I want a teleporter

Miles and I are in the wait and see bucket for the next few weeks and I can't help but wonder if we are both looking at the same 'prize' at the end.  If we make it to the next 'checkpoint' then the serious parts will most likely be a reality we need to talk about.  The things that up until now we have mentioned and played about with but haven't really been reality driven.

Where do we live?
How do we make it work financially?
Would he relocate here for a while?
What size place would we need?
Does he want marriage?
How would I get a visa?
How will we save for the future?
Are kids part of the 'plan'?  When? (Unfortunately there is a very short time span for this one -  it's a jump in and see right now kinda one if we add in average conception times)
Where do his kids fit in?
Where do I fit in with his kids?
What do our wider families think?

So so many questions,  and unfortunately as neither of us are Spring chickens,  the biological clocks are running,  and as he already has a young family,  we couldn't really play the suck it and see card.  It would work,  and we would end up letting time and opportunity get away from us.

Right now however there are too many in the moment changes happening to even keep track.  My new job is enjoyable but with game changer news on how I fit in delivered on Friday knocking me off kilter somewhat I've been struggling to sleep.  2hrs here, 3hrs there.  I'm shattered but I can't shut off.  Bad dreams are plentiful.  5am and I just plain give up.  I try not to think about he and I too much during this time and if I did it would circle the same thing over and over... Is his ex messaging (not the baby mama but an older one - I definitely need to vent at a later time about this one) and,  is he messaging back.  He tells me no.  I believe him,  but then I would have no way of knowing either way.  I despise her.  I do need to vent... Trying not to right now.

He on the other hand also has a heap.  There's some practical stuff about legalities where he lives that needs covering off,  he is changing some medication which is having some impact (some of which I'm really concerned about),  and there's maybe a bigger piece that has him look at if adding things in was the right thing.  I really worry about this.  I worry about its effect on us.  On sex.  On the things that make people a couple.  Ultimately though he is the one who has to be I control so I've expressed my thoughts and I need to just let him decide.  On top of that there's also a journey he is on that should see him more confident and capable over the next few months.  I hope it works miracles.  I wonder if we will be there if it does. I want him to find what he needs from it either way.  This concern bloggers I've not mentioned.  It isn't appropriate. He needs to be the best version of himself and everything else is irrelevant including me/us in that process.

For now though,  I would settle for a hug.

Falling asleep on the phone is the one flow we do same to have though.  The one constant.  I love it.  I like hearing his breathing and snores.  It makes me content.  His medication has squished them somewhat but it's the sentiment.  It's lovely.  He doesn't even ask it's just assumed and it's perfect.

So here I am.  A content but incredibly tired and stressed out celibate blogger typing this from her bed while I listen to him breathe and hope it will ease me to sleep.  Life isn't so bad