling so I think it's time to pull up your socks and strap yourselves in while I dip my feet back into the waters of regular blogging. In the words of Will Ferrell, I need to 'get the funk outta my face' and grab my mojo back.
Love life wise things are well, I've actually no idea. Miles has said we should 'see how things go' but what the hell does that mean? I'm certain he thinks I'm a stark raving lunatic who has to define everything but genuinely... I've no idea what he means by that. Are we friends, is there more, should we visit, are we flirting, or is it a 'I don't really like you in that way but don't want to say' bullshit friend move? I can safely say I'm 100% puzzled. I caught up with Clio earlier this week and all she could say was 'I can tell you like him as you would have kicked anyone else to the curb by now' and she's right. The thing is, I think I'm in danger of making myself feel like some kind of harassment stalker if I'm not careful. Who the hell wants to be that girl? She sounds like a bathroom binocular watcher and hell no! I don't wanna be her! The thing is, my idea of seeing where it goes ironically seems to be much more fluid, but when met with barriers and silence when I make a suggestion or throw out a flirty comment, it's pretty hard to know where the hell we are.
The last few days or so Miles has been in touch more, he's asked about work, my boss, listened to me sound off, and has made me giggle about candy apples, Dhillon his dog, and a few other random bits and bobs. It's just weird to be met with a 'hello' and left with a 'goodbye' when a flirtatious meander about where we might go from here would surely see the occasional 'baby' or 'beautiful' thrown in?? Surely none of that would indicate a firm line of friendship rather than a 'I thought we were seeing where it goes, and going forwards together'?
Ironically I think the uncertainty sends some kind of sonar into the world because the ones I'm not interested in... Boy have they started to come out of the woodwork. In the last week I've heard from at least six guys I've previously been on dates with, all asking me for coffee or testing the waters to see if there will be a positive response if they push the barriers. What is it with boys and timing, and why is it the only guy I'm interested in flirting with is somewhere between friend-zone and playing hard to get?!
Life would be easy if I was someone who just wanted someone to give me attention. Unfortunately I want the one that sings to me down the phone, reads me to sleep, dances with me in the kitchen, makes me giggle from my tummy, and whose voice soothes me so that my whole world of troubles melts away, if only for a few minutes. How easily and readily I would jump on a plane every second weekend to just see where it goes if I thought that was an option. At this point it isn't something I feel I could suggest, it would need to come from him. I don't think it will...
I wish I could download my brain onto a file and send it over. Words don't really seem to flow when it comes to Miles (I'm guessing you've worked that out already). I can't quite seem to say what I'm feeling, and when I try it never seems to come out right. If he could see inside my head, at least he would know I'm about midnight walks, swings, wine breakfasts, board games, goofy giggles and smooch my kisses in a world of laughter that no-one else has to define. That the only thing I need reassurance on is that while we take steps, however small, we know that neither one of us is doing the same thing elsewhere. Yet even on this page it doesn't sound right. It somehow isn't quite that, because that sounds too rigid.
Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe something will shift and life will throw me a sign that I'm on the right path...
No prizes for guessing who the last person on my mind is tonight x
If you love him. Tell him.
ReplyDelete