I hadn't expected my next blog post to be one of this kind, but today has been a difficult one and I just need to let it all out.
Valentines day had a few twists and turns, but today isn't the day for that. The headline however is that Miles said he wanted to give things a go. I made sure he understood that meant cards on the table, and not a suck-it-and-see approach, and to my surprise, that is what he decided. (I'll definitely revisit this in a later blog) for now though, I just need to talk how I'm currently feeling out.
Mum isn't doing so good, she has been in ill health a little while now but with no diagnosis and worsening symptoms, the health system has let her down with everything and her mental health is now starting to rear coupled with the news her best friend and next door neighbor has 6 months to live, and the fact my brother's dog died and she is now seeing less of him as a result of that and some foster-care emergency respite for a kid he looks after. We are all rallying, but with work and distance and everyone juggling 101 things she hasn't really had the support, I've let her down, and I now need to work out how to get into the right rhythm with it all again.
Work is crazy... I took a secondment (I think I told you that), but until the end of the month I'm still juggling my old job which means crazy hours the next few weeks. That in itself would be enough, but my colleagues dad has passed away so now I've had to absorb her team and deadlines as well making me a one woman deadline machine among one of the busiest months the contracted year.
I have a cold, I'm stressed, my bones have started aching, my back has a trapped nerve, my chest an infection, my white blood cell count is at crazy low levels, and it is currently Ser3ndipity and thrombocytopeia at war time. I need to get it all under control before my body really starts to kick back and I end up in hospital.
I reached out to Miles today... He and I haven't really been on the right foot despite Valentines day and his decision to give it a go. There's no sign of how we used to be, a crazy lack of anything remotely romantic from his end, and amid it all I'm left wondering what the hell. Why say one thing (a thing that was a pretty big decision and one I don't think he made lightly), while doing nothing to segment it. Words without actions. He called me at 3am last night, I missed the call. I worried all day as I rang him at 5, then 8 and heard nothing back from my messages until lunchtime when I rang again and he said he had just woken. I thought something had happened and I hadn't been there for him. I was imagining the worst. It turns out it was a pocket dial and he was sleeping...
I still reached out. I had been driving home from my second 13hr day, had called mum and had realised where she was, had called my brother and had realised he was exhausted and not in a position to take on any of the responsibility, and I was just exhausted. I called and before he could answer I was in tears. Sat in my car with hot salty tears streaming down my face. He listened, he told me I should eat... I left the call after about 15mins and have heard nothing since (it has only been an hour). He didn't tell me he would call to check in later. He asked me if I was going to call him back... I really just wanted him to say he would call me in a while. Message me in a while... I wanted him to reach out.
Miles isn't the reason everything has got a little much this last few weeks, but I really REALLY wanted to feel him helping to make me stronger. Anytime he has struggled I've been right there, texting or calling him to just 'be' there. I've told him it will be ok, that he isn't facing it together, and when we were an item... that I love him and we can do anything together. I don't know why... but he hasn't done the same. He is my calm, he makes me giggle, but why is this missing? Nothing, NOTHING has changed since Valentines. No kisses after messages, no 'babygir', no 'baby', no 'beautiful' (apart from the day itself). He hasn't rung me just to talk, we haven't hung out chatting about nonsense or doing quizzes, getting to know each other again. No couple app, no loving touches. It is like he said something and then shut down. I don't need shut down right now, I need honesty. I need him to tell me that he has got me, that we are a team. I need the emotional bit. The affection. I need all the parts that made me fall for him, all the parts that were starting to glimmer. Where did they go, and why today of all days is he not reaching out to me??
I'll look after myself, will try to sleep and will try to come up with a plan for mum, work, my health this weekend. I'll juggle it all and will get it back on track. I'm sure it will mean 101 tears and every single piece of energy left, but I'll hopefully be able to turn it around and be there for everyone in the way they need me.
As for Miles... I guess the next few days or so will tell. I know how I feel about him, I think I have shown that, and I'm willing to ride out any storm the world wants to throw at us, but I need to believe he wants to do the same; and right now, I don't see that at all. I feel like the odds are uneven and while I'm ok with everything we have spoken about (again I'll have to come back and blog that), when things happen like today, people who love you, people who are in a relationship with you... They drop everything they are dealing with, focus their efforts and reach out in any way they can. I can't rationalise it any other way. All I wanted was a text. A sign he was with me. A something to show we were a team. A kiss, a 'x' on ANY message, but nothing. Even the message he sent me the other day after I said I thought his lack of kisses etc. was odd... He sent me a heap of love emojis (which genuinely made me smile) but nothing changed after. Now it seems less like it was funny and more like it was him making a joke of it?? I know he wasn't, I know him better than that but it still stings. This isn't medication. This isn't a lack of sexual drive. This isn't a lack of distance. This is showing someone you care. There are so many little ways to show someone you care... A message telling them you're there, a picture from the web, a thumbkiss, a public display, a not so public (telling someone we both know... his mum even), a post card, a letter, a card, a gift, one message saying 'I'm really glad we are going to give it a shot'. ANYTHING it doesn't have to be world changing, it wasn't before... but even the little things... There's nothing making us different. Nothing defining us as a couple.
Nothing makes sense. I don't want the world right now, right away. I just want... soemething.
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