I've alluded to this post a couple of times, but life has been in the way of blogging of late. That said, you may need to accredit yourself with some parental guidance and a home-made beeper for this one bloggers. It isn't going to be censored with my usual finesse.
It doesn't matter who you date, when you date, or how you date, unless you caught yourself a 21st century stone cold dating virgin (and where's the fun in that), any catch of the day will have an ex lurking in the background. A past lover. Someone whose lips once touched the mouth that now kisses you before bed. Someone whose body has once laid naked next to the man/woman you can feel yourself falling in love with. Someone who no matter how awful, can never, will never be erased. A part of his/her past.
Don't get me wrong bloggers. I've encountered many an ex in my past, some dauntingly attractive, some incredibly bitter and twisted, but for the most part... just a regular girl who for one reason or another is no longer in the picture. A distant memory. An old acquaintance. A someone from somewhere who is still around but in no way poses a threat. I am not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex... I've always tended to favour the approach that if they wanted to be with them they would and so why bother causing a wave. Waves only show a lack of confidence, and despite the many nervous areas in my life; knowing the guy I'm wanting to date only has eyes for me has never been one of the grey areas. So what if an ex is thinner, prettier, more intelligent. I am nothing short of a human dynamo with breasts and so the odd ex conversation here and there... nothing to be phased by.
Until now...
I'm not sure I'll explain this well so I've made a pact with myself to write it out and not to look back. I'm sure in years to come when I peek back at this blog there may be several posts I'm not overly proud of, and I fully suspect this may be one of them. That said... Here goes...
Miles has an ex (no surprises there), only this one is well and truly under my skin; and remember that part where I said 'I'm not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex'? Well this one is really pushing me to my limits. Ok so what do you need to know...
We shall call the ex (I'll enjoy this part)... 'Scabby'. Scabby was Miles ex from high school. I know, I know. I can hear you all sighing saying 'innocent, what on earth are you worrying about', but trust me. This one is a slippery little sucker. When I first got with Miles I was certain the only ex of his I would worry about would be the one he had children with, I mean, who can compete with that? I can't even play in the same batting field unless he and I get to the point of having children. That said, I've met this particular ex a couple of times now, and I feel no intimidation at all. If anything, I feel more confident that I am the better choice. The prettier choice. The more intelligent choice. I could blog about why (and maybe I will at some point), but today isn't about her, its about the Scabby one from way way back.
As I was saying Scabby and Miles dated when she was in high school. It was first love stuff, and after a couple of years Miles did what lots of naive young boys do at that age... He proposed. I believe all in all they were together a couple of years. I can't honestly remember why they split up (I would ask him again but she is a bit of a raw subject), but it was many years ago. I think they stayed in touch on an off for quite a number of years, but when Miles met the mother of his kids she put her foot down and all exes and female friends were shut out and shut down. Several years on now, and she and Miles were back in touch. She with a long term partner and young kid, he single. I don't know how long they were talking before he and I started talking, but a little while for sure.
When I first few out to see Miles I knew of Scabby. He had told me a little about all his exes and I had told him a little about mine. She didn't seem like a threat. I knew they were in touch and I didn't give it a second thought. He had told me they didn't talk often, I do however remember that much. Anyway scroll forward a while... Miles and I don't work out, I fly back home, he and I spend months talking but sitting in no-mans-land, and then we finally decide to give it a go. Again, all the while he and Scabby have been friends. Jump forward a few more months and things are little more convoluted. It might be easier if I break this down. I hasten to add that the below is a time line but the context of which was not discovered in order
- Miles comes to stay at my flat and mentions in passing that Scabby had gone through a phase of calling him when drunk (flirting was alluded to)
- Scabby texts him while he is at my house at 2am (he is sleeping but mentions it the next day)
- Miles begins to make jokes about Scabby messaging him as he likes to see me jealous
- I notice Miles is 'liking' a large amount of posts on Scabby's wall and nudge him about it
- Miles likes more posts. Partly in a playful way I believe. Partly because he likes to see me jealous. Partly because he wants to prove a point that he won't be told again who he can and can't speak to (baby mama remember)
- Miles mentions that Scabby had come onto him during the time we were in no-mans-land
- Miles says it was before no-mans-land she came onto him
- Miles mentions Scabby's other half most probably doesn't know they chat
- Scabby appears to message Miles a lot on Facebook
- Miles mentions he talks to her about his mental health issues. Things he has previously told me he has been unable to chat to anyone about until I came along
So that's the context and now here's the 'what happened next'
- Miles and I have several disagreements about Scabby in one context or another. I am frustrated that she is utilised as a joke for him to rile me. He is annoyed that I don't like him talking to her.
- He asks me if I want him to stop talking to her. I reply that I don't want to control his life in that way
- I want him to stop talking to her but I don't say that as I know he has a very limited social circle and I don't want to deplete the numbers by one.
- I get increasingly frustrated by her name, his likes on her Facebook, and any idea that he might be confiding in her.
- We argue multiple times in various contexts. I find myself getting angrier than I ever have.
- Miles begins to shut down and shut me out when her name is mentioned
- Miles offers to let me read her messages. I decline as I don't want to invade his privacy.
- I catch Miles messaging Scabby and see what I think to be a kinky picture. I call him on it and it turns out he sent her a picture of some of my bondage and sex toys.
- Miles apologises and says the context is innocent.
- Miles intimates she and he were flirting while he and I were in no-mans-land
- I start having nightmares about Miles and Scabby
And now for the kicker
- Miles and I are messing around about tell signs when people are talking. I can't remember why but I let him know he has a tell when he is about to tell a white lie. He puts it to the test and tells me he met Scabby just before I came over to visit him. I burst into tears knowing she has flirted while we have been talking, never quite knowing the context as he never shares. Thinking the worst. Thinking they have talked in a sexual way and have shared pictures when I was waiting and hoping we would be together... Could he have been looking at other options that entire time?
- Miles and I have a huge argument, the trigger of which is Scabby (again). I royally kick off and in throwing a cushion intentionally at his chest (I know... I'll come back to this one), I clock him in the face.
- Miles and I hit peak Scabby territory
- We have a heart to heart and the day before I leave he shows me his phone and the messages. I'm 100% convinced there were deletions. To this day I've no idea what to do with that.
The messages
- He asks me how far I want to go back and despite thinking I would never want to invade his privacy in this way I know if I don't look we are over. If I don't see what has been going on, I won't be able to move on. I give him the date we made ourselves official
- Scabby tells him she has noticed we are 'Facebook official'. Miles doesn't gush or respond like I would have expected, he embraces the joke
- Scabby tells him the next day she had a dream that he and I were getting married, that he did a run at the alter and ran to a place on the beach where she knew he would be waiting for her, that she knew he and she would be in each others lives forever and that in the dream he told her that no-one would ever come between them. Miles doesn't say much from the messages I could see (I'm hoping nothing was deleted). He doesn't however call her a fucking lunatic either.
- Scabby begins to place kisses after her messages to him. Miles doesn't tell her to stop
- A few messages later scabby and he are talking about 50 shades of grey. The how or the why this conversation came about is very sketchy and I think this is where some things may have been deleted.
- Miles sends Scabby the picture I mentioned above of the sex toys. Scabby intimates I look innocent. The conversation ends suddenly (again I believe here there was something missing.
There are a few more. Lots more kisses and lots more flirting. There's also a conversation where she asks him how we are getting on and he responds saying well but that I don't get his anxiety. That one cut like a knife. There he is sat in my flat, being loved and supported by me, out of his comfort zone doing things he hasn't done in years and somehow I don't understand his anxiety?? The intimation is the cutting part though. However much I might get it wrong the very conversation intimated Scabby herself was a source of comfort. What the fuck!
Before the flight Miles was going through older messages. He didn't show me any (they must have been ones he really didn't want me to see), but of the couple he did there was one of Scabby wearing the engagement ring she sent him. I mean what the hell! The girl either has serious issues or the context of these messages is incredibly different to the light Miles has painted. Either way... What the fuck!!!!! FUCK!
Anyway where are we now...
Miles recently said he would cut off all ties with Scabby if I asked him to. He said he would tell her not to overstep the mark if she sent him messages in that context anymore. Every single ball was placed in my court. I had no idea what to do. I was handed a loaded gun. Point it one way and I take out the Scabby little bitch who better hope and prey I never meet her in person (I can hand on heart confirm my lack of physical violence would go out the window and her face would be mashed against the floor with my foot) but at the same time remove a friend (he maintains this athough I genuinely question it... the messages I saw mean one of two things 1. She isn't really a friend
(unfinished)
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