Sometimes there's a gentle breeze, and before you realise, everything has changed.
I bought a car this weekend. Not a second hand 'new for me' one as planned, but a new car. I took a work friend (I've alluded to her before but let's give her a name this time around - Purple), and she was brilliant! She wasn't phased by the sales men, she didn't flinch when they tried to bamboozle, and more importantly, she was the perfect bad cop in our ying/yang approach which resulted in this little chick walking away with a slow (budget won out on the want vs needs chart), but perfectly spec'd run about that in the next 24hours will be confirmed as all mine. Let's hope the finance fairies are on my side. Given I've never made a large purchase on credit, and I move like the wind changes, my credit score has never been fantastic, however I'm hoping for this type of purchase I firmly sit into the 'good bet' category. If not... Well, it's back to the drawing board. I drove to the supermarket this morning on a seat only fit for goldfish and ducks. While it amuses me, I'm pretty sure a wet patch on my bum isn't really going to go with the suited and booted look this week.
There's also been another significant change over the last few days too (one I think I've been pretty careful not to misread). Miles and I are still talking a lot. His dog had to be put to sleep last week and he was distraught. He was such a gorgeous pup, and at times when he was at his lowest, his trigger to lift his head up and face the day. Miles seemed lost, and I felt his pain in my stomach like an ache I had no idea how to remove. It's really hard to be there for someone when you can't just jump in the car and appear at their door with a warm smile and a hug. I tried my best. I'm not sure I helped.
Either way, he and I spent the last couple of nights falling asleep talking to each other (two blissful nightmare free nights), giggling over silly things like we did right at the start, and today, I felt like we were somehow getting to know each other again. I can't quite explain the how or the why, but somehow, somewhere, something is different.
While we were chatting last night Valentines day popped into the conversation. I can't remember the exact flow of words, but a mention of having nothing planned saw him make the suggestion we should have a 'skype date' like we had in the past. Dinner, drinks and a virtual across the table. Given the date of the suggestion I was a little taken back and so made a flirtatious joke that he had asked me on a date. He laughed back and agreed he had. It wasn't enough. I had misunderstood before it seems (our recent conversation saw the effects of that), and so I pushed a little asking if he had just asked me on a 'date date', he took my comment well (*phew), and confirmed that he had.
I think Miles just asked me on a date? He did right? I mean, I know I joked, and I know it could have been a little awkward, but surely he would have said 'yeah friends keeping each other sane on Valentines day' or something like that rather than a 'yes, a date, date' response. Right???
I so hope I've got it right. Don't get me wrong, I mean what I say when I tell you that I want to be there for him and have him in my life regardless, and that I would try to find a way to make the same connection as friends for visits/calls etc. My heart wants the whole thing though. All of him, and all of me, fading into one hot mess before rising up so strong, life would have to keep a lookout.
There seem to be quite a few signs suggesting that he isn't that far away from where I am. I've taken 100 steps back, and he seems to have taken a few forward. Could we somehow have found ourselves on the same page, contemplating if we walked away before giving something a go? Is anything different now? Am I kidding myself? I did ask the date question... what we aren't on the same page and I end up hurting him and myself by getting it wrong? Could he have suggested a date when there haven't been flirtatious texts? Could it be that he is as uncertain of the situation as I am? Am I wrong to see a glimmer of magic?
It's funny how something as small as one word can tell you everything you need to know. One word can put the world right again. One word can leave your soul smiling and lift all the troubles in the world from your shoulders. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. It's 'babygirl'.
One weekend and the winter breeze seems to have lifted me gently and placed me somewhere familiar yet different. Finance pending, Valentines plans, and one huge unexpected (but hopeful) question mark.
Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
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