Work was nothing short of brutal this week and today was almost the breaking of me. Thank goodness for great colleagues who bought me hot drinks and made it a little better. Kept me from cracking up and shedding a tear at least. I'm a driven person and I really want to get ahead in life, I've also the golden salary to still achieve, but is it worth it? This job certainly isn't.
Love life wise... I'm so utterly disappointed
I've been blogging for years and those of you who have been reading all along will know that from time to time I go through phases, but for someone to really get under my skin is rare. I am little miss dismissive with my checklist and lack of tolerance for anyone who treats me anything less than perfect. Several men lay in my wake the last few years OOJ, Mr Hellicopter, Beaker, Cherry and a many more who were that insignificant in the grand scheme of things I'm unable to recall their names. Only two people have played on my mind in that time... Clerk (of course he would, we were friends for years), and now Miles.
I can't get him out of my head. How can I? He is right for me.
Everything whirls round and round and I've no idea where to go. Up is down, and right is left, and all the while he says he likes me more than before and yet somehow here we are... Not moving forward.
Evanescence has been my rock. I have no idea what I would have done without her! The sister of Mr X, and even she sees it in me, the 'knowing' that I know. Only there's nothing she can do to change things, she can only hold my hand (virtually) as I try to steady myself and find my feet again. I don't want to find my feet tho... I want to be swept off them.
Miles asked me 101 questions about giving things a go the other day, I'm not sure if he was trying to work out if I would put him aside some point for someone closer, with less challenges, or if he was trying to see how free he could be while keeping me on the side. I don't think it was the latter, but then again he has confused the hell out of me with his lack of commitment to anything and evasion of topics since we met. Ironically the girl who tends to fall in love and then meander into a relationship has somehow become the opposite I his eyes.
I wish he could take a glimpse at my world here, see how I truly am and then feel settled in the knowledge that taking risks and jumping in puddles is in my nature, but not something I chose to do with most. Maybe then would he be less inclined to curve and bend and leave me standing with my eyes filled with heat and salt, and my heart like its about to burst.
I know it's wrong and if you weren't anonymous readers then I wouldn't disclose, but the only thing keeping me sane right now is the hate I keep directing at my body. The emptiness in my stomach and the pain from the lack of medication. It's reminding me I'm here. I here, in not invisible, and I while everything else is spiralling out of control, I have this. My newly formed focus. My way to hate all the things that hold me back without having to speak. My secret.
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