You are what you are in this world and sometimes no matter how hard you try, nothing can remove you from that, your inner self. My inner self looks after people. She checks others are ok, supports people even when the world is crashing down around her feet, and always, always things about the emotions of others before making a step. Unfortunately this leaves me... her... Wide open to be taken for granted.
This last few weeks I've been supporting Miles and his mum through some work things and hard times, not something I consider a task, a chore or an effort. Something I wanted to do because it's nice to be nice and when you can help people, you should. That said, it's greyed the lines. the last 24hrs or so have definitely smashed me in the face.
Miles knows my boss is being an asshole, my job is making me unhappy to the point I've developed some weird ass anxiety and stress cough, I have been ticking down to homelessness having handed in my notice on my current place and having had the worst more exhausting experience trying to find somewhere, and all the while trying to face the world with a smile on my face because if I allow myself to stop for just one second and think about how I've fallen in love and have been disgarded without any kind of explanation again, I'm scared what I might do. Top that off with what I know is slowly becoming an exceptionally unhealthy relationship with food (or lack there of) due to in the toilet body image, and you would think he of all people would notice right? It appears not.
The place we met is being actively used, a photo I took with my hair showing at th side of his face bait for what is quite clearly now an active pursuit. Texts telling me to call anytime, yet catch ups that are pushed aside for television programmes and to be continued conversations that are quite clearly never going to be on the agenda. Oh, and despite being infuriated at myself for even noticing, but likes on ex girlfriends photos (I can't express how pissed I am for noticing that one)!!
No bloggers, no support thrown the other way at all. It's like I'm the person who never needs an explanation, or to understand, or a virtual hug. Just a sounding board, shoulder and supportive voice to be utilised and then forgotten about. I'm sat here typing this thinking I'm being harsh, but then it all comes back to the same thought... 'I like you more now than I did before' and yet... If actions spoke they would boom.
I really do deserve better than this. I deserved an explanation. I deserve the truth.
The irony in the whole thing is that if I had just been given that, and the time and respect the situation needed, with the occasional hand out in my direction... I wouldn't be feeling like this. I'm not someone who lives in a bubble, I know sometimes the chips fall the wrong way, but is it really so much to ask that people man the fuck up and tell you what the hell they want?!? Because right now this doesn't fall into relationship, friendship or fuck-off-ness
Then again... Apparently that's just me 'overthinking'
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