Forbidden Kisses

So Clerk and I spoke a day after 'the night' and I put my cards on the table and suggested we go on an actual date and see what happens.  Clerk, well, he had different thoughts.  We are throwing the whole thing under the carpet and I have promised not to try and fall over the gigantic lump on the floor next time we meet.  I'm sure we will catch up after Christmas and hopefully things can start to get back to normal.

I've got a date this coming week with a guy I've been chatting to on Tinder - An Irish teacher, and in the NY I'm meeting up for drinks with a guy I know from the BDSM munches so I will keep you informed.  Other than that Mr Helicopter text me not long after my last posting about him, asking how I was.  I exchanged pleasantries but didn't entertain his flirtation.  I had thought that was the end of it, but received a message on my walk to work from the pool this morning as follows:  'I can't believe I'm actually telling you, but I had a naughty dream about you last night.... sorry xxx'  (10mins later)... 'I am still horny thinking about it' ... (2mins later) 'You were very vocal and took charge. It was amazing'.  I replied saying 'yes, that does seem a little unusual given we never made that second date'.  He has replied since but I didn't bite.  My ship has sailed and he was most definitely not on the boat.

The latest twist however has been with Marine.  As I've said, work has been crazy the last few weeks; between deadlines and meetings and kick-off projects my head was in a spin, and that was before Christmas season kicked in and 101 Christmas parties and events joined the mix.  (My departmental Christmas night out was an absolute hoot incidentally.  I was the only girl to stay past dinner and the boys most definitely took care of me.  I was danced off my feet, flinged about, treat like a lady, bought drinks and safely placed in a cab home when it was pumpkin time.  Love those boys!).  

Anyway, things with Marine and I have been simmering away for some time. A few failed 'lets meet for a drink' plans (work got in the way), and more than a handful of 'I didn't really need to come to your department/desk to ask for this, but I wanted to flirt a little' excuse filled desk visits, and while I've not really given the situation a great deal of thought, I have had a couple of wicked dreams.  This afternoon however, the playfulness was definitely put to the test...

Around 3pm Marine emailed me on my work email (an unusual move unless work related) asking if I was around.  I was finishing up a projects meeting so shot him a quick one word 'yes' response and continued with work.  A couple of seconds later I received the following:  "I'm wondering if pinning you to the wall in the lift for a kiss would be inappropriate ;) lol'.  I got flustered and was unsure what to reply so opted for a non-committal "Interesting..." (30 secs later)... "See you in the lift in 5?"

Now there are only three floors in my building, however with the volume of employees this means that there are two lifts; one beside the other.  I had a couple of minutes to quickly make up my mind. Was I going to meet him or not? Would he be there or not?  Was this a wise idea?  Did meeting him make me a bad person?  Would I kick myself if I didn't go?  And all the while my head was spinning thinking how yummy he had been looking this week in his fitted shirts, how nice his physique was and how great he had smelt when he had appeared at my desk and asked me to meet for a coffee in the canteen a few days before (naturally he paid, and yes surprisingly he had pulled out my chair).  I had seconds left to decide and when I opened my eyes there I was, standing in front of the two lifts... before I could press the button the door pinged open and there he was, standing beside one of the other PMs.

I walked in, the lift went up a floor and she got out, I followed, so did he.  I turned and he pushed the button and walked back inside the lift shooting me a smile.  I followed.  As the doors closed another manager got in beside us.  I was dying on the inside.  He was less than an inch away from me, I could feel his arm pressed against mine and his eyes glance a knowing look as we both smiled politely at the other woman in the lift as she chatted away.  I was going to be stuck in this lift forever!! Going up and down, and up and down, feeling the tension rise.  When the doors opened again I stayed still, apprehensive as to who we would next have the company of... no-one stepped inside.

The doors shut, our eyes met, and before I knew it he had pulled me towards him, our lips met and my back was against the wall as our tongues danced.  One floor, nothing more than ten seconds, and then a ping.  I pushed him aside and we smiled as a faceless person stepped inside.  No sooner had they left than his fingers entwined around the langyard on my neck as he pulled me in close, wrapping his fingers around my waist for another forbidden kiss.  I walked out of the lift and back to my desk with a secret smile.

A lift as far as a metaphor goes is probably where this one is headed.  Still, I keep thinking that while I'm not exactly whiter than white, I'm single so I'm in the clear right?... Right?

Coasts - A Rush Of Blood

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After all this time

Work... or fate got in the way of Friday's plans.  

Marine ended up having to work late and so rather than wait around I made other plans.  When he suggested we meet on Saturday instead I told him I already had plans (a date) and told him he would have to work on his technique if he was hoping to catch butterflies.  I had to pop into work to pick something up from my locker before meeting Clerk yesterday, I was dressed to impress and it didn't go unnoticed.  Marine spotted me and told me I looked stunning.

And then there was Clerk...

I met him off the bus and giggled as we hugged hello as he has been embracing 'movember' and had grown a beard.  It prickled against my cheek, but not as much as it might have.  We chatted and meandered through the crowds as we made our way to the Christmas market.  After looking around he suggested we should go and grab a bite.  I guided us away from the crowds of the centre of town and we found ourselves in a South American fusion place.  He ordered a bottle of wine and we fell into our usual routine, catching up, laughing and enjoying each others company.  We stayed a couple of hours and I suggested we go somewhere else for a drink.  I took us to a bar a stumbled upon a few weeks ago - twinkly lighting, relaxed vibe and a small stage where an acoustic set is regularly played.  A bar I had weeks ago decided would be a good date venue... but this wasn't a date was it?

We talked about 101 things, religion, marriage, kids, living together, magic, the theatre, music, movies, dating... everything and anything as we sipped on glass after glass of wine.  We were seated beside each other on bar stools rested against a long central table.  At some point I asked what time his bus back was and he advised he had already missed it.  There was a train in 45mins he told me,  I asked if we should order another bottle or not, we did.  Not long after we started chatting to a guy and a girl who were out as friends.  Shots bought and an order of something blue on the top shelf that had caught our eye and it is safe to say we were rather tipsy.  We reminisced over days past when we would place 'bets' against each other, the loser having to complete a dare.  New bets made we decided we would create a facebook poll asking whether he should keep (he wins) or shave (I win) the beard.  The loser to complete a dare of the others selection (For him:  To juggle as a busker for a set period of time - 18mins - during next year's summer festival.  For me: To sing/play a song on my guitar on the same stretch of road in the same festival).  We were as we always are, old friends enjoying the ease at which we interact.  Smiling and relaxed.

I'm not sure when or how things changed, but all of a sudden his fingers were entwined with mine.  I needed to pinch myself but I couldn't, so I squeezed instead.  Friends could accidentally hold hands right?  but to squeeze and to have them squeezed back could/would mean something else?  My logic wasn't exactly solid, but it seemed logical at the time so I did it.  He looked into my eyes and squeezed back.  I had no idea what to do, where to look, what to say.  What did it mean?  Before I knew it our lips had found each other, his tongue was stroking mine and there I was... In a bar, his hands entwined against mine and his lips pressed firm yet gentle against mine.  We kissed.

I never thought this moment would happen, I mean I've wondered but I was never going to make a move and he well... Clerk doesn't do things like that.  I could never have been sure how I would feel... Would it feel like kissing a brother?  There had always been that danger.  It didn't.  I was so lost in the moment and so taken back by the whole thing.  What did it mean?  What does it mean?

He had told me as our last round of shots came that he was going to stay at my apartment and I smiled in agreement.  There was no undertone.  He isn't that kind of guy, and I am not that kind of girl.  It was always going to be a possibility and my sofa was his anytime he needed it.  He told me he couldn't drink anymore and I was feeling the same too.  We grabbed our jackets and headed outside.  I have no idea why, but as we were holding hands (I think we were holding hands) I kept asking him the question 'really?'  I then asked him as the taxi pulled up if we were going to pretend it had never happened.  I have no idea what was going on in my head. 

Guys don't kiss girls unless they want to.  Clerk certainly didn't have a habit of kissing random girls.  I felt like I had to build up a wall and I don't know why... I told him he had kissed me and he needed to decide whether we were going to pretend it hadn't happened by the time the cab pulled up by my place.  When it did, he told me he was going to ask it to take him home... 60miles away.  I asked him if he was serious and he looked at me sadly and said yes.  I don't know what happened.

What has happened?

I don't know how I feel.  I don't want to lose my friend, lose being able to hang out like we do, being able to joke and jest with him without him thinking everything has an agenda.  Have him think I've always been waiting for him, for this.  Who kissed who?  How did it happen?  Was it conscious?  Did he think about it before his fingers found mine?  Was it drunken or was it something that was always going to be?  

I haven't heard from him today.  I sent him a looooooooooooooong message after his cab drove off.  He saw it an hour later (whattsapp is a dangerous tool), and when I woke this morning he had logged back in at 5ish am so I am assuming he read it again.  He hasn't been online since and I whole heartedly wish I had dealt with the whole thing differently.  I can't change things now though.

I may have lost a friend.  I don't want to lose him.

The thing is... was it a drunken mistake?  

One, Two, Three

Life is a blur at the moment.

Work is incredibly stressful, my peer group and several a level above me are crumbling.  Tears here, cracks there (not mine as of yet I hasten to add), however, I am definitely feeling the strains, but I'm focused on the prize.  Once the end of January comes around I can re-assess knowing I've made my part of the project a success.  I'm not so sure about other two women in my peer group.  Our department is most definitely the most exhausted; fighting fires and holding up the operational side of things with future planning and 'quick fix' plasters.  Unfortunately there's only so long you can work at that pace before things start to slip.  Mistakes are made, deadlines get lax, and when the machine of industry is in full motion... some people are going to get mowed down.  I got a call from internal resourcing on Thursday night pitching me a job.  A few succinct questions later and it appears I am being 'vetted' for one of my colleagues positions.  On Friday she called to advise me her probationary period had been extended as they weren't happy with her outputs, and both the portfolio directors and client had voiced their concerns.  I'm to call back resourcing on Monday to discuss things further.  The money would be a 10K uplift before I negotiate (and I always negotiate), but I'm not certain I could take it in clear conscience. 

I had a guy friend over for dinner and drinks last night.  We work together, but I've known him in a prior life and so it was great to catch up.  He is gay and I almost choked on my wine when he commented on Marine and his physique, mentioning he had seen him at my desk several times this week and that the girls in the department had been more than happy to see him in our area of the building.  It isn't news to me that Marine has a female following within the office; he is charismatic, confident, somewhat flirtatious, and his suit skims his muscles and toned body in all the right ways. I smiled, made a nod of agreement, and bit my tongue. 

Marine and I are meeting tonight for an honest conversation over a drink. 

There are lots of topics to be discussed if we are contemplating entering a BDSM arrangement.  What do we both want out of it, where are our limits, what are our curiosities, and now for the curve ball... Will my search for pleasure really let me overlook the silver circle on his left hand.  Yes bloggers, you read it right. The duct tape halo is currently in hand ready to be dis-guarded.  Not a relationship, not a dramatic complication, just pure, deviant, boundary pushing, unadulterated sexual fun.   

The last few days we have exchanged quite a few messages, playful and serious alike, and he has called most evenings where I have listened intently to the stories of the twists and turns of his life. At his playful and yet quietly confident request I've not touched myself or orgasm for the last two days.  Under the right hands my body would move like water at the slightest fingertip touch.   I've been pursued by people who at first glance are like Marine before, however he has depths and traits so familiar to me and yet so rare to find.  He reminds me of someone.  Someone safe yet daring. Bumped and bruised yet resilient and unbroken.  Painted face, clear agenda.  Eye on the prize.  Unguarded.  

"I have lived the majority of my fantasies, and the others I am sure we will develop together... I have an agenda, and it is centered around pleasing myself by pleasing you... Our fun would be with you and me, no sharing, and in depth.   I do not want to break you, this is not my thing.  I want to build you up.  I want you to feel like when I look at you in work; while nobody else knows around us, you have a flip in your tummy and a wettening that make you know you're mine."

It isn't often I find someone that can make me tongue tied, but he certainly has that particular talent. I'm not sure many would notice, he however has.  Gentle in approach, I feel intellectually and mentally guided; like walking into a crowded room and finding an unexpected hand in the small of your back as you start to stumble, guiding you to your destination.  Never pushing, always attentive.  The waters should look muddy, but they feel crystal clear.  

Amy Stroup - Far From Here

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Fire

Let me try and get you up to speed...

Mr Helicopter got back in touch.  He took me on a date and quite frankly I was found wanting.  He has 101 things going on in his life, and doesn't seem to be able to juggle very well.  I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but when things are that hard at the start, they probably weren't meant to be.

The registrar was short lived.  He was very much a man set in his ways and despite his career seemed lacking in the get-up-and-go I seek for in a potential match.

The hotelier is still on the scene.  He is very keen that we make a go of things despite a career move taking him 400miles in the wrong direction.  We skype and flirt and he is currently looking at flights to/from my city so he can 'romance me into being his'.  He is very much a man with a family plan, and I'm not ruling him out of the equation until I get to know him better.

That being said, I told you I was going to embrace life with new zest now I've found my career feet again, and I have.  In the last couple of weeks I've been chatting, meeting and flirting with people... hey it's a numbers game!  This coming weekend I am meeting Clerk with a view to working out exactly how I feel, and I have a date on Sunday also.  Friday night,  well that is something all together different.

As you know, I dipped my toe into the world of BDSM and fetish and I was not found wanting.  It is a world of sexual wonder and I was quite frankly like a kid in the candy shop.  I've been along to a few meets and have made a few kinky friends along the way.  I even have a 'cleaner' who ensures several areas of my apartment are spotless at all times (it wouldn't do well to disappoint me).  No, it is safe to say I've dipped my toes in and have tested the waters in a few mini adventures, but never in the realm I was most curious... submission.

Since joining the site I am on and integrating myself in the community, I've continually kept my eyes open for a dominant man for either a relationship or closed 'play'.  Basically a bf or a kinky fb.  I had peeked down the rabbit hole, but it was going to take a very specific type of gentleman to make me jump;  the kind of gentleman I felt was lacking in my local vicinity... until now.

Around three weeks ago I held yet another training session at work with new managers brought into the project now we have stabalised.  As usual I smiled throughout, and as usual several of them made a point in coming to chat to me in the days that followed.  I am a different kind of Ser3ndipity in work, my mask of confidence is strong and my smiley and enigmatic disposition often sees me in good favour, especially with male colleagues.  That day was slightly different however...

On walking into the room my eye was immediately caught by a confident and handsome guy with a cheeky grin.  His eyes met mine immediately and as I was setting up he was chatting to me like we had met before.  I assumed our paths had crossed in another vocation, but I couldn't quite work out where.  After the meeting he asked the same 'Ser3ndipity, your face seems really familiar, have we met before?'  I suggested a few places but nothing clicked.   A few days later I passed him at reception as I was leaving the building.  He called for my attention as I was walking out, again questioning my familiarity.  It was beginning to play on my mind that we had met in a dating capacity but he didn't push.  

We are now several weeks later and having spoken several times over the weeks in passing I found myself starting to blush at our interactions.  Never inappropriate, always work related, however there was some kind of underlying tone.  Then, one day last week he offered a story; one surrounding his business (he runs several outside of his role), that quipped at a 'client home visit' and their reluctance to agree.  A few words back and forth, an innuendo about handcuffs here, a joke about whips there and I start to feel the penny drop... 'Oh my goodness... I think I know where we have met before'.

We became 'facebook friends' just under a week ago.  That door opened another, and after texting his gentle suggestions had me suggest where we may have met before.  'Why don't you try me with a few acronyms... FB for facebook etc.' he suggested.  After playing coyly for a while I took a risk and typed the letters I had been curious and nervous about all along... Bingo!  It appears I'm not the only person at work with a liking for 'kink'.  He advises me he recognised my face immediately, and my reaction to his story only segmented what he knew the first day he had questioned our acquaintance... We were both pleasure seekers.  He advised me I could use this as assurance that he could be discrete, that we had spoken online briefly and I had told him I didn't think he was my type.  I was also told this had been most disappointing.  A few texts/messages back and forth and he made his hoped intentions clear.  I hasten to add, in a most delicious way.  I told him my apprehensions especially in written communication and he advised he understood and that my confidence in his discretion was of the utmost importance.

This morning when I arrived at work he asked if I was free at 10am.  I advised I was and when he arrived at my desk he asked for my bag with a smile.  I didn't question him... I'm not sure why.  He placed inside a mobile phone complete with sim card and tariff that he had taken care of.  No pressure, no conditions... just a line of communication that he advised would ensure my anonymity.  

There will be more to tell I am sure, but for now (based on his prior vocation), let us call him The Marine.

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire

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Spreadsheets & Spontaneous Texts

New day.  New approach.

Work is completely insane at the moment.  At any given moment I have two people at my desk and a phone either pinging with texts or ringing with some kind of 'emergency'.  I logged in to 568 new and unread emails this morning.  I replied to 5.  

I've decided to take 5mins each hour just to gain my sanity back.  The people I work with are lovely, but some of them have the logic of a brick.  Efficiency and logic seem to be lacking in the brains of anyone I have to manage at the moment.  Things are busy and we have all had to roll our sleeves up but come on!  I regrouped the 35 basket cases round my desk just after lunch to spell it out all over again, but come home time when checking on their productivity... several balls have still been dropped.  Tomorrow I might have to start acting out all requests through the means of interpretive dance.  

Shake it off Ser3ndipity.  Shake it off!

A giant bubble bath and an early night is calling for this girl.  From the minute I got up this morning I feel like I've had people nipping my head and no time for the people I really want to save my attention for.  I need to sort that tomorrow. Life is too short and friends are too precious to mix up my priorities, even if my super-duper pulls data from 101 different places and calculates my life into simple figures with text analytics breaks again.  I need to go on a blinkin excel course.  I was doing ok until 2010 came in and messed up my learner mojo.  I'm starting to think I would prefer to work in an environment where I don't have to directly manage people.  I would get sooooo much done!  Including direct and non-direct reports, this week I've over 40 managers linking in covering an FTE of over 1400.  I'm only one little Ser3ndipity.

In other news I woke up to another cute text from Mr Helicopter this morning. Although that aside, he has been rather quiet.  To be fair, I've had zero time for flirting today, but while I'm clearly on his mind for first thing texts etc, where is the chatty guy I was talking to before 'the bombshell'?  The other 2... the registrar and the hotelier are still persisting.  I am useless at telling someone I'm not interested via text!  I guess I should consider my way of backing off without telling them I'm not interested (aka failing to reply) as a positive sign that Mr Helicopter isn't doing the same.  I am certainly not texting him each morning.

Bastille - Of The Night

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Magnetic

Why is it that in life, advice is much easier to hand out than to take... even if it's your own.

My heart always has, and always will, rule my head.  I am a slave to it.  The child of romantics (my parents met on a blind date).  Someone who will search for love for an eternity.  One small sparkle is all it takes and crash, bang, whollop, I lose all sense.

The last two days I've had several texts from two differing guys I've been speaking to.  The first an acute medical registrar well on his way to being a consultant.  Great job, nice house, exceptionally nice car and zero baggage. The second a hotelier with a flare for the romantic and a willingness to squash any barrier I put in place.  Both these men are what most women would consider a catch.  Successful, smart, charming, and very interested... I however don't seem to be one of them.

I can't quite kick the lingering thoughts of Mr Helicopter.  Thoughts that are making me question my sanity, I mean come on!  A guy who wants to be with you makes it happen and doesn't cancel your first date without straight away organising another right?!

I heard from Mr Helicopter the same night he cancelled our date.  We spoke on the phone and he told me he absolutely wanted to take me on a date, and had found me pleasantly confident in my approach to being let down.  I don't get what it is.  The sense inside me keeps telling me to cut and run.  Get out of there.  He comes with a heap of baggage and he is either full of spin, or he is pushing hard to see if I will run.  Ironically, normally I would have been like Ussain Bolt.  He is under my skin.

I don't get it.  I've never met him... Sure we have spoken and yes, there are things about him that are charming and enigmatic, but there are many things about him that are so so far from what I am looking for.  Yet here I am... Blogging about him once again.  

I spent this afternoon lazily perusing the internet as the weather outside is insane, however rather than trolling through online movies and netflix type sites; I found myself doing research.  What exactly is his medical condition, what are the challenges, are they things I could handle, are they things any normal person could handle?  Entering into any kind of relationship with this guy would be like stepping into the path of a volcano... There is no happy ending. Vesuvius will blow, and the only question is how much of the land it will destroy on it's way.  

I can't believe I am thinking this way.  I genuinely can't, and it makes my mind twirl and spin in confusion, but I somehow feel like I need him.  I don't care about anything else.  I mean, I do, but all I can think of is that sometimes in this world you stumble upon someone and it is meant to be.  Like magnets.  In my entire life, I've only once before felt like this and he was my first love, the guy who healed me.  The only person who has ever healed me.  I just can't shake thinking that this person, this guy, has somehow fallen into my life to do the same.  

I can pretend all I like, but every piece of me believes in serendipity... It blows like the wind, and I can't help but feel the breeze on my face.  

I wish I knew what was going on in his head.  Is it possible for me to be feeling like this without him feeling the same?  I feel quite possibly insane. Madness has taken over, but he is on my mind ALL the time.  All the time and I haven't even sat in the same room as him.  (and before you start thinking he could be anyone... He is most definitely who he said he is... the link he sent me had many pictures and videos).

I'm not attracted to or drawn to him because there aren't other offers on the table.  There are, and they are persistently so.  I just... I've clicked and when I click, my whole world implodes.  I've taken total leave of my senses.

I hope this doesn't end with my heart in a pile of dust on the floor.

Kodaline - What It Is

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Cilla... I know you are reading this

Cold Water Cleaning My Wounds

Today didn't really go to plan.  Not even a little.

Last night my date (let's call him Mr Helicopter) was being a little evasive.  You know me, I rarely take a back seat when something is biting at my brain, so I called him out on it.  He told me he wasn't sure he could meet me today and then shortly after he called and we spoke on the phone.  I could have talked to him for hours.  He told me a little about his life and slowly the dots started to join, but before a line formed we bid each other goodnight.  He told me he had a doctors appointment in the morning and travelling from his city to mine for us to meet for our date would be dependent on what time he got away.  I told him my instincts were telling me there was more to him than he was letting on and he replied by telling me he had been broken by someone before and he would never do that to someone else.  I fell asleep nervous and excited.

We whattsapped back and forth a few times this morning and then early afternoon he sent me a message telling me he was about to give me my 'get out of jail card'.  I wasn't sure what he meant until a link popped up on my screen.  

I knew a few things about Mr Helicopter already, things that would normally make me shy away (he has a 7yr old for example); but as I've said, there was something about him.  I knew he had completed a marathon and had undertaken a few other charity fundraiser activities.  What I didn't know, until this morning at least... Mr Helicopter has a pretty serious, life changing, never going to go away, medical condition and the fundraising was for that relevant charity.  He had sent me a link to tell me, so I could make up my mind if I wanted to venture on our planned first date.  I was taken back.  He was yet again showing me his open hand.  No smoke, no veils, just a guy holding open his life's hand for me to step inside and take a peek.  

The link took me to a facebook page that also linked to a blog he had completed a few journal entries for.  I had just been handed his equivalent of this blog.  I had no idea what to do.  When someone reveals their whole self do you need to do the same in return, even if you aren't ready?

I had 100s of questions running round my head, none of which I was going to ask.  My instincts were right, but who could have predicted.  I had somehow stumbled upon someone who was more like me than he could know.  I had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing but I felt I owed it to myself to find out and so I told him he could keep his get out of jail free card, and to text me when he knew what time we were to meet. 

Shortly after Mr Helicopter text to tell me his doctors appointment had taken it out of him and he couldn't face the train journey through to meet me.  I was unexpectedly crushed.  quiet hot tears fell down my face.

I had been asked out by two other guys this weekend, both of which seem to want to bend any which way I ask for us to meet and here I was feeling somehow lost. The one guy who had managed to get through my shell (and I've no idea how), a guy so inexplicably similar to me I had found an inner silence had bailed on me.  He told me his secret, I told him it didn't matter and yet there I was, the girl being stood up.  I saw it coming, I'm not sure why it surprised me but it did.  The thing is... He got under my skin. Silently, honestly and unassumingly.  The one time I let myself follow the stream of uncertainty and somehow despite everything, I still ended up with hot salty water running down my cheeks.  Why am I never the girl that someone would walk 1000 miles for?

As a final cherry of humiliation, after I had stepped away with dignity and grace I dropped my phone (a good few hours later), I hadn't realised until I heard it ringing and looked down... It was calling him!  Why him I have no idea?!  He wasn't the last person I had called or text.  I hung up quickly and sent a 'sorry dropped call' text, but it doesn't matter what I said... I now look like I was being some kind of mad psycho fake dropped call lunatic!  I don't even get to look graceful in my exit.

New dress, new shoes, new moments of feeling lost.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling the whole thing so deeply.  Perhaps because there was something about this guy that just clicked and it was the first time in a long time that I had felt that way.  I just wish I hadn't been led by the hand to be left standing hopeless in the woods.  Why do the guys who need an ego boost always pick the girls with hearts stuck together with glue and string?

I think I need to try and get some space and clear my thoughts to try and find a starting point again.  The thing is, what's the point in taking the hand of someone you know could never hurt you.  

I really wish for once that there was someone there to catch me when I tripped up.  Warm and safe and full of love.  Maybe it was for the best...

Could two birds with broken wings have held hands to learn to fly again?

Charlotte Lawrence - The Finish Line
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Autumn Magic

I love autumn!  The days draw in, the night sky seems magical and anything seems possible.  Halloween, toffee apples, fireworks, streets littered with leaves, cold noses, eskimo kisses, and magic in the air.

Tomorrow is date day.  A first step in the right direction.  Facing forward and leaving heartbreaks and troubled times behind.  It's scary.

Normally at this point the night before, I've talked myself out of going: 'He isn't quite right, I'm not quite feeling it, it isn't worth the effort, I'm not ready...' This time things are different.  A different me?  A different him? Maybe just a different time in my life.   

I can't decide what to wear!?!

I had planned on going straight from work, but I'll now be leaving from home. I'm not going to tell him this as it leaves me clothing options, although maybe too many.  Flats or heels?  Skirt or dress?  Dress or Jeans?  Should I change into casual clothes?  Should I stay in work clothes with a twist?  What if I go for heels and he wants to walk a lot?  OMG what if he wants to walk a lot and my hair turns into a birds nest?!    Should I mix it up and go dress/converse?  Is that the right image?  No, I don't think it is.

It has been quite some time since I went on a date I actually wanted to rather than me placing one foot in front of the other out of a weird sense of obligation.

Deep breaths and time to focus on the bigger picture.  I want happiness and love.  I deserve happiness and love and now is the time.  It might not be this guy, but it is someone, and he is out there the same as me, waiting for chance and fate to strike.

Gavin DeGraw - Where You Are (Sweeter)

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Goodbye Wolf, Hello Raven

Much has changed since I last posted, and yet many things have stayed the same.  

I'm back in the workplace rocking a project based role which I am hoping will be the gateway to something bigger and better come next year.  As someone who has always juggled responsibilities, I can safely say that despite the company I work for being a global organisation, I have never experienced such utter chaos. The hours are long, the light is waaaaay down the tunnel, the stress levels are high, but the people, well, the people are pretty great (for the most part).  It is taking all the gumption I have to stick it out, but I will.

Health wise, things are as to be expected, 70hr weeks are taking it out of me and I'm constantly exhausted both mentally and physically.  My arm is like a pin cushion and my foundation and cunningly chosen clothes veil the surface of my skin.  I am the girl with an unfortunately lengthy 'cold'.  My team bring me lemsip and water and I make all the right appreciative noises.

My friends... they are fantastic.  I am a truly lucky person to have so many great people in my life.  Herb and Barron celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary a few days ago and came into town.  Barron hurt his eye so had to stay home, but Herb and I rocked it old school and hit up the local Oktoberfest where we had a blast.  Clio and I regularly meet for coffee and to giggle over nonsense while putting the world to rights, and Evanescance as always is my rock.  She and I rely on each other for emotional support on a daily basis... never has a stranger friendship been formed.  

My family are doing well.  My nephews have grown so much in the last couple of years.  We are forming new lines of play and walking the delicate line between aunt/nephew and friendship.  The fact we are walking this line at all I take as a true testament to my aunty-ing skills. It is a special bond, and one I am fortunate to have made.  My eldest brother got engaged towards the end of the summer and to help mend brotherly bridges I organised a dinner. Dysfunctional as we are on paper, I don't think much could break the bonds of our family, despite the strains.  I only wish they themselves reached out once in a while.  It is strange being the youngest and yet always acting as the glue. Mum is also doing well, she has found her feet and it is beginning to feel like I have a parent again.  I think an opportunity to step up and be the strength to my weakness bizarrely acted as the final trigger in what has been a really long path.  

Love life wise I haven't really been looking.  To coin a phrase... There have been bigger fish to fry.  That doesn't however mean love hasn't been looking for me.  There have been many flirts and several opportunities have presented since I last blogged.  Most of which I have declined... some things never change.  I have found myself to be quietly confident again despite feeling uncomfortable in my own skin (a battle I will fight until my last day).  Men hotter than I, have been doing the chasing, and it has nice to feel like a commodity.  My job sees me in a highly exposed role, and my cheery disposition has served me well.  My natural mojo found itself and being back in the race has only served to sex me up.  

I joined tinder a few weeks ago with friends.  We coined a whattsapp group to share our comedy finds, potentials and to discuss our dating lives.  For once, I am not a lone girl trying to embrace fun and serendipity;  This time I am part of a trio and I couldn't be happier.  We are heading out to several events over Halloween (we all love it) and it will be the first time we have seen each other in the flesh for a few weeks, however we link in each evening like clockwork for a quick girly chat and comedy kodak comparison.  

I've a few dates over the next few weeks, and I am also meeting up with Clerk for dinner/drinks (Herb thinks there is more to our meets than either Clerk or I have realised... I think she is probably right).  There is one date however that feels different.  A guy I've talked to for a week now and for some reason is rather on my mind.  He is exceptionally open and honest in many ways, and yet I feel there is more to him than meets the eye.  I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something about him that reminds me of me and it is quite perplexing.  We are meeting for the first time in person on Friday.  He has made a point of saying he prefers to get to know someone a little before meeting so everything isn't based on first impressions... Another reason I am curious as he has been quite open, both verbally and with pictures.  As you know, I tend to like remaining closed until I know who I am talking to is who they say they are. and so after pushing a little meeting on Friday has been our 'middle ground'.

For the first time in a long time I am actually nervous for all the right reasons. Not because I am head over heels and can't see the wood for the trees, but because something I can't quite work out has unexpectedly 'clicked'.  Don't get me wrong, I could meet this guy and either one of us could call the date a lemon.  I could equally pull the usual Ser3ndipity move and decide he is a great guy, but not someone I want to pursue anything with.  I just don't think either of those things is going to happen and I can't explain why...

My instincts rarely let me down so I know there has to be more than I'm bargaining for.  If only I could pin point what it is they are currently trying to tell me.  

Mr Probz - Waves
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Green. Red. Selfish.

Every single person in this world wants something.  

Those who claim they don't are liars.

I hate the liars most of all.

Large, small, they all want a piece.  If you keep giving it away soon you'll be left with nothing.  

Shards of a person.

This place, this nothing land, this page in the land of nowhere.  

This is the place where I find myself, where I glue the pieces of me back together.  Where I somehow try to make sense of it all, safe and free in the knowledge that here I can't be judged.  

I am just words on a page, thoughts in space, no-one from no-where. 

Here is my safety net.

Here is where I stop myself from falling.

Here.

Only, if here is gone, how will I keep myself together?

How will I stop myself?

Spontaneity is my enemy.

The people who speak out loud aren't the ones you need to worry about.  I've always been certain of that.  It is the quiet ones.  The ones that stay silent.  The ones you didn't see it coming because that is exactly how we wanted it.

In control. 

No half measures.

No pieces to hand out, or justifications and explanations.

No-one to question the rationale - We don't want to hear it.

We are those who have already made plans.  Silent in our decisiveness.  

No leaning, no asking, no reaching out.  

There will be no cleaning up. 

We are the prepared.  
Documents and requests, donation lists and practicalities taken care of.  Nothing left to chance.  Silent procrastination is where we find our calm, it is where we retreat to when the hands and arms of others call out into the night. 

We go from green to red.  
We are not the amber people. 

We are the silence.

We are the selfish.

Green to red to selfish and all the while the details are taken care of yet that word remains - selfish.

Funny how that one word is usually the only thing that saves us.

I'm totally and utterly lost.

Where the fuck do I go from here?

Five years.  

One month was almost the end of it, and yet here I am, now, with five years.

Spilling words on a page, keeping things back that will never pass my lips and yet somehow finding solace.  Finding the strength I needed.

How will I cope without it?

Is it even possible?
I'm scared.

Submission

The last few days have been very eye opening for me.  The website I joined has brought many a smile to my face. 

As I've said, the place I found to test the waters isn't a dating site, you can't search for people and you can't talk about hook-ups, but you can meet similarly minded people and there are groups for fetishes and likes I didn't even know existed.  

In the last week I've made a few new friends, two of which (both girls) I'm meeting this Sunday for drinks and to plan our outfits for the upcoming 'munch' - basically a fetish and BDSM event/party.  I'm not quite sure what to expect when I get there, but the dress code is very specific and so I have a feeling it is going to be eye opening.  One of the girls I'm meeting plays roller derby (yey) and is the same age as me, the other is a seriously hot 41yr old bisexual with a wicked sense of humor.  I can't wait to just talk!  It seems odd meeting people who I have seen some very intimate pictures of, but somehow brilliant all the same.

Other than those girls, I'm talking to a some couples (yes couples), and few guys, but in the spirt of things and really to add a little adventure to the blog, I stepped into the role of an online sub for 7 days.  Along with another girl in USA we embarked on a mini adventure with a rather handsome, well educated 31yr old guy experienced in the the world of BDSM D/s.  It was a bit of a whirlwind and most definitely an insight I enjoyed; but realistically I have no desire to enter an online/cyber/long-distance anything and so to his (and her) disappointment I ended my taster session this morning.  I'm certain we will stay in touch.  So what did it entail?

• At the start of the week we were shown three submissive poses which needed to be learnt .  We also had to send a photo which showed all our lingerie.
• Each evening he would tell us which pieces of lingerie we needed to wear the next day and would suggest our clothing choices (within reason) also.
• The following morning we would both have to send 3 pictures, two in our underwear, and one clothed (each in one of the various positions). Incidentally I agreed from the start that my face would remain out of shot.  We all received a copy.
• If the pictures were met with approval we would then be given a task (these varied but were relatively innocent on my part - my sub counterpart was more of an exhibitionist and so hers were much more sexual which she enjoyed).  We are actually very much so in touch since the experience and are still exchanging snapshots.
• We chatted individually with the guy (D) but mostly as a group.  Sometimes about life, sometimes about ourselves, and sometimes about sex.

The highlight of the experience was a candid three way conversation & picture exchange that most definitely resulted in everyone achieving an orgasm.  I've yet to tick a threesome off my bucket list but I've a feeling that in this new world, if I play safe (my main priority), but keep my options open... I might just be in luck.

The lowlight of the experience was accepting a punishment that meant I couldn't orgasm for two days, but that required me to 'edge' (basically get close to orgasm and then stop) on his command.  It was sooooo hard because for the last week my sex drive has increased ten fold, so when I was permitted to allow myself to cum it was delicious.

I'm still not sure the BDSM world is where I want to be, and I'm not sure how much of my journey into that world I want to share with you bloggers at the moment, but I started a week of sex blogs telling you I was going to be more honest that your average girl, and I figured I might as well finish that week with a bang.

The video below is something I was sent this morning (by means of an 'this is how I would like things to go) by a guy who is most definitely on my radar and whose direction of choice I most definitely approve of.  We are just talking at the moment, but he is unexpectedly interesting and a Lawyer to boot.  Enjoy the clip...

Sexual Adventures

So after a few of the comments, emails (and links) following the fetish post, this little chick decided to dip her toe into the waters to discover what really makes me tick.  Anyway I checked out a few sites and did my ground work... as you do, and now I'm a fully fledged member of an online community and boy has it been eye opening!

I quickly realised (within a few mins) that in order to get the most out of the experience I was going to have to jump in with both feet - post a few pictures (and yes... some you wouldn't want your mum to see), put on a few personal details, likes, dislikes, things I'm curious about.  I went straight to the new person section and as the website I chose isn't a dating site but rather a community a lot of new people were feeling a little left out.  I on the other hand appear to have been a hit.  I'm pretty the snapshots helped.

The website is full on and there is absolutely something for everyone. Whatever you are into, what

ever floats your boat, whatever you might be curious about... there is a group for it and a discussion happening.  There are pics, videos and some seriously interesting hot topics on tho go most of the time and I have to say bloggers. I LOVE IT!

As you know I've never been particular sexually repressed, but I've a feeling give it a few months I'll be looking back at this point of my life as childsplay. I'm not promiscuous but the great thing is that the people here are up front, no bull.  If they are poly they say they are.  If they are looking for a hook up they are clear.  Mostly however people seem to be looking for 'additions' to existing relationships and/or new long-term partners for 'play'.   I'm already signed up to attend two 'munches' (meetings for people in this world), and a rope play/suspension bondage workshop.  Exciting!!

Chat wise a few pro's be them men, women or couples; seem to have enjoyed my newbie attitude enough to try and guide/educate me without wanting anything back.  Like walking, talking versions of a sexual Wikipedia.  Equally I seem to have attracted the attention of three very real life Dom's - Two into Mastery/Slavery and the third into Domination Daddy/Little Girl roleplay. Lucky me!  lol  I'm not sure being 'collared' is up my street at the moment though. Still... Nice to be asked, especially when the people doing the asking are devilishly attractive... and tall.  Yes TALL!! It appears this world contains a heap of tall men!! Why oh WHY didn't I know this before now??

I'm already embarking on a little adventure (kinky but innocent-ISH), but I will fill you in on that at a later date.

Keen to hear your thoughts!

Florence & The Machine - You've Got The Love
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Going The Distance

A few of you have emailed to ask what my take on long-distance relationships is, and while I've mentioned that I've had to embark upon the dynamic of this before, I guess I never went into detail.

When I was dating Clutz he went to Africa for four months and ultimately that time apart meant we went our separate ways after one crazy heated night the day he returned, but we were young and the distance we had endured didn't really cause the change.  Equally Mr X went on two separate, lengthy, long-distance trips during the time we were together that saw me step back into that dynamic.

My thoughts on long-distance relationships is that that they are difficult to maintain and I think those that do surf the waves to success tend to have a great in-person relationship to build upon before distance is an issue, have open communication, a sense of adventure, and ultimately, an end goal. Something that will at some point see an end to the distance where a normal relationship can resume.  Contravercial as it may seem, especially as a 21st century chick living in the age of technology... I don't think two people that start out as long-distance can really go the distance.

So... As I promised this week would be about sexual honesty, how does that fit in?

Sexting

Sending sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone.

I love sexting someone I'm in a relationship with.  I don't think it is something that is particularly healthy as a daily theme, but utilised in the right way it has the ability to juice things up.  There's nothing more I like than knowing my man is in the middle of a stressful week at work and sending an unexpected treat.  When long distance isn't a factor, this can be anything from a saucy pic or pair of panties in his suit jacket, right through to a 'at 7pm I will be at X bar drinking a French martini and wearing nothing but my coat, heels and lingerie... At 7:10 I'll have left, so work hard today ;)'  

Long distance the thresholds change slightly, and a girl tends to have to be more aggressive in her approach, but the aim is always the same - unexpected timing in the hopes that your recipient is unable to leave his desk for the next 10 mins.

Phone Sex

A sexually explicit telephone conversation engaged in for sexual gratification.

This one is slightly harder to orchestrate due to time differences, and while I think for some phone sex is an elaborate process with dirty talk and story lines... For this little chick it is the virtual equivalent of 'I need you right here and right now against this wall'.  I've never been a fan of dirty talk, I think it's like role play only forced and the amount of men that think calling a woman a degrading name as part of phone sex is a turn on is insane.  Unless you have that kind of relationship in person where pet names and verbal humiliation is part of your 'thing', then why the hell are you bringing it up when the only method at your disposal is waxing lyrical?!

No, for me bloggers phone sex is about that final moment, where you have wound each other up so irrevocably when you can't be in the same place and so the next best thing is listening to, and vocalising your final moment while the person at the other end of the line does the same.  Simple, yet effective.

Cyber Sex

Sexual arousal using computer technology, or by exchanging messages with another person via the internet.

Web-camming again, isn't really my bag.  I think because it is the visual equivalent of elaborate dirty talk so if you're dating me and expect that we will be coming up with some lengthy ploy in which we are both meant to pretend we are in the same place... Think again.    I do however think that this virtual gateway is a necessity for all things long-distance.

Conversation is key and as great as texting and phone conversations can be, the look on someones face when you tell them your latest news, flirt or that you miss them, can sometimes be all you need to feel reassured.  Equally, if my man is at the other side of the world while you won't find this little chick up for an amateur type porn exchange, a saucy striptease to show your other half that you are missing them is almost compulsary.  Get your sassy on, just don't get your bits out :p

Surprise & Delight

Finally the #1 thing to keep a long distance relationship working... Unpredictability.  

Logging in, calling or texting the same stuff each day at the same time is only going to result in a very boring and grey relationship.  Send things in post. Change the tactic.  Mix it up.  If he sends you some lingerie, you make sure that the next time you wear it, its for his pleasure next time you talk.  If she sends you a kinky text at lunch... snap a pic and show her how turned on you are.

Long distance relationships have such a high failure rate so my advice if you are contemplating the possibility is to ask yourself one simple question 'Am I prepared to get a little adventurous, embrace my spontaneous side, and put in the work and are they willing to do the same'.  If you can't answer both with a firm yes... Don't even try.

Goldfrapp - Ooh La La

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