Green. Red. Selfish.

Every single person in this world wants something.  

Those who claim they don't are liars.

I hate the liars most of all.

Large, small, they all want a piece.  If you keep giving it away soon you'll be left with nothing.  

Shards of a person.

This place, this nothing land, this page in the land of nowhere.  

This is the place where I find myself, where I glue the pieces of me back together.  Where I somehow try to make sense of it all, safe and free in the knowledge that here I can't be judged.  

I am just words on a page, thoughts in space, no-one from no-where. 

Here is my safety net.

Here is where I stop myself from falling.

Here.

Only, if here is gone, how will I keep myself together?

How will I stop myself?

Spontaneity is my enemy.

The people who speak out loud aren't the ones you need to worry about.  I've always been certain of that.  It is the quiet ones.  The ones that stay silent.  The ones you didn't see it coming because that is exactly how we wanted it.

In control. 

No half measures.

No pieces to hand out, or justifications and explanations.

No-one to question the rationale - We don't want to hear it.

We are those who have already made plans.  Silent in our decisiveness.  

No leaning, no asking, no reaching out.  

There will be no cleaning up. 

We are the prepared.  
Documents and requests, donation lists and practicalities taken care of.  Nothing left to chance.  Silent procrastination is where we find our calm, it is where we retreat to when the hands and arms of others call out into the night. 

We go from green to red.  
We are not the amber people. 

We are the silence.

We are the selfish.

Green to red to selfish and all the while the details are taken care of yet that word remains - selfish.

Funny how that one word is usually the only thing that saves us.

I'm totally and utterly lost.

Where the fuck do I go from here?

Five years.  

One month was almost the end of it, and yet here I am, now, with five years.

Spilling words on a page, keeping things back that will never pass my lips and yet somehow finding solace.  Finding the strength I needed.

How will I cope without it?

Is it even possible?
I'm scared.