Dull, Numb, Disappointed

i need to find time to blog later today as I need to say the things that are running round in my head aloud and I've nowhere to do that without tainting views and I know the impact that has on future encounters so here will be my place.  For now it all boils down to one simple thing... Miles and I going through a really difficult place where I'm not so certain he is pushing himself to new challenges anymore, and the here and the now that finds me about to drive on a foggy day over the boarder to see Herb, Barron and their new baby alone.  Miles is here and yet despite knowing how important it is to me didn't even approach the day with a maybe.  It was a straight no with refusal of discussion from the outset.  I can't begin to describe how disappointed and somewhat angry I am at the situation; especially as I've pushed myself to meet all his closest people and continue to push myself everytime we interact with his children virtually or in person (despite the fact I've made zero headway with them past not so random stranger), not so much as a night or a goodbye from the smaller ones.

Things feel so incredibly one sided with the exception of a few things.  I'm genuinely heartbroken about today.  What on earth am I going to say to make him not sound like an ass.

Winning

Out of nowhere last night I told him.  It was right before bed and the timing couldn't have been worse, but having spent the last few days wondering about timing and opportunity and having all open questions about what's going on in life with deflection,  the words just spilled from my tongue.

There were tears (mine not his),  and there was huge miscommunication.  He said he would do it declaring I had 'won',  I explained winning had nothing to do with it and told him I wanted him to understand why it was important and reasonable.  He just kept referring to it as winning.  I broke down and said I needed to go.  He said nothing and hung up.

After I had calmed down I rang back,  he picked up straight away.  We tried to talk it out again but as soon as he said I should just 'take the win' I was sobbing again.  Why would anyone see their other half hurting and think what they were asking was in any way shape or form a win.  Conversation from him also touched upon deleting and blocking her from Facebook having no real barrier as she had his number and various social medias.  I clarified I had asked him to delete and clock her in full not one specific platform.  Why was that not incredibly obvious?

We ended the conversation unsettled and with him telling me he would delete and block her as he didn't need to understand why if it was hurting me. This wasn't before everything twisted another few times in the process though.  Twists about when we were dating we could have been seeing multiple people... wtf?!

I didn't sleep well at all. My body has started to play up,  with no medication,  the stress from work,  the long hours I'm working at the moment with no day off,  getting the place ready for his visit and now this... my body broke yesterday.  I feel dreadful today.  I should really call in sick but I can't,  I need to try keep busy.  Taxi to work today,  maybe a drive by the chemist on the way.

I checked this morning... She is still on his Facebook.  I assume everything else is the same.  He got a text/notification at 7am.  Great.

If this is winning...

I want my loving,  logical,  considerate,  compassionate boyfriend back.  There's zero sign of a 'Daddy' at the moment,  when it really counts.

Better get my shaky on my feet ass up.  Heaps of makeup is the only way I'll pull off normal today

Delete & Block - Ser3ndipity or Scabby

I've been awake for hours (it's 5am) and tonight is the second night.  I know what it is.  I knew straight away.  It feels like a hopeless cause though and I've no idea what to do with it.

I jump on a plane in a week to see Miles again.  I'm only there a week but he is coming back with me to stay for a couple of months again.  I can't wait.  He and I are in a really good place and I can genuinely see us going the distance.  I adore his family,  I'm think his kids are fab,  and I love him.  I love him in this calm warm secure way I've never really encountered before.  It's great.  We have overcome a lot to get to where we are right now and I think if we can do that (and we have),  then there really shouldn't be anything we can't face together and win.

And here's the fly in the ointment...

Scabby is still on the scene.  I haven't thought about her for weeks,  I mean she has popped into my head enough for me to ask a few times if she had been in touch with Miles; other than that just a passing thought.  Until recently. You see the last place Miles and I left the Scabby thing was me biting everything down not wanting to ask him to remove someone he considered a friend even though she is clearly a bitch trying to cause problems because I didn't want hi to feel isolated and so agreeing in one of the biggest compromises I've ever found myself making;  that so long as Miles let's me know when she is in touch and assures me the next time she is to cut out her shit and to forcefully call her on any bullshit I'll let it go.  The problem is bloggers according to Miles she hasn't been in touch and as a logical person that only leaves me with two conclusions:

1.  Scabby has realised from posts we have made,  our trips back and forth and and a newly found tone from Miles in their last interaction that we are serious and has backed off to the point she hasn't emailed,  been in touch with him or commented or liked any of his posts in the last three months (despite this previously being a theme) and in doing so proving without the flirtation that actually had no friendship in the first place - I mean friends don't just drop off the planet if they give a shit

OR

2.  Scabby is still in touch and Miles isn't being truthful

I have a tendency to believe the first,  in fact I am 90% confident it is the first,  at least I was until I found myself applying logic again.  Damn logic.

If 1. Is right and Scabby has disappeared from all contact then given she knows about Miles and his anxiety and daily challenges there can't have been a friendship there,  and if there is no friendship there this causes 2 problems:

A.  Their previous interactions may not have been friendship based at all.  The other possibility may have been the body of their contact and while I've no appetite to cover old ground (I made my decision to let it lie despite being confident the text I saw had pieces missing and so in good conscience I can't change that decision and raise it with Miles again.  You make decisions in life and for better or worse you have to be able to live with them or any relationship is doomed with arguments recalling what happened 5yrs ago etc.) if there is no friendship there then my compromise has no reason to exist.  The emotional support,  argument for not wanting to lose a friend etc.  It's all moot point.  If there's no friendship and Scabby hasn't messaged him even once to ask how he is doing in the last three months (quarter of a year) then my heart breaking compromise is no longer needed.  Scabby should just be a delete and block,  only Miles hasn't done this.

B.  Miles has been honest and Scabby's previous intentions prove my intuition right.  She WAS a problem and she ISN'T a friend and Scabby should be a no loss delete and block.  As above though,  Miles hasn't done this.

If 2. Is right then Miles is lying to me and should this ever come to light unless from his own lips in the immediate future (given it's a bit of a topic the last couple of days),  then regardless of where we are in our relationship,  I'll walk.

I've no way of knowing.  Unfortunately life doesn't always give you the black and white truth and so an educated decision is all you can make;  you need to be able to live with whichever route you take.  The last time I took an entirely compromising one,  a route that had me draw a line despite knowing there must have need a few deleted messages.  A route that had me bite everything down to a couple of 'I couldn't help myself' questions about if she had been in touch despite him telling me he would let me know if she had.  A compromise that I believed at the time left him with something he needed,  something positive.  A friend,  however twisted.  A person he could confide in who in any other circumstance would be a hard line,  but given his situation was a compromise I would try to push myself to the limits to work with.

The thing is bloggers,  if Scabby hasn't been in touch then fuck the compromise!

The last two days I've had nightmares and unsettled sleep.  It plays on my mind that she hasn't been deleted and blocked.  Miles has vocalised two concerns over my ex's and both were dealt with immediately.  One I cut out completely the instant he expressed he was uncomfortable (he didn't even need to ask). The other - a friend before an ex and someone I've known over 20yrs,  put wildly in his place and met with immediate apology and instantly rectified tone.  Both inappropriate interactions I shared with Miles immediately I hasten to add.

I expressed the above to Miles yesterday.  I broke down unexpectedly following my dream and all compromises disappeared.  I told him I wanted her deleted and blocked.  I said she can't be a friend if he is telling me she hasn't been in touch.

Miles response was to remind me his ex made him cut all contact with the women in his life.  I reminded him this scenario was entirely different.

I had thought when I came home from work yesterday given the mess I was I. When I left would have seen me return to a clean slate.  I expected his love for me would be enough to weigh it all up and make the moves I would... the person he says he loves and talks about marriage and kids with is crying on a Friday morning hot fat tears because of an insecurity of a person he says he hasn't heard from I. Three months.  Miles tells me his relationship with his ex was an unusual love, that this is different,  that he is better when he is with me,  that I am important.  Miles deleted an entire list of people for his ex however,  people it seems were his genuine friends and acquaintances.  Yet here we are... Scabby still in the picture.

I feel like I'm going mad.  I'm starting to doubt things I don't want to doubt.  If what he is telling me is true and he loves me like he says he does then it's a no brain scenario.  I shouldn't even have to ask.

We will see what the next couple of days brings.  I can't go on like this,  I feel insecure,  I'm not sleeping and I'm starting to doubt everything... I don't want to.  I love the way he makes me feel,  I am so incredibly content and happy until I realise the fly.

If nothing changes I'll have to bring it up again and we will have to have (yet another) conversation.  I know where my head will end up if things remain the same,  and I can't have that.  It's no good for him, and it's no good for me.

Ultimately I'm only asking for the same respect I've shown him and so I need to stop second guessing myself.  I compromised when I didn't want to and EVERYONE i spoke to about it told me not to.  I bent because I fet his circumstance needed that allowance,  but now it's different.  If she hasn't been in touch she isn't  friend and so deleting and blocking ber should even matter.  There shouldn't even be a second thought about it.  If there is a second thought then why and I mean WHY! All logic at that point leads to untruths and darker places... places I don't want Miles and I to exist and places I genuinely thought we weren't in.  Ok so I felt there was a significant grey area before,  but I put my eggs in the Miles basket.  I drew a line in the sand,  I stopped questioning and I haven't brought it up since, but a grey area now... I won't have it.

I know it's a case of Ser3ndipity or Scabby.  Nothing less wil do.

TFIT

Thank goodness it's my last day at work this week and hurrah for long weekends (even if this one isn't set for relaxing).  I haven't slept again and I've a good 9hrs to get through but after that is me,Spotify and the open road for a few hours - hopefully enough for me to actually shut off my brain.

I slept a little last night (thank goodness)!  I was talking nonsense and muddling up words yesterday after day 2 of no sleep.  I got at least 5hrs last night so am feeling much better today.

I haven't spoken with Miles much the last few days, he's had the kids over and I've been incredibly tired late at night when he checks in.  I hadn't thought there was a problem but yesterday he messaged. Asking if I was angry and seemingly annoyed at my morning and goodnight messages although I've no idea why.  I got the exact same good morning message back and no goodnight... I also had two I love you messages met with radio silence... maybe I should have been the annoyed one. Either way I messaged a couple of times,  called a couple of times and shortly after he rang and we spoke.  I've still no idea what was going on,  he said pretty much nothing.  He's terrible on the phone when other people are there.  I also had no idea if I was on speaker or not.  Anyway I'm sure it will be a storm in a teacup but with him having the kids longer and me travelling and with mum I doubt we will feel our usual selves for a while.

Gosh I'm tired!   My body is officially on strike!  I look dreadful.  I'm dreading the photos at the wedding.  Dreading them :/

I love my cousin,  we spent some of our time together as kids but come our teen years we spent a chunk of each summer holiday together... kid stuff and then adult stuff.  He's one of my favourite people in the whole world and I should be buzzing about meeting up to wish him luck in his new family unit,  but all I feel is anxious.  As usual a social event is tipping me over the edge and I'm using all my tactics to get myself to it.  Evil stomach churning go away! I wish my brothers were going... my family can be incredibly selfish sometimes.  It's infuriating.  I on the other hand think family is the most important thing... if I was on fire I would still make this event.  It's important.

Ok work time.  I'll see you on the other side.  Wish me and my 'no new dress and no decent clothes for the wedding' self luck x

Running uphill

Im shatters but I need to start regular blogging again for sanity so here's the abbreviated version:

• Work is incredibly stressful.  The entire workplace is turbulent at present and my role is incredibly undefined.  I enjoy a challenge but this one could either work in my favour a huge extent or will leave me broken and furious
• The wedding is this coming weekend.  I'm struggling to get everything done as mum wants to come back and I've been juggling a lot 
• My car was in a bump.  My new shiny car.  I get a courtesy car tomorrow so that wil be my ride for the 6hr drive cross country to the wedding and back
• Financially I'm trying to make things happen.  An extra bit of work here, a quick buck there... it isn't enough if Miles and I are to make it to the next stage (not without him having an income), and it certainly isn't enough to do my holiday next year.  I really wanted 2 weeks somewhere secluded and with its own pool to bring in my 35th but unless credit cards come into play it's not on the cards
• My trip to see Miles is booked.  I'm crazy excited to see him again.  He is coming back with me but for an undetermined amount of time.  He seems reluctant to pick a timeline and I need one to have the oh so awkward conversation with g-star.  I've brought it up a couple of times and even suggested a couple of dates but he said he felt like I was trying to shorten what he thought was an extended trip.  It's difficult.  We haven't had the 'let's try to live together' chat so I need to walk the careful line as the last thing I want is a crappy flatmate situation over a holiday without and end date. A living together scenario is incredibly different.  Miles hasn't really done the flatshare as an adult thing so I'm not quite sure he gets how stressful it is.  I'm trying to act as go between with my anxious boyfriend and my recluse need to plan flatmate and OMG it's proving stressful.  For some reason the stress of the conversation and how I need to go about bringing it up seems to be totally lost on Miles.  He's giving me no time to work on tactics or to plant the seed and water it (which is what g-star needs); and is going to avoid it as a difficult subject leaving me the option to either A) sound like a broken record bringing it up all the time causing me stress, or B) leave me no time to do things the right way with g-star which (you've guessed it) will also cause me stress
• Health wise I'm on empty.  My breathing is all over.  I'm anaemic again I think.  My skin is soooo bad, and my body has reacts by bloating - a new move in the  ser3ndipity body disasters book
• Miles and I are good if a little strained at the moment.  We have had our own things going on with work/kids etc so it's been a little pick up put down the last three of four weeks.  It's definitely playing on my subconscious as I've been having the weirdest dreams and unlike the norm... people have faces.  Miles also seems to be leaving his treatment homework to the 11th hour of the last day every week which is playing on my mind.  I'm busting my balls looking at the bigger picture 'us' and he needs to pull his socks up and start realising his contribution to that is getting better and that it's a full time job not a last minute never think about it paper task once a week.  Of course I haven't said that to him but it's hard.  I'm hoping so bad I've got it wrong and he does do the logic it's just the writing down he is leaving,  but I'm not so sure... he doesn't talk about his homework day to day or what he is working on so I've no indicators he is giving it everything he has.  I need indicators.  We can do anything and face anything but if I'm giving 100% I need to know he is all in too.

So bloggers,  as you can see... lots!  I'll fill you in again later this week :)

Waiting

Wow I miss him.

Today it's hit me like a wave.  I had dreams that have lingered with me,  I woke to the sounds of his youngest jumping on him with kid/Daddy cuddles, and I couldn't miss him more if I tried.

We need to see each other again.  Soon!

Swimming like crazy

I haven't blogged for a while.  It's like everything is on overdrive, my mind is constantly weighing up eventualities, and I think through picking up the laptop to let it all out, but I never really get the chance.  It isn't helping.  I need to find a couple of hours each week just for me.

This is going to be a long one, here's where I'm at.

Family

Everything is going well, my oldest nephew graduated with a 1st from University, and my middle nephew is set for a 2nd.  I'm incredibly proud.  They are going to outdo me every step of the way in life and while it is bitter sweet, I wouldn't wish for anything different.  Mum and my brothers are doing well and next month I'm at my first cousins wedding.  He and I were close growing up, we lost touch 5 or so years ago but in that time he's found a girl and has created a family of his own.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again and wishing him well for the future.

Flat

G-Star and I are still getting on well in terms of living together.  We have a few annoyances but i works well for the most part and we have a happy, stress free home.  Our apartment is really great so I don't think either of us want to move out anytime soon, but things may need to shift a little if my relationship with Miles keeps going as it is.

Work

My new job is... a disaster!  I am stressed 9hrs a day, I dream about work, I struggle to shut off, and I can't believe I'm in the situation I am in.  I can't remember what I've already told you it's been so long so let me fill you in as quickly as I can.  I was realigned to head office,  the head of the office here has been a total cow since.  The operation is filled with her family and friends she has recruited so life has been made difficult.  There are two bullies in the office (not in my section) and nothing is being done to manage or dismiss them which is concerning, I have become the shoulder for those feeling uncomfortable.  I am looking to find a solution. 

Since realigning to head office (which 600miles away), I have found myself in a very similar situation to that which I was in on starting my previous job; the land of the outsider.  I've recruited two girls in who started last week so that should be a little less now.  There's also another woman started who equally is aligned to HQ although I'm unsure if I fully trust her at this point.  In the last three weeks I've had numerous items stolen, including a cup that still had 1/2 cup of coffee in it.  I'm 99% certain one of the boss sons is to blame.  She has been on holiday and is back on Monday (that is going to be one almighty day, I'm dreading it).  

Looking at my job from a logical perspective a few things are glaringly obvious:

1. Aligning to head office is a positive move career wise
2. I have walked into a disaster zone, a company with people on the fiddle, lazy ass employees who get paid to do nothing, a culture of fear where anyone associated to the on site 'boss' has carté blancé to terrorise the rest and several people looking to me to fix the balance
3. A person or a group of people within the environment have made it their mission to ensure I face bullying/harassment on a daily basis
4. I'm handling myself well and should be proud of myself.  My dads workplace stories always resonated with me as a kid and have stood me in good stead.
5. I have a limit to my capacity for coping with the current mine field and things are very much at a tipping point which only the next two weeks will determine.  It will ether switch up and I'll be able to feel incredibly proud of myself for sticking it out and pushing it forward, OR the whole thing will escalate without positive resolution and I'll be at capacity

I feel like life has taught me lots of lessons up until this moment in my life, and I'm having to use a heap of them to keep my chin up.  Everyday feels like I'm entering a school and while sense, grit and determination tell me I'm doing the right thing, it doesn't make anything any easier.  I'm worried I'm bottling it all up a little.

Health

I'm a little all over the place.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm at the age where my body is changing in the 'never going back' way that women's bodies do.  My (you might want to skip a paragraph or so here guys) time of the month has been incredibly different the last few months and a little research suggests my body is primed up for a last ditch attempt at making babies before shutting down service for good.   The menopause is something the women in my family have always had a hard time with and it looks like I might be the same.  I think I need to go to the doctor and be tested so I can start any hormone replacement to ease the pain as early as possible, but I'm living in a bubble of 'If I don't check then it isn't happening' denial.  I've had a couple of other blips without going into detail, and I'm struggling a lot with my weight at the moment (again, I'm in denial and need to set up a specialist appointment) so need to get my head out of the sand.

My biggest worry health wise is that I'm starting to see the swirling pattern I've seen a couple of times before, the times when despite any positives I find myself insular and on a downwards spiral to depression-land; and that bloggers, worries the shit out of me.  

With the exception of speaking on this blog, I've always kept this dark secret to myself, never quite able to vocalise it.  It sticks in my throat and I find myself very capable of putting on the perfect mask.  That's why I worry when it looms.  I'm not the shout out for help kind.  The one time I hit rock bottom it wasn't support or help I was looking for, it was a sharper piece of glass.  Someone was looking out for me that day.  I just worry.  I know from experience it's like a switch for me.  I have a few signs that something is coming and then I either get myself out of it (a long and strenuous process) or the switch could flick.  I'm petrified of that switch. 

I've become incredibly insular the last month or so.  I don't go out at weekends anymore - I was always nipping out even when I planned a weekend in.  I could sleep all the time.  I avoid plans and step away from responding to people/messages/calls/invitations.  I've stopped listening to music.  I'm stuck.  There are a million contributing factors, but I think the whirlpool that is work is the one that's plaguing me the most.  Everything I have is going in to those 9hrs a day and at the end of it I'm exhausted, irritable and just want to curl up in a ball.  The thing is bloggers, doing that doesn't help myself.  I know what I need to do, I just need to find a way to motivate my head space to do it.  I need to give myself me time.

This weekend Miles has had the kids and I've found some time.  I love talking to him as much as we do, I think I just need to find a balance.  I forget that he has all day to look after his head, I need to give myself some of the same.  I'll talk to him about it, I just hope he understands what I'm saying rather than thinking I want to step away.  I don't really want to have to explain too much.  I'm hoping he just instinctively understands.

Love life

Miles and I are still Miles and I.

I sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture with he and I and question if it is the right thing.  I know I haven't chosen the easiest path in being with him, but if I'm honest, I don't really feel like there is anything to chose.  I love him, and with every person I fall in love with, there are no alternatives.  That said, there are so many hurdles ahead of us.  

I worry about having the only income.  I worry that in being the sole provider I'll seem mean when I say no.  He has a family of 5 and I work my socks off and have very little left.  Of course I want to embrace his family as mine, but where does that leave  us if we want one of our own?  We can't.  My salary wouldn't stretch.  I don't think Miles would ever feel comfortable saving for ourselves.  I can't really get this out properly.  I wouldn't want a his old family and our new family... just 'family'.  Unfortunately Miles doesn't earn an income and mine isn't endless so despite wanting life to be like the Waltons, for me to gain the experiences and the family I want, we would have to prioritise in that way sometimes, and I just don't think Miles would be able to.  I can understand why.  

I worry about giving up my life and moving to where he is with no safety net.  If we both had incomes then I would feel safer, I would be able to make trips, have people over, go out, do things, go on holidays.  With things as they are and as they are likely to be, I wouldn't have that flexibility.  I don't hold Miles having no job against him.  He has lots of hurdles to face before that and he is hitting those hurdles one after another.  I'm incredibly proud of him.  That said, I worry he doesn't think about the same things I do.  I worry he doesn't take his homework seriously and rather a check box of something he has to do rather than something he should be thinking about daily to help support a shift.  I know what it's like to leave things to the last minute if they are hard, but I'm doing the hardest thing I can think of 9hrs a day at the moment trying to think of the bigger picture, and I need to know he is doing the same.  

We have nothing if I don't have an income.  We have no means of seeing each other, no future home, no hope.  I have to keep focused and I need to be sure he is in this as much as I am.  I promised myself with Mr X and I split up that I wouldn't make significant changes in my life for a man again, that I would put myself first.  With Miles, I know I'm already not doing that.  I think it over and over, again and again.  The thing is, if you love someone, truly love them, do you ever put yourself first or do you try to factor them into everything?  I don't want half assed half baked love.  I want the real thing.  I'm not with Miles because he is perfect on paper, I'm with him because I'm drawn to him like magnets. I'm with him because I think of him in everything I do and because when we are in a good place he gives me butterflies.

I know he cares about me.  I have watched as we've both melded and moulded over the last few months, learning to say sorry, learning to forgive, learning to put things to one side as we care for each other in a way that doesn't want to see the other upset.  He calls me when he has his children over.  The one time he could forget about me and I would need to forgive, yet he doesn't.  He makes sure to stay in touch.  He has made so many changes to his life to accommodate me and I see each and every one.  Some, selfless.  I know he pushes himself because I need him to. I DO know that.

I posted an old draft blog earlier about a girl I've called scabby and a situation we found ourselves in.  I didn't read it, it is well over a month old.  I know it was a rant.  I know it was unfinished.  I don't know where things are at with her.  I believe him when he says he will tell me if she messages.  I believe him when he tells me she hasn't.  I believe him when he tells me he loves me.  I just know there is more to the past than he has told me and while it disappears for a while, as soon as her face or name pops up it brings it all to the surface again.  I know in my heart of hearts that something went on (not in person, but virtually, over chat, message, email) during the time we weren't together.  I just really need to know what that was down to detail.  I know I'll never know.  He will never tell me.  I can't ask again.  I just hope she disappears now...

Miles and I are in a good place.  I know it probably doesn't sound like it from the above but I'm just letting it all out in one giant lump as it's been too long.  We talk daily, we laugh often, and he tells me he loves me every time we speak.  Last week he told me he missed me out of the blue.  It was so nice to hear like that, it made me all warm inside to know it just popped into his head.  

We are trying to organise some time to see each other in September.  We need to get dates organised so we can do it as cheaply as possible but everything is dependant on him bringing the subject up at his weekly therapist appointment.  He can't miss treatment to come over here, and I don't have the annual leave to be over there for a prolonged period of time.  It would be easier if Miles could travel alone.  We would have more flexibility in short trips but with the plan for him to come here on the cards I need to save AL to go and pick him up and then to drop him off.  In an ideal world I would save that time and use it for a visit to cut our time apart, but in reality that isn't currently an option.  

I am toying with asking Miles to move over if things go well on his next visit.  If we want to make it work we need to find a way to do things until a move is on the cards, and I honestly think he needs to come here for that to happen.  If I could wave my magic wand I would want him here and for this apartment to be affordable for the two of us.  Unfortunately that isn't financially viable.  Moving him in and having a discussion with my current flatmate however might be an option.  I'm not sure how G-star would react to be honest, but I'm in my 30s and relationships need time together so I guess if things fall that way I'll have the conversation and if G-star isn't on board I will need to look at an alternative - the apartment is in my name so risking a different flatmate?  Shark infested custard given the Miles situation.  We need an extra £600 a month.  I need to think it out.

I want to live together.  I want to get married.  I want Miles to ask my brother for permission to propose.  I want romance.  I want to have kids.  I want to have kids soon.  I want to find a house and to make it our own.  I want Miles to have an income of some sort.  I want to have his kids over to stay with us.  I want to ban them from fizzy juice, help them with their homework and have us all spend the weekend in a home made blanket fort.  I want family Christmas time, matching tacky jumpers, warm meals sitting on the table for me when I get home from work.  I want sunset champagne,  exotic holidays with private swimming pools.  I want a garden.  I want family BBQs and mutual friend dinner parties.  I want it all, and I want it with him.  I want it with him and his family.

Life has been one big transitional mess this year so far, but at least it is moving.  Life is moving and I'm trying my best to keep up.  I need to remember I'm a good person.  I need to remember I deserve good things.  I need to remember that love and family and friendship are all that matter and that everything else is unimportant.  

I need to be grateful.

I Can Say - Olivia Millerschin

Click for soundtrack

The Ex (unfinished 23/06)

I've alluded to this post a couple of times, but life has been in the way of blogging of late.  That said, you may need to accredit yourself with some parental guidance and a home-made beeper for this one bloggers.  It isn't going to be censored with my usual finesse.

It doesn't matter who you date, when you date, or how you date, unless you caught yourself a 21st century stone cold dating virgin (and where's the fun in that), any catch of the day will have an ex lurking in the background.  A past lover.  Someone whose lips once touched the mouth that now kisses you before bed.  Someone whose body has once laid naked next to the man/woman you can feel yourself falling in love with.  Someone who no matter how awful, can never, will never be erased.  A part of his/her past.

Don't get me wrong bloggers.  I've encountered many an ex in my past, some dauntingly attractive, some incredibly bitter and twisted, but for the most part... just a regular girl who for one reason or another is no longer in the picture.  A distant memory.  An old acquaintance.  A someone from somewhere who is still around but in no way poses a threat.  I am not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex... I've always tended to favour the approach that if they wanted to be with them they would and so why bother causing a wave.  Waves only show a lack of confidence, and despite the many nervous areas in my life; knowing the guy I'm wanting to date only has eyes for me has never been one of the grey areas.  So what if an ex is thinner, prettier, more intelligent.  I am nothing short of a human dynamo with breasts and so the odd ex conversation here and there... nothing to be phased by.

Until now...

I'm not sure I'll explain this well so I've made a pact with myself to write it out and not to look back.  I'm sure in years to come when I peek back at this blog there may be several posts I'm not overly proud of, and I fully suspect this may be one of them.  That said... Here goes...

Miles has an ex (no surprises there), only this one is well and truly under my skin; and remember that part where I said 'I'm not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex'?  Well this one is really pushing me to my limits. Ok so what do you need to know...

We shall call the ex (I'll enjoy this part)... 'Scabby'.  Scabby was Miles ex from high school.  I know, I know.  I can hear you all sighing saying 'innocent, what on earth are you worrying about', but trust me.  This one is a slippery little sucker.  When I first got with Miles I was certain the only ex of his I would worry about would be the one he had children with, I mean, who can compete with that?  I can't even play in the same batting field unless he and I get to the point of having children.  That said, I've met this particular ex a couple of times now, and I feel no intimidation at all.   If anything, I feel more confident that I am the better choice.  The prettier choice.  The more intelligent choice.  I could blog about why (and maybe I will at some point), but today isn't about her, its about the Scabby one from way way back.

As I was saying Scabby and Miles dated when she was in high school.  It was first love stuff, and after a couple of years Miles did what lots of naive young boys do at that age... He proposed.  I believe all in all they were together a couple of years.  I can't honestly remember why they split up (I would ask him again but she is a bit of a raw subject), but it was many years ago.  I think they stayed in touch on an off for quite a number of years, but when Miles met the mother of his kids she put her foot down and all exes and female friends were shut out and shut down.  Several years on now, and she and Miles were back in touch.  She with a long term partner and young kid, he single.  I don't know how long they were talking before he and I started talking, but a little while for sure.

When I first few out to see Miles I knew of Scabby.  He had told me a little about all his exes and I had told him a little about mine.  She didn't seem like a threat.  I knew they were in touch and I didn't give it a second thought.  He had told me they didn't talk often, I do however remember that much.  Anyway scroll forward a while... Miles and I don't work out, I fly back home, he and I spend months talking but sitting in no-mans-land, and then we finally decide to give it a go.  Again, all the while he and Scabby have been friends.  Jump forward a few more months and things are little more convoluted.  It might be easier if I break this down. I hasten to add that the below is a time line but the context of which was not discovered in order

• Miles comes to stay at my flat and mentions in passing that Scabby had gone through a phase of calling him when drunk (flirting was alluded to)
• Scabby texts him while he is at my house at 2am (he is sleeping but mentions it the next day)
• Miles begins to make jokes about Scabby messaging him as he likes to see me jealous
• I notice Miles is 'liking' a large amount of posts on Scabby's wall and nudge him about it
• Miles likes more posts.  Partly in a playful way I believe.  Partly because he likes to see me jealous.  Partly because he wants to prove a point that he won't be told again who he can and can't speak to (baby mama remember)
• Miles mentions that Scabby had come onto him during the time we were in no-mans-land
• Miles says it was before no-mans-land she came onto him
• Miles mentions Scabby's other half most probably doesn't know they chat
• Scabby appears to message Miles a lot on Facebook
• Miles mentions he talks to her about his mental health issues.  Things he has previously told me he has been unable to chat to anyone about until I came along

So that's the context and now here's the 'what happened next'

• Miles and I have several disagreements about Scabby in one context or another.  I am frustrated that she is utilised as a joke for him to rile me.  He is annoyed that I don't like him talking to her.
• He asks me if I want him to stop talking to her.  I reply that I don't want to control his life in that way
• I want him to stop talking to her but I don't say that as I know he has a very limited social circle and I don't want to deplete the numbers by one.
• I get increasingly frustrated by her name, his likes on her Facebook, and any idea that he might be confiding in her.
• We argue multiple times in various contexts.  I find myself getting angrier than I ever have.  
• Miles begins to shut down and shut me out when her name is mentioned
• Miles offers to let me read her messages.  I decline as I don't want to invade his privacy.
• I catch Miles messaging Scabby and see what I think to be a kinky picture.  I call him on it and it turns out he sent her a picture of some of my bondage and sex toys.  
• Miles apologises and says the context is innocent.
• Miles intimates she and he were flirting while he and I were in no-mans-land
• I start having nightmares about Miles and Scabby

And now for the kicker

• Miles and I are messing around about tell signs when people are talking.  I can't remember why but I let him know he has a tell when he is about to tell a white lie.  He puts it to the test and tells me he met Scabby just before I came over to visit him. I burst into tears knowing she has flirted while we have been talking, never quite knowing the context as he never shares.  Thinking the worst.  Thinking they have talked in a sexual way and have shared pictures when I was waiting and hoping we would be together... Could he have been looking at other options that entire time?
• Miles and I have a huge argument, the trigger of which is Scabby (again).  I royally kick off and in throwing a cushion intentionally at his chest (I know... I'll come back to this one), I clock him in the face.
• Miles and I hit peak Scabby territory
• We have a heart to heart and the day before I leave he shows me his phone and the messages.  I'm 100% convinced there were deletions.  To this day I've no idea what to do with that.

The messages

• He asks me how far I want to go back and despite thinking I would never want to invade his privacy in this way I know if I don't look we are over.  If I don't see what has been going on, I won't be able to move on.  I give him the date we made ourselves official
• Scabby tells him she has noticed we are 'Facebook official'. Miles doesn't gush or respond like I would have expected, he embraces the joke
• Scabby tells him the next day she had a dream that he and I were getting married, that he did a run at the alter and ran to a place on the beach where she knew he would be waiting for her, that she knew he and she would be in each others lives forever and that in the dream he told her that no-one would ever come between them.  Miles doesn't say much from the messages I could see (I'm hoping nothing was deleted).  He doesn't however call her a fucking lunatic either.
• Scabby begins to place kisses after her messages to him.  Miles doesn't tell her to stop
• A few messages later scabby and he are talking about 50 shades of grey.  The how or the why this conversation came about is very sketchy and I think this is where some things may have been deleted.
• Miles sends Scabby the picture I mentioned above of the sex toys.  Scabby intimates I look innocent.  The conversation ends suddenly (again I believe here there was something missing.

There are a few more.  Lots more kisses and lots more flirting.  There's also a conversation where she asks him how we are getting on and he responds saying well but that I don't get his anxiety.  That one cut like a knife.  There he is sat in my flat, being loved and supported by me, out of his comfort zone doing things he hasn't done in years and somehow I don't understand his anxiety??  The intimation is the cutting part though.  However much I might get it wrong the very conversation intimated Scabby herself was a source of comfort.  What the fuck!  

Before the flight Miles was going through older messages.  He didn't show me any (they must have been ones he really didn't want me to see), but of the couple he did there was one of Scabby wearing the engagement ring she sent him.  I mean what the hell!  The girl either has serious issues or the context of these messages is incredibly different to the light Miles has painted.  Either way... What the fuck!!!!! FUCK!

Anyway where are we now...

Miles recently said he would cut off all ties with Scabby if I asked him to.  He said he would tell her not to overstep the mark if she sent him messages in that context anymore.  Every single ball was placed in my court.  I had no idea what to do.  I was handed a loaded gun.  Point it one way and I take out the Scabby little bitch who better hope and prey I never meet her in person (I can hand on heart confirm my lack of physical violence would go out the window and her face would be mashed against the floor with my foot) but at the same time remove a friend (he maintains this athough I genuinely question it... the messages I saw mean one of two things 1.  She isn't really a friend 

(unfinished)

I want a teleporter

Miles and I are in the wait and see bucket for the next few weeks and I can't help but wonder if we are both looking at the same 'prize' at the end.  If we make it to the next 'checkpoint' then the serious parts will most likely be a reality we need to talk about.  The things that up until now we have mentioned and played about with but haven't really been reality driven.

Where do we live?
How do we make it work financially?
Would he relocate here for a while?
What size place would we need?
Does he want marriage?
How would I get a visa?
How will we save for the future?
Are kids part of the 'plan'?  When? (Unfortunately there is a very short time span for this one -  it's a jump in and see right now kinda one if we add in average conception times)
Where do his kids fit in?
Where do I fit in with his kids?
What do our wider families think?

So so many questions,  and unfortunately as neither of us are Spring chickens,  the biological clocks are running,  and as he already has a young family,  we couldn't really play the suck it and see card.  It would work,  and we would end up letting time and opportunity get away from us.

Right now however there are too many in the moment changes happening to even keep track.  My new job is enjoyable but with game changer news on how I fit in delivered on Friday knocking me off kilter somewhat I've been struggling to sleep.  2hrs here, 3hrs there.  I'm shattered but I can't shut off.  Bad dreams are plentiful.  5am and I just plain give up.  I try not to think about he and I too much during this time and if I did it would circle the same thing over and over... Is his ex messaging (not the baby mama but an older one - I definitely need to vent at a later time about this one) and,  is he messaging back.  He tells me no.  I believe him,  but then I would have no way of knowing either way.  I despise her.  I do need to vent... Trying not to right now.

He on the other hand also has a heap.  There's some practical stuff about legalities where he lives that needs covering off,  he is changing some medication which is having some impact (some of which I'm really concerned about),  and there's maybe a bigger piece that has him look at if adding things in was the right thing.  I really worry about this.  I worry about its effect on us.  On sex.  On the things that make people a couple.  Ultimately though he is the one who has to be I control so I've expressed my thoughts and I need to just let him decide.  On top of that there's also a journey he is on that should see him more confident and capable over the next few months.  I hope it works miracles.  I wonder if we will be there if it does. I want him to find what he needs from it either way.  This concern bloggers I've not mentioned.  It isn't appropriate. He needs to be the best version of himself and everything else is irrelevant including me/us in that process.

For now though,  I would settle for a hug.

Falling asleep on the phone is the one flow we do same to have though.  The one constant.  I love it.  I like hearing his breathing and snores.  It makes me content.  His medication has squished them somewhat but it's the sentiment.  It's lovely.  He doesn't even ask it's just assumed and it's perfect.

So here I am.  A content but incredibly tired and stressed out celibate blogger typing this from her bed while I listen to him breathe and hope it will ease me to sleep.  Life isn't so bad

I need longer arms

Miles and I are in the land of the Unknown.  There are so many parts of he and I that are better,  stronger,  more together when we are a unit.  I find the way I feel bout him difficult to describe.  I've fallen in love twice before,  each different,  but both with the same sense of intensity.  With Miles it's different.  I don't have that all encompassing passion fuelled haze.  I have... Well I'm not sure.

He makes me laugh... A lot.  He makes me feel calm and warm and safe when I'm with him.  The way he gently brushed my hair,  rubs my bum as I'm falling asleep,  puts his arm around me as we are sat down.  He is like a blanket.  Don't get me wrong,  he exites me too,  it's just different.  There are more barriers.

To be honest bloggers there are so many barriers it's like we are doomed before we began,  but somehow we just keep gently knocking through them.  He is a different man.  A better man.  I am a different girl.  We just seem to fit.  Not in the conventional way,  but like a pyramid.  I think we could be stronger together than most couples if we can get to the togethser part.  I'm missing him a heap!  I sill need to blog and vent and let it all out about where I'm at and how we got here,  but today isn't the day.  Today I just want extra long arms to hold him and hug him and let him know I'm there.  I don't know how to reach him The same when we are apart.

New tablets are playing a part again.  I hope the twist is for the good despite how I feel and see things at the moment.  Shut down and shut out will never bode well for us and I don't want to be in that place again,  not after knowing when we are together how far and fast we can run.  If two months was anything to go by a year would see us somewhere amazing.  Could see us somewhere amazing.

Today is Father's Day.  He hasn't had what he hoped for,  what he needed,  what he deserved.  I... Well I never know what to do on this day.  14yrs and it still cuts deeper than I think anything else in my life ever will.

I want kids.  It's constantly on my mind.  It's a hopeless,  fruitless,  pointless thought to have.  It's never going to happen and I need to start training my brain to deal with it or I'm always going to struggle.  He is so incredibly lucky to have what he has despite his whirlwinds of craziness over the years.  I don't know how I'll fill the gap.  Is it even possible? 

Get up. Get up! GET UP!!!

Its Wednesday afternoon,  I'm sat on the beach,  and Miles is still in bed.  I was worried he would slip when he came back home,  worried that things would shift,  but I didn't realise in the twist of it all I would somehow end up being the bad guy.  The eternal nag.

The last three days we haven't done a thing.  Friday we took the kids swimming,  Saturday I found myself at the beach having waited until after 12 for him to get out of bed and eventually giving up.  I bumped into his mum and bf and by late afternoon he had emerged,  by the evening his normal self.  Saturday we did nothing.  I had asked what he wanted to do and the entire thing turned into a negotiation leaving me feeling shitty having been scoffed at when I said I had wanted to know how to dress.  We spent the day indoors despite it being sunny.  Late afternoon came and went and we hid upstairs as his mums friends came round.  

Sunday was different.  I had told him a few days before what I had wanted to do and was pretty strong in showing it mattered.  I wanted to be at the event for 11.  That didn't happen.  Lots of negotiation later and he was eventually up and dressed.  By the time we headed out all my excitement for the day had been burst.  It was a nice afternoon all the same but it lost some of its shine for sure.  It was really busy out and I was so impressed with how he pushed himself once we were out.  Late afternoon we headed back to his with a plan of relaxing in the garden.  When we got there his mum was hosting a party.  Shift.  We were left feeling awkward.  I was left looking like a lemon as he disappeared because I had asked we sit outside.  The evening was tense and disappointing.  Monday we did nothing.  We sat in the house.  He didn't get showered or changed until early evening when my asking had almost tipped the apple cart to another falling out.  Nat nag nag.  That's all I seem to be doing since we got here. 

Are you getting up - nag

Are we doing something - nag

Get in the shower - nag

Are you getting changed - nag

Please get in the shower - nag

Let's go do something - nag

Are you getting in the shower - nag

Go shower - nag

And all the while met with the same responses.  My head wants to pop.  By the time we are at the part of actually doing something I'm in a foul mood and can't be arsed.  It's frustrating getting up and dressed not knowing where you are going or what you are doing.  Even more so when you're suitcase living and it's roasting outside so by the time Miles is showered and ready looking fab I've already started to look and feel like a bag of spanners.

Are you getting up - Not right now

Are we doing something - Ummm

Do you want to go and xxx - Not really

Get in the shower - What are we doing

Shall else go for a pub lunch - Errr

Please get in the shower - Alright just not right now

Get dressed - Yess boss

Are we staying in today then (hopes for an answer because at least this way I can change for mooching about and come up with a plan that's fun but accommodates if he is feeling too anxious) - I don't know what do you want to do...

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

Today my head fees like it wants to pop.  I can't and I won't play the game of 'but I have anxiety'.  I know he does.  I get it is difficult.  I know I will never fully understand.  At the same time however I also get stressed and uptight and so there has to be a compromise.  Today has been rewind and repeat and I swear I could scream.

I decided to leave the house and just chill on my own (again).  I picked up a croissant for him and dropped it off.  I'm not eating.  I was so incredibly hungry yesterday but we were stuck upstairs in his room.  His mum hadn't thought through anything and we were trapped.  His anxiety and my lack of confidence to just help myself without him there had us with no food and limited drink which I decided to leave for him so he could take his tablets.  12 o clock last night he brings me a plate and when I say no thanks he throws the fork and a bar of chocolate on the floor and walks off.  2 hours later I ask him to come to bed.  We both love each other but the last few days have been exhausting for the pair of us I think.

So here I am.  It's 12:40,  I've been up two hours and after what felt like yet another negotiation and me having to sit there endlessly waiting for him to just get up and get dressed for us to think about what to do,  I gave up.  My head is going to pop if I have to ask him to get up and showered one more time.  I can't do it again.  Anger doesn't even come close to describing how it makes me feel.  I'm happy to decide what we do but everytime I do it's met with an ummm or an err.  Then when I leave it open its too open.  He wants suggestions even though we have already spoken about what we could do previously.  I will move and meld.  I'm little miss indecisive in my personal life and continually push not to be with him as I know that's what I need to do,  and I could do better at this I know,  but I absolutely draw the line at doing this one more time.  I'm not nagging or negotiating for someone to just get up and showered and out of bed before the day has gone.  What we do isn't dependant on that.  Anything and everything requires getting up and clean unless the intention is to stay in bed all day.  

I question if I am being the asshole and if I'm honest I would probably look at this entire thing differently if the conversations we were having were sat together somewhere both showered,  clean and ready to go.  If that was the sticking point then I could pro ably own it and say I was the one in the wrong.  With this though I just can't do it.  I fee like I'm on repeat and the thought of just that alone.  Just that one phrase 'are you getting up' passing my lips again 'are you getting showered' even going through my mind is enough to make me want to scream until my throat bleeds.

So here I am.  Hot and sweaty sat on the beach in the rain with only 1 day left before I go home.  

Paths ever changing

I'm phone blogging -  this never ends well.

I've so much to talk over and talk about but for now it's a few condensed feelings running through my mind.  2016 is half way and wowzer has it been a big one!  New car,  new significant other, and new job.  So many changes and yet the same me.  Maybe a little calmer.

I'm currently sat writing this from a sun lounger in his garden in 21 degree heat.  The last 12hrs haven't been a great few for us.  

He and I decided to give things a go in February.  It's now June and we are still together.  It's been an ever changing path.  Two very different people finding a middle ground,  and for the most part it's been a two way compromise that has blended and curved with little debate.  Give a little,  take a little,  smile,  talk it out,  every changing,  always moving.  We have somehow made a unit.  An unusual but a unit all the same.  Roles somewhat reversed against my usual place.  I'm the provider,  the financial hub,  the one pushing us forward to a bigger picture.  He is the one for the most part holding the brush and painting what that looks like.  This time it isn't someone who hands me everything,  he questions and pushes back but at the same nurtures previously forgotten parts of me.  He holds the inner me.  The one that wants to be silly and care free but takes a while to shine through.  It is a beautiful thing, it is also a dangerous thing.  Never before have I found myself raising my voice,  walking out a room, volatile in my vocalisation.  There's something raw in our interactions, intense, stubborn and embedded in our disagreements.

At first I thought those times would be the breaking points.  I was sure it would be where we snapped.  Until one night after an explosion I woke the next day,  his arms wrapped around me as always,  his loving kisses on my neck and shoulders.  Utterly enveloped in him.  Safe,  warm, and loved.  I felt exactly where I should be.  The apologies didn't mean a thing.  They weren't needed.  We  just 'are'.  An unusual jigsaw with a few jagged edges that eventually somehow fit.

I know I'm good for him.  He pushes himself.  We spent the last two months at my place, him out of his comfort zone and every day taking new steps.  They seemed to be bigger and easier every day.  He looks better,  walks taller,  smiles more,  seems to just shine.  I adore this about him.t

He is good for me.  He calms me in my soul,  that place that has been so noisy for so long.  He makes me giggle, he brings a smile to my face.  I love him.

There are some significant things tho... 

The next 3-4months are going to be the teller I think.  He has things planned every week to get his life in order and I start my new job.  We most likely won't see each other unless a fairy godmother appears.  Money and time we just don't have.  I think if we make the time work and we both still want the same thing it will be time to make a move.  Visas work permits and a commitment from both of us to be in the same place at the same time; working together as a unit until we can make it official.  Permanent. 

His kids (well 3 of them) are starting to warm to me a little I think.  The battle is going to be a long one I imagine.  I'll bide my time and keep being me and see where it goes.  Goodbye hugs and goodnight kisses and waves are far in the future I think.  He has been the step-parent,  the 'incomer' before but in a very different circumstance.  I don't think he contemplates how hard it is.  I watch him,  when he is just being dad,  when he forgets I'm there.  He is brilliant at it.  He is so incredibly lucky!  Despite his life taking some difficult turns,  he has managed in his 35yrs to accomplish everything I've ever wanted.  I watch him just being and it breaks my heart.  Everything I ever wanted and something I'll never have.  Time passing by the second.  I look on and I wonder if he has a clue, any idea at all.  It sounds selfish.  It probably is.  

We did sports day and I felt so incredibly lost.  It was a lot for him so I wrapped it up and stood on it. Thank god for sunglasses and sunshine.  Dried tears and painted on smiles.  I was so proud for him. Inside I was hurting,  a huge gap.  He mentioned the word step-parent to me.  I thought he would elaborate,  he didn't.  It's lingered in my mind.

Unconfident in my body,  he has touched everywhere.  He knows and has talked over things with me that make me want to die inside.  Weight, hair,  hair colour,  blood,  tears,  everything!  I've hidden nothing.  He makes me feel... Ok.  Ok is better than anything before.  Ok is somehow a win.  My body has been broken this last week.  Pills to one side... I'm now starting to feel it.  I need to keep on though.  I need to metamorphosise into something else.  Me in a different skin.  

He told me when we didn't go for it before it was because of how I looked.  How other people would look at us.  I hadn't expected that.  It cut.  He doesn't make me feel like that though.  Not really.  

I tell him he looks good often.  He tells me I'm beautiful sometimes.  Quietly.  Yesterday however his words cut.  They were deep and hurtful.  I've found myself in my own head now.  No reason to talk.  No words.  

I'm silent and in pain.  My head now matching my body.  

He brought me tea and cake in the garden.  We didn't speak.  He wants an apology because I left him surrounded by new people and feeling lost.  I want an apology too.  When we see his kids the anxiety gets a hold of us both.  We hold it together well until we exhale.  This time was different though.  I had such a great day.  I would have had a 100 like that.  The evening though.  Two small sentences and here I am.  Insular.  He referred to 'my room'. It was horrible and after that unbareable.  A left over space.  Shut away.  Out of sight.  Cold.  I hadn't realised it would ever be like that... Not if we were together.  My room had been his.  My things had been his.  

I love him.  I love this place.  

I've just fallen a million miles and haven't moved at all.  

For the last 9 weeks I've been certain of the forward.  Never knowing where the next step will be.  Never sure where our feet will land,  but always sure we will be left standing.  I can't feel my feet right now.  I know I should speak.  I know I should just DO something.  I can't. 

I don't know who was wrong,  who was right.  All I know is I'm not sure I can get back up.  

The path is so uncertain.  Getting on the plane is going to break me.  Him going backwards will tear my heart.  I want him to stay strong.  I want the dip to be less than it has been in the past.  I want things I don't think I'll have; things time isn't on my side for.  I want a certain someone to be thrown away.  Thrown far and never looked back on.  I want boxed memories to be trash... Things that don't matter because forward is the only important thing.  I want to feel enough.  Feel beautiful.  

I clearly want a lot.  Too much?  I don't know.  I would give it all so maybe not.

I am screaming on the inside.

I'm worried I'm not strong enough

heaps has changed since I last blogged.  So so much!  In a couple of weeks I'll find the time to tell you but not right now.  Right now I just need to write whatever comes into my head.  I need to let my thoughts spill out onto the page without thinking.  I shouldn't have stopped blogging.  Whatever happens I should always blog.

Life has been crazy.  Crazy on so many levels both practical and emotional.  I've literally been riding the roller coaster only I've forgotten to wear my safety harness.  No swimming.  No blog.  No music, and for one significant reason no 'me' time.  With the exception of the rush hour battle to work and back each day I've not had space to take a deep breathe in a long while... And it's showing.

I am a girl who likes company,  but needs space.  It's the quandary.  What I want isn't always what I need.

That said,  right now,  in this very instant,  all I want is someone to hug me until I sleep,  ask me if I'm ok and want to talk it all out,  kiss me on my forehead if I cry and hold me hushing and rocking as I gently fall asleep.  

It's all quite simple, but none of it is forthcoming.  Space,  utter emotional enclosure... Either or,  but one or the other.  I'm at tipping point and I'm worried if I can't cope everything is going to fall like a deck of cards.

Leap Year

Miles called me tonight and it was soooooo nice to just talk.  I've missed him!

I love love his voice.
He sent me a link to Brothers Grimm.  I thought for a moment he was suggesting a move back to bedtime story land,  I quickly realised it didn't. 

BMW messaged today to reiterate his interest.

<3 Miles

*sigh I only wish I knew this was a turning point.  A few months ago if you'd asked me how I felt about leap year,  I'd have been thinking in my mind where I wanted to be...

One day.  I wonder if one day I'll know what it feels like to be proposed to

Building My Wings On The Way Down

"She took a leap and built her wings on the way down..." - Ray Bradbury

I want passion. 

I want love.

I want butterflies.

I want orgasms and glitter and magic.

I want to feel wanted.

I want him, every single broken inch.

I need to feel wanted.

I need orgasms and glitter and magic.

I need butterflies.

I need love.

I need passion.

I'm supposed to be a girlfriend.  I'm so far from a girlfriend.

He is supposed to call me beautiful.  He talks about women in music videos and celebrities in passing, never me.

We are supposed to want to talk to each other every second of every day.  He doesn't call unless it's to watch something.  When I call he seems disinterested.

A morning flirtatious text;  innocent enough.  It is met with silence and hours later a change of subject.  I know he was awake.  

Drinks on Saturday and I find myself telling him where I  am.  Warm tears running down my face, mascara and eyeliner starting to run.  I catch sight of myself in the mirror and there's something incredibly beautiful in my eyes as I talk to him.  I see it all right there in that moment.  I see it all in my eyes, their darkness, their longing,  honest and bare.  He apologises.  I wonder if anything will change.  Nothing changes.  I don't call today to see what happens.  Nothing happens.  Random texts that could be for anyone.  He tells me on Saturday that I had said nothing needed to change.  I corrected him.  That isn't what I said.  I had promised we could carve our own way, that we didn't have to jump a million miles in a day, but I had been clear before he chose this path.  I told him things needed to change; that things would change whether he was to speak or not.  I told him I couldn't continue where we were, that we were stuck in a rut and I was lost.  I told him we had to move forwards together or I had to step forwards alone.  I told him he wouldn't lose my friendship but that he needed to speak if he wanted more.  I told him silence wasn't an answer.  I had said I needed more.  I hadn't thought he would speak and then melt into silence.

I've asked if he felt he had made the wrong decision, if he had regrets.  He told me he hadn't.  I don't know what else to say.  He is working on himself.  I'm ok with that.  I'm not ok with this.

In three weeks I'm due to fly out to see him.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her boyfriend.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her friend.  

If we spent time together I'm sure the clock hand would tick one way or another.  Time is easy, but it has to be wanted.  I don't feel that.  I don't feel like he is bothered either way.  If he isn't bothered then why should I keep reaching?  90% 100% of the time is pointless.  Friendship wise those odds are less one sided, as an 'us', 90% could be a little low.  Am I so difficult to love?  Is it so impossible?

I took a leap of faith.  Was I wrong?

"Sometimes I wish I could read your mind.  But then.  I wonder if I could handle the truth." - Nicholas Sparks

Austin Plain - The Cost

Click for soundtrack

Bee sting

Sometimes things heal on their own,  and some times you have to bite down and suck out the poison.

Miles is struggling right now.  Struggling with lots of things I think,  and I know I'm going to make sure I'm there whenever he needs me,  but the silence right now is deafening.

All I need is an indication and I'll be right there.  Right now there's nothing,  and I'm not going to keep listening to the silence.  I need something back and I'm getting nothing.  As a friend I can handle that and be there for him,  but he said he wanted more.  Why say you want more when it's so clear it wasn't the case.  It's not like I want the world,  just some warmth.

Silence and distance and him putting himself in a bubble and pushing me as far as he can as hard as he can.

I'm so close to being done.  There hasn't been one incling, one glimmer.  Nothing.

Friends... I'll always be there.  Anything else... I'm starting to look like a mug. 

Just being

I miss talking till 3am about nonsense

I miss random questions because there are millions still unasked and yet it feels like only I want to find out the answers

I miss a hundred small things that are hard to quantify but each were the reasons I fell in the first place,  the reasons the tick boxes didn't matter,  the reasons I knew he was the one

I miss him,  and I don't know if there's any getting it all back

Everybody Needs Somebody Sometimes

I hadn't expected my next blog post to be one of this kind, but today has been a difficult one and I just need to let it all out.

Valentines day had a few twists and turns, but today isn't the day for that.  The headline however is that Miles said he wanted to give things a go.  I made sure he understood that meant cards on the table, and not a suck-it-and-see approach, and to my surprise, that is what he decided.  (I'll definitely revisit this in a later blog) for now though, I just need to talk how I'm currently feeling out.

Mum isn't doing so good, she has been in ill health a little while now but with no diagnosis and worsening symptoms, the health system has let her down with everything and her mental health is now starting to rear coupled with the news her best friend and next door neighbor has 6 months to live, and the fact my brother's dog died and she is now seeing less of him as a result of that and some foster-care emergency respite for a kid he looks after.  We are all rallying, but with work and distance and everyone juggling 101 things she hasn't really had the support, I've let her down, and I now need to work out how to get into the right rhythm with it all again.

Work is crazy... I took a secondment (I think I told you that), but until the end of the month I'm still juggling my old job which means crazy hours the next few weeks.  That in itself would be enough, but my colleagues dad has passed away so now I've had to absorb her team and deadlines as well making me a one woman deadline machine among one of the busiest months the contracted year. 

I have a cold, I'm stressed, my bones have started aching, my back has a trapped nerve, my chest an infection, my white blood cell count is at crazy low levels, and it is currently Ser3ndipity and thrombocytopeia at war time.  I need to get it all under control before my body really starts to kick back and I end up in hospital.

I reached out to Miles today... He and I haven't really been on the right foot despite Valentines day and his decision to give it a go.  There's no sign of how we used to be, a crazy lack of anything remotely romantic from his end, and amid it all I'm left wondering what the hell.  Why say one thing (a thing that was a pretty big decision and one I don't think he made lightly), while doing nothing to segment it.  Words without actions.  He called me at 3am last night, I missed the call.  I worried all day as I rang him at 5, then 8 and heard nothing back from my messages until lunchtime when I rang again and he said he had just woken.  I thought something had happened and I hadn't been there for him.  I was imagining the worst.  It turns out it was a pocket dial and he was sleeping...

I still reached out.  I had been driving home from my second 13hr day, had called mum and had realised where she was, had called my brother and had realised he was exhausted and not in a position to take on any of the responsibility, and I was just exhausted.  I called and before he could answer I was in tears.  Sat in my car with hot salty tears streaming down my face.  He listened, he told me I should eat... I left the call after about 15mins and have heard nothing since (it has only been an hour).  He didn't tell me he would call to check in later.  He asked me if I was going to call him back... I really just wanted him to say he would call me in a while.  Message me in a while... I wanted him to reach out.

Miles isn't the reason everything has got a little much this last few weeks, but I really REALLY wanted to feel him helping to make me stronger.  Anytime he has struggled I've been right there, texting or calling him to just 'be' there.  I've told him it will be ok, that he isn't facing it together, and when we were an item... that I love him and we can do anything together.  I don't know why... but he hasn't done the same.  He is my calm, he makes me giggle, but why is this missing?  Nothing, NOTHING has changed since Valentines.  No kisses after messages, no 'babygir', no 'baby', no 'beautiful' (apart from the day itself).  He hasn't rung me just to talk, we haven't hung out chatting about nonsense or doing quizzes, getting to know each other again.  No couple app, no loving touches.  It is like he said something and then shut down.  I don't need shut down right now, I need honesty.  I need him to tell me that he has got me, that we are a team.  I need the emotional bit.  The affection.  I need all the parts that made me fall for him, all the parts that were starting to glimmer.  Where did they go, and why today of all days is he not reaching out to me??

I'll look after myself, will try to sleep and will try to come up with a plan for mum, work, my health this weekend.  I'll juggle it all and will get it back on track.  I'm sure it will mean 101 tears and every single piece of energy left, but I'll hopefully be able to turn it around and be there for everyone in the way they need me.  

As for Miles... I guess the next few days or so will tell.  I know how I feel about him, I think I have shown that, and I'm willing to ride out any storm the world wants to throw at us, but I need to believe he wants to do the same; and right now, I don't see that at all.  I feel like the odds are uneven and while I'm ok with everything we have spoken about (again I'll have to come back and blog that), when things happen like today, people who love you, people who are in a relationship with you... They drop everything they are dealing with, focus their efforts and reach out in any way they can. I can't rationalise it any other way.  All I wanted was a text.  A sign he was with me.  A something to show we were a team.  A kiss, a 'x' on ANY message, but nothing.  Even the message he sent me the other day after I said I thought his lack of kisses etc. was odd... He sent me a heap of love emojis (which genuinely made me smile) but nothing changed after.  Now it seems less like it was funny and more like it was him making a joke of it?? I know he wasn't, I know him better than that but it still stings.  This isn't medication.  This isn't a lack of sexual drive.  This isn't a lack of distance.  This is showing someone you care.  There are so many little ways to show someone you care... A message telling them you're there, a picture from the web, a thumbkiss, a public display, a not so public (telling someone we both know... his mum even),  a post card, a letter, a card, a gift, one message saying 'I'm really glad we are going to give it a shot'.  ANYTHING it doesn't have to be world changing, it wasn't before... but even the little things... There's nothing making us different.  Nothing defining us as a couple.

Nothing makes sense.  I don't want the world right now, right away.  I just want... soemething.

I'd Choose You

I'm a little tipsy...

Things are changing.

I took a seconded promotion at work today.  It was positioned with me a couple of days ago, and despite a lack of cash, everything else was in place and so I've decided to take the leap and embrace 3 months of a new challenge to either find a place to ship up to, or ship out to.  As soon as I made the decision and informed my current boss that I would be moving on for a while (She wasn't involved in the process, rather I was requested for by one of her superiors), I felt an instant feeling of relief.  Miles was of course the first person I text, he was also the person I called when I got home and felt a little wound up by 101 questions from the other people in my life that care raising their 'long hours, no pay increase, crazy work pattern' concerns.  I get it, they care, but seriously; you don't get ahead in this world by sitting still, and I'm determined to make sure I'm never in the same position I was a couple of years ago again.  Miles of course calmed me in minutes.  His voice is enough to make me take a deep breath and slow down.  He is my calm.

I wish I knew where we were, if there was a 'we' at all.

"I didn't fall in love with you.  I walked into love with you,  with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.  I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway.  And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes,  in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality.  I'd find you and I'd choose you." - Kiersten White 

The last week he has been a little different, a little flirtatious (not enough for me to feel like we have taken a leap in the direction I hope, enough for me to notice all the same).  It has been really... sweet. He has his kids this weekend so I hadn't expected to hear from him but last night he called and I spoke with him and one of his little ones for a little while; it definitely made me smile.  It also made me think; we must have some kind of fixture in each others lives if he is open and trusting enough to allow that doorway of communication.  I wasn't 'daddies friend', I was 'Ser3ndipity'.

Valentines is 2 days away, the 13th is 1...

BMW has sent me a message making his hoped intentions incredibly clear a couple of days ago "Look I think you are hot, and you stimulate my mind too... I think I might have a fight on my hand in some respects given there is something/not something going on with the (Miles) man you are still mulling over by the looks of your body language and everything you have said.  When I've asked you about him you move your head as you speak, look up and to your left as you recall memories or thoughts and you smile... not that I'm reading you.  I do however like a challenge, I'm just not sure if I am stepping on toes."  I had forgotten BMW was an NLP practitioner until this point.  He's right.  I do smile when I think of Miles, he is always on my mind.  The thing is bloggers, here's a guy, admittedly a guy who doesn't light me up inside when I think of him, but a handsome and intelligent guy with great prospects telling me as plainly as possible that he is interested, and all I need to do is give him the nod and he would love to take me out.  

Am I completely insane for not having moved on from Miles when five months on he's not as Evanessance says 'made a claim' for me?  This situation isn't new.  I've been in this place many times, and every time I make the same choice... I pick the same.  The guy on my wrist. One of the dots (Clutz, Mr X, Miles)... That guy will always win.  I fall rarely, and I fall hard.  Anyone else is collateral damage.

Uncertain and as rocky as the path, Miles will win every single time.  I can't walk away.  I have to give him one last chance to reach out, to tell me I'm what he wants, that he can't think of a world where I'm not right there by his side, that I'm beautiful inside and out, that uncertainty (of that kind) is completely irrelevant now, that he wants us to be together,  make a go of things, see where it takes us, that it doesn't matter if the whole world knows, because I am for him, and all the other stuff we can face everything else together.

2 days

If in 2 days nothing has moved, I need to find a way to walk away.  I need to leave him to the space he has found and is happy in without me.  Just friends. 

As hard as it would be, as impossible as it would be, I know I am right to set a time and if it hasn't happened to walk away.  I set the time a while back, now I just need to make sure I sand by my conviction.  I know he has challenges and things aren't that simple, maybe he struggles to find the words, maybe his head doesn't paint things clear, but it isn't his head he should be listening to, it's his heart, and for that all you need to do is shut your eyes and just be.  

I sent him a valentine.  If we part ways on a 'mate date' then I can look back and regardless of the pain in my heart will know that despite it all, despite everything, I was a girl who stood in front of a boy telling him that I loved him, that I didn't shy away from it even though my heart had been broken before.  That I was brave enough to open myself up to adventure, and risked it all by telling him how I felt.  There was nothing else left.  I will have said it all.

...

He sent me some virtual valentine cards tonight.  I couldn't tell what he meant by them. I could hope, but I need more.  I can't risk it all for something that could be misunderstood or misinterpreted.  I hadn't realised at the time, but I've done that before, and I can't make the same mistake again.  I've stood on the edge holding out my heart for a long time.  If he feels the same, he needs to be bold, he needs to trust me with his heart, hold it out, the same way, and actually find the words.  I can't let anything less be enough.

Tomorrow is the 13th.  Our day.  It is also the last day anything could arrive in the post.  With the exception of flower delivery time is almost out.

Every inch of me is hoping for something...

If nothing happens it is going to take everything I have to walk away while reaching out as a friend.  I will never walk away from him.

Colbie Callat - Realize

Click for soundtrack