Pebbles

I've slept and nothing feels any better.

Miles sent me a couple of unrelated messages last night, and tried to call.  He definitely has no idea how cutting his words were, it's like he doesn't see how fragile I am at all.

I remember him once describing anxiety as a world where you constantly think about others before yourself, and everything is worst case scenario which becomes so consuming and debilitating you are continually exhausted.  I'm starting to think I've never been that far removed from that world,  I perhaps just didn't realise it.

I'm not sure why, but the fact he called last night was the one thing that calmed me to breathe deeply and find a way to sleep.  Just knowing he was reaching in my direction,  for whatever reason.  It soothed me.

I couldn't answer of course, what would I have said?  

I have no idea where to go from here.  I know most would tell me to pull the plug and step away, but I never want to do that.  That's how I know... He has a piece of me that I don't want back, and I still want to be that person that smiles in his direction and tells him that he isn't alone while he finds his way back into the world.  How much strength am I going to need when they start to see him as I do and he begins to shine on the outside and the world sees him as I already do.  


I can't not have someone who knows me the way he does  and walk in the other direction.  I can't however reach out and tell him either.  I can't find the words to tell him it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need him as a friend, I need him in my life.  It would be selfish.  I feel I've placed my whole head on a platter in front of him the last 24hrs,  it couldn't even make sense for me to try and explain why all or nothing would never be the right thing.

I've a feeling at some point over the next few days, with me not knowing what to say and wanting to curl up in a ball, and him with space and time to perhaps realise the gravity of my thoughts, he will step away and cut me out.  I don't think he will reach out again. 

If I can't pretend nothing is wrong, and despite wanting to pick up the phone to him with every inch of me, I can't find the strength to answer his call... He will disappear.

I'm lost.

Needtobreathe - Something Beautiful
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