There's so little in life that you can control... My life is one giant uncontrolled pot at the moment. My job is tiresome - overworked, underpaid, and dying to break out and be challenged; but there's so little opportunity. Financially I'm in an ok place, but I'm currently packing to move in with g-star for the next six months. It will allow me to save cash, and reassess where I want to be. It definitely isn't here.
I need to be by the ocean, I have to live by the sea. I've always known it is the place that soothes me, but visiting Miles and taking some time on my own one afternoon to let us both have some space after a conversation that saw the crack appear in the magic bubble, made me realise how much. Miles aside, I found a place I could quite readily call home. A safe haven. A beautiful bubble of a place. I need to find somewhere like that and move. I have six months. I need somewhere to soothe and calm my soul. Wash it all away.
I also need the sunshine. Something to soothe my aching body and feed me in the only way I want. With warmth and peacefulness. Quite happily I could shrink if I felt warm and calm.
I've started demanding control.
I'll no longer play the long game at work. I'll take what I want, stand my ground, and look to move on as soon as possible. There's a part of me that keeps thinking I should move the Gstar plan to one side, sell everything and just go... Go somewhere and fade. Somewhere sunny where I can ache and shrink and smile. I'm done with fighting my own body too. I fight with control of this beast every day, and every day sense and those little thoughts in my head win. They aren't winning anymore. I won't let them. I'm going to flip things on their head. Embrace the ache, the churning and the hunger. I will be in control.
I miss him.
Unfortunately you can't control people. If I had looked different, I wouldn't be here now... He might not see it, but I do.
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