When I was young I had a friend called (ummm Willow) we went through a phase of spending most weekends together doing early-teenager things; hair, makeup, talking about boys. One day, we were painting each others nails I think and I remember looking at Willow's hands and realising they were just like an old persons underneath - a myriad of lines and grooves and indents.
I remember commenting on it and Willow's great aunt telling us when we are put on this planet we are sent to learn a host of important lessons before we leave our bodies and move on to the next world. Sounds like the response you've heard a hundred times before right? Wrong. She then went on to tell us that because most people make mistakes along the way and miss some of the most important lessons, we often die because our bodies have become old before we have reached the end of our journey and so our souls are sent back to continue from the start - as a child. She said the lines on a persons hand show how many lessons they have learnt and the depth of the groove how long they have been on the journey.
As you know I'm not really into religion, but I really like the theory. It is simple, makes sense and I guess in a round about way would somehow rationalise why some people leave this world so young. I mean, if you have ticked off all your lessons to go to the 'next stage' then why stick around.
I feel I'm at a point in my life where I keep going round and round the same lesson but for some reason keep missing the point.Over the last few days I've had an insight into Cherry's head and I think I've somehow ended up with another guy with a broken wing. Cherry has had a lot to contend with the last few years, his dad works away from home a lot, his mum has had a battle with cancer and he has had a few challenges of his own on the career front (the same as many people). The thing is, Cherry said a phrase to me the other day that sent alarm bells going in my head at like 100-1 and I really don't know what to do about it.
The phrase... 'I'm just a bit numb with everything at the moment' The panic... It is a phrase I recognise really well as one that marked everything that signposted things with me and Mr X were never going to be right.
I've spent a lot of time these last few years 'fixing people' and the last few months really trying to break the habit of a lifetime... What should I do with this information?
I spend enough time keeping my own life on track and my head in the right space, I really don't have the energy to help someone else to get to the same place, or the stability to risk having someone knock it all down like a house of cards. I'm essentially a girl who paints on an external face and covers cracks on the inside. The last three people to comment on my personality unprompted have used the words 'upbeat, smiley, positive, active, spontaneous'... I remember because it made me smile and simultaneously cringe. I clearly do a great job with my hall of mirrors and no-one sees me as a bird with a broken wing. The thing is... That also kinda means no-one will ever fix me. Although there are worse things in this world than having to face it head on and solo. I'm thinking perhaps one of those things might be pulling a sidekick along with you. There are plenty of journeys in life that should be shared, but I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed one of them. Cherry needs to walk his road alone and I need to get the hell outta there.When I look at my hands there are definitely a few lines and grooves a little different and deeper than perhaps those on someone elses, and I'm pretty sure some of them are meant to involve someone else... You can't fall in love and have your heart broken by yourself, but I think if you are going to step into someone else's 'hand space', it needs to be someone special, and someone you love because if you aren't careful, you could get dragged down a crevice, and that isn't a risk you should take for just anyone.
This all feels somehow so familiar, and yet I feel there is some underlying message I should be but am not picking up on. Either way, I can think of nothing more I would rather do right now than pack up, jump on a bus and keep going.
Gareth Dunlop - Wrap Your Arms Around Me
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