I haven't blogged for a while. It's like everything is on overdrive, my mind is constantly weighing up eventualities, and I think through picking up the laptop to let it all out, but I never really get the chance. It isn't helping. I need to find a couple of hours each week just for me.
This is going to be a long one, here's where I'm at.
Family
Everything is going well, my oldest nephew graduated with a 1st from University, and my middle nephew is set for a 2nd. I'm incredibly proud. They are going to outdo me every step of the way in life and while it is bitter sweet, I wouldn't wish for anything different. Mum and my brothers are doing well and next month I'm at my first cousins wedding. He and I were close growing up, we lost touch 5 or so years ago but in that time he's found a girl and has created a family of his own. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again and wishing him well for the future.
Flat
G-Star and I are still getting on well in terms of living together. We have a few annoyances but i works well for the most part and we have a happy, stress free home. Our apartment is really great so I don't think either of us want to move out anytime soon, but things may need to shift a little if my relationship with Miles keeps going as it is.
Work
My new job is... a disaster! I am stressed 9hrs a day, I dream about work, I struggle to shut off, and I can't believe I'm in the situation I am in. I can't remember what I've already told you it's been so long so let me fill you in as quickly as I can. I was realigned to head office, the head of the office here has been a total cow since. The operation is filled with her family and friends she has recruited so life has been made difficult. There are two bullies in the office (not in my section) and nothing is being done to manage or dismiss them which is concerning, I have become the shoulder for those feeling uncomfortable. I am looking to find a solution.
Since realigning to head office (which 600miles away), I have found myself in a very similar situation to that which I was in on starting my previous job; the land of the outsider. I've recruited two girls in who started last week so that should be a little less now. There's also another woman started who equally is aligned to HQ although I'm unsure if I fully trust her at this point. In the last three weeks I've had numerous items stolen, including a cup that still had 1/2 cup of coffee in it. I'm 99% certain one of the boss sons is to blame. She has been on holiday and is back on Monday (that is going to be one almighty day, I'm dreading it).
Looking at my job from a logical perspective a few things are glaringly obvious:
- Aligning to head office is a positive move career wise
- I have walked into a disaster zone, a company with people on the fiddle, lazy ass employees who get paid to do nothing, a culture of fear where anyone associated to the on site 'boss' has carté blancé to terrorise the rest and several people looking to me to fix the balance
- A person or a group of people within the environment have made it their mission to ensure I face bullying/harassment on a daily basis
- I'm handling myself well and should be proud of myself. My dads workplace stories always resonated with me as a kid and have stood me in good stead.
- I have a limit to my capacity for coping with the current mine field and things are very much at a tipping point which only the next two weeks will determine. It will ether switch up and I'll be able to feel incredibly proud of myself for sticking it out and pushing it forward, OR the whole thing will escalate without positive resolution and I'll be at capacity
I feel like life has taught me lots of lessons up until this moment in my life, and I'm having to use a heap of them to keep my chin up. Everyday feels like I'm entering a school and while sense, grit and determination tell me I'm doing the right thing, it doesn't make anything any easier. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up a little.
Health
I'm a little all over the place. I'm starting to wonder if I'm at the age where my body is changing in the 'never going back' way that women's bodies do. My (you might want to skip a paragraph or so here guys) time of the month has been incredibly different the last few months and a little research suggests my body is primed up for a last ditch attempt at making babies before shutting down service for good. The menopause is something the women in my family have always had a hard time with and it looks like I might be the same. I think I need to go to the doctor and be tested so I can start any hormone replacement to ease the pain as early as possible, but I'm living in a bubble of 'If I don't check then it isn't happening' denial. I've had a couple of other blips without going into detail, and I'm struggling a lot with my weight at the moment (again, I'm in denial and need to set up a specialist appointment) so need to get my head out of the sand.
My biggest worry health wise is that I'm starting to see the swirling pattern I've seen a couple of times before, the times when despite any positives I find myself insular and on a downwards spiral to depression-land; and that bloggers, worries the shit out of me.
With the exception of speaking on this blog, I've always kept this dark secret to myself, never quite able to vocalise it. It sticks in my throat and I find myself very capable of putting on the perfect mask. That's why I worry when it looms. I'm not the shout out for help kind. The one time I hit rock bottom it wasn't support or help I was looking for, it was a sharper piece of glass. Someone was looking out for me that day. I just worry. I know from experience it's like a switch for me. I have a few signs that something is coming and then I either get myself out of it (a long and strenuous process) or the switch could flick. I'm petrified of that switch.
I've become incredibly insular the last month or so. I don't go out at weekends anymore - I was always nipping out even when I planned a weekend in. I could sleep all the time. I avoid plans and step away from responding to people/messages/calls/invitations. I've stopped listening to music. I'm stuck. There are a million contributing factors, but I think the whirlpool that is work is the one that's plaguing me the most. Everything I have is going in to those 9hrs a day and at the end of it I'm exhausted, irritable and just want to curl up in a ball. The thing is bloggers, doing that doesn't help myself. I know what I need to do, I just need to find a way to motivate my head space to do it. I need to give myself me time.
This weekend Miles has had the kids and I've found some time. I love talking to him as much as we do, I think I just need to find a balance. I forget that he has all day to look after his head, I need to give myself some of the same. I'll talk to him about it, I just hope he understands what I'm saying rather than thinking I want to step away. I don't really want to have to explain too much. I'm hoping he just instinctively understands.
Love life
Miles and I are still Miles and I.
I sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture with he and I and question if it is the right thing. I know I haven't chosen the easiest path in being with him, but if I'm honest, I don't really feel like there is anything to chose. I love him, and with every person I fall in love with, there are no alternatives. That said, there are so many hurdles ahead of us.
I worry about having the only income. I worry that in being the sole provider I'll seem mean when I say no. He has a family of 5 and I work my socks off and have very little left. Of course I want to embrace his family as mine, but where does that leave us if we want one of our own? We can't. My salary wouldn't stretch. I don't think Miles would ever feel comfortable saving for ourselves. I can't really get this out properly. I wouldn't want a his old family and our new family... just 'family'. Unfortunately Miles doesn't earn an income and mine isn't endless so despite wanting life to be like the Waltons, for me to gain the experiences and the family I want, we would have to prioritise in that way sometimes, and I just don't think Miles would be able to. I can understand why.
I worry about giving up my life and moving to where he is with no safety net. If we both had incomes then I would feel safer, I would be able to make trips, have people over, go out, do things, go on holidays. With things as they are and as they are likely to be, I wouldn't have that flexibility. I don't hold Miles having no job against him. He has lots of hurdles to face before that and he is hitting those hurdles one after another. I'm incredibly proud of him. That said, I worry he doesn't think about the same things I do. I worry he doesn't take his homework seriously and rather a check box of something he has to do rather than something he should be thinking about daily to help support a shift. I know what it's like to leave things to the last minute if they are hard, but I'm doing the hardest thing I can think of 9hrs a day at the moment trying to think of the bigger picture, and I need to know he is doing the same.
We have nothing if I don't have an income. We have no means of seeing each other, no future home, no hope. I have to keep focused and I need to be sure he is in this as much as I am. I promised myself with Mr X and I split up that I wouldn't make significant changes in my life for a man again, that I would put myself first. With Miles, I know I'm already not doing that. I think it over and over, again and again. The thing is, if you love someone, truly love them, do you ever put yourself first or do you try to factor them into everything? I don't want half assed half baked love. I want the real thing. I'm not with Miles because he is perfect on paper, I'm with him because I'm drawn to him like magnets. I'm with him because I think of him in everything I do and because when we are in a good place he gives me butterflies.
I know he cares about me. I have watched as we've both melded and moulded over the last few months, learning to say sorry, learning to forgive, learning to put things to one side as we care for each other in a way that doesn't want to see the other upset. He calls me when he has his children over. The one time he could forget about me and I would need to forgive, yet he doesn't. He makes sure to stay in touch. He has made so many changes to his life to accommodate me and I see each and every one. Some, selfless. I know he pushes himself because I need him to. I DO know that.
I posted an old draft blog earlier about a girl I've called scabby and a situation we found ourselves in. I didn't read it, it is well over a month old. I know it was a rant. I know it was unfinished. I don't know where things are at with her. I believe him when he says he will tell me if she messages. I believe him when he tells me she hasn't. I believe him when he tells me he loves me. I just know there is more to the past than he has told me and while it disappears for a while, as soon as her face or name pops up it brings it all to the surface again. I know in my heart of hearts that something went on (not in person, but virtually, over chat, message, email) during the time we weren't together. I just really need to know what that was down to detail. I know I'll never know. He will never tell me. I can't ask again. I just hope she disappears now...
Miles and I are in a good place. I know it probably doesn't sound like it from the above but I'm just letting it all out in one giant lump as it's been too long. We talk daily, we laugh often, and he tells me he loves me every time we speak. Last week he told me he missed me out of the blue. It was so nice to hear like that, it made me all warm inside to know it just popped into his head.
We are trying to organise some time to see each other in September. We need to get dates organised so we can do it as cheaply as possible but everything is dependant on him bringing the subject up at his weekly therapist appointment. He can't miss treatment to come over here, and I don't have the annual leave to be over there for a prolonged period of time. It would be easier if Miles could travel alone. We would have more flexibility in short trips but with the plan for him to come here on the cards I need to save AL to go and pick him up and then to drop him off. In an ideal world I would save that time and use it for a visit to cut our time apart, but in reality that isn't currently an option.
I am toying with asking Miles to move over if things go well on his next visit. If we want to make it work we need to find a way to do things until a move is on the cards, and I honestly think he needs to come here for that to happen. If I could wave my magic wand I would want him here and for this apartment to be affordable for the two of us. Unfortunately that isn't financially viable. Moving him in and having a discussion with my current flatmate however might be an option. I'm not sure how G-star would react to be honest, but I'm in my 30s and relationships need time together so I guess if things fall that way I'll have the conversation and if G-star isn't on board I will need to look at an alternative - the apartment is in my name so risking a different flatmate? Shark infested custard given the Miles situation. We need an extra £600 a month. I need to think it out.
I want to live together. I want to get married. I want Miles to ask my brother for permission to propose. I want romance. I want to have kids. I want to have kids soon. I want to find a house and to make it our own. I want Miles to have an income of some sort. I want to have his kids over to stay with us. I want to ban them from fizzy juice, help them with their homework and have us all spend the weekend in a home made blanket fort. I want family Christmas time, matching tacky jumpers, warm meals sitting on the table for me when I get home from work. I want sunset champagne, exotic holidays with private swimming pools. I want a garden. I want family BBQs and mutual friend dinner parties. I want it all, and I want it with him. I want it with him and his family.
Life has been one big transitional mess this year so far, but at least it is moving. Life is moving and I'm trying my best to keep up. I need to remember I'm a good person. I need to remember I deserve good things. I need to remember that love and family and friendship are all that matter and that everything else is unimportant.
I need to be grateful.
I Can Say - Olivia Millerschin
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