Tomorrow is the 1st of Feb and my birthday is firmly in sight. I'm starting to get all the birthday 'feels' and no, I'm not talking cake, balloons and parties. For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while you'll know this time of year is one filled with dread and danger for this little chick. I'm pretty certain nothing will land as horrifically as my 30th, but 4 days to go and I've already got that sinking feeling.
Thirty-four. 34. Thirty-four and while I have a lot to be thankful for (some really solid friends, a family who loves me, a lovely apartment, two fluff balls who make me smile even on the darkest of days, and a job - a job I need to leave before I go insane, and a boss that drives me mad, but a job that allows me to pay the bills). When I look at it all though, there is a huge gaping hole. I really want a family.
This last few months, well, since the whole 'thing' actually, I've been feeling it. I really want children. I've always known I did, but with time and life ticking away, the possibility is fading into the distance so quickly now I'm way past starting to think it might never happen for me. I think I'd make a good mum, but I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to find out...
My body is starting to give me one final kick I think. I've had a significant period of ovulation (yes I know this sounds icky but suck it up buttercups) each time the last few months. Babies and my flirtation with the possible has been in my dreams/nightmares for weeks now. The thing is... It isn't something I can control or make happen myself. I can't just go out and buy a baby like a car, I can't make a family by myself.
Miles and I were talking over this the other day and he mentioned on my birthday I'll only be 24hours older than the day before. It was a sweet thing to say, and it did make me smile; but he doesn't get it. He is a man, he has kids, and he will never know what it feels like to have that empty feeling deep inside. He told me I could borrow his anytime I wanted and I would soon change my mind (he was joking of course, his kids are beautiful, he loves them dearly, and I am most definitely not on the meet and greet list). It was sweet, but he couldn't have been any more wrong. I can't think of anything I would want more in this whole wide world than to have a family. He probably factors into that ideal. I'm not so sure he would ever have had the same thoughts about me.
Valentines day is playing on my mind a little. Every time I think I might know where Miles and I are, or that we will talk things through and find our way; something changes and I'm left with no clue at all. I keep wondering what our 'skype date' on Valentines means to him... Is it a mate date? I hadn't thought it was, but as much as we are talking, I still feel like if we are testing the water, there is a huge element missing atm.
I keep wondering if he will send me a Valentines card. I figure if he does, then I'll know a little more. I'll see it all a little clearer. The thing is, if he doesn't, I'll be sooooooooo much more confused. Should I send one? What if I do and he doesn't?? I know gifts and things given his financial situation and our current state/place isn't really the right approach, but I keep thinking... for the price of a stamp, and the knowledge that he would have to face a few challenges of his own head on to get a card to me... I would know.
Is it so wrong that all I want in the whole wide world right now is to be loved (by him), and to have a family. I don't even care that the picture perfect image I used to have would be a million miles from the reality. I could quite happily be the one that goes out to work, and I would more than happily embrace the shark infested custard of a 'blended' family. I see all he misses out on and I sometimes catch myself thinking things I shouldn't, words I can never say, thoughts I should never have... other than on this page, in this blog, when there's just me, you, and the knowledge that my inner most thoughts (the ones no-one every says out loud) have been exhaled into the atmosphere, and as mental as they sound, I'm safe because they're anonymous. I think about he and I in a house, a place of our own, somewhere he can have and see his kids as much as he wants because I would support that in any way/shape I could, and for us to have a family of our own... one where he could be involved every day, see his child grow up right before his eyes, where we could take all our strengths and knowledge and see an amazing little person take all the best parts of him, all the best parts of me and bring something special to the world.
I realise how utterly insane that makes me sound. *sigh
Back on planet reality I'll just do the only thing that can be done... Chin up, head high, and a fake smile painted on my face. One day, someday, if I'm lucky, the smile will be real.
Tick Tock. Tick Tock
Gabrielle Aplin - Alive
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