Magnetic

Why is it that in life, advice is much easier to hand out than to take... even if it's your own.

My heart always has, and always will, rule my head.  I am a slave to it.  The child of romantics (my parents met on a blind date).  Someone who will search for love for an eternity.  One small sparkle is all it takes and crash, bang, whollop, I lose all sense.

The last two days I've had several texts from two differing guys I've been speaking to.  The first an acute medical registrar well on his way to being a consultant.  Great job, nice house, exceptionally nice car and zero baggage. The second a hotelier with a flare for the romantic and a willingness to squash any barrier I put in place.  Both these men are what most women would consider a catch.  Successful, smart, charming, and very interested... I however don't seem to be one of them.

I can't quite kick the lingering thoughts of Mr Helicopter.  Thoughts that are making me question my sanity, I mean come on!  A guy who wants to be with you makes it happen and doesn't cancel your first date without straight away organising another right?!

I heard from Mr Helicopter the same night he cancelled our date.  We spoke on the phone and he told me he absolutely wanted to take me on a date, and had found me pleasantly confident in my approach to being let down.  I don't get what it is.  The sense inside me keeps telling me to cut and run.  Get out of there.  He comes with a heap of baggage and he is either full of spin, or he is pushing hard to see if I will run.  Ironically, normally I would have been like Ussain Bolt.  He is under my skin.

I don't get it.  I've never met him... Sure we have spoken and yes, there are things about him that are charming and enigmatic, but there are many things about him that are so so far from what I am looking for.  Yet here I am... Blogging about him once again.  

I spent this afternoon lazily perusing the internet as the weather outside is insane, however rather than trolling through online movies and netflix type sites; I found myself doing research.  What exactly is his medical condition, what are the challenges, are they things I could handle, are they things any normal person could handle?  Entering into any kind of relationship with this guy would be like stepping into the path of a volcano... There is no happy ending. Vesuvius will blow, and the only question is how much of the land it will destroy on it's way.  

I can't believe I am thinking this way.  I genuinely can't, and it makes my mind twirl and spin in confusion, but I somehow feel like I need him.  I don't care about anything else.  I mean, I do, but all I can think of is that sometimes in this world you stumble upon someone and it is meant to be.  Like magnets.  In my entire life, I've only once before felt like this and he was my first love, the guy who healed me.  The only person who has ever healed me.  I just can't shake thinking that this person, this guy, has somehow fallen into my life to do the same.  

I can pretend all I like, but every piece of me believes in serendipity... It blows like the wind, and I can't help but feel the breeze on my face.  

I wish I knew what was going on in his head.  Is it possible for me to be feeling like this without him feeling the same?  I feel quite possibly insane. Madness has taken over, but he is on my mind ALL the time.  All the time and I haven't even sat in the same room as him.  (and before you start thinking he could be anyone... He is most definitely who he said he is... the link he sent me had many pictures and videos).

I'm not attracted to or drawn to him because there aren't other offers on the table.  There are, and they are persistently so.  I just... I've clicked and when I click, my whole world implodes.  I've taken total leave of my senses.

I hope this doesn't end with my heart in a pile of dust on the floor.

Kodaline - What It Is

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Cilla... I know you are reading this