2016

So here we are... another year.  I'm here and I'm fighting.

I usually set myself a New Year resolution, and for the most part it has led to some significant changes in my life...  Spending the best part of a year working abroad, passing my driving test, going back to University.  This year however I couldn't think of anything that was 'just right'.  To be honest, while I know I should be bringing in the year with a fresh new take on life (as is expected), but whenever I try to take a few steps forward, 'he' pops into my mind and I'm left wondering if there was something/anything I could have done.

I think 2016 needs to have a more holistic resolution.  One that has me make a move to try and concentrate on making a better me, a more stable me, a me that is going to be ok to be solo in her golden years.  No big challenge there then... eep!  So what does this 'me' need?

I've a few hard and fast challenges ahead over the next six months, so I guess, for the time being, a better me might be the type of girl who handles those well.  After that, well, I guess there's plenty of time to decide.  So what are we dealing with? 

February - My birthday.  34.  Wait maybe you didn't hear me... 34!!!  The plan:  A distraction.  I've no idea what as yet, but I've booked a long weekend off work and as there's no-one to sweep me off my feet am deliberating if I am brave enough to go somewhere solo

March - Herb and Barron's baby is due.  I am so nervous about this one.  I mean I'm incredibly happy for them as they were trying to get pregnant for ages and I can't think of two people that deserve to be the perfect family unit any more; but if I'm honest bloggers, there's a little piece inside me that is incredibly jealous and I'm so so scared it will manifest.  I spoke to Red about it the other day and she told me I was being crazy, that it is normal to feel a pang for something she knows I want so badly, but that I'm not the type of person to act out jealousy and that I should trust in myself because in times past she's seen me show warmth and kindness to her without a glimmer of anything but happiness when good things had happened to her at the same time I was paddling like crazy.  It was an unexpected thing to hear her say, but really nice.  I sometimes underestimate Red's detailed perception.  I should know better.

August - My cousin's wedding.  He and I have been close since kids and while he is eloping for the ceremony they are having a large dinner/party/family gathering after the event.  It will be the first time our side of the family has been together for well over a decade and so everyone is making an effort to come together.  I can't wait in some respects, but in others I am incredibly nervous.  I know I'm the only single one left, and with the exception of my other cousin (his brother), I am also the only one without kids.  My brother has already started joking that I might want to rent a date to avoid the awkward questions.  Yep, I need a lot more 'me' for August.

So how am I doing so far?  Hmmm well I'll let you decide...

A minute before midnight on the 31st my mobile rang... it was Miles.  He asked me how I was, held his phone up so I could hear bells playing and then told me we were going to do the countdown to the New Year together.  It was really sweet.  I would love to think it was him trying to make a gesture of a romantic kind, but I'm pretty certain it was of the friendly persuasion.  However, I didn't question it (a new one for me), counted along, and smiled as he wished me a Happy New Year.

Since then, I've been pushing myself a little every day.  On New Year Day Red text to say she had been at a spin class and was going to grab a coffee and head home.  I asked her where she was and within 20mins had gone from pjs and bed to messy up-do and trendy coffee shop.  I dropped her home, called Gstar to tell him to drag his ass out of bed, and did a supermarket drive by for some nibbles before enforcing an afternoon of drinks, nibbles and board games.  It was a hoot.  Yesterday I got dressed up, and despite wanting to get dressed down as soon as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I haulled my ass into town for dinner and cocktails.  I was only in maybe 5hours, however in that time I was bee-lined for twice, and by the third, made my excuses and grabbed a taxi home.  I know I should have been flattered, but having a guy walk up to me and offer to buy a drink just makes me think of Miles, and how I've absolutely no reason to say no to these men, but always want to.  

Red, G-star, Clio and my brother have each told me to get myself back out there, get online, start dating in the last week or so.  To the extreme that they have all started evoking 'remember that date when you...' stories.  They just don't get it.  They're right,  I do enjoy dating.  I like meeting new people and the flirt and comedy value of it all, but it isn't hat I don't want to date... It's that... How can I possibly date someone else, when all I would be thinking of is him.  I need to give myself a good shake.  There's absolutely no point in me feeling like this when he doesn't feel the same.  

Should putting myself back out there be part of the plan?

David Guetta Ft. Usher - Without You

click for soundtrack