Work... or fate got in the way of Friday's plans.
Marine ended up having to work late and so rather than wait around I made other plans. When he suggested we meet on Saturday instead I told him I already had plans (a date) and told him he would have to work on his technique if he was hoping to catch butterflies. I had to pop into work to pick something up from my locker before meeting Clerk yesterday, I was dressed to impress and it didn't go unnoticed. Marine spotted me and told me I looked stunning.
And then there was Clerk...
I met him off the bus and giggled as we hugged hello as he has been embracing 'movember' and had grown a beard. It prickled against my cheek, but not as much as it might have. We chatted and meandered through the crowds as we made our way to the Christmas market. After looking around he suggested we should go and grab a bite. I guided us away from the crowds of the centre of town and we found ourselves in a South American fusion place. He ordered a bottle of wine and we fell into our usual routine, catching up, laughing and enjoying each others company. We stayed a couple of hours and I suggested we go somewhere else for a drink. I took us to a bar a stumbled upon a few weeks ago - twinkly lighting, relaxed vibe and a small stage where an acoustic set is regularly played. A bar I had weeks ago decided would be a good date venue... but this wasn't a date was it?
We talked about 101 things, religion, marriage, kids, living together, magic, the theatre, music, movies, dating... everything and anything as we sipped on glass after glass of wine. We were seated beside each other on bar stools rested against a long central table. At some point I asked what time his bus back was and he advised he had already missed it. There was a train in 45mins he told me, I asked if we should order another bottle or not, we did. Not long after we started chatting to a guy and a girl who were out as friends. Shots bought and an order of something blue on the top shelf that had caught our eye and it is safe to say we were rather tipsy. We reminisced over days past when we would place 'bets' against each other, the loser having to complete a dare. New bets made we decided we would create a facebook poll asking whether he should keep (he wins) or shave (I win) the beard. The loser to complete a dare of the others selection (For him: To juggle as a busker for a set period of time - 18mins - during next year's summer festival. For me: To sing/play a song on my guitar on the same stretch of road in the same festival). We were as we always are, old friends enjoying the ease at which we interact. Smiling and relaxed.
I'm not sure when or how things changed, but all of a sudden his fingers were entwined with mine. I needed to pinch myself but I couldn't, so I squeezed instead. Friends could accidentally hold hands right? but to squeeze and to have them squeezed back could/would mean something else? My logic wasn't exactly solid, but it seemed logical at the time so I did it. He looked into my eyes and squeezed back. I had no idea what to do, where to look, what to say. What did it mean? Before I knew it our lips had found each other, his tongue was stroking mine and there I was... In a bar, his hands entwined against mine and his lips pressed firm yet gentle against mine. We kissed.
I never thought this moment would happen, I mean I've wondered but I was never going to make a move and he well... Clerk doesn't do things like that. I could never have been sure how I would feel... Would it feel like kissing a brother? There had always been that danger. It didn't. I was so lost in the moment and so taken back by the whole thing. What did it mean? What does it mean?
He had told me as our last round of shots came that he was going to stay at my apartment and I smiled in agreement. There was no undertone. He isn't that kind of guy, and I am not that kind of girl. It was always going to be a possibility and my sofa was his anytime he needed it. He told me he couldn't drink anymore and I was feeling the same too. We grabbed our jackets and headed outside. I have no idea why, but as we were holding hands (I think we were holding hands) I kept asking him the question 'really?' I then asked him as the taxi pulled up if we were going to pretend it had never happened. I have no idea what was going on in my head.
Guys don't kiss girls unless they want to. Clerk certainly didn't have a habit of kissing random girls. I felt like I had to build up a wall and I don't know why... I told him he had kissed me and he needed to decide whether we were going to pretend it hadn't happened by the time the cab pulled up by my place. When it did, he told me he was going to ask it to take him home... 60miles away. I asked him if he was serious and he looked at me sadly and said yes. I don't know what happened.
What has happened?
I don't know how I feel. I don't want to lose my friend, lose being able to hang out like we do, being able to joke and jest with him without him thinking everything has an agenda. Have him think I've always been waiting for him, for this. Who kissed who? How did it happen? Was it conscious? Did he think about it before his fingers found mine? Was it drunken or was it something that was always going to be?
I haven't heard from him today. I sent him a looooooooooooooong message after his cab drove off. He saw it an hour later (whattsapp is a dangerous tool), and when I woke this morning he had logged back in at 5ish am so I am assuming he read it again. He hasn't been online since and I whole heartedly wish I had dealt with the whole thing differently. I can't change things now though.
I may have lost a friend. I don't want to lose him.
The thing is... was it a drunken mistake?
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