I'm phone blogging - this never ends well.
I've so much to talk over and talk about but for now it's a few condensed feelings running through my mind. 2016 is half way and wowzer has it been a big one! New car, new significant other, and new job. So many changes and yet the same me. Maybe a little calmer.
I'm currently sat writing this from a sun lounger in his garden in 21 degree heat. The last 12hrs haven't been a great few for us.
He and I decided to give things a go in February. It's now June and we are still together. It's been an ever changing path. Two very different people finding a middle ground, and for the most part it's been a two way compromise that has blended and curved with little debate. Give a little, take a little, smile, talk it out, every changing, always moving. We have somehow made a unit. An unusual but a unit all the same. Roles somewhat reversed against my usual place. I'm the provider, the financial hub, the one pushing us forward to a bigger picture. He is the one for the most part holding the brush and painting what that looks like. This time it isn't someone who hands me everything, he questions and pushes back but at the same nurtures previously forgotten parts of me. He holds the inner me. The one that wants to be silly and care free but takes a while to shine through. It is a beautiful thing, it is also a dangerous thing. Never before have I found myself raising my voice, walking out a room, volatile in my vocalisation. There's something raw in our interactions, intense, stubborn and embedded in our disagreements.
At first I thought those times would be the breaking points. I was sure it would be where we snapped. Until one night after an explosion I woke the next day, his arms wrapped around me as always, his loving kisses on my neck and shoulders. Utterly enveloped in him. Safe, warm, and loved. I felt exactly where I should be. The apologies didn't mean a thing. They weren't needed. We just 'are'. An unusual jigsaw with a few jagged edges that eventually somehow fit.
I know I'm good for him. He pushes himself. We spent the last two months at my place, him out of his comfort zone and every day taking new steps. They seemed to be bigger and easier every day. He looks better, walks taller, smiles more, seems to just shine. I adore this about him.t
He is good for me. He calms me in my soul, that place that has been so noisy for so long. He makes me giggle, he brings a smile to my face. I love him.
There are some significant things tho...
The next 3-4months are going to be the teller I think. He has things planned every week to get his life in order and I start my new job. We most likely won't see each other unless a fairy godmother appears. Money and time we just don't have. I think if we make the time work and we both still want the same thing it will be time to make a move. Visas work permits and a commitment from both of us to be in the same place at the same time; working together as a unit until we can make it official. Permanent.
His kids (well 3 of them) are starting to warm to me a little I think. The battle is going to be a long one I imagine. I'll bide my time and keep being me and see where it goes. Goodbye hugs and goodnight kisses and waves are far in the future I think. He has been the step-parent, the 'incomer' before but in a very different circumstance. I don't think he contemplates how hard it is. I watch him, when he is just being dad, when he forgets I'm there. He is brilliant at it. He is so incredibly lucky! Despite his life taking some difficult turns, he has managed in his 35yrs to accomplish everything I've ever wanted. I watch him just being and it breaks my heart. Everything I ever wanted and something I'll never have. Time passing by the second. I look on and I wonder if he has a clue, any idea at all. It sounds selfish. It probably is.
We did sports day and I felt so incredibly lost. It was a lot for him so I wrapped it up and stood on it. Thank god for sunglasses and sunshine. Dried tears and painted on smiles. I was so proud for him. Inside I was hurting, a huge gap. He mentioned the word step-parent to me. I thought he would elaborate, he didn't. It's lingered in my mind.
Unconfident in my body, he has touched everywhere. He knows and has talked over things with me that make me want to die inside. Weight, hair, hair colour, blood, tears, everything! I've hidden nothing. He makes me feel... Ok. Ok is better than anything before. Ok is somehow a win. My body has been broken this last week. Pills to one side... I'm now starting to feel it. I need to keep on though. I need to metamorphosise into something else. Me in a different skin.
He told me when we didn't go for it before it was because of how I looked. How other people would look at us. I hadn't expected that. It cut. He doesn't make me feel like that though. Not really.
I tell him he looks good often. He tells me I'm beautiful sometimes. Quietly. Yesterday however his words cut. They were deep and hurtful. I've found myself in my own head now. No reason to talk. No words.
I'm silent and in pain. My head now matching my body.
He brought me tea and cake in the garden. We didn't speak. He wants an apology because I left him surrounded by new people and feeling lost. I want an apology too. When we see his kids the anxiety gets a hold of us both. We hold it together well until we exhale. This time was different though. I had such a great day. I would have had a 100 like that. The evening though. Two small sentences and here I am. Insular. He referred to 'my room'. It was horrible and after that unbareable. A left over space. Shut away. Out of sight. Cold. I hadn't realised it would ever be like that... Not if we were together. My room had been his. My things had been his.
I love him. I love this place.
I've just fallen a million miles and haven't moved at all.
For the last 9 weeks I've been certain of the forward. Never knowing where the next step will be. Never sure where our feet will land, but always sure we will be left standing. I can't feel my feet right now. I know I should speak. I know I should just DO something. I can't.
I don't know who was wrong, who was right. All I know is I'm not sure I can get back up.
The path is so uncertain. Getting on the plane is going to break me. Him going backwards will tear my heart. I want him to stay strong. I want the dip to be less than it has been in the past. I want things I don't think I'll have; things time isn't on my side for. I want a certain someone to be thrown away. Thrown far and never looked back on. I want boxed memories to be trash... Things that don't matter because forward is the only important thing. I want to feel enough. Feel beautiful.
I clearly want a lot. Too much? I don't know. I would give it all so maybe not.
I am screaming on the inside.
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