Goodbye & Thanks for reading x

I'm not an advocate of drinking to forget or relax but sometimes, just sometimes it is somewhat brilliant.  

I got up, worked a while, did the shopping for the week and then the wine from last night just lured me in.  I'm drunk.  I could zazzle it or add some fanciness but there is the truth.  I don't have a drink problem before people start to think otherwise.  I actually have a good realationship with alcohol, but sometimes it pays to play deviant.  It liberates and opens a door to utter honesty.  So utter honesty is right where I am so let me fill you in:

• I've been blogging since October but haven't published a thing... The reason being bloggers is I think Miles is reading the blog.  My outlet is fucked.  I need you, I need this, and I've no way of knowing if I'm saying things he is reading
• Miles ex has become a mental case.  His kids want to like me but can't... I will always be the evil step wannabe.  I can't win.  I broke my bank account for Christmas and didn't get so much as a hug when they went into their house.  There were other things at stake so Miles wasn't on top form but it left me feeling really empty.  Miles mum played advocate on the day we had them and got me the hug I pretended I wasn't that bothered about but the refusal of which cut me deeper than I would have imagined.',  I still remember how the room looked when Miles came into the room delcaring 'XXX doesn't want to give you a hug'  his eldest daughter declaring how awkward my reaction had been... I was devastated.  The only thing stopping me from crying was the impact it might have had on XXX, the kid who had no idea the impact of his actions.  I Really appreciated Miles mum that day,  she had my back.  There's something about her and despite the fact Miles and her don't always see eye to eye I really do love her.
• Miles and I have had a difficult time the last little while.  I can't lie when I say I've questioned if I should just walk away - would I be better for him if I was just a friend?  Am I breaking myself when we have a disagreement relating to my 'unreasonableness' which in reality breaks a piece of the core of me each and every time. Things have been really good the last couple of weeks and I was starting to feel good again but last night flared things up and again I was left feeling like I come second.  If Miles is anxious or depressed I compromise in 101 ways yet even when I vocalise my worries/concerns he seems to dismiss or think of them as a joke.  I know a lot of this is inbred by his previous relationships but for goodness sake - I've done enough now to prove I'm not the car crash that was his ex and I'll be fucked if I can continue to be someone who isn't allowed to have feelings.  I'm sick to death of any concern I have being referred to as a 'whinge'.  It's a joke.  
• I compromise because I love him in so many ways, and yet somehow I'm the selfish one?!  I understand and accepts Miles (I want to say issues here but think there is a better work that I can't think of) 'issues' to the best of my ability.  i'm constantly reading things, carefully choosing my words, picking activities when we are together that won't upset or push him too far.  I don't make a big deal of things because that isn't the right thing to do and I know I sound like an asshole when I say this, but because I don't make a big deal of these things its like Miles has forgotten the ways in which I flex and change my daily life taking his concerns and anxieties into consideration; Yet I am constantly made to feel unreasonable when I have an insecurity that needs attention/love/appeasement.  
• Miles say he loves me but seems to doubt me in so many ways.  if I'm upset i'm being dramatic, If I need reassurance I'm fishing for something unreasonable, and somewhere amid it all I'm being called a pathological liar.. This one pissed me off soooo much a month or so ago I actually added colleagues from a previous life (that add no value to my job spec at all) onto my linkedin as it was the only way I felt I could squash yet another set of questions trying to pick a hole in my life.  I get my life is a little muddled and I've walked a hundred paths, but surely he has tested me enough by now... Should I even be tested at all??
• Other girls are referred to as hot, sexy etc.  I rarely get this, and when I do it is like a passing tick box, never the same type of reference in the same way.  I want to feel attractive.  I want to feel like he wants me, I want a boyfriend who wants to have sex with me... not just my mouth or doing things 'because I like them' I want someone who wants the things I do and goes every step to know I'm the only person he has eyes for.  They say words are cheap but I genuinely believe people need to hear them.  There are things he does to flip this but I need to be selfish, I need more - I can't be questioned and hear him say things about other people one minute and then be asked to believe when he flips things around to me the next.  I need a man in my life who will go out of his way to make me feel wanted and who is willing to make the same level of compromise to sooth my anxieties and insecurities.  Don't get me wrong bloggers Miles has moved things in his world to make me feel wanted,  he has pushed himself   Beyond compare to go out,  take me places,  meet people etc.  I appreciate it all,  but those are the big things externally and it's the internal pieces I'm feeling sad for.

And that bloggers brings us round to the big things...

I'm 35 in a couple of weeks and I'm officially past the age I said I would have kids.  Unless something happens in the next 12months It's off the table even if it breaks me to know so.  The two things I wanted more than anything else in the world were kids and marriage.  I don't have either. People who I never thought would beat me to the goal posts in these things have knocked me out the park.  My birthdays always have me feeling a little sad, but this one is taking the shape of my 30th only worse... the internet and articles all held hope for me when I was 30, there was still time... now, not one makes for good reading.  Not one.

To never feel a little person growing inside of me.  To never be called mum.  It breaks me to the point of not wanting to be here, it huts so much in so many ways I don't even know how to describe it no matter how hard I try.  Women of the same age with no children seem to understand, but everyone else doesn't seem to have a clue, not only that but they are full of the 'you're still young, there's still time' bullshit.  It enrages me so bad.  I wish it were true but it fucking isn't.  Medical fact says over and over again that it isn't and so I'd rather people just said 'yeah that sucks i'm so sorry' rather than this utter bullshit.  People with lines like that (usually the ones who already have kids and have no fucking idea what I'm going through) can go fuck themselves.  I'm done.  Medically it was always going to be a difficult one for me, but now it is pretty much off the table and if one more person says 'you'll only be a day older than yesterday' I will actually SCREAM!  Yes assholes I'm fully aware of the fact I'm only a day older but READ THE FUCKING THOUSANDS OF MEDICAL PAPERS THAT SAY I'M ALREADY SCREWED and then go shove a large and sharp impliment up your ass.  Assholes.

Even if there was a miracle, I wouldn't want to put a kid through what I've grown up with and at this point I would likely be 37 even if I started actively trying now... that is way too old  (not that trying is anywhere near to being an option).  Miles doesn't get it at all.  Despite all his challenges he has kids, and the doesn't get it at all, he is always full of the 'not the right time', 'we could think about it in the future', 'there are too many reasons why it wouldn't be right' place.  I know I'm not in the right place for kids right now but actually... there is no right place moving forward so its now and deal with it or never.  At this point I've read millions of articles and despite popular male bullshit opinion I'm pretty much already fucked.  I only had a 30% chance BEFORE I hit 35 so add in PCOS and well... I'm totally screwed.

Miles tells me he wants X, Y, Z before kids... he is living in a bubble, one that doesn't really affect him so I can see why it would be easy to form his opinions.  I feel like screaming sometimes, he has kids and is a guy so apparently medical fact is just nonsense when talking about these things... It isn't even close to a priority for him yet despite EVERYTHING in my life it is ALWAYS my priority.   And no, before any of you go thinking I would do something underhand... If that had ever been a thought I would have been a mum 10 times over by now.  I would never do that, I would want my kid to be wanted, not a surprise.  Those things will not exist for years and at that point its useless.  I'm afraid its a do it now and pray with everything in the world it somehow results in a baby like tomorrow or admit I'm never going to feel what it is like to be a mum and then what...

I wonder when I think if life is punishing me.  If the decision I made all those years ago set my fate.  I don't regret what I did because having the baby would have been one of the most selfish things in the world.  It was a time when we had no food, all our clothes were worn, and the house was so cold the walls were wet - I couldn't have brought a little life into the world giving them a start like that... I was lucky I had brilliant parents, and I am thankful for that every day, but the start I got in life... It was tough.  Life was hard, kids were mean, and I was 17... What the hell did I know about making life different for a little person all by myself back then?  I was living with a sick dad and a mum who didn't work. Maybe I was just an asshole tho... Maybe this is my karma.  A selfish decision when young resulting in an eternal emptiness when I'm older.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but I am at a bottom point again.  I know I need to go and see someone to get a little help, but I can't.  I don't quite know how to say the words that I'm struggling because of my age and because I haven't done all the things.  I mean soooo many things are going well for me at the moment, yet none of it seems to matter because all I can focus on are these things that are not.  I talk to Miles but it ends in an argument and he makes me feel stupid.  In life there is only one thing I truly knew I wanted from as young as I can remember and its slipped through my hands like water - how do you even begin to deal with that or talk about that?  I sound mental!

Imagine someone came and talked to you and you let them know the one true truth hiding in the deepest part of you and they said 'fuck that you're never having it', how would you feel?  I can't even find the words.  The worst part of it all is I listen to Miles and watch as he tries to find the best solution for his kids despite his mental ex and I understand.  I understand I can't ask for more, I understand he has to make his priorities and they are so different from mine.  I understand it all, but I'm not sure he understands me.

I want marriage, a fancy ring, babies, and a house.  I want someone to be able to take care of me and everything else doesn't matter.   It feels like these should be the simplest things in the world yet each and every one of them seems impossible.  I can't even find a solution to us living together and I seem to be the only one looking.  His suggestions are always ones about what I can do, not what he can do... Living together... it doesn't even come close to the real worry.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm going to publish this particular blog but all the others I've written this last few months and anything else I write moving forward are going to remain as a journal.  This update for many many reasons well, it will be my last.

I've loved blogging over the years, this place has been my think-tank and my 'vent it out and get on with life' place, but moving forward if there are no 'what if''s' anymore and I can't be certain it is the place I need to to be and secure for my most inner ramblings, there really doesn't seem to be a point.

Thank you so so much for reading and commenting and for the very first person to comment who took me from the darkest place I knew at that moment and showed me that even a stranger can care -  I owe you a lot even though we have never met, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.  Maybe in another life I can take you for a coffee and return the favour.  You saved me.

Over and out.  Ser3ndipity 34, child free, never married and 10yrs on still as confused as ever.

x

I breathe in slow to compose myself

But the bleeding heart I left on the shelf

Started speeding round, beating half to death

'Cause you're here and you're all mine

So I press my lips down into your neck

And I stay there and I reconnect

Bravery I've been trying to be perfect

It can wait for a while

Scared of hope in my head it's been making me sweat but it turns out

You're here with your head on my chest

I should've guessed

The world will turn and we'll grow, we'll learn how to be

To be incomplete

I breathe out now and we fall back in

Just like before we can re-begin

Let your lungs push slow against my skin

Let it all feel just fine

Gone is the emptiness

We just take what's best and we move on

All that the hurt gets left

I should've guessed

The world will turn and we'll grow, we'll learn how to be

To be incomplete

This here now, it's where we touch down

You and me let's be incomplete

How'd we go without

I don't know it's look like we've made it again

Tell me you'll never look down, down

And the world will turn and we'll grow, we'll learn how to be

To be incom

I don't wanna look down

I don't want us to break up in the cloud

All I want is to stay us, to stay with you now

I don't wanna look down

I don't want us to break up in the clouds

All I want is to stay us, to stay with you now

And the world will turn and we'll grow, we'll learn how to be

To be incomplete

This here now it's where we touch down

You and me let's be incomplete

James Bay - Incomplete
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