Winning

Out of nowhere last night I told him.  It was right before bed and the timing couldn't have been worse, but having spent the last few days wondering about timing and opportunity and having all open questions about what's going on in life with deflection,  the words just spilled from my tongue.

There were tears (mine not his),  and there was huge miscommunication.  He said he would do it declaring I had 'won',  I explained winning had nothing to do with it and told him I wanted him to understand why it was important and reasonable.  He just kept referring to it as winning.  I broke down and said I needed to go.  He said nothing and hung up.

After I had calmed down I rang back,  he picked up straight away.  We tried to talk it out again but as soon as he said I should just 'take the win' I was sobbing again.  Why would anyone see their other half hurting and think what they were asking was in any way shape or form a win.  Conversation from him also touched upon deleting and blocking her from Facebook having no real barrier as she had his number and various social medias.  I clarified I had asked him to delete and clock her in full not one specific platform.  Why was that not incredibly obvious?

We ended the conversation unsettled and with him telling me he would delete and block her as he didn't need to understand why if it was hurting me. This wasn't before everything twisted another few times in the process though.  Twists about when we were dating we could have been seeing multiple people... wtf?!

I didn't sleep well at all. My body has started to play up,  with no medication,  the stress from work,  the long hours I'm working at the moment with no day off,  getting the place ready for his visit and now this... my body broke yesterday.  I feel dreadful today.  I should really call in sick but I can't,  I need to try keep busy.  Taxi to work today,  maybe a drive by the chemist on the way.

I checked this morning... She is still on his Facebook.  I assume everything else is the same.  He got a text/notification at 7am.  Great.

If this is winning...

I want my loving,  logical,  considerate,  compassionate boyfriend back.  There's zero sign of a 'Daddy' at the moment,  when it really counts.

Better get my shaky on my feet ass up.  Heaps of makeup is the only way I'll pull off normal today