Lumps & Bumps

The last few weeks have been a blur which is why I have been lacking on the blog front but let me fill you in and then onwards with the banter moving forward!

I've pretty much done nothing in terms of productiveness as my head has been all over the place.  This last month or so my right breast has been a little sore.  I put it down to shoulder-related antics (as those of you who have been reading this blog a while will know, I went through a period of having a constantly dislocating shoulder).  Anyway, I couldn't feel any lumps but as it doesn't seem to be going away I decided to get the all ok from the GP a couple of weeks ago.  Unfortunately what I thought would be the GP telling me would boil down to 'growing pains' or 'regular aches', she told me that she could feel several lumps and due to my family history was going to send me for further tests.  A few fuzzy looking photos later and I'm now being pushed through the system on fast track for a biopsy, a genetic test and who knows what else.

To be honest I don't feel overly stressed or worried about the situation despite on pressing/pushing being told that I currently have 'worrying results' but I just can't seem to get my head in the game.  In just over a week I'm sure I will be given a pat on the back and told to 'just keep getting checked regularly' but grrrr can't focus!

Cilla has invited me to go and live with her in the land of the tax free which I am seriously contemplating and Clio and I are nailing this bridesmaid/hen weekend stuff.

Men wise I've clearly been off the radar however I've quite a few things coming up over the next few weeks which will see me catching up with a few faces... Red, Balloo, Herb, Clio, G-Star and Clerk... Yes Clerk.  Despite our best intentions we havan't seen each other in the last 6 months - we are officially useless lol.  

Flat wise I've extended my lease another month just to get over this hump but I'm deffo on the move.  

Tomorrow's blog... Time for a little kink I think 

"This is clean"

It is so hard to take life with two hands, why is it that despite our best intentions people always end up in a perpetual loop of boring apart from a lucky few.

I'll take an unemployed carpenter (you should get that if you follow the tunes I post) a cool riff and an adventure if you don't mind.  

Things people don't do enough of but should because lets face it... Life rocks much more when you do.

1.  Dancing

2.  Singing

3.  Paddling in the sea

4.  Wearing shorts in the sunshine

5.  Playing on a swing

6. Riding a bike bike/skateboard/surfing/skiing/rollerskating

7.  Playing music

8.  Water fight

9.  Team sports (basketball, football, rugby, roller derby, rounders)

10. Hopscotch

11. Changing your image

12. Dancing (yes... again)

13. Sex

Seriously, think about it... If you dedicated an hour of your life each day to one of the things on the list above.  Life would be sweeeeet!

Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket

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Rockin' A Rainbow

Well... To say my hair didn't turn out exactly to plan is somewhat of an understatement.  What should have been epic actually turned out to be... oh dear!

Colour B4 lied to me!! It said I could indeed dye my hair the desired colour after using it to strip out all the built up colour and darkness first.  I can safely say that colour B4 lied to me.  What should have been a really rich and intense red with pink undertones (here what I said there... pink!  I specifically picked the dye because most reds offer a red/orange and I wanted red/pink).  Ok so it is clear that I got pink in some form but we all know the plan wasn't for early 90s psychedelic tie-dye hair.  I most definitely was not going for flourescent pink at the front, rapidly followed by banana yellow, satsuma orange, and then some kind of dusky pink/ginger mix.

I was left with three options...

1.  Cry

2.  Cry and then panic dye my hair again which could either help or hinder the situation.

3.  Fuck it

As I was due to meet Red for our booked random event.  A screening of Topgun (I'd never seen before) in a central bar in the middle of town with a meal and a bottle of wine I went with option 3.

I took public transport.

I glared at anyone that looked at me the wrong way.

I met Red.

Red was shocked I hadn't cancelled.

I had macaroni cheese which make me feel better

We had the option of chardonnay or sauvingnon blanc with dinner - I was unimpressed.

I picked the sauvingnon blanc.

I absolutely ordered dessert.

My evening was equally brightened by a mini text conversation with Beeze before I told him I was heading to bed in order to keep myself from entering flirt territory.  Damn that man is fine.

To tell you the truth I think I might have to wait a week or so before dye will take in my hair.  I am also now contemplating going for the whole paramore orange thing.  There are only certain points in time when a girl can pull of that kind of style and well... The time may be now.  What do you think?

For some reason and perhaps because of rather than in spite of my hair... I'm feeling sexy!  Lush.

Ja Rule Ft. Case - Livin' It Up
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Impulse Shopping & Interesting Aquaintances

The last few days have been just what the doctor ordered.  

For a girl who grew up playing outdoors and always had a healthy glow to her skin, these last couple of years living in a place I'm sure could be in the running for rainiest city in Europe has seen me practically turn into a vampire.  I used to be the girl who went brown as a berry from just looking at the sun, these days however I need to suncream my ass up and consistently monitor for signs of reddening.  I love the sun.  I love the heat, the feeling it gives you and most of all, I like having a little colour to me.  It makes me feel/look alive.

I spent Friday hanging out with (Can't remember what nickname I gave here so I will need to insert later ??) and her kids in her garden.  We played mankala (I taught her as figured a little sunshine entertainment wouldn't go a miss), listened to music, drank squash, ate a chicken breast burger off the BBQ and topped the day off with a rocket ice-lolly.  Lovely!  

On the way home from (??) I popped into the supermarket and on spying some 'colour b4' I quickly picked my mobile out of my pocket and within a few minutes had purchased a radical new colour for my hair from amazon, the colour b4 was in my basket and just for good measure I nipped onto ebay and purchased 'clip in bangs' to be dyed and rocked to bring me an all over brand new summer sun hairstyle.  Watch this space, I'll post some pics.  It's a good job some of the things in life can't be bought with 3 clicks of a button.

Friday night I mooched on the sofa and then skyped a friend I met playing a game on my phone (yes, yes, a game on my phone!), lets call her Aurora.  Aurora and I have spoken maybe twice before along with a couple of the other people that potter about on the game.  It usually starts off with a 'lets chat about the other players' and then rapidly turns into what we now refer to as 'cocktail Friday'.  Despite the time differences for some of us, and the serious differences in lifestyle choices, there are perhaps 5 of us that gel over a wicked sense of humour and a likening for goofy chat and cocktails.  I am not one of these 'gamer' types, but I have to say, this last 9months or so have seen a little bit of banter and an hour or so of playing/chatting on this bog standard generic game on my phone put a smile on my face.  Aurora is usually the quiet one in the group, contributing a little and laughing a lot.  On Friday we spoke just the two of us for the first time and I haven't laughed so much in ages.  I have definitely found a kindred spirit.

Saturday saw me meet Red for a short 5 mile walk, a few hours in the park reading celeb magazines followed by dinner at her place.  Red isn't much of a cook and unfortunately presented me with food items I equally dislike (salmon - I wish I could like fish, but I just don't. Mashed potato - mashed food is for the physically impaired and those without teeth.  So long as I can chew, I am gonna chew.  Finally the dish was topped off with peas - the only vegetable I dislike) so it was a bit of a 'hold your nose and gulp' dinner for me, but the chat was great and the day a relaxing sunny one.  Red and I have a tennis court booked for next weekend and a film festival event lined up on Tuesday in a bid to get out more lol.

Saturday night I ended up speaking with Aurora again.  I can safely say that the girl has more stories than I do, and that is saying something!  I've told her that she should consider writing a blog.  Wonder if she will give it a bash?!

Today I've got nothing lined up which is a shame as the sun is definitely still shining so hopefully someone will give me a dial and I can whisk myself away somewhere suitably sunny.  

This coming week definitely counts for more of the following:  Sunshine, BBQs, ice lollies, banter with Aurox and quite possibly a meet up with Beeze.

Farewell - First One On The Blog

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YeeHahh

I can't lie... I almost lost my way.

Since my last posting the last phase of my life has officially ended and I'm firmly in 'anything could happen' land.  I've gone through a few stages along the way...

Numbness

Knowing I was leaving my job but not really 'feeling' it.  This lead to zero activity on the pro-active front and an all round grey mentality.

Logic

Due to a realisation that while numbness wasn't such a terrible place to be considering the tears, stress and mass panic surrounding my final few days in the workplace, I decided to tick a few boxes.  Handovers were completed, contracts signed off, things put in place, discounts allocated and CV updated.  I also made the decision that while I love my flat I need to be mobile as I don't necessarily want to stay in this city so the cats will soon relocate to mums (for the time being) and I will be letting my apartment go in favor of couch surfing and flat shares.  Storage organised.

Thoughtful

An exceptionally dangerous stage that can often lead to procrastination which as we all know is the enemy of anyone trying to make things happen.  This pretty much came about during my most recent bridesmaid duties trip.  Having officially left the office for the last time and having said my goodbyes while being met with a myriad of 'what are you gonna do's', my mind wandered a little and I have to say, my lazy kicked in.  Then I had to remind myself "This is not a holiday".

Panic

I don't know if it was the constant stream of 'what now' questions, the realisation that the sum of money I'm leaving with isn't enough for me to become some mad entrepreneur or eccentric, the lack of a planned day or just the look in peoples eyes when my response to the above is 'I'm not sure' that kicked it in but around 48hrs ago panic officially took hold.  I was in cold sweat, clammy palm territory.

Excited/Productive

Luckily yesterday what I hope will be the final phase (or at least my home for a little while) kicked in.  I have been waking early, hitting the net, networking, making calls, scanning for jobs and all round getting my house in order.  I can't say I have this plan nailed, but what I can say is that I'm confident if I attack the coming weeks with the same level of force I have this morning then I'm pretty certain I'll be in a shiny new job within a month.  *crosses fingers and toes

No-one prepares you for those moments in time when you are faced with a decision like whether or not to take voluntary redundancy.  I realise now that while I would never want to be in the predicament of having enforced redundancy thrown at me, to a certain extend it would be easier to deal with.  Having to make a choice to leave somewhere with a solid income in search of the unknown when you are single and know there is no-one else kicking about to pay the bills is a seriously daunting thought.  Come to think of it,  I only know of one other person in the same circumstance that decided to take the plunge and use the situation as an opportunity to look for something new.  

A history of being flighty is something I absolutely hold claim to, spontaneity is definitely in my blood and as for a need for change, absolutely.  The thing is, despite all of these characteristics I've never jumped with such uncertainty.   I mean, yes I've left a job without another lined up, but always at a time the job market was booming and never with any fear that I couldn't have something suitable lined up by the end of the week (6 days is the longest period of time I've been unemployed).  This time is way, way different.  The job market is terrible unless you want to work in IT, Recruitment or Engineering and let me just say (Disaster, Never again and Useless) to that. 

We are definitely in a time of change bloggers, no doubt about it.

Here's the rest

Bridesmaid dress bought and hanging up in my closet, Catchup with Baron, Herb and Clio went well and factored in some live music, plenty of booze, sunshine and a BBQ.  Balloo is currently in a phase of depression which I'm trying to help him through although I'm feeling a little peeved that he falls off the planet somewhat when he is ok again.  Beez and I are still in touch on/off via text and I'm sure we will catch up again in person soon.  No other men are on the scene and to be honest I really, genuinely don't have time for that at the moment. 

Is it possible that without realising I've somehow created my own mid-life crisis?

Robbie Williams - Old Before I Die
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Drama's & Spiders Webs

I met with my solicitor this morning, signed my compromise agreement and have had her post it to my company.  No turning back now.

It all feels a little bit like a whirlwind at the moment.  I've three cases on the go which I would ideally like to clear off rather than hand over.  I've handovers to complete preparation on for my entire team (none of which were accepted for DVR due to being highly skilled), and I've a solid few days of meetings booked next week to sign off everything else.  

Mum arrives tomorrow afternoon as she is going to be staying at my apartment and looking after my kitty cats while I head out of town for bridesmaid duties.  Then, as sad as it is, I shall be packing off the furry critters to go and live with her for a while as I've decided to let my apartment go, put some things into storage and free myself up for interview/job related travel while keeping any outgoings to a minimum for a while.

Bridesmaid wise this weekend will see us film our video with Baron for the hen weekend, have Herb finally pick our bridesmaid dresses, see Clio and I tie up a few loose ends in terms of the hen weekend away and will also see me tick a box on the Sunday as I have plans to meet OOJ for lunch before my flight home.  I've opened the invite to include his gf however I suspect he will fail to pass that piece of info on.

A few drama's have been on the table also.  Balloo is going through a period of depression and so I'm hoping to help pull him out of it along with a few of our other friends.  I've suggested we hit his dads on the coast sometime soon for sunshine and a BBQ so imagine that might help.  I've also this last two days failed a credit check for a new contract with the company I work for.  Don't get me wrong bloggers I'm not bathing in cash as you all know, however I struggle to see how/why I would be declined for anything. Needless to say having started to chase up the rationale I am now absolutely convinced that I need to keep remembering in life it isn't WHAT you know but WHO you know.  A couple of phone calls, a bit of schmoozing and it now all seems sorted (in under an hour I hasten to add), but COME ON!  Surely a girl shouldn't have to pull strings for something so simple.  Incidentally the time scale without these contacts in order for resolution (from experience) approximately 90 days.  Outrageous!  Good job this little chick knows a few people on the board ;)

With Both Feet

I could have sat down and written 101 lists.

I could have called everyone in my phone book and asked for advice.

I could have entered the world of the internet forum.

I could have spoken to my superiors.

I could have waited and waited and waited until someone decided for me.

I didn't.

I visited Cilla and her husband.

I ate takeout and talked nonsense.

I was asked the only question that matters... 'are you happy'

I released that was enough.

I got in my car.

I cranked up my radio.

I headed to the beach.

I felt the breeze in my hair and the sand on my toes.

I decided.

I will be officially unemployed in 16 days.

I am doing things on my terms.

It will work out.

Spin Doctors - Two Princes

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Job?

Alright bloggers so I'm sat here trying to work out what to do with my life in terms of redundancy and new jobs and then it struck me... I know that some of you reading this blog might be tapped in cookies and so here it is...

If you think you could hook me up with a job for the next few months allowing me to live a little over the summer and find my next opportunity then give me a shout.  Any location, Any salary (its short term right)?

Holler me! 

Fly - Sugar Ray

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Bad Girl Instincts

Hey bloggers!  I have been floored with a bug and away with work so have been rubbish at posting but lots of things are changing :)

Well I didn't get the job I went for, but I did get the offer of a pay off from my current workplace.  It is the equivalent of 5 months wages give/take so now all I need to decide whether I should do the 'sensible' thing and stay which in fact might not turn out to be so sensible in the long run OR to take the cash and run, embrace being able to buy a few things and grab a bit of life for a month before jumping back on the job hunt with proper GRRR.

I have just under a week to decide as if I am leaving I need to have my compromise agreement signed off by a solicitor and back to them in this time frame.  Love that I have a decision.  Many people haven't had that luxury and so I'm going to embrace the fact I do and whatever I decide take the whole thing head on.

In other news I met with Mr X sister, mum and family yesterday as they are in the UK visiting and renewing passports.  It was great to see Cilla (his sister) as we talk a heap anyway but surprisingly seeing his mum was completely painless.  I was really worried that it was going to be upsetting or awkward but the whole thing was actually really nice.  I have finally closed that chapter in my book.  I did seem however, to be a bit of an outlet for their thoughts on his recent speedy engagement which it seems everyone hardheartedly disapproves of. Ironically I found myself sounding like the level headed one in the room giving it 'He must really like her... I am sure it will be fine... I know it is soon but maybe it is right'.  Oh the irony considering since he asked his sister to tell me, he has firmly ensured he is off the grid. 

I'm otherwise distracted when it comes to all things men at the moment anyway.  In taking some space and ending things with Cherry, In an unlikely move I seem to have stumbled upon an old face.  It has been as back and forth as Wimbledon the few days in terms of us talking.  It has been a lot of fun but definitely unexpected.  It absolutely has the potential to be complicated.  It is currently open to interpretation but is however right now completely innocent.  It has seen my face sporting a cheeky smile the last few days.

The guy (lets call him Beez) is someone I have been very aware of as 'hot' since we first met when I took a job at a bar years ago.  The job didn't last long as it was just a 'filler' as I'd jumped back into the City following a year or so of 'Mary Poppins' type adventures.  Due to common friends and similar taste in music however, from that moment on he has always been a familiar face in the crowd.  Beez and I have never been more than acquaintances that on occasion due to the setting/timing have had a rapid but short lived burst of contact and a few giggles.  I feel that might just have tilted that somewhat this last week.

Ok so here is the lowdown...  Beez is the same age as me, comes from a wealthy family but was absolutely brought up with a 'you need to work for it' attitude.  We first met when I was around 23?  and the minute I saw him I was like Phwoar and remember texting Balloo who came down to the bar shortly after to see 'what all the fuss was about'.  Beez was most definitely the kind of punky, grungy, funky looking guy I always had on the radar (particularly back then) but for some reason the type of guy I equally have never ended up dating.  Beez day to day look at that time was 3/4 black shorts, kicks and a fitted t-shirt.  Few tatttoo's, funked up hair and a pierced lip.  These days he absolutely still rocks the look but with a few changes.  The piercing is gone, the tattoo's have multiplied and as for his dress sense... You have to see it to understand that it absolutely works but needless to say he ticks every single box.  Oh and did I mention he is 6ft 4, intelligent, is a drummer and a guitarist, owns his own business - an up and coming and yet already successful recording studio that has recorded #1 albums for a couple of bands, he is also as much of a mixed bag as I am in terms of background and interests.  Did I mention... Yum!

So after a few days of chatting (and yes a little flirting) while I've been laid up in bed with the bug from hell,  Beez asked me to a gig last night to which he had VIP passes - a perk of the job which sees him attending  most gigs/festivals/events of interest with one of those all coveted back stage passes.  I absolutely wanted to go, but in reality wasn't really up to it.  Beez however didn't skip a beat.  He wasn't intrusive or pushy in the slightest but assured me that I absolutely couldn't look as bad as I felt I did and that he was more than willing to patch the gig if I felt up to hanging out... before I knew it he had hopped a train to my city and was walking to my flat.  I headed out to meet him and to pick up a few mixers and well... He was rocking the blast from the past look and walking towards me with a huge smile on his face as I was trying to regain the use of speech.  We spent the next seven hours listening to music, chatting, laughing, eating pizza, drinking gin, flirting a little and I guess getting to actually know each other.  It was relaxed and when he left to catch the last train home I absolutely knew that this is someone I need to have in my life.  The context is somewhat more complicated.

Here is the bad girl bit...

Beez has a girlfriend.  She lives with him in the flat he owns.  They have been going out a few years now.  He isn't a smoke and mirrors person and we haven't crossed any lines.  For all intents and purposes last night we were two people hanging out talking about life, work, music and yes a little about love/sex.  He has made no secret of the fact he cares for her greatly but they are most definitely at a juxture at the moment where their lives seem to be drifting in different directions.  His plan is for them to talk and decide the 'what next' part.  I do get the feeling that they are both going to make the decision to hug it out and move on while staying really great friends but I guess watch this space.  Don't get me wrong this isn't an EITHER/OR scenario.  There was no conversation about an 'us' and nor would I have wanted there to be one.  The night absolutely wasn't in that context, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't taken particular interest in some of our conversation (and noticed him doing something similar).  No, it was just a really great night, in really great company and regardless of what happens from here on in, all I am sure of is that I would happily spend an evening in his company in any context.  I'm not thinking way down the line as sometimes you just need to live in the moment and see where it takes you but I just have a feeling.  Not necessarily a 'happily ever after bf/gf' one, maybe just a 'Actually this someone kinda gets me and I should spend time around them' thing.  Either way, I'm going to make sure this time he and I hang out more often.  I definitely need a Beez in my life.

Laura Izibor - If Tonight Is My Last
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Seriously?!!?

Things are completely crazy busy at the moment and I'm going to be away until Friday this week with work but there are some definite updates so here you go:

Mr X

I pinged him the other day just as a 'hi there hello' on whattsapp.  I only got 1 tick and couldn't see when he was last online but didn't read too much into it, however when I didn't get a reply I logged in to give him a nudge and then I realised... I have been blocked.

Those of you who have been following the blog for a few years now will know that when things go quiet it usually means Mr X is having a girl drama.  Anyway this morning his sister spoke to me and said that Mr X had asked her to speak to me as he 'didn't know how to say it'.  He got engaged to his girlfriend of 4 months yesterday.

• Disappointed that he didn't tell me himself - yes
• Annoyed that he put his sister in that position asking her to tell me - yes
• Confident that I can still read him like a book - definitely
• Upset - somewhat
• Reaction - Pah

Work

• Voluntary redundancies announced this Thursday
• TUPE accreditation training for me tomorrow
• Conference on Wednesday and I've to speak re an emergency proposition
• Interview last week for a job I quite fancy - I think the interview went well as it played to my strengths in the form of a 40min presentation

The Rest

• Bleugh

Sometimes...

Work

Things are still crazy!  Do I take the pay off and hope to find something else knowing that I had planned to leave anyway although in the knowledge that I've been looking for months and have yet to find anything, or do I stay and hope that this is a fortunate twist of fate.  In terms of a golden handshake goodbye it would be a great one if I had something lined up.

On a positive note I was called yesterday about a job I applied for a month ago.  I have an interview lined up this coming week.  It isn't an ideal job but the salary is good, the role is permanent, the job is one with a zazzy title and if I could line my ducks up fast enough I could step into it and still take the pay off from my current company.

Money

I still have none.  Bills, bridesmaid duties and 101 other things are all creeping up so in short I need a miracle.  If something doesn't give soon I'm going to have to move out of my current apartment into something much smaller and more than likely out of town.

Love

Considering I put myself back online I've really not put any effort into it and so should I be surprised I've yet to be swept off my feet?  Probably not.  I'm sure there is someone out there for me.  Perhaps he will come and sweep me off my feet when I'm in the right place :)

Sometimes you need someone to pick you up and dust you off

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Sometimes you need someone to give you a hug

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Sometimes you need space to find yourself again

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Sometimes... sometimes all you need is a bubble bath and a shot of bourbon. Cheers!

Adrianne - 10000 Stones

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The Rules

Some might argue that having a set of 'rules' for dating would constitute as 'playing games' but as every savvy 21st century girl knows... A girl has to be in control at all times.  So for your blog reading pleasure, let me break mine down for you.

The Ser3ndipity guide to Online Dating

DON'T

Share too much information before you actually meet (you might not be talking to who you think you are and really?!?  Keep a little mystery)

DO

Cover the basics and keep your answers a little vague.  This means you will have a few decent kick off points for conversation should you meet.

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DON'T

Swap email addresses.  Why would you need to swap email addresses when you are already communicating via a site - do you really want to let a guy you aren't serious about gain access to your personal info in the form of 192 people, Facebook, Myspace.  Errr no!

DO

Ignore the request and move on.  Most guys seem to drop the suggestion at this point and if they don't I would be questioning why it is so important to them

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DON'T

Switch mobile numbers.  Ok so there might be a requirement to do this depending on the circumstance but do you really want to hand this over when the first stages of dating can really be a numbers game.  

DO

If you really want to swap digits before meeting or early on... get KIK.  All you need is a username and it is Eh Voila instant communication.

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DON'T

Tell the person specifics about where you live or work.  

DO

Answer the question but keep it vague enough that there is no chance of this guy/girl foursquaring your ass.  Opt for:  In the city centre, Westend, Eastend, just outside of town.  

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DON'T

Date in your local bar or favorite haunts.  I know this feels 'safer' but say it doesn't go well or you have a few dates and decide to pull the plug.  Do you really want this guy to know where you will/won't be hanging out most weekends?  Also... Do you want the staff thinking you are a 'Playa'.

DO

Pick somewhere in an area you are comfortable with that has good transport links and is somewhat well populated.  And I can't run this one home enough... Tell someone where you are, who you are meeting and be sure to check in.

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DON'T

Put 5year old or heavily photoshopped pics up.  If you air brush yourself too much are you ever going to feel comfortable meeting?  Nobody wants to the girl who 'looks hotter in a photo'

DO

Pick a happy smiley and recent photo of you doing something you love.  Embrace the flattering angle but remember to smile (trout pout might seem good at the time but in reality you just look like a duck).

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DON'T

Post topless, sexy photos of yourself and then explain in your blurb that you aren't looking for one night stands and hook ups.  

DO

Let the photos do the talking and keep your clothes on!

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DON'T

Plan something crazy and wild for a first date.  Within the first few minutes of meeting each other you might both realise he/she isn't for you and I can't think of anything worse than having to endure that for a whole meal/paintball game.

DO

Go simple.  Pick somewhere quiet enough to talk but with enough visual distractions to keep the conversation flowing should you both have an attack of nerves.

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DON'T

Play the waiting game OR Text reply like you superglued your mobile to your face.

DO

If you had a nice time let him/her know AND take a few minutes to think about what you want to say before replying.  I

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DON'T

Be overly available.  Eager beaver can seem like a good idea at the time but remember you are a girl/guy with a life and you aren't at his/her beckon call.  

DO

Tell him/her if you already have plans (start as you mean to go on, friends first... if he/she has asked you out again you can be pretty certain they will be happy to wait till your calendars are both free). 

Sash - Mysterious Times

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Find Me

So I've decided to put myself back online in the hopes that with a little fun along the way I'll eventually meet someone who will knock me off my feet.  The thing is, writing a profile is a complete nightmare!  There's a huge white box and you are supposed to fill it with witty things that make you sound sexy and fun and desirable yet humble and modest... It is impossible!

So I open the challenge to any blogger who has been following this blog (and the previous two perhaps) to comment below any suggestions that I should put in my profile... I mean you people probably know the inner workings of my mind better than anyone.

Wouldn't it be great if you could just blurb it out without worrying how it might come across or sound.

Hey, 

I'm glad you stumbled upon my profile because I have been waiting for someone like you in my life for a little while.  It isn't often that I meet someone that can hold my attention in all the right ways and yet you seem to tick all the boxes.  I love it when you open the door, pull out my chair, take the road side when we are walking down the street and ensure your language is never foul in my company.   

Since we met I've had the widest smile on my face and every time you walk into the room I get nervous and have butterflies.  I love that we can talk for hours about something and nothing and that I can sit snuggled in your arms without saying a word without any awkwardness.  I learn something new about you each time I think I might be starting to work you out and that you are full of surprises and spontaneity.  I love that you spoil me and yet it is the little romantic things that you do that make me realise how easily I could fall for you. 

When we kiss I forget everything and everyone around me and when I look up and into your eyes I know I have somehow found home.  You make me feel safe and bring out the best in me. 

Now all I have to do is find you...

Back in the real world... I am struggling to even think of a username.  Seriously... Comment!

Ed Sheeran - Fall

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I've Got This

To say things have been tipped on their head this week is an understatement.  Things ended with Cherry, the company I work for officially announced a plan to route work elsewhere and redundancy is firmly on the table (I've known for some time due to my role however the other 3000 not in the loop exploded in a floods of tears and anger).  It is safe to say this week was set up to be emotional rollercoaster.  I've been too busy to notice.

For all intents and purposes I am mid-way through going down the plug hole and yet somehow I feel... Alive?

Ok so my working life has gone from bad to worse, the first relationship I've invested myself in for a long time fell flat on its knees, financially I am in a black hole but you know what...  I've got it.

You can only take life one day at a time and I can only do as much as I can do.  So what if I need to apply for 1001 jobs before someone bothers to actually LOOK at my CV.  Who cares that the last relationship I had fell flat on its face.  As for money... I've never really had any so if I need to tighten the purse strings a little more then what the hell... It's not like I'm incapable of doing it, I was brought up on a shoestring.

This might just be the complete and total disaster that my life needed.

I've absolutely no idea where to go from here and yet I somehow on this occasion think that is ok.  Everything is going to be ok.

I'm not a Princess. I don't need saving.  I'm the Queen.  I've got this shit handled.

Cary Brothers - Belong

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Juxtaposition

As of 8:58pm this evening I'm officially single again.

I'm pretty numb about it all.  There is some serious irony to be found in that choice of wording.

In the end it was a particularly short exchange via text message (the Cherry comfort zone), and something that formed out of mutual understanding.  I need things he was unable to give and he needs to sort out his space before anyone will be able to step into that part of his life.  

If all realisations were reached this quickly... 

I shed a single tear (equally I appreciate the weirdness here),  Both eyes filled but only one trickled down my cheek, fat, hot and salty.

I know it was the right thing... I know it was better sooner than later... I know I'm meant for better things... I deserve better things...  When?

James Vincent Morrow - We Don't Eat

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Lines & Grooves

When I was young I had a friend called (ummm Willow) we went through a phase of spending most weekends together doing early-teenager things; hair, makeup, talking about boys.  One day, we were painting each others nails I think and I remember looking at Willow's hands and realising they were just like an old persons underneath - a myriad of lines and grooves and indents.

I remember commenting on it and Willow's great aunt telling us when we are put on this planet we are sent to learn a host of important lessons before we leave our bodies and move on to the next world. Sounds like the response you've heard a hundred times before right?  Wrong.  She then went on to tell us that because most people make mistakes along the way and miss some of the most important lessons, we often die because our bodies have become old before we have reached the end of our journey and so our souls are sent back to continue from the start - as a child.  She said the lines on a persons hand show how many lessons they have learnt and the depth of the groove how long they have been on the journey.

As you know I'm not really into religion, but I really like the theory.  It is simple, makes sense and I guess in a round about way would somehow rationalise why some people leave this world so young.  I mean, if you have ticked off all your lessons to go to the 'next stage' then why stick around.

I feel I'm at a point in my life where I keep going round and round the same lesson but for some reason keep missing the point.

Over the last few days I've had an insight into Cherry's head and I think I've somehow ended up with another guy with a broken wing.  Cherry has had a lot to contend with the last few years, his dad works away from home a lot, his mum has had a battle with cancer and he has had a few challenges of his own on the career front (the same as many people).  The thing is, Cherry said a phrase to me the other day that sent alarm bells going in my head at like 100-1 and I really don't know what to do about it.  

The phrase... 'I'm just a bit numb with everything at the moment'  The panic... It is a phrase I recognise really well as one that marked everything that signposted things with me and Mr X were never going to be right.  

I've spent a lot of time these last few years 'fixing people' and the last few months really trying to break the habit of a lifetime... What should I do with this information?  

I spend enough time keeping my own life on track and my head in the right space, I really don't have the energy to help someone else to get to the same place, or the stability to risk having someone knock it all down like a house of cards.  I'm essentially a girl who paints on an external face and covers cracks  on the inside.  The last three people to comment on my personality unprompted have used the words 'upbeat, smiley, positive, active, spontaneous'... I remember because it made me smile and simultaneously cringe.  I clearly do a great job with my hall of mirrors and no-one sees me as a bird with a broken wing.  The thing is... That also kinda means no-one will ever fix me.  Although there are worse things in this world than having to face it head on and solo.  I'm thinking perhaps one of those things might be pulling a sidekick along with you.  There are plenty of journeys in life that should be shared, but I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed one of them.  Cherry needs to walk his road alone and I need to get the hell outta there.

When I look at my hands there are definitely a few lines and grooves a little  different and deeper than perhaps those on someone elses, and I'm pretty sure some of them are meant to involve someone else... You can't fall in love and have your heart broken by yourself, but I think if you are going to step into someone else's 'hand space', it needs to be someone special, and someone you love because if you aren't careful, you could get dragged down a crevice, and that isn't a risk you should take for just anyone.

This all feels somehow so familiar, and yet I feel there is some underlying message I should be but am not picking up on.  Either way, I can think of nothing more I would rather do right now than pack up, jump on a bus and keep going.

Gareth Dunlop - Wrap Your Arms Around Me

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Does Size Matter?

Does size matter..?

It is a question that has multiple meanings.  For women it is all about body size and shape and for men, well its more of a length/girth thing.  Either way the answer is always the same.  Yes.

I was picking up a prescription yesterday afternoon and overheard a conversation between two guys in their mid 20s.  They had been at a party a few nights before and some dude they know had decided to go all 1999 on their ass, pull out his cock and do a victory lap around the living room.  It appears the guy in question was hung like a donkey and as such the guys were having the 'have you measured yours' conversation.  To be honest this was a bit of a revelation to me as I had assumed that all men would have grabbed a tape measure or a ruler at some point (I mean I would if I was a bloke) but the words that came out of one of the guys lips next had me chuckling to myself most of last night.

"I have never taken a tape measure to my penis but have weighed it up against household objects... So no, I don't know the size of my penis, but what I do know is that it reaches the mute button on the remote control"

Utter genius!

As I've mentioned I think size absolutely matters, but that as with everything in life, all is relative.  A small penis in a tight vagina - it could be a perfect match?  I think for some girls, girth is more important (perhaps the slightly larger among us), and for others length takes on a more prominent feature.   Being a 21st century girl I've seen my fair share of penises on a personal level, however having trained as a nurse years ago that figure is through the roof and let me tell you... There is a whole world of variation out there.  Short, long, thin, fat, bent, bulbous, veiny, freckled, circumcised, pierced etc.  I have to say though, overall for me, it is the aesthetic element that seems to take highest priority.  

Girth isn't such a huge factor.  I've been doing pelvic floor muscles since I learnt their potential future value (not all sexual I hasten to add) watching euro trash when I was 14 or 15 so I have no worries in my 'size' department.  Circumcision again isn't so much of an issue as I've 'made friends' with both types and while a girl needs a differing set of skills for each... I really don't have a preference.  Length wise, I'm sure there is such a thing as too short but then again there is such a thing as too long (I might tell you about my experience with both in tomorrow's blog), but if you really care for a guy these can work given a few tweaks in the sexual position department.  For me, what really matters for me however is the rest.  I'm not a fan of kinks, bends, or mushroom type penis', large or saggy testicles, and if it isn't sticking to your stomach when it's hard (and yes this means when you are standing up... laying down and answering that question is cheating)... You aren't the guy for me.  Equally if you don't preen your boys bits, expect me to award you a 'must try harder' (excuse the pun) - If I am tending to my lady garden to make any experiences pleasurable for you, I most definitely expect the same in return. Then again, at least that is something that can easily be altered dependent on personal preference.  

So to summarise... Does size matter?  Yes, but not half as much as style ;P

Daft Punk - Get Lucky
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