It happened. I was on the phone to Miles, and then unexpectedly there it was. He brought up the trip, the confusions, the feelings... the ending. I didn't see it coming at all.
We spoke for around twenty minutes, and this time, he held court. It has been the first time I've seen him take control (about this subject) since we first started talking and he asked me out all those months ago. It was cathartic. Don't get me wrong, I think there are still things left unsaid, but it was just so so nice to hear him actually talk about where we left things. I finally felt like I hadn't been going mad, and it was comforting to know he had been thinking it over too.
Things were left rather open ended, and I don't really know where we go from here, but I somehow feel a little more relaxed. I wish I could tell you that there's a clear path from here on in, that I know where I'm going, that things are a little less grey than when I blogged a few days ago with the Valentines day dilemma, but I can't. What I can say however, is that I hope he talks to me a little more in the next few days, and I can continue to try and listen... Then I guess we will see where we are at. I can't quite seem to get the words out on this one, and I'm not sure I'm making any sense at all, so I'll try a different approach (it might help me figure things out in the process).
- He said we met amid a whirlwind of sexual desire and kink and that when we had met that had been different. He said he feels different now, like we connect on a personality and intellectual way. He used the word 'fancy' a few times which made me smile (and chuckle a little), but it was very unclear if he meant it in the context of then or the then and the now.
- He said he thought being with someone who was your best friend could be the perfect thing. He didn't however say if he felt this would be un-sexual or a compromise (I wouldn't want to be a compromise)
- Not once did he tell me he thought I was pretty or beautiful or attractive. It wasn't like he was making a point of saying I'm not (I wouldn't think that of him), but it was unusual that physical attraction and/or sexual attraction didn't seem to factor in at all when he was explaining the here and the now
- I finally managed to try and vocalise how I felt about the sexual mis-adventure we encountered. I'm not sure I did a great job, and I'm not sure he understood what I was trying to say, but I tried and I am pleased I did.
- Should I have told him everything?
- Does this all mean he doesn't see me as attractive?
- Is Valentines a date?
- I told him that with him I feel safer
- He told me that with me he feels more confident
- Why bring it all up now?
- Was he trying to say we are different but that he still sees us as something worth fighting for
- There were a lot of things said, but nothing was so clear that I could work out in what context he was talking. Was it all about purging the past, or were we talking about the future? I had no idea.
- I'm glad I let him talk and didn't say too much back (or at least I hope I didn't... for once).
I'm pretty certain this is a post I'll re-write again tomorrow. For the time being, night bloggers!
ps: Car finance screwed me in the ass! This little chick needs to go back to the drawing board, and maybe get my rollerskates on.
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