It has been bittersweet and I am left feeling sadness.
Lost connections, mis-communications and a longing from so deep inside it feels like it is spilling from my bones, flowing in my veins, embedded in my very being. Somehow the my physical being and emotional makeup twisted together like DNA, differing origins yet oh so the same.
Twisting and turning this last few weeks, twisting and turning like the wind, free and yet trapped, unable to speak... How could I?
He said he was my soulmate, that I made him smile from the inside, that I had reached inside and calmed him, that he loved me more than he thought he could and yet he let me go, threw me into the wind. We didn't know it then, he will never know, but we couldn't have been more connected... Tears running red, thick and hot, painful and numb as life follows his lead and I'm left feeling empty and with no idea what happened, how it happened. Neither a choice. Both ending in a place I wouldn't have chosen however difficult the path.
Today is the 13th... I've only just realised.
Its really hard being your own rock. I've some fantastic people in my life, but all with their own little units, their own rocks, families and circles of the future... Words in their direction can never leave my lips. He is the only one I ever want to confide in but he is gone. Left there standing as he threw me into the wind.
How ironic that in 10 days I'll be facing the most difficult day in my year, painted smile on my face, mums hand in my own as I make sure she walks through the day like a frog jumping thorough a puddle. The rock. Smiling on the outside, crumbling on the inside. What a time of year for this to be happening all over again. I didn't have the time to speak and now I never can. I'm alone.
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control although everything is moving in slow motion. I feel everything, and yet I feel nothing at all. Unable to cry, unable to let go. Falling apart.
...I just want to hold your hand
Rhodes - Your Soul
click for soundtrack
I had a miscarriage last year and it was devastating. I can't say things get easier and it's different for everyone but i can't imagine going through it alone. I understand why you feel you might have to with the circumstance but you should try to reach out to someone. Hope you're ok
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