Then

You're anxious... I stay lazing about in my pjs until 4pm so you don't feel pressured to go out and can calm down
You're anxious... I bite back all the words in my mind and my mouth and sit silently holding your hand

You're anxious... I rub your feet while you relax and then sit silently under your sleeping body while you rest 

You're anxious... I look at your 'on the inside' on Pinterest,  I know you've given me the answers, I just need to pick them out

I say I love you... You kiss my head

I say I love you... You don't hear (or do you)

I text I love you... You say nothing

I say I love you... You say I know

You smile at at me like there's no one else in the room and we have a hidden secret.  I hear you've called me 'amazing',  am I so different now I'm standing right next to you?

You pull me in and kiss my forehead and I feel safe

Your daughter says hello to me and your eyes show utter kindness as you tell me. 

You miss your kids... I ask you about them so you hopefully realise as you talk how amazing you are

You miss your kids... I touch your arm so you know I'm there when you're on the phone and it whirlwinds out of control as I hear her aggressive and self-righteous tones and have no idea what drew you in

You miss your kids... I would move the world to help you see them just to step back and let you spend time with them

I get close... You push me away 

I step away... You reach out

I think we are lost... You tell me we aren't

I feel you like me less... You tell me you like me more

You tell me you want me to visit again and when I least expect it you move or speak in a way that throws my doubts to the ground.  You say let's see how it goes but I've no idea if you're telling me I'm single or we are taking a leap of faith into the unknown.  Bonnie and Clyde and a world of Skype calls and plane trips in the soon to be 'what if' adventure of romance and tender moments

When you turned my way,  lifted my chin and came in for a kiss at the beach it felt like we stepped in the same direction... Could we be so far away now?  

I lay next to you... My body is aching for your touch

I lay next to you... Your breathing soothes my soul

I lay next to you... Your hand reaches for mine and it feels like everything else has melted into non existence

I wait for you to turn around and pull me in close... It doesn't happen.

Our silence is often but I could get lost in it happily if there was a sense of knowing.  This silence however is different... It's somehow deafening.  I've never been pushed so hard in the opposite direction while feeling at the same time it isn't quite what it seems and I'm right to keep reaching out and showing you I'm not what you expected,  I never will be,  I'm not her,  I'm not them,  and my hand will always be there.

I'm so utterly lost in you.  I'm so scared to know what happened to those three words that seem to have been lost on your lips... You are my crash landing •••