Building My Wings On The Way Down

"She took a leap and built her wings on the way down..." - Ray Bradbury

I want passion. 

I want love.

I want butterflies.

I want orgasms and glitter and magic.

I want to feel wanted.

I want him, every single broken inch.

I need to feel wanted.

I need orgasms and glitter and magic.

I need butterflies.

I need love.

I need passion.

I'm supposed to be a girlfriend.  I'm so far from a girlfriend.

He is supposed to call me beautiful.  He talks about women in music videos and celebrities in passing, never me.

We are supposed to want to talk to each other every second of every day.  He doesn't call unless it's to watch something.  When I call he seems disinterested.

A morning flirtatious text;  innocent enough.  It is met with silence and hours later a change of subject.  I know he was awake.  

Drinks on Saturday and I find myself telling him where I  am.  Warm tears running down my face, mascara and eyeliner starting to run.  I catch sight of myself in the mirror and there's something incredibly beautiful in my eyes as I talk to him.  I see it all right there in that moment.  I see it all in my eyes, their darkness, their longing,  honest and bare.  He apologises.  I wonder if anything will change.  Nothing changes.  I don't call today to see what happens.  Nothing happens.  Random texts that could be for anyone.  He tells me on Saturday that I had said nothing needed to change.  I corrected him.  That isn't what I said.  I had promised we could carve our own way, that we didn't have to jump a million miles in a day, but I had been clear before he chose this path.  I told him things needed to change; that things would change whether he was to speak or not.  I told him I couldn't continue where we were, that we were stuck in a rut and I was lost.  I told him we had to move forwards together or I had to step forwards alone.  I told him he wouldn't lose my friendship but that he needed to speak if he wanted more.  I told him silence wasn't an answer.  I had said I needed more.  I hadn't thought he would speak and then melt into silence.

I've asked if he felt he had made the wrong decision, if he had regrets.  He told me he hadn't.  I don't know what else to say.  He is working on himself.  I'm ok with that.  I'm not ok with this.

In three weeks I'm due to fly out to see him.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her boyfriend.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her friend.  

If we spent time together I'm sure the clock hand would tick one way or another.  Time is easy, but it has to be wanted.  I don't feel that.  I don't feel like he is bothered either way.  If he isn't bothered then why should I keep reaching?  90% 100% of the time is pointless.  Friendship wise those odds are less one sided, as an 'us', 90% could be a little low.  Am I so difficult to love?  Is it so impossible?

I took a leap of faith.  Was I wrong?

"Sometimes I wish I could read your mind.  But then.  I wonder if I could handle the truth." - Nicholas Sparks

Austin Plain - The Cost

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