I feel... Actually, I'm not sure.
Miles and I hung out (virtually) again last night and amid our normal meandering conversation he unexpectedly opened up again. I would love to write out the ins and the outs, but much of what he said was very personal to him, and as this is my blog, not inappropriate for me to share with the world. It has however left me feeling like things will come to a head, one way or another, quite shortly.
Some of the things he said were really unexpected, that he thinks of me all the time, that he would spend 24/7 with me if he could, that he had made a list of a few things he knows would make me smile but hadn't know whether to click the buy button as was unsure if a Valentines gift was the right thing to do. He also said not wanting me to date other people would be a selfish thing... I wanted to scream 'of course it is, I cant think of anything worse than you dating someone else and I would happily be selfish in that respect for the rest of my life'.
I wish I could peel back the layers and take a peek inside his mind. Many of the things he says (about how he feels) are exactly how I feel about him, and many of his concerns are things I would happily work through with him. The thing is bloggers, there's one part that unfortunately is all him... and only he can work out where that lies. 'Does Miles find me attractive?' It is as simple as that. I'm not sure he see's it that way, but strip back all the other uncertainties, risks and confusion, and it pretty much boils down to that. Location, medication, money, travel... all these things are irrelevant if you find the one person that makes you smile on your darkest day. Miles seems to have some uncertainty that a best friend might be able to do the same. He isn't wrong in some respects, but unless he has fluffed up where everything else is at, I sure as hell can't think of one friend (however close) that I think of and write lists for, and want to spend all of my time with, however great they are.
The conversation lasted much longer than those previously, and so while trying to give him enough silence and space to speak, I tried to be as open and honest as I could in return. His honesty deserved that, and so I tried to be candid. I didn't however tell him that I love him. I didn't want to place that kind of pressure on the situation when I feel he is trying to move things from our current sticking point.
I wish I could tell him to just take a risk, to trust me when I said the only thing he needed to be certain of was an attraction to me, because I was certain enough on all the other things for the both of us. I wish I could have told him the only thing I want to say. I love him.
Every single inch of me hopes he takes a leap. It would be seriously Serendipitous if the 13th came to play again...
Tom Petty - Free Fallin'
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