03:36
For the last few weeks I've had horrific, vivid, and more often than not, lingering dreams. The kind that when you wake up leave traces. Have you questioning if or not there's some validity to it, some truth that when spoken of will evoke the hell of it all over again. Almost the same time each night regardless of when I sleep.
I woke tonight at 3:03 shaking and lay in bed convinced I couldn't breathe or move for what felt like forever before normality oh so slowly began to kick in.
The thing is, when you look for comfort at 3am, there's no one around. A 'last online' check of social media sees to that.
I feel so tired.
What I would give for arms curling around me, and a body pulling me in and telling me to 'hush it is all ok'.
I don't really know how to make them go away. I know there's a recurring theme in them, but the rest are so twisted it has to be more than my mind/body coming to terms with things surely?
Internet research tomorrow - things to do to keep nightmares. Truly horrific ones at bay. Well that, and quite possibly the purchase of a boyfriend pillow lol
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well it's pretty much bedtime and I can't lie... I feel nervous about having yet another nightmare filled night. Is it normal to wake up from one, shake it off and then to ha another, and another?
I remember reading once that dreams are the minds way of dealing with things. Dreams might not directly relate to their content, but in a strange way their lack of logic help the brain to assimilate confusing and often traumatic information so you can process and move on. It makes sense. The thing is, REM is meant to be rare, dreams not a constant, and yet here I am, a grown woman wishing I had someone to curl up with so when I wake in the middle of the night, limbs stuck to my bed, heart racing, pillow drenched with tears; that there is someone to turn over, wrap their arms around me, and without saying a word make it all ok. Wouldn't there be some serious irony if one of the 'processes' was that of the lack of such a person... I wouldn't be surprised.
Lots of things have bumped into my radar today too. Evanescence is struggling with her kids at the moment and is exhausted (she is juggling a lot) and was asking for advice, my brother called to chat about the possibility of me playing foster parent for a week or so as something terrible came up with the kid they respite care for this evening which would make juggling everything a little too much (the system has me cleared for both kids so I am the obvious go-to), and herb was in touch with all sorts of baby and bump chat. I'm pleased to say she is looking fab and things are going beautifully. Top that off with some crappy blood results, an old school friend getting married another 'used to be close' one receiving a proposal annnnd a surprise few messages from Mr Hotel who made a few not so subtle suggestions that we pick up and see what happens - I responded with some not so subtle 'on your bike and good luck' responses... So you see, you could say it has been a pretty eventful day. As for Miles... He and I have been hanging out virtually and talking a lot (all PG) and there have been quite a few giggles to be had. I can imagine one of which playing on my mind in a way it shouldn't tonight however... It was to do with physicality and it has genuinely been in good/kind humour and something that has made me smile over the day; but given I'm still 100% we didn't work out because he found me unattractive... You can see where I'm going.
There has to be a flip though, one I will elaborate on tomorrow, but he soothed me the other night and kept me from repeat nightmare land with kindness... But that's for another day. For now... I really REALLY hope I get a night of nightmare free sleep.
Bonne nuit! x
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