Grown-Up Things

Tomorrow is the 1st of Feb and my birthday is firmly in sight.  I'm starting to get all the birthday 'feels' and no, I'm not talking cake, balloons and parties.  For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while you'll know this time of year is one filled with dread and danger for this little chick.  I'm pretty certain nothing will land as horrifically as my 30th, but 4 days to go and I've already got that sinking feeling.

Thirty-four.  34.  Thirty-four and while I have a lot to be thankful for (some really solid friends, a family who loves me, a lovely apartment, two fluff balls who make me smile even on the darkest of days, and a job - a job I need to leave before I go insane, and a boss that drives me mad, but a job that allows me to pay the bills).  When I look at it all though, there is a huge gaping hole.  I really want a family.

This last few months, well, since the whole 'thing' actually, I've been feeling it.  I really want children.  I've always known I did, but with time and life ticking away, the possibility is fading into the distance so quickly now I'm way past starting to think it might never happen for me.  I think I'd make a good mum, but I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to find out...

My body is starting to give me one final kick I think.  I've had a significant period of ovulation (yes I know this sounds icky but suck it up buttercups) each time the last few months.  Babies and my flirtation with the possible has been in my dreams/nightmares for weeks now.  The thing is... It isn't something I can control or make happen myself.  I can't just go out and buy a baby like a car, I can't make a family by myself.

Miles and I were talking over this the other day and he mentioned on my birthday I'll only be 24hours older than the day before.  It was a sweet thing to say, and it did make me smile; but he doesn't get it.  He is a man, he has kids, and he will never know what it feels like to have that empty feeling deep inside.  He told me I could borrow his anytime I wanted and I would soon change my mind (he was joking of course, his kids are beautiful, he loves them dearly, and I am most definitely not on the meet and greet list). It was sweet, but he couldn't have been any more wrong.  I can't think of anything I would want more in this whole wide world than to have a family.  He probably factors into that ideal.  I'm not so sure he would ever have had the same thoughts about me.

Valentines day is playing on my mind a little.  Every time I think I might know where Miles and I are, or that we will talk things through and find our way; something changes and I'm left with no clue at all.  I keep wondering what our 'skype date' on Valentines means to him... Is it a mate date?  I hadn't thought it was, but as much as we are talking, I still feel like if we are testing the water, there is a huge element missing atm.   

I keep wondering if he will send me a Valentines card.  I figure if he does, then I'll know a little more.  I'll see it all a little clearer.  The thing is, if he doesn't, I'll be sooooooooo much more confused.  Should I send one?  What if I do and he doesn't?? I know gifts and things given his financial situation and our current state/place isn't really the right approach, but I keep thinking... for the price of a stamp, and the knowledge that he would have to face a few challenges of his own head on to get a card to me... I would know.

Is it so wrong that all I want in the whole wide world right now is to be loved (by him), and to have a family.  I don't even care that the picture perfect image I used to have would be a million miles from the reality.  I could quite happily be the one that goes out to work, and I would more than happily embrace the shark infested custard of a 'blended' family.  I see all he misses out on and I sometimes catch myself thinking things I shouldn't, words I can never say, thoughts I should never have... other than on this page, in this blog, when there's just me, you, and the knowledge that my inner most thoughts (the ones no-one every says out loud) have been exhaled into the atmosphere, and as mental as they sound, I'm safe because they're anonymous. I think about he and I in a house, a place of our own, somewhere he can have and see his kids as much as he wants because I would support that in any way/shape I could, and for us to have a family of our own... one where he could be involved every day, see his child grow up right before his eyes, where we could take all our strengths and knowledge and see an amazing little person take all the best parts of him, all the best parts of me and bring something special to the world.

I realise how utterly insane that makes me sound.  *sigh

Back on planet reality I'll just do the only thing that can be done... Chin up, head high, and a fake smile painted on my face.  One day, someday, if I'm lucky, the smile will be real.

Tick Tock.  Tick Tock

Gabrielle Aplin - Alive

click for soundtrack

Flights & Forgotten Dates

I feel like my life has been on fast forward this last week, and I can't deny that I'm feeling hopeful and am loving it.

Miles and I are... well, we are somewhere.  I've no idea where that is as my mind changes on a daily basis, but I think (hope) it is a good place. (the one word I mentioned that would tell me everything I needed to know is still firmly missing... Roomie however somehow got thrown into the mix... I think it was a joke??) He last night mentioned he may have the opportunity to fly from his island to mine.  I'm unsure if that is an opportunity he will/feels he can take, but I am hoping he takes a leap of faith.  I'm also taking a leap and have booked flights to go and see/stay with him over Easter.  It would be nice if both fell into place.  

The legal documents for my new car are being signed tomorrow so by Monday I should driving my shiny new tin can on wheels by Monday - I had better dust off my schmooze again this evening to drive down some insurance quotes.  I think I should be able to knock a 3rd off the current 'best price' if I really go to work.

Work... well, surprisingly after my direct conversations ahead of Christmas I think My boss and I might have found some kind of professional plateau.  I've a feeling it won't last, but for now while things are still direct and we circle like two wild animals ready to pounce at any time, we somehow seem to be making it work.  I'm currently pending finances for a couple of projects I need her to drive forward so the next 48 hours will tell me if I spoke too quickly and the pretense we are both working hard to maintain cracks.

In bizzare news, I was in the canteen conducting a meeting this afternoon (yes, the canteen!  There was a distinct lack of board/meeting rooms and needs must), and I sensed I was being stared out.  You know that feeling you get, when you can just sense that someone is looking in your direction.  A few quick glances and I found the culprit... Someone who looked familiar.  

I would love to tell you the sudoname of the person in question (yes bloggers, he has indeed featured), but I somehow can't seem remember *oops.  It was someone I met during my dating phase... ((older, had a 12yr old, highly successful in a company I had previously worked for although our paths had never crossed during our time there, exceptionally financially stable, quietly kinky as discovered on our first date, motorbike rider... do you remember the one?)) Well... I was almost certain it was him, but given the situation I couldn't exactly walk over and check.  I did however find myself receiving a message on LinkedIn a couple of hours later and you've got it, I was right.  

It seems for the next six months we will be working in the same building and are likely to bump into each other on a regular basis.  His message evaded the fact we had both clearly seen each other '...I've taken a contract working for your company and am based in xxx on the lower ground, are you still working for xxx in the building?'  Smart.  I would have evaded the awkward 'I was staring at someone that looks just like you this lunchtime' chat too lol!  Anyway, he has suggested we meet for lunch/go for a coffee.  I've passed a speculative message back picking a little at his new role/possible connections.  This little chick only has one guy in her sights at the moment, but a potentially lucrative career connection could be just the thing.  Yes bloggers, I'll be certain to play this one tactically.  #wolf

Foo Fighters - The Pretender

Click for soundtrack

Boom

I had to address someone in my team for insubordination and unprofessional behavior this morning at work... nightmare!  I knew it had to be done, but that didn't make it any less stressful.  That said, after a few key words from Miles last night telling me I was right to knock her back in line, I was primed and ready when she walked in at ten to eight.

Scroll forward fifteen minutes and despite the fact I have now lost all moisture in my face and have had to pull her back into line six or seven times since sitting down, it appeared I had her on the back foot.  I swear someone had stuck cotton balls in my mouth.  My tongue was sticking to the sides of my mouth and I was sure she was going to make mention of it, but I kept on.  'Your behavior is unacceptable and to be clear, this is the last time we shall be having this conversation, do you understand', 'I'm your manager and while you can absolutely question or challenge because that makes for a productive work environment, your behavior yesterday was completely unacceptable and it will not be tolerated',  'This isn't a social environment, it is work, and you will do well to remember that, the next time you stand over my desk and raise your voice you'll be collecting your P45'.  I also gave 'the look' with the last one.  The look that says 'be grateful I adhere to a professional standard, because if you came at me like that out of the office I would have slammed your face into the nearest wall before you saw me coming'.  I must have held my own well.  Little miss aggression apologised and even looked a little tearful.   Viva the cotton mouth me!!

My reward... a text from the finance company late afternoon to advise I've got a big green tick in the box that says 'new car'.  Hurrah!!!! No more driving to work in a goldfish bowl on wheels!  No more spending weekends in the rain, cutting my hands playing at mechanic!  Whoop!

In other news I've also found a job worth applying for.  It was advertised on LinkedIn, and of course I did the usual 'click button' approach, however not one to stand at the back of the crowd when I have my mojo rockin', I made moves to ensure I am a shoe in.  A few emails later and I managed to track down both the internal recruiter and the head of the department.  Click-click-click and a few moments later my schoozy emails are on their way.  Rock on 24hrs and I've a direct line, my CV has passed hands, and I'm pretty confident I'm a shoe-in for an interview.  Boom!

This girl is truckin'

Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade

click for soundtrack

24

What a difference a day makes...

It happened.  I was on the phone to Miles, and then unexpectedly there it was.  He brought up the trip, the confusions, the feelings... the ending.  I didn't see it coming at all.

We spoke for around twenty minutes, and this time, he held court.  It has been the first time I've seen him take control (about this subject) since we first started talking and he asked me out all those months ago.  It was cathartic.  Don't get me wrong, I think there are still things left unsaid, but it was just so so nice to hear him actually talk about where we left things.  I finally felt like I hadn't been going mad, and it was comforting to know he had been thinking it over too.

Things were left rather open ended, and I don't really know where we go from here, but I somehow feel a little more relaxed.  I wish I could tell you that there's a clear path from here on in, that I know where I'm going, that things are a little less grey than when I blogged a few days ago with the Valentines day dilemma, but I can't.  What I can say however, is that I hope he talks to me a little more in the next few days, and I can continue to try and listen... Then I guess we will see where we are at.  I can't quite seem to get the words out on this one, and I'm not sure I'm making any sense at all, so I'll try a different approach (it might help me figure things out in the process).

• He said we met amid a whirlwind of sexual desire and kink and that when we had met that had been different.  He said he feels different now, like we connect on a personality and intellectual way.  He used the word 'fancy' a few times which made me smile (and chuckle a little), but it was very unclear if he meant it in the context of then or the then and the now.
• He said he thought being with someone who was your best friend could be the perfect thing.  He didn't however say if he felt this would be un-sexual or a compromise (I wouldn't want to be a compromise)
• Not once did he tell me he thought I was pretty or beautiful or attractive.  It wasn't like he was making a point of saying I'm not (I wouldn't think that of him), but it was unusual that physical attraction and/or sexual attraction didn't seem to factor in at all when he was explaining the here and the now
• I finally managed to try and vocalise how I felt about the sexual mis-adventure we encountered.  I'm not sure I did a great job, and I'm not sure he understood what I was trying to say, but I tried and I am pleased I did.  
• Should I have told him everything?
• Does this all mean he doesn't see me as attractive?
• Is Valentines a date?
• I told him that with him I feel safer
• He told me that with me he feels more confident
• Why bring it all up now? 
• Was he trying to say we are different but that he still sees us as something worth fighting for
• There were a lot of things said, but nothing was so clear that I could work out in what context he was talking.  Was it all about purging the past, or were we talking about the future?  I had no idea.
• I'm glad I let him talk and didn't say too much back (or at least I hope I didn't... for once).

I'm pretty certain this is a post I'll re-write again tomorrow.  For the time being, night bloggers!

ps:  Car finance screwed me in the ass!  This little chick needs to go back to the drawing board, and maybe get my rollerskates on.

Everything Changes

Sometimes there's a gentle breeze, and before you realise, everything has changed.

I bought a car this weekend.  Not a second hand 'new for me' one as planned, but a new car.  I took a work friend (I've alluded to her before but let's give her a name this time around - Purple), and she was brilliant!  She wasn't phased by the sales men, she didn't flinch when they tried to bamboozle, and more importantly, she was the perfect bad cop in our ying/yang approach which resulted in this little chick walking away with a slow (budget won out on the want vs needs chart), but perfectly spec'd run about that in the next 24hours will be confirmed as all mine.  Let's hope the finance fairies are on my side.  Given I've never made a large purchase on credit, and I move like the wind changes, my credit score has never been fantastic, however I'm hoping for this type of purchase I firmly sit into the 'good bet' category.  If not... Well, it's back to the drawing board.  I drove to the supermarket this morning on a seat only fit for goldfish and ducks.  While it amuses me, I'm pretty sure a wet patch on my bum isn't really going to go with the suited and booted look this week.

There's also been another significant change over the last few days too (one I think I've been pretty careful not to misread).  Miles and I are still talking a lot.  His dog had to be put to sleep last week and he was distraught.  He was such a gorgeous pup, and at times when he was at his lowest, his trigger to lift his head up and face the day.  Miles seemed lost, and I felt his pain in my stomach like an ache I had no idea how to remove.  It's really hard to be there for someone when you can't just jump in the car and appear at their door with a warm smile and a hug.  I tried my best.  I'm not sure I helped.

Either way, he and I spent the last couple of nights falling asleep talking to each other (two blissful nightmare free nights), giggling over silly things like we did right at the start, and today, I felt like we were somehow getting to know each other again.  I can't quite explain the how or the why, but somehow, somewhere, something is different.

While we were chatting last night Valentines day popped into the conversation.  I can't remember the exact flow of words, but a mention of having nothing planned saw him make the suggestion we should have a 'skype date' like we had in the past.  Dinner, drinks and a virtual across the table.  Given the date of the suggestion I was a little taken back and so made a flirtatious joke that he had asked me on a date.  He laughed back and agreed he had.  It wasn't enough.  I had misunderstood before it seems (our recent conversation saw the effects of that), and so I pushed a little asking if he had just asked me on a 'date date', he took my comment well (*phew), and confirmed that he had.

I think Miles just asked me on a date?  He did right?  I mean, I know I joked, and I know it could have been a little awkward, but surely he would have said 'yeah friends keeping each other sane on Valentines day' or something like that rather than a 'yes, a date, date' response.  Right???

I so hope I've got it right.  Don't get me wrong, I mean what I say when I tell you that I want to be there for him and have him in my life regardless, and that I would try to find a way to make the same connection as friends for visits/calls etc.  My heart wants the whole thing though.  All of him, and all of me, fading into one hot mess before rising up so strong, life would have to keep a lookout.

There seem to be quite a few signs suggesting that he isn't that far away from where I am.  I've taken 100 steps back, and he seems to have taken a few forward.  Could we somehow have found ourselves on the same page, contemplating if we walked away before giving something a go?  Is anything different now?  Am I kidding myself?  I did ask the date question... what we aren't on the same page and I end up hurting him and myself by getting it wrong?  Could he have suggested a date when there haven't been flirtatious texts?  Could it be that he is as uncertain of the situation as I am?  Am I wrong to see a glimmer of magic?  

It's funny how something as small as one word can tell you everything you need to know.  One word can put the world right again.  One word can leave your soul smiling and lift all the troubles in the world from your shoulders.  I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong.  It's 'babygirl'.

One weekend and the winter breeze seems to have lifted me gently and placed me somewhere familiar yet different.  Finance pending, Valentines plans, and one huge unexpected (but hopeful) question mark.

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

click for soundtrack

Frozen for a moment

Have you ever had an encounter where it feels like someone is reading your mind?

I've just had a moment like that.  It's a little unsettling and unveils a lot of hidden emotion when it comes unexpectedly.  I feel... overwhelmed.

When someone reaches inside and throws a question right at the core of the place your mind has been whirling and twirling for weeks / months, it's like time stands still and in that moment a thousand hours pass; and then with a flicker, it's gone.  I felt like there was a 'somewhere' today, a 'something', but before I could get my head around it all to process... The conversation had been taken away as soon as it had started.

I now have the same things whirling round and round in my head, only its all so fast and filled with emotion I don't stand a chance of getting things to process.  What am I dreaming about, what defines a date, (why didn't he ask if it wasn't,  and why was I stupid enough to think otherwise), when did I become a girlfriend again,  does that mean it was a break-up?  Was there a break-up?  There was a point where I was a girlfriend? What???

I've gone from a something to a 'we said we were starting from scratch when you got here so we are just friends', to a dating, then non-dating, and now I was somehow a girlfriend again?  I am spinning. Hot tears running down my face,  a million unanswered questions, and a scream dying to get out from so deep inside I can feel it in my stomach.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, it seems like everything needs a label so I don't misread the situation.  Where does that leave things?  I feel like I would need to ask for the intent/definition of things so not to make a complete and total ass of myself again.  Is that how things are meant to be?  Am I so wrong in just listening to my gut and trusting other people will do the same, letting things flow and letting my heart lead me any which way it likes because... How wrong can your heart go?

I'm in pieces.  Tonight things have either just turned all the way right, or all the way wrong, and I've no idea which, and no idea how I'm supposed to know when it seems my compass in this situation always fucks up.

Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain

Click for Soundtrack

To Unleash or not to Unleash?

I've revamped my CV this evening.  I now have the 2016 'employ me because I am fab' Ser3ndipity document and it will be winging its way to a blue chip company near you in the not so distant future. I know a few of you readers have sent my account emails in the past with job details and contact names so feel free to dust those off and link this chick up as my weekend is already planned:

Saturday:  Car dealerships and a push up bra.  Yes you heard me.  I might look doe-eyed and innocent but accompany that with some fantastic cleavage and a shrewd negotiation tactic and I'm convinced I'll be able to knock a few grand off 'the best offer'.

Sunday:  Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.  You've heard of Debbie does Dallas right, well this is going to be Ser3ndipity does Jobsite lol.  I've gained my work mojo back and slice it any way you like, I'm currently overworked and significantly underpaid so if I pull back on the overworked part and put some of that energy into 'the hunt', then I should be walking home with a fatter pay cheque in no time :)

Next week it's the local munch.  I'm wondering if I should dip my toes back in?  I don't really feel motivated to get back into the scene, but then I'm thinking I need to just DO something.  Miles made comment when we were talking earlier that he has never been on a date... wow.  In the words of my mum 'what was I, chop liver'?  Our phone conversation also finished really abruptly and left me feeling a little miffed for want of a better word.  I know this seems like a contradiction in terms considering the last blog, but things really are so far from where we were... As much as I would like to think there might be a way back, comments like that make me think otherwise.  I wonder if I would even be talked of as anything other than remote friend if someone new in his life asked?  I guess that's something I'll never know.

So should I?  I'm still not feeling dating, and I can't think of anything I would rather do less than look to find someone my kinky match at the moment, but a few shibari classes and a giggle among some potential new friends... that could be fun right?

This last few days I've been insanely horny.  I'm not sure if the one decent night's sleep on Saturday was the trigger (unfortunately last night saw me back to the same theme, same horrific reality), but I have been like a kitty on a hot tin roof the last few days.  Switched on, turned up, and wearing a halo all the while.  I think the darker side of me was so ripe for the plucking and melted in a world of sexual disaster (if only I had gone with my instincts rather than trying to please) when I was on my trip that she went into hiding for a while, but no more it seems.  Yes, maybe the munch might be a good idea...  

The Verve - Lucky Man

click for soundtrack

Magnets

I haven't exactly set the world on fire this weekend.  It's January, my bank account is firmly in the red, and on Friday Spunky (my car) got a flat.  Needless to say my weekend started with a bang, but not the usual kind.

I've spent a lot of my weekend pottering about the apartment (with the exception of a quick trip to the shops for food and a tyre change this afternoon), and it has been lovely.  I had the first nightmare free sleep in god knows how long (weeks!) last night thanks to a relaxing evening in front of the TV, vanilla candles, and good conversation.  I'm pretty certain the fact I fell asleep talking to Miles and we stayed on the phone through the night, sleeping together virtually (as we used to do almost every night) somehow permeated and broke the darkness that tends to creep in when I've drifted off to sleep. I woke feeling refreshed, and calm.  I wish I could fall asleep that way every night.

The cousin I told you about the other day, the one that isn't getting married... well he got engaged today.  I guess I will be the only single family member at the gathering in August after all.  Do I need to be?  Probably not.  Will I settle just so I don't have to face that eventuality?  Never.

In the last couple of weeks I've heard from Mr Hotel, Mr Helicopter, El Dempasso, and have had yet another 10 or so texts from the one who is slowly starting to become a concern...I swear men have spider like senses when there's a potential moment of weakness ahead.  It's like they sense it and somehow get in touch, just at that point in time when you might be most vulnerable.  I'm pleased to say I sent each and every one of them politely on their way.  No bloggers, I have absolutely no interest in going backwards in my life.  Only forwards.  Only towards something special.  A part of me still thinks Miles is that person...

I'm in a bit of an ambiguous situation at the moment I think.  Miles and I are talking often, hanging out, supporting each other... Things are similar to how they were, before I went to visit.  With the exception of one key element... There's nothing sexual.  No flirting, No splashes of unexpected colour and traces of magic and glitter.  The thing is,  I just don't know how I feel about it all.  Am I the only one wondering where we are?  Have we found a new plateau? Would I be happy if we had?  Is he? Are we both wondering in the back of our minds if we let something go when we should have followed the trail of fairy dust a little further?  Don't get me wrong bloggers, I love that we are talking again, hanging out;  That my phone sometimes rings spontaneously and it's him at the end.  That we have that flow again, but (and there is a but although I'm not sure how big it is)... While I don't want to make things awkward, or lose where we are right now, there's a huge part of me that is lurking in the background, and I think it is hoping something drops into place and we find our feet back where we were.  Slowly but surely and more certainly walking the road to togetherness.  I know I probably shouldn't, but I miss those things.  I miss the 'babygirl' and the 'daddy' parts.    I'm happy where we are, but surely when two people care for, and support each other this much there has to be more to it? Is there more to it?  Given I'm trying to hold out a hand and invite him to stay with me a while so he can see how strong he is and see life from a new angle,  am I a terrible person for even questioning this?  Should I be putting any thoughts of this kind in a box and burying them as deep as I can?  Is that what I want to do anyway?  I genuinely have no idea.

The old me would push at this point.  She would have to.  Pushing and hinting until eventually she came right out and said it 'are we going to give things another go because there's a part of me that feels we aren't quite done'.  I can't do that.  I'm not sure I could ever do that.  I put myself out there before and with that in mind he already knows that he would have to be the one to speak the words or make the move right?  Is there even a move to be made? HAVE I GONE COMPLETELY INSANE?!?  There's a part to me that things, what will be will be.  There's also another part that tells me where I am right now I'm potentially letting myself stand still in a place where nothing will ever change.  Have I somehow found myself waiting?  Am I waiting?  I don't feel like I am, but then.. I'm not looking elsewhere.  Miles mentioned to me he had added a few new friends on social media the other day, there was an intimation that one of these was someone he might have opened up to, someone he has maybe felt something for?  I could be reading into nothing.  What if I'm not?  He told me he wasn't looking to meet anyone or date the other day.  What if he is talking to someone else though, the way that we do, and I somehow find myself on the cusp.  I couldn't be annoyed at that.  I would have no right to be, he hasn't promised me anything.  He hasn't intimated anything, but at the same time... Our care for each other is so genuine - could that be the heart of everything else?  I know I've never cared in this way for someone before.  Never before have I been so open and honest, or reached out a hand with the knowledge that in that moment in time any feelings/thoughts of my own don't matter because the person you are reaching out to deserves more, they mean more to you than that and help and love is a gift, not an exchange.

'I like you more now that I did before you came'... 'I don't know how I feel'... Those words pop into my head from time to time. They still make no sense. 

I guess what it all boils down to bloggers is this... I don't want to lose him.  I love that we have a friendship and he has the ability to make me smile with nothing more than a text.  I also love that he feels able to open up to me and we have found ourselves drawn back in to this place where we reach out and help each other... Like magnets.  But at the same time, I don't want to find myself turning into someone I'm not.  The person who without realising starts to pin her hopes on something that might never happen.  The person who ruins a friendship.  Flip that again, and he is still my number 3.  I know he was.  If only you could plug into someone else's brain for a few minutes.  How simple it would be if you could peek inside and see if somewhere there's a light, and all it needs is time, opportunity and the natural affinity you have with someone.  North and south.  What if I started to push myself to move on.  Move on when all I want to do is stay.  And at some point in the future I find out that I shouldn't have.  I find out that things would have fallen into place.  That I was the same for him as he was for me, that there was a piece of 'us' glowing inside, but it couldn't be spoken of, couldn't be let free because of all the 'what if's and the potential 'disasters' as seen by the mind of someone with anxiety.  Then again... He spoke other words too.  Ones that maybe tell me everything I need to know.  'You're reading too much into it'

Am I a terrible friend?

Ryan Adams - Wonderwall

click for soundtrack

Horny as hell

Crazy ass horny!!!

Don't Want To Sleep Alone

I need to get a grip of these dreams.  Last night I had another 2 nightmares, one after the other.  The first  had me wake sat upright, the second so cutting and so close to reality I was left wondering if by keeping something with such sadness a secret, I've given myself too much to process alone.

I really need a decent nights sleep.  I'm back to work tomorrow with travel planned Tuesday through Thursday (to be honest, at the moment that feels like a bonus - time away from my boss and her ridiculously loud voice, overbearing manner and idiotic approach to things), so only two days in the office.  I think I can handle that.  This weekend I'll start the hunt.  A new job and a fresh start.  I don't really want to stay in this city long term, but I love this apartment.  It would be the perfect place to live 'with' someone as opposed to a flatmate.  Anyway, I've given myself until the end of July.  By the end of July I need to have my ducks lined up and either a seriously well paid job here, or something that will make me happy elsewhere.

If something doesn't give this week I need to look at getting away somewhere.  Get some fresh air, a change of scenery and hope that gives me the head space I need to be able to sleep like a normal person again.  Oh, and somewhere cheap!  Did I mention it would need to be somewhere cheap, free even.  January is a killer.

Hands Like Houses - Torn

click for soundtrack

Halloucination Dreams

03:36

For the last few weeks I've had horrific, vivid,  and more often than not,  lingering dreams.  The kind that when you wake up leave traces.  Have you questioning if or not there's some validity to it,  some truth that when spoken of will evoke the hell of it all over again.  Almost the same time each night regardless of when I sleep.

I woke tonight at 3:03 shaking and lay in bed convinced I couldn't breathe or move for what felt like forever before normality oh so slowly began to kick in.

The thing is,  when you look for comfort at 3am,  there's no one around.  A 'last online' check of social media sees to that.

I feel so tired.

What I would give for arms curling around me,  and a body pulling me in and telling me to 'hush it is all ok'.

I don't really know how to make them go away.  I know there's a recurring theme in them,  but the rest are so twisted it has to be more than my mind/body coming to terms with things surely?

Internet research tomorrow - things to do to keep nightmares.  Truly horrific ones at bay.  Well that,  and quite possibly the purchase of a boyfriend pillow lol

---

well it's pretty much bedtime and I can't lie... I feel nervous about having yet another nightmare filled night.  Is it normal to wake up from one,  shake it off and then to ha another, and another?

I remember reading once that dreams are the minds way of dealing with things.  Dreams might not directly relate to their content,  but in a strange way their lack of logic help the brain to assimilate confusing and often traumatic information so you can process and move on.  It makes sense.  The thing is,  REM is meant to be rare,  dreams not a constant, and yet here I am,  a grown woman wishing I had someone to curl up with so when I wake in the middle of the night,  limbs stuck to my bed,  heart racing,  pillow drenched with tears;  that there is someone to turn over,  wrap their arms around me, and without saying a word make it all ok.  Wouldn't there be some serious irony if one of the 'processes' was that of the lack of such a person... I wouldn't be surprised.

Lots of things have bumped into my radar today too.  Evanescence is struggling with her kids at the moment and is exhausted (she is juggling a lot) and was asking for advice,  my brother called to chat about the possibility of me playing foster parent for a week or so as something terrible came up with the kid they respite care for this evening which would make juggling everything a little too much (the system has me cleared for both kids so I am the obvious go-to),  and herb was in touch with all sorts of baby and bump chat.  I'm pleased to say she is looking fab and things are going beautifully.  Top that off with some crappy blood results,  an old school friend getting married another 'used to be close' one receiving a proposal annnnd a surprise few messages from Mr Hotel who made a few not so subtle suggestions that we pick up and see what happens - I responded with some not so subtle 'on your bike and good luck' responses... So you see, you could say it has been a pretty eventful day.  As for Miles... He and I have been hanging out virtually and talking a lot (all PG) and there have been quite a few giggles to be had.  I can imagine one of which playing on my mind in a way it shouldn't tonight however... It was to do with physicality and it has genuinely been in good/kind humour and something that has made me smile over the day;  but given I'm still 100% we didn't work out because he found me unattractive... You can see where I'm going.

There has to be a flip though,  one I will elaborate on tomorrow,  but he soothed me the other night and kept me from repeat nightmare land with kindness... But that's for another day.  For now... I really  REALLY hope I get a night of nightmare free sleep.

Bonne nuit! x

Reaching Out

"There were once dying galaxies and crumbling moons under my skin, but you touched me and brought my universe back to life." D. Antoinette Foy

The last 24hours have been like stars flickering in the night sky, burning bright for someone, somewhere to look up and gain a glimmer of hope, only to extinguish in flames... lost forever.

A few years ago, and while blogging I took my life and started to strip out the people who constantly reached out, sought my help, and yet were blinkered at times when I needed a rock.  I've done well to keep that balance since.  Cutting and slicing with ease those who showed similar traits so not to make the same mistake.  

Last night I found myself in a situation where there was an outstretched hand, it was his.  He isn't the same, he has burnt and cut me deeper than most, but he has also healed me with such gentle touches that always, when he is there, I feel stronger, I feel braver.  He reminds me so much of someone I once lost.  His heart is kind, his head analysing.  While I find I'm on the outer limit of such thoughts, no longer let into their secrets, I know, I KNOW if I held out my hand, he would somehow be there to hold it.  If I could speak the words, he would find a way.  The boy who read me to sleep.  The guy who stole my heart.  The man who couldn't let me know I was enough.  He has been breaking, crumbling silently and last night he reached... I tried to be there.  I had no idea how hard that would be from a distance.

A couple of hours on the phone, a few texts, and a genuine wish a car could get me to where I know I needed to go.  To hold out my hand.  Just a hand.  No agenda, no misconstrued feelings.  Just a girl standing in front of a boy letting him know he wasn't alone.  That he was never going to be alone again, that all he had to do was keep reaching and regardless of what anyone else thought or said, could know that I would be there giving him all the strength he needed to make it through. 

I don't really know where I go from here.  I floated an idea that he take a break from his current daily routine, that I could help him do that, but that he would have to do the unthinkable first, take a giant leap of faith knowing that no matter how hard he falls in doing so, the pieces when put back together would be stronger, that I could help him do that, help him to find his way.  The thing is, how do you say that?  How do you tell someone that you feel so deeply you can somehow absorb the pain of others, set them on the right track, help them heal.  I have always known I have been  that person...

When I was 12 my uncle (first cousin really but he was much older) had a complete breakdown.  He and his family had followed us to a different country when we moved, we had always had close family ties and our fresh start felt like an opportunity for a new beginning for them too.  A year after we moved there they were, no more than couple of miles away.  A few of years later he lost it all.  His wife left him taking everything (money, furniture, and his two children (his daughter and a boy he had brought up since a child... my best friend) with her and throwing in the knife by ensuring he lost his job and all contact in the process.  That was the first time I saw real pain.  I remember my dad getting the call and us jumping in the car.  The cottage was empty with the exception of a solitary arm chair where he was sat, the house was a shock, but was nothing compared to the emptiness of his eyes, they showed he was broken, his heart... bare.  And that's when I learnt.  

Over the forthcoming months I saw my dad slowly, and gently piece him back together.  A smile here, a gentle touch there, and slowly, oh so slowly, the light in his eyes began to show again.  For months I watched as my dad worked his magic.  Always my hero, he had a special soul, one that just 'knew' where to push and where to catch.  I watched and I learnt.  There had been many instances where I'd seen and heard glimmers of my fathers doings before this, but this time I was there.  We had nothing.  Absolutely nothing as I grew up, and yet, he somehow always found a way. I remember times when our cupboards held nothing but one solitary potato and a couple of carrots for the rest of the week and yet we would half what we had and help someone else out.  The better clothes we had, given to people who had less, people who needed them more.  Never a big deal, never a deliberation... always a small gesture.  Not for a thanks, not for a return.  Just because it was a kind thing to do.

After almost a year my uncle was back on his feet.  I remember the handshake.  We had gone to visit that evening (a regular occurrence), and with tears in his eyes he shook my dads hand and told him he was going to be ok now, that he had it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Just a handshake.  My dad never spoke of it.  He never spoke of any of them.

Several years later, years after my dad had passed I came across an opportunity to get back in touch with my uncles children.  I did so candidly, and a few years later managed to help repair and put them back in touch.  My uncle spent his first Christmas with his daughter shortly after.  He never thanked me.  I didn't ask.  My dad would have been proud and that was enough.

So here I am... Reaching out, not to be rescued, but in the hopes of helping someone who reminds me of someone I once knew, the man I watched all those years ago.  Not the one in need of help, the other.  The man who showed me how to heal a soul.  To love freely, and to know if someone is brave enough to reach out, you must take their hand and ask for nothing in return.  I wish I lived closer because then it would be easier, less crass.  I hope he keeps reaching because I can't imagine my life without having the person that acts as my reminder.  Who else is going to randomly text and make sure I'm eating, ask me how work is going on my crappiest day, and maybe someday keep my nightmares at bay all over again.  I hope he reaches back.

Everything could be about to change.

Birdy - Wings
click for soundtrack

Incoming...

Curve ball to the plans time.

I had chills last night,  my temp was all over the place and even my teeth were chattering.  Today every single inch of my body is aching... It was a no brainier.  I had to call in sick to work.

I feel utterly dreadful.  I'm also super disappointed to see Gstar has completely lacked on his flatmate skills and despite asking him to grab me a few things from

The shops hours ago (he isn't working today),  he has yet to get out of his bed.  I swear I'm living with a hermit!!

Can't see me back in work tomorrow unless there's a miracle.  The only plus side may be some radical weight loss.  Let's hope.

2016

So here we are... another year.  I'm here and I'm fighting.

I usually set myself a New Year resolution, and for the most part it has led to some significant changes in my life...  Spending the best part of a year working abroad, passing my driving test, going back to University.  This year however I couldn't think of anything that was 'just right'.  To be honest, while I know I should be bringing in the year with a fresh new take on life (as is expected), but whenever I try to take a few steps forward, 'he' pops into my mind and I'm left wondering if there was something/anything I could have done.

I think 2016 needs to have a more holistic resolution.  One that has me make a move to try and concentrate on making a better me, a more stable me, a me that is going to be ok to be solo in her golden years.  No big challenge there then... eep!  So what does this 'me' need?

I've a few hard and fast challenges ahead over the next six months, so I guess, for the time being, a better me might be the type of girl who handles those well.  After that, well, I guess there's plenty of time to decide.  So what are we dealing with? 

February - My birthday.  34.  Wait maybe you didn't hear me... 34!!!  The plan:  A distraction.  I've no idea what as yet, but I've booked a long weekend off work and as there's no-one to sweep me off my feet am deliberating if I am brave enough to go somewhere solo

March - Herb and Barron's baby is due.  I am so nervous about this one.  I mean I'm incredibly happy for them as they were trying to get pregnant for ages and I can't think of two people that deserve to be the perfect family unit any more; but if I'm honest bloggers, there's a little piece inside me that is incredibly jealous and I'm so so scared it will manifest.  I spoke to Red about it the other day and she told me I was being crazy, that it is normal to feel a pang for something she knows I want so badly, but that I'm not the type of person to act out jealousy and that I should trust in myself because in times past she's seen me show warmth and kindness to her without a glimmer of anything but happiness when good things had happened to her at the same time I was paddling like crazy.  It was an unexpected thing to hear her say, but really nice.  I sometimes underestimate Red's detailed perception.  I should know better.

August - My cousin's wedding.  He and I have been close since kids and while he is eloping for the ceremony they are having a large dinner/party/family gathering after the event.  It will be the first time our side of the family has been together for well over a decade and so everyone is making an effort to come together.  I can't wait in some respects, but in others I am incredibly nervous.  I know I'm the only single one left, and with the exception of my other cousin (his brother), I am also the only one without kids.  My brother has already started joking that I might want to rent a date to avoid the awkward questions.  Yep, I need a lot more 'me' for August.

So how am I doing so far?  Hmmm well I'll let you decide...

A minute before midnight on the 31st my mobile rang... it was Miles.  He asked me how I was, held his phone up so I could hear bells playing and then told me we were going to do the countdown to the New Year together.  It was really sweet.  I would love to think it was him trying to make a gesture of a romantic kind, but I'm pretty certain it was of the friendly persuasion.  However, I didn't question it (a new one for me), counted along, and smiled as he wished me a Happy New Year.

Since then, I've been pushing myself a little every day.  On New Year Day Red text to say she had been at a spin class and was going to grab a coffee and head home.  I asked her where she was and within 20mins had gone from pjs and bed to messy up-do and trendy coffee shop.  I dropped her home, called Gstar to tell him to drag his ass out of bed, and did a supermarket drive by for some nibbles before enforcing an afternoon of drinks, nibbles and board games.  It was a hoot.  Yesterday I got dressed up, and despite wanting to get dressed down as soon as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I haulled my ass into town for dinner and cocktails.  I was only in maybe 5hours, however in that time I was bee-lined for twice, and by the third, made my excuses and grabbed a taxi home.  I know I should have been flattered, but having a guy walk up to me and offer to buy a drink just makes me think of Miles, and how I've absolutely no reason to say no to these men, but always want to.  

Red, G-star, Clio and my brother have each told me to get myself back out there, get online, start dating in the last week or so.  To the extreme that they have all started evoking 'remember that date when you...' stories.  They just don't get it.  They're right,  I do enjoy dating.  I like meeting new people and the flirt and comedy value of it all, but it isn't hat I don't want to date... It's that... How can I possibly date someone else, when all I would be thinking of is him.  I need to give myself a good shake.  There's absolutely no point in me feeling like this when he doesn't feel the same.  

Should putting myself back out there be part of the plan?

David Guetta Ft. Usher - Without You

click for soundtrack