It is strange that I'm living in chaos at the moment and yet life doesn't seem to be moving. Somehow however, in the depths of this blurry mess, things have become crystal clear.
Work wise I'm still turning the cogs and hoping something is going to give. Friday brought a whole new low that saw me plough through yet more rejection letters right before embarking upon another 'I just can't believe you haven't found something yet' conversation. A conversation that ultimately tipped the delicate balance and saw me having a total meltdown... in public. However just as I had walked away, eyes full of tears and face all read and blotchy; as I was running home amid a world of hurt and hopelessness, there was old lady. She stopped me by grabbing my arm and asking if I was ok. I lied of course, allergies was my response, but she knew... her face was kind as she squeezed my arm, gave me a smile ,and went on her way. Thank you.
Friendship wise, a few people have also really surprised me this last week. Each knowing I'm stubborn and full of pride, they have all found cunning ways of creeping in past the barriers and extending a helping hand; the kind of hand that you didn't see coming and is presented in such a way that there is no yes/no, just five fingers right in front of you, just there, ready to grab hold of. Mercury, Evanessence, Herb and Baron, somehow finding ways to let me know they are there at the time when little do they realise, I need them most. Quintessential timing. Thankyou.
Love life wise, I said yes to a date at the weekend. Meeting someone new is the last thing on my list of priorities at the moment, but I figured a good flirt could be just the thing to lift my mood. It was a guy that has messaged me a few times on a music site (a social network specifically set aside to meet and chat to people about bands, albums, ride shares, gigs etc. Not a dating site). The guy had posted a comment about an upcoming album, I responded, and upon reading he suggested he take me on a coffee date to talk some more. I figured why not. He was cute, and it was nice to chat, but when it came down to it, despite our common taste in music, he had the personality of a brick. Unfortunately he seemed to think it went well and so I had to send the 'not gonna happen' text yesterday. Also, my magnet for attracting 'the wrong sort' is still in operation it seems as this past weekend both El Dempasso and one other guy - the one I told you I caught up with at Herb & Barons wedding (who have girlfiends/wives) have both made pretty inappropriate moves. As usual, I didn't bite and was pretty stern in my response. Hopefully this time, so much so that there isn't a repeat performance.
The thing is, of late, a few people have questioned my 'fussy' nature in terms of dating, and when several people all start singing the same song it kinda makes sense to take another look. I'm glad I did. I looked. I looked some more, and then I realised... The few people that I know that are genuinely happy in their relationships have never once questioned why I don't want to go on a second date with someone; why I date a lot but get into relationships infrequently, or why I don't give someone 'another chance' once I've already ruled them out. Nor have they ever suggested I should I should lower my standards. No. The only people that have ever suggested I 'pop the fairytale notions' are the ones that are either too scared to put themselves out there, or the ones that did; aren't happy with their decision, and are too scared to move on.
The truth is bloggers, I might have an idea of who or what I'm looking for, and yes, that 'list' might be difficult to find, but I'm not asking for perfection. I know that relationships take a lot of work and that love can sometimes be found in the most unexpected places; but at the same time, why shouldn't I get to chose what that looks like.
I'm absolutely willing to sail the seas of compromise once I've made the decision to be with someone, but that doesn't mean I have to change who I want to be with in the first instance. So... I've looked, I've questioned, and then just for good measure I deliberated some more, and you know what... I decided I deserve everything I want. Yes I might be single, and hell, you don't have to tell me that finding someone 'right' is going to be difficult, but being single isn't half as bad as being stuck with someone that isn't right for you; and it certainly isn't worse that living with blinkers, living a lie where either I or my significant other are looking for opportunities to cheat/gain gratification elsewhere. So for making me question, and in doing so making me realise that I decidedly have it right, Thank you.
When you think you've hit rock bottom and begin to climb only for life to hand you another fat, sour lemon, its pretty easy to miss some of the glimmers of hope. Its also pretty difficult to find the head space you need when (for me at least) that is underwater, completely alone, and your budget no longer stretches to gym/pool membership. But, if you look, and I mean truly look; past all the drama, all the crap, and all the white noise... you'll find them. Little snippets. Things and people to be thankful for. Thankful that you have things to be thankful for, and thankful that despite it all, you still have your own sense of self. An understanding that regardless of everything else you are still standing, and that the only person in your race, is you.
Now if someone could just hand me a years membership to the private pool close to my apartment so I could find those glimmers a little easier, that would be great :p
The Weepies - World Spins Madly On
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