My tough day... As it happens

05:15. Woke up to a text from Miles sent at exactly midnight wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me not to sweat the age thing because life has a plan

06:00. Took a long shower to try and shake the shakes.  Heart beating through my chest,  shivers in my tummy

06:30. Opened the six birthday cards that have been collecting in the hallway this last week

06:32. Huge,  fat,  hot tears.  Tears because some of the cards are so very thoughtful.

06:35. Sat on the bedroom floor sobbing.  Wondering what's going to happen when I'm older and still sat here on my birthday alone.  Eyes faded,  body broken, and wondering how I somehow ended up being the one here alone

06:37. I decide blogging through the day might help me to focus so here we are.  One continually changing post from here until tomorrow...

06:40. Music.  Music and makeup to paint on my mask ready for the day.  Words running round my mind as I talk to myself in my head 'you can't cry at work'. 'Stop being so ungrateful with your life'. 'You should be ashamed of yourself,  some people have nothing'. 'Stop crying,  game face until you get home tonight,  then you can run a bath and let it all go'. 'You aren't even 34 until 21:04 tonight'. The last one somehow helping,  however illogical.

06:50. Crying again.  No idea how I'm going to make myself presentable to get into work,  let alone stay there pretending to be 'normal' all day.  This shouldn't be so hard but I feel heartbroken.  I need a hug.  A long-get lost in the moment- hug

07:06. Evanescence makes me smile by sending an audio clip of her singing happy birthday to the tune of we wish you a merry Christmas.  I send her a picture of my makeup x2 and ask if she can tell I've been crying.  Apparently you can :/. I'm late for work so on goes more eyeliner and a hope that no one asks.  Is it too early for hay fever?

09:50. Had a blubber in the bathroom.  Now consoling my red red eyes with work client gossip and a cinnamon coffee.  Please!  Let no one ask about my face

10:30. The guy (we need to give him a name so let's go BMW due to his love of all things BMW) who I went on a few date with who is now sat downstairs asked to take me for coffee today.  We had met for lunch the other day.  It was nice to catchup and given the fact he is kicking ass on his contract and being the tough guy,  I think a friendly face is a welcome distraction for him.  I've not accepted the invite... Yet

10:45. My team baked me a cake and gave me some gifts (including a pink Casio scientific calculator) which is quite frankly fantastic given I spent a large chunk of my week bashing MI and insight guys over the heads with my retro calculations and correcting their blind faith in all things excel.  The attention,  song and the candles tested my game face to the max.  I've got sore eyes

11:30. The communications team baked me a cake so just had to do candles,  song and sparklers take 2.  Lots of goodies for my car so very thoughtful.  I am genuinely lucky to be liked by so many people

11:45. BMW has emailed a number of times,  I'll meet him for coffee later.  Miles has sent another few texts.  They are sooooo different.  Miles is gentler. I wish I knew where I was with him.

12:00 lunch with EVERYONE.  Lots of chat and laughing.  I love nonsense and filth.  Too many questions however about my age.  Apparently I look between 25 and 29.  I can handle that.

13:00. Distraction time as I'm starting to wobble again.  I've given myself half an hour to fundraiser for this charity walk I'm doing.

13:40. I was a beast.  Put a sales girl in charge of a tombola and 30mins later she's made £400.  Add that to the £140 I've already raised and I'm quite happy with my contributions.  It was a good distraction.  I feel a little better

14:00. I met BMW for a coffee.  He was waiting with a cinnamon latte,  a malteasers bunny and a card made out of post-it notes when I got there.  A good chat was had.  There was a little dig about whether 'the Isle of Man guy had bought me a motorbike'.  I didn't bite.

14:40. I feel sick.  Today has taken it out of me.  I just stood up and nearly fainted.  People say I'm looking bright red and not well.  I don't think anyone has noticed I've avoided eating so I've said it must be a sugar high

15:00. I feel terrible.  I am starting to worry the stress of the day is reaching 'age 30' levels.  If I have a seizure I'm not going to be happy.

15:20. I'm in the bathroom.  I had to come and sit on the floor.  Seizures 1 -  Ser3ndipity - 0

17:34. I left work sharp,  did a drive by for some yummy food things (if I get my appetite back I'm definitely not wanting healthy this next few days), and arrived home to an envelope containing a card from Miles,  a card from his mum,  and a keyring with his countries flag on it.  I love it.  I think I have my answer about valentines however;  the card was signed 'from Miles X'  not 'love Miles X'. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.