Its Wednesday afternoon, I'm sat on the beach, and Miles is still in bed. I was worried he would slip when he came back home, worried that things would shift, but I didn't realise in the twist of it all I would somehow end up being the bad guy. The eternal nag.
The last three days we haven't done a thing. Friday we took the kids swimming, Saturday I found myself at the beach having waited until after 12 for him to get out of bed and eventually giving up. I bumped into his mum and bf and by late afternoon he had emerged, by the evening his normal self. Saturday we did nothing. I had asked what he wanted to do and the entire thing turned into a negotiation leaving me feeling shitty having been scoffed at when I said I had wanted to know how to dress. We spent the day indoors despite it being sunny. Late afternoon came and went and we hid upstairs as his mums friends came round.
Sunday was different. I had told him a few days before what I had wanted to do and was pretty strong in showing it mattered. I wanted to be at the event for 11. That didn't happen. Lots of negotiation later and he was eventually up and dressed. By the time we headed out all my excitement for the day had been burst. It was a nice afternoon all the same but it lost some of its shine for sure. It was really busy out and I was so impressed with how he pushed himself once we were out. Late afternoon we headed back to his with a plan of relaxing in the garden. When we got there his mum was hosting a party. Shift. We were left feeling awkward. I was left looking like a lemon as he disappeared because I had asked we sit outside. The evening was tense and disappointing. Monday we did nothing. We sat in the house. He didn't get showered or changed until early evening when my asking had almost tipped the apple cart to another falling out. Nat nag nag. That's all I seem to be doing since we got here.
Are you getting up - nag
Are we doing something - nag
Get in the shower - nag
Are you getting changed - nag
Please get in the shower - nag
Let's go do something - nag
Are you getting in the shower - nag
Go shower - nag
And all the while met with the same responses. My head wants to pop. By the time we are at the part of actually doing something I'm in a foul mood and can't be arsed. It's frustrating getting up and dressed not knowing where you are going or what you are doing. Even more so when you're suitcase living and it's roasting outside so by the time Miles is showered and ready looking fab I've already started to look and feel like a bag of spanners.
Are you getting up - Not right now
Are we doing something - Ummm
Do you want to go and xxx - Not really
Get in the shower - What are we doing
Shall else go for a pub lunch - Errr
Please get in the shower - Alright just not right now
Get dressed - Yess boss
Are we staying in today then (hopes for an answer because at least this way I can change for mooching about and come up with a plan that's fun but accommodates if he is feeling too anxious) - I don't know what do you want to do...
AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Today my head fees like it wants to pop. I can't and I won't play the game of 'but I have anxiety'. I know he does. I get it is difficult. I know I will never fully understand. At the same time however I also get stressed and uptight and so there has to be a compromise. Today has been rewind and repeat and I swear I could scream.
I decided to leave the house and just chill on my own (again). I picked up a croissant for him and dropped it off. I'm not eating. I was so incredibly hungry yesterday but we were stuck upstairs in his room. His mum hadn't thought through anything and we were trapped. His anxiety and my lack of confidence to just help myself without him there had us with no food and limited drink which I decided to leave for him so he could take his tablets. 12 o clock last night he brings me a plate and when I say no thanks he throws the fork and a bar of chocolate on the floor and walks off. 2 hours later I ask him to come to bed. We both love each other but the last few days have been exhausting for the pair of us I think.
So here I am. It's 12:40, I've been up two hours and after what felt like yet another negotiation and me having to sit there endlessly waiting for him to just get up and get dressed for us to think about what to do, I gave up. My head is going to pop if I have to ask him to get up and showered one more time. I can't do it again. Anger doesn't even come close to describing how it makes me feel. I'm happy to decide what we do but everytime I do it's met with an ummm or an err. Then when I leave it open its too open. He wants suggestions even though we have already spoken about what we could do previously. I will move and meld. I'm little miss indecisive in my personal life and continually push not to be with him as I know that's what I need to do, and I could do better at this I know, but I absolutely draw the line at doing this one more time. I'm not nagging or negotiating for someone to just get up and showered and out of bed before the day has gone. What we do isn't dependant on that. Anything and everything requires getting up and clean unless the intention is to stay in bed all day.
I question if I am being the asshole and if I'm honest I would probably look at this entire thing differently if the conversations we were having were sat together somewhere both showered, clean and ready to go. If that was the sticking point then I could pro ably own it and say I was the one in the wrong. With this though I just can't do it. I fee like I'm on repeat and the thought of just that alone. Just that one phrase 'are you getting up' passing my lips again 'are you getting showered' even going through my mind is enough to make me want to scream until my throat bleeds.
So here I am. Hot and sweaty sat on the beach in the rain with only 1 day left before I go home.
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