Miles and I are in the land of the Unknown. There are so many parts of he and I that are better, stronger, more together when we are a unit. I find the way I feel bout him difficult to describe. I've fallen in love twice before, each different, but both with the same sense of intensity. With Miles it's different. I don't have that all encompassing passion fuelled haze. I have... Well I'm not sure.
He makes me laugh... A lot. He makes me feel calm and warm and safe when I'm with him. The way he gently brushed my hair, rubs my bum as I'm falling asleep, puts his arm around me as we are sat down. He is like a blanket. Don't get me wrong, he exites me too, it's just different. There are more barriers.
To be honest bloggers there are so many barriers it's like we are doomed before we began, but somehow we just keep gently knocking through them. He is a different man. A better man. I am a different girl. We just seem to fit. Not in the conventional way, but like a pyramid. I think we could be stronger together than most couples if we can get to the togethser part. I'm missing him a heap! I sill need to blog and vent and let it all out about where I'm at and how we got here, but today isn't the day. Today I just want extra long arms to hold him and hug him and let him know I'm there. I don't know how to reach him The same when we are apart.
New tablets are playing a part again. I hope the twist is for the good despite how I feel and see things at the moment. Shut down and shut out will never bode well for us and I don't want to be in that place again, not after knowing when we are together how far and fast we can run. If two months was anything to go by a year would see us somewhere amazing. Could see us somewhere amazing.
Today is Father's Day. He hasn't had what he hoped for, what he needed, what he deserved. I... Well I never know what to do on this day. 14yrs and it still cuts deeper than I think anything else in my life ever will.
I want kids. It's constantly on my mind. It's a hopeless, fruitless, pointless thought to have. It's never going to happen and I need to start training my brain to deal with it or I'm always going to struggle. He is so incredibly lucky to have what he has despite his whirlwinds of craziness over the years. I don't know how I'll fill the gap. Is it even possible?
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