I'd Choose You

I'm a little tipsy...

Things are changing.

I took a seconded promotion at work today.  It was positioned with me a couple of days ago, and despite a lack of cash, everything else was in place and so I've decided to take the leap and embrace 3 months of a new challenge to either find a place to ship up to, or ship out to.  As soon as I made the decision and informed my current boss that I would be moving on for a while (She wasn't involved in the process, rather I was requested for by one of her superiors), I felt an instant feeling of relief.  Miles was of course the first person I text, he was also the person I called when I got home and felt a little wound up by 101 questions from the other people in my life that care raising their 'long hours, no pay increase, crazy work pattern' concerns.  I get it, they care, but seriously; you don't get ahead in this world by sitting still, and I'm determined to make sure I'm never in the same position I was a couple of years ago again.  Miles of course calmed me in minutes.  His voice is enough to make me take a deep breath and slow down.  He is my calm.

I wish I knew where we were, if there was a 'we' at all.

"I didn't fall in love with you.  I walked into love with you,  with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.  I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway.  And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes,  in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality.  I'd find you and I'd choose you." - Kiersten White 

The last week he has been a little different, a little flirtatious (not enough for me to feel like we have taken a leap in the direction I hope, enough for me to notice all the same).  It has been really... sweet. He has his kids this weekend so I hadn't expected to hear from him but last night he called and I spoke with him and one of his little ones for a little while; it definitely made me smile.  It also made me think; we must have some kind of fixture in each others lives if he is open and trusting enough to allow that doorway of communication.  I wasn't 'daddies friend', I was 'Ser3ndipity'.

Valentines is 2 days away, the 13th is 1...

BMW has sent me a message making his hoped intentions incredibly clear a couple of days ago "Look I think you are hot, and you stimulate my mind too... I think I might have a fight on my hand in some respects given there is something/not something going on with the (Miles) man you are still mulling over by the looks of your body language and everything you have said.  When I've asked you about him you move your head as you speak, look up and to your left as you recall memories or thoughts and you smile... not that I'm reading you.  I do however like a challenge, I'm just not sure if I am stepping on toes."  I had forgotten BMW was an NLP practitioner until this point.  He's right.  I do smile when I think of Miles, he is always on my mind.  The thing is bloggers, here's a guy, admittedly a guy who doesn't light me up inside when I think of him, but a handsome and intelligent guy with great prospects telling me as plainly as possible that he is interested, and all I need to do is give him the nod and he would love to take me out.  

Am I completely insane for not having moved on from Miles when five months on he's not as Evanessance says 'made a claim' for me?  This situation isn't new.  I've been in this place many times, and every time I make the same choice... I pick the same.  The guy on my wrist. One of the dots (Clutz, Mr X, Miles)... That guy will always win.  I fall rarely, and I fall hard.  Anyone else is collateral damage.

Uncertain and as rocky as the path, Miles will win every single time.  I can't walk away.  I have to give him one last chance to reach out, to tell me I'm what he wants, that he can't think of a world where I'm not right there by his side, that I'm beautiful inside and out, that uncertainty (of that kind) is completely irrelevant now, that he wants us to be together,  make a go of things, see where it takes us, that it doesn't matter if the whole world knows, because I am for him, and all the other stuff we can face everything else together.

2 days

If in 2 days nothing has moved, I need to find a way to walk away.  I need to leave him to the space he has found and is happy in without me.  Just friends. 

As hard as it would be, as impossible as it would be, I know I am right to set a time and if it hasn't happened to walk away.  I set the time a while back, now I just need to make sure I sand by my conviction.  I know he has challenges and things aren't that simple, maybe he struggles to find the words, maybe his head doesn't paint things clear, but it isn't his head he should be listening to, it's his heart, and for that all you need to do is shut your eyes and just be.  

I sent him a valentine.  If we part ways on a 'mate date' then I can look back and regardless of the pain in my heart will know that despite it all, despite everything, I was a girl who stood in front of a boy telling him that I loved him, that I didn't shy away from it even though my heart had been broken before.  That I was brave enough to open myself up to adventure, and risked it all by telling him how I felt.  There was nothing else left.  I will have said it all.

...

He sent me some virtual valentine cards tonight.  I couldn't tell what he meant by them. I could hope, but I need more.  I can't risk it all for something that could be misunderstood or misinterpreted.  I hadn't realised at the time, but I've done that before, and I can't make the same mistake again.  I've stood on the edge holding out my heart for a long time.  If he feels the same, he needs to be bold, he needs to trust me with his heart, hold it out, the same way, and actually find the words.  I can't let anything less be enough.

Tomorrow is the 13th.  Our day.  It is also the last day anything could arrive in the post.  With the exception of flower delivery time is almost out.

Every inch of me is hoping for something...

If nothing happens it is going to take everything I have to walk away while reaching out as a friend.  I will never walk away from him.

Colbie Callat - Realize

Click for soundtrack