Leap Year

Miles called me tonight and it was soooooo nice to just talk.  I've missed him!

I love love his voice.
He sent me a link to Brothers Grimm.  I thought for a moment he was suggesting a move back to bedtime story land,  I quickly realised it didn't. 

BMW messaged today to reiterate his interest.

<3 Miles

*sigh I only wish I knew this was a turning point.  A few months ago if you'd asked me how I felt about leap year,  I'd have been thinking in my mind where I wanted to be...

One day.  I wonder if one day I'll know what it feels like to be proposed to

Building My Wings On The Way Down

"She took a leap and built her wings on the way down..." - Ray Bradbury

I want passion. 

I want love.

I want butterflies.

I want orgasms and glitter and magic.

I want to feel wanted.

I want him, every single broken inch.

I need to feel wanted.

I need orgasms and glitter and magic.

I need butterflies.

I need love.

I need passion.

I'm supposed to be a girlfriend.  I'm so far from a girlfriend.

He is supposed to call me beautiful.  He talks about women in music videos and celebrities in passing, never me.

We are supposed to want to talk to each other every second of every day.  He doesn't call unless it's to watch something.  When I call he seems disinterested.

A morning flirtatious text;  innocent enough.  It is met with silence and hours later a change of subject.  I know he was awake.  

Drinks on Saturday and I find myself telling him where I  am.  Warm tears running down my face, mascara and eyeliner starting to run.  I catch sight of myself in the mirror and there's something incredibly beautiful in my eyes as I talk to him.  I see it all right there in that moment.  I see it all in my eyes, their darkness, their longing,  honest and bare.  He apologises.  I wonder if anything will change.  Nothing changes.  I don't call today to see what happens.  Nothing happens.  Random texts that could be for anyone.  He tells me on Saturday that I had said nothing needed to change.  I corrected him.  That isn't what I said.  I had promised we could carve our own way, that we didn't have to jump a million miles in a day, but I had been clear before he chose this path.  I told him things needed to change; that things would change whether he was to speak or not.  I told him I couldn't continue where we were, that we were stuck in a rut and I was lost.  I told him we had to move forwards together or I had to step forwards alone.  I told him he wouldn't lose my friendship but that he needed to speak if he wanted more.  I told him silence wasn't an answer.  I had said I needed more.  I hadn't thought he would speak and then melt into silence.

I've asked if he felt he had made the wrong decision, if he had regrets.  He told me he hadn't.  I don't know what else to say.  He is working on himself.  I'm ok with that.  I'm not ok with this.

In three weeks I'm due to fly out to see him.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her boyfriend.  I don't feel like a girl flying out to see her friend.  

If we spent time together I'm sure the clock hand would tick one way or another.  Time is easy, but it has to be wanted.  I don't feel that.  I don't feel like he is bothered either way.  If he isn't bothered then why should I keep reaching?  90% 100% of the time is pointless.  Friendship wise those odds are less one sided, as an 'us', 90% could be a little low.  Am I so difficult to love?  Is it so impossible?

I took a leap of faith.  Was I wrong?

"Sometimes I wish I could read your mind.  But then.  I wonder if I could handle the truth." - Nicholas Sparks

Austin Plain - The Cost

Click for soundtrack

Bee sting

Sometimes things heal on their own,  and some times you have to bite down and suck out the poison.

Miles is struggling right now.  Struggling with lots of things I think,  and I know I'm going to make sure I'm there whenever he needs me,  but the silence right now is deafening.

All I need is an indication and I'll be right there.  Right now there's nothing,  and I'm not going to keep listening to the silence.  I need something back and I'm getting nothing.  As a friend I can handle that and be there for him,  but he said he wanted more.  Why say you want more when it's so clear it wasn't the case.  It's not like I want the world,  just some warmth.

Silence and distance and him putting himself in a bubble and pushing me as far as he can as hard as he can.

I'm so close to being done.  There hasn't been one incling, one glimmer.  Nothing.

Friends... I'll always be there.  Anything else... I'm starting to look like a mug. 

Just being

I miss talking till 3am about nonsense

I miss random questions because there are millions still unasked and yet it feels like only I want to find out the answers

I miss a hundred small things that are hard to quantify but each were the reasons I fell in the first place,  the reasons the tick boxes didn't matter,  the reasons I knew he was the one

I miss him,  and I don't know if there's any getting it all back

Everybody Needs Somebody Sometimes

I hadn't expected my next blog post to be one of this kind, but today has been a difficult one and I just need to let it all out.

Valentines day had a few twists and turns, but today isn't the day for that.  The headline however is that Miles said he wanted to give things a go.  I made sure he understood that meant cards on the table, and not a suck-it-and-see approach, and to my surprise, that is what he decided.  (I'll definitely revisit this in a later blog) for now though, I just need to talk how I'm currently feeling out.

Mum isn't doing so good, she has been in ill health a little while now but with no diagnosis and worsening symptoms, the health system has let her down with everything and her mental health is now starting to rear coupled with the news her best friend and next door neighbor has 6 months to live, and the fact my brother's dog died and she is now seeing less of him as a result of that and some foster-care emergency respite for a kid he looks after.  We are all rallying, but with work and distance and everyone juggling 101 things she hasn't really had the support, I've let her down, and I now need to work out how to get into the right rhythm with it all again.

Work is crazy... I took a secondment (I think I told you that), but until the end of the month I'm still juggling my old job which means crazy hours the next few weeks.  That in itself would be enough, but my colleagues dad has passed away so now I've had to absorb her team and deadlines as well making me a one woman deadline machine among one of the busiest months the contracted year. 

I have a cold, I'm stressed, my bones have started aching, my back has a trapped nerve, my chest an infection, my white blood cell count is at crazy low levels, and it is currently Ser3ndipity and thrombocytopeia at war time.  I need to get it all under control before my body really starts to kick back and I end up in hospital.

I reached out to Miles today... He and I haven't really been on the right foot despite Valentines day and his decision to give it a go.  There's no sign of how we used to be, a crazy lack of anything remotely romantic from his end, and amid it all I'm left wondering what the hell.  Why say one thing (a thing that was a pretty big decision and one I don't think he made lightly), while doing nothing to segment it.  Words without actions.  He called me at 3am last night, I missed the call.  I worried all day as I rang him at 5, then 8 and heard nothing back from my messages until lunchtime when I rang again and he said he had just woken.  I thought something had happened and I hadn't been there for him.  I was imagining the worst.  It turns out it was a pocket dial and he was sleeping...

I still reached out.  I had been driving home from my second 13hr day, had called mum and had realised where she was, had called my brother and had realised he was exhausted and not in a position to take on any of the responsibility, and I was just exhausted.  I called and before he could answer I was in tears.  Sat in my car with hot salty tears streaming down my face.  He listened, he told me I should eat... I left the call after about 15mins and have heard nothing since (it has only been an hour).  He didn't tell me he would call to check in later.  He asked me if I was going to call him back... I really just wanted him to say he would call me in a while.  Message me in a while... I wanted him to reach out.

Miles isn't the reason everything has got a little much this last few weeks, but I really REALLY wanted to feel him helping to make me stronger.  Anytime he has struggled I've been right there, texting or calling him to just 'be' there.  I've told him it will be ok, that he isn't facing it together, and when we were an item... that I love him and we can do anything together.  I don't know why... but he hasn't done the same.  He is my calm, he makes me giggle, but why is this missing?  Nothing, NOTHING has changed since Valentines.  No kisses after messages, no 'babygir', no 'baby', no 'beautiful' (apart from the day itself).  He hasn't rung me just to talk, we haven't hung out chatting about nonsense or doing quizzes, getting to know each other again.  No couple app, no loving touches.  It is like he said something and then shut down.  I don't need shut down right now, I need honesty.  I need him to tell me that he has got me, that we are a team.  I need the emotional bit.  The affection.  I need all the parts that made me fall for him, all the parts that were starting to glimmer.  Where did they go, and why today of all days is he not reaching out to me??

I'll look after myself, will try to sleep and will try to come up with a plan for mum, work, my health this weekend.  I'll juggle it all and will get it back on track.  I'm sure it will mean 101 tears and every single piece of energy left, but I'll hopefully be able to turn it around and be there for everyone in the way they need me.  

As for Miles... I guess the next few days or so will tell.  I know how I feel about him, I think I have shown that, and I'm willing to ride out any storm the world wants to throw at us, but I need to believe he wants to do the same; and right now, I don't see that at all.  I feel like the odds are uneven and while I'm ok with everything we have spoken about (again I'll have to come back and blog that), when things happen like today, people who love you, people who are in a relationship with you... They drop everything they are dealing with, focus their efforts and reach out in any way they can. I can't rationalise it any other way.  All I wanted was a text.  A sign he was with me.  A something to show we were a team.  A kiss, a 'x' on ANY message, but nothing.  Even the message he sent me the other day after I said I thought his lack of kisses etc. was odd... He sent me a heap of love emojis (which genuinely made me smile) but nothing changed after.  Now it seems less like it was funny and more like it was him making a joke of it?? I know he wasn't, I know him better than that but it still stings.  This isn't medication.  This isn't a lack of sexual drive.  This isn't a lack of distance.  This is showing someone you care.  There are so many little ways to show someone you care... A message telling them you're there, a picture from the web, a thumbkiss, a public display, a not so public (telling someone we both know... his mum even),  a post card, a letter, a card, a gift, one message saying 'I'm really glad we are going to give it a shot'.  ANYTHING it doesn't have to be world changing, it wasn't before... but even the little things... There's nothing making us different.  Nothing defining us as a couple.

Nothing makes sense.  I don't want the world right now, right away.  I just want... soemething.

I'd Choose You

I'm a little tipsy...

Things are changing.

I took a seconded promotion at work today.  It was positioned with me a couple of days ago, and despite a lack of cash, everything else was in place and so I've decided to take the leap and embrace 3 months of a new challenge to either find a place to ship up to, or ship out to.  As soon as I made the decision and informed my current boss that I would be moving on for a while (She wasn't involved in the process, rather I was requested for by one of her superiors), I felt an instant feeling of relief.  Miles was of course the first person I text, he was also the person I called when I got home and felt a little wound up by 101 questions from the other people in my life that care raising their 'long hours, no pay increase, crazy work pattern' concerns.  I get it, they care, but seriously; you don't get ahead in this world by sitting still, and I'm determined to make sure I'm never in the same position I was a couple of years ago again.  Miles of course calmed me in minutes.  His voice is enough to make me take a deep breath and slow down.  He is my calm.

I wish I knew where we were, if there was a 'we' at all.

"I didn't fall in love with you.  I walked into love with you,  with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.  I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway.  And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes,  in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality.  I'd find you and I'd choose you." - Kiersten White 

The last week he has been a little different, a little flirtatious (not enough for me to feel like we have taken a leap in the direction I hope, enough for me to notice all the same).  It has been really... sweet. He has his kids this weekend so I hadn't expected to hear from him but last night he called and I spoke with him and one of his little ones for a little while; it definitely made me smile.  It also made me think; we must have some kind of fixture in each others lives if he is open and trusting enough to allow that doorway of communication.  I wasn't 'daddies friend', I was 'Ser3ndipity'.

Valentines is 2 days away, the 13th is 1...

BMW has sent me a message making his hoped intentions incredibly clear a couple of days ago "Look I think you are hot, and you stimulate my mind too... I think I might have a fight on my hand in some respects given there is something/not something going on with the (Miles) man you are still mulling over by the looks of your body language and everything you have said.  When I've asked you about him you move your head as you speak, look up and to your left as you recall memories or thoughts and you smile... not that I'm reading you.  I do however like a challenge, I'm just not sure if I am stepping on toes."  I had forgotten BMW was an NLP practitioner until this point.  He's right.  I do smile when I think of Miles, he is always on my mind.  The thing is bloggers, here's a guy, admittedly a guy who doesn't light me up inside when I think of him, but a handsome and intelligent guy with great prospects telling me as plainly as possible that he is interested, and all I need to do is give him the nod and he would love to take me out.  

Am I completely insane for not having moved on from Miles when five months on he's not as Evanessance says 'made a claim' for me?  This situation isn't new.  I've been in this place many times, and every time I make the same choice... I pick the same.  The guy on my wrist. One of the dots (Clutz, Mr X, Miles)... That guy will always win.  I fall rarely, and I fall hard.  Anyone else is collateral damage.

Uncertain and as rocky as the path, Miles will win every single time.  I can't walk away.  I have to give him one last chance to reach out, to tell me I'm what he wants, that he can't think of a world where I'm not right there by his side, that I'm beautiful inside and out, that uncertainty (of that kind) is completely irrelevant now, that he wants us to be together,  make a go of things, see where it takes us, that it doesn't matter if the whole world knows, because I am for him, and all the other stuff we can face everything else together.

2 days

If in 2 days nothing has moved, I need to find a way to walk away.  I need to leave him to the space he has found and is happy in without me.  Just friends. 

As hard as it would be, as impossible as it would be, I know I am right to set a time and if it hasn't happened to walk away.  I set the time a while back, now I just need to make sure I sand by my conviction.  I know he has challenges and things aren't that simple, maybe he struggles to find the words, maybe his head doesn't paint things clear, but it isn't his head he should be listening to, it's his heart, and for that all you need to do is shut your eyes and just be.  

I sent him a valentine.  If we part ways on a 'mate date' then I can look back and regardless of the pain in my heart will know that despite it all, despite everything, I was a girl who stood in front of a boy telling him that I loved him, that I didn't shy away from it even though my heart had been broken before.  That I was brave enough to open myself up to adventure, and risked it all by telling him how I felt.  There was nothing else left.  I will have said it all.

...

He sent me some virtual valentine cards tonight.  I couldn't tell what he meant by them. I could hope, but I need more.  I can't risk it all for something that could be misunderstood or misinterpreted.  I hadn't realised at the time, but I've done that before, and I can't make the same mistake again.  I've stood on the edge holding out my heart for a long time.  If he feels the same, he needs to be bold, he needs to trust me with his heart, hold it out, the same way, and actually find the words.  I can't let anything less be enough.

Tomorrow is the 13th.  Our day.  It is also the last day anything could arrive in the post.  With the exception of flower delivery time is almost out.

Every inch of me is hoping for something...

If nothing happens it is going to take everything I have to walk away while reaching out as a friend.  I will never walk away from him.

Colbie Callat - Realize

Click for soundtrack

Leap of Faith

I feel... Actually, I'm not sure.

Miles and I hung out (virtually) again last night and amid our normal meandering conversation he unexpectedly opened up again.  I would love to write out the ins and the outs, but much of what he said was very personal to him, and as this is my blog, not inappropriate for me to share with the world.  It has however left me feeling like things will come to a head, one way or another, quite shortly.

Some of the things he said were really unexpected, that he thinks of me all the time, that he would spend 24/7 with me if he could, that he had made a list of a few things he knows would make me smile but hadn't know whether to click the buy button as was unsure if a Valentines gift was the right thing to do.  He also said not wanting me to date other people would be a selfish thing... I wanted to scream 'of course it is,  I cant think of anything worse than you dating someone else and I would happily be selfish in that respect for the rest of my life'.  

I wish I could peel back the layers and take a peek inside his mind.  Many of the things he says (about how he feels) are exactly how I feel about him, and many of his concerns are things I would happily work through with him.  The thing is bloggers, there's one part that unfortunately is all him... and only he can work out where that lies.  'Does Miles find me attractive?'  It is as simple as that.  I'm not sure he see's it that way, but strip back all the other uncertainties, risks and confusion, and it pretty much boils down to that.  Location, medication, money, travel... all these things are irrelevant if you find the one person that makes you smile on your darkest day.  Miles seems to have some uncertainty that a best friend might be able to do the same.  He isn't wrong in some respects, but unless he has fluffed up where everything else is at, I sure as hell can't think of one friend (however close) that I think of and write lists for, and want to spend all of my time with, however great they are.

The conversation lasted much longer than those previously, and so while trying to give him enough silence and space to speak, I tried to be as open and honest as I could in return.  His honesty deserved that, and so I tried to be candid.  I didn't however tell him that I love him.  I didn't want to place that kind of pressure on the situation when I feel he is trying to move things from our current sticking point.

I wish I could tell him to just take a risk, to trust me when I said the only thing he needed to be certain of was an attraction to me, because I was certain enough on all the other things for the both of us.  I wish I could have told him the only thing I want to say.  I love him.

Every single inch of me hopes he takes a leap.  It would be seriously Serendipitous if the 13th came to play again...

Tom Petty - Free Fallin'

Click for soundtrack

Girl (and boy) Talk

The last few days Red, Evanessance, Gstar (and in a surprise new entry) OOJ have all offered their thoughts on my current dating situation.  Here's the breakdown...

Red thinks I would be insane to fly back over to see Miles.  She asked what the end goal would be and suggested I might be kidding myself thinking I would be ok with giving everything up to move.  Red has always been pro-Miles as she knows where the chips fall when I'm emotionally attached; that said her thoughts are that Miles is now verging on messing me about with his lack of clarity and statements of not thinking of things in terms of 'in a box'.  I mentioned BMWs recent contact and her thoughts were I should entertain the network possibilities but that ultimately, if I liked BMW I wouldn't be thinking about Miles all the time, and if the Miles thing was going to happen he needs to step outside his comfort zone as she says she sees me looking to make all the effort and thinks I'm mad to contemplate it if we aren't two people working towards the same thing.  Her parting words were that I should put myself online and start fresh.

Evanessance loves that BMW is back in touch as the opportunity for work day related flirtation is a deviance she is a firm advocate of.  Her thoughts of Miles are very similar to Red's.  She has told me to stop messing about and ask him outright where we are.  Evanessance of all people understands the anxiety Miles deals with, but in her own words 'nobody is that clueless about what they want'.  She thinks I should give it to Valentines at the latest and if nothing is forthcoming make the move to firm friendship and cut everything else out to move on.  She says she knows how much I care for Miles but that I'm in danger of letting him walk all over me when he's had 4 months to find the words to tell me exactly how he feels.  Evanessance also said I should accept any dates I'm asked on because Miles hasn't done anything to 'stake a claim' and he should be at the very least doing that if he wanted to see how things go when we meet again.

Gstar is telling me to play with fire and keep talking with Miles while throwing caution to the wind and go on dates with BMW and any other guy that asks.  He told me this is the most cautious he has ever seen me and while he understands why I think doing anything like that would feel like 'cheating' on Miles because he understands how strong my feelings are, but that he has never known me to be this 'meh'.  He said I usually go after what I want and that I'm a very black and white girl and playing in a grey field doesn't suit me. 

OOJ called the other day and it was sooooooooo nice to catch up.  He gets married in a couple of months and he seems genuinely in the right place now.  We spoke for about an hour about everything and anything, but just before he said goodbye he came at me direct... Just like he used to.  He told me I need to concentrate on myself and not fixing other people.  He said that he was genuinely pleased to hear that I had found someone to be totally honest with, especially when it comes to my health, and that Miles sounds really great for me in that respect and it makes a change for him to hear me say I feel someone is looking after me as much as I am looking after them.  He told me to steer away from BMW because he can tell I'm not that bothered and would chew him up and spit him out.  He thought the trip to see Miles was a good thing and said he could see me enjoying the type of relationship that saw me jumping planes and living in a long/short distance world for a while because it would let me test my fierce independence slowly.  He didn't attempt to steer me in any direction but offered some words of advice that seemed filled with love and incredibly wise; he said 'if it is right, it shouldn't be difficult' that two people can face a whole pile of difficulty together, but that the actual decision to just be together should be one of the easiest and simplest things in the world and that while he can see I know what I want, it should be just as simple for Miles and so if there's a haze I should take a breath and realise that no matter how much I love someone, I deserve someone who would never question their feelings for me because loving me should be as simple and as easy as taking a breath.

Lots of advice!

I've fallen asleep on the phone to Miles the last few days.  He makes me so incredibly calm and I feel so safe just knowing he is in my corner.  Everyone can't be wrong though, they are right aren't they... If he wanted me, he would have made some sort of 'claim' by now surely?  I mentioned going on a date the other day and his response was that he would care, but because he would want me to have a nice time.  He followed that shortly by saying he thought I was fishing.  I decided to go direct and ask about the Valentines thing... His response was that he hadn't thought it through or 'put it in a box'.  So I guess that's the long and short of it.  If he wanted me, he would of course want to define things in some way.  Before we even met he defined things, he asked me out, we were exclusive (pending a wait and see). 

When I stop and think about it, I think I've made a lot of excuses for Miles.  I definitely believe I put him in an ultimatum situation when I was visiting, and I still think that wasn't the right thing to do given the situation, but I've also been too hard on myself since.  A few days after getting back I did everything I thought I could to talk things through and try and take off the pressure, following that I didn't mention it again, and have stepped right back; but where am I?  Where has that got me?  I'm currently in a place where I have no idea where I am with him, any conversation I have where I try to work that out seems to be found at his amusement in some way, and here I am, single, turning down dates, and for what?  He KNOWS I will be his friend regardless, he has seen that from me, so really there are no barriers to anything.  In a conversation not that long ago Miles said sometimes he has wanted to talk to me but hasn't been able to due to his situation, I've no doubt that maybe finding decisions is also hindered, but there has to be a point where waiting becomes less like waiting and more like not moving on pointlessly

If he wanted me, he wouldn't be saying if I went on a date he would be hoping it went well; he would be saying 'I would hope you didn't go, and that we could see how things go when we meet again'

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Click for soundtrack

My tough day... As it happens

05:15. Woke up to a text from Miles sent at exactly midnight wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me not to sweat the age thing because life has a plan

06:00. Took a long shower to try and shake the shakes.  Heart beating through my chest,  shivers in my tummy

06:30. Opened the six birthday cards that have been collecting in the hallway this last week

06:32. Huge,  fat,  hot tears.  Tears because some of the cards are so very thoughtful.

06:35. Sat on the bedroom floor sobbing.  Wondering what's going to happen when I'm older and still sat here on my birthday alone.  Eyes faded,  body broken, and wondering how I somehow ended up being the one here alone

06:37. I decide blogging through the day might help me to focus so here we are.  One continually changing post from here until tomorrow...

06:40. Music.  Music and makeup to paint on my mask ready for the day.  Words running round my mind as I talk to myself in my head 'you can't cry at work'. 'Stop being so ungrateful with your life'. 'You should be ashamed of yourself,  some people have nothing'. 'Stop crying,  game face until you get home tonight,  then you can run a bath and let it all go'. 'You aren't even 34 until 21:04 tonight'. The last one somehow helping,  however illogical.

06:50. Crying again.  No idea how I'm going to make myself presentable to get into work,  let alone stay there pretending to be 'normal' all day.  This shouldn't be so hard but I feel heartbroken.  I need a hug.  A long-get lost in the moment- hug

07:06. Evanescence makes me smile by sending an audio clip of her singing happy birthday to the tune of we wish you a merry Christmas.  I send her a picture of my makeup x2 and ask if she can tell I've been crying.  Apparently you can :/. I'm late for work so on goes more eyeliner and a hope that no one asks.  Is it too early for hay fever?

09:50. Had a blubber in the bathroom.  Now consoling my red red eyes with work client gossip and a cinnamon coffee.  Please!  Let no one ask about my face

10:30. The guy (we need to give him a name so let's go BMW due to his love of all things BMW) who I went on a few date with who is now sat downstairs asked to take me for coffee today.  We had met for lunch the other day.  It was nice to catchup and given the fact he is kicking ass on his contract and being the tough guy,  I think a friendly face is a welcome distraction for him.  I've not accepted the invite... Yet

10:45. My team baked me a cake and gave me some gifts (including a pink Casio scientific calculator) which is quite frankly fantastic given I spent a large chunk of my week bashing MI and insight guys over the heads with my retro calculations and correcting their blind faith in all things excel.  The attention,  song and the candles tested my game face to the max.  I've got sore eyes

11:30. The communications team baked me a cake so just had to do candles,  song and sparklers take 2.  Lots of goodies for my car so very thoughtful.  I am genuinely lucky to be liked by so many people

11:45. BMW has emailed a number of times,  I'll meet him for coffee later.  Miles has sent another few texts.  They are sooooo different.  Miles is gentler. I wish I knew where I was with him.

12:00 lunch with EVERYONE.  Lots of chat and laughing.  I love nonsense and filth.  Too many questions however about my age.  Apparently I look between 25 and 29.  I can handle that.

13:00. Distraction time as I'm starting to wobble again.  I've given myself half an hour to fundraiser for this charity walk I'm doing.

13:40. I was a beast.  Put a sales girl in charge of a tombola and 30mins later she's made £400.  Add that to the £140 I've already raised and I'm quite happy with my contributions.  It was a good distraction.  I feel a little better

14:00. I met BMW for a coffee.  He was waiting with a cinnamon latte,  a malteasers bunny and a card made out of post-it notes when I got there.  A good chat was had.  There was a little dig about whether 'the Isle of Man guy had bought me a motorbike'.  I didn't bite.

14:40. I feel sick.  Today has taken it out of me.  I just stood up and nearly fainted.  People say I'm looking bright red and not well.  I don't think anyone has noticed I've avoided eating so I've said it must be a sugar high

15:00. I feel terrible.  I am starting to worry the stress of the day is reaching 'age 30' levels.  If I have a seizure I'm not going to be happy.

15:20. I'm in the bathroom.  I had to come and sit on the floor.  Seizures 1 -  Ser3ndipity - 0

17:34. I left work sharp,  did a drive by for some yummy food things (if I get my appetite back I'm definitely not wanting healthy this next few days), and arrived home to an envelope containing a card from Miles,  a card from his mum,  and a keyring with his countries flag on it.  I love it.  I think I have my answer about valentines however;  the card was signed 'from Miles X'  not 'love Miles X'. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Numbers

34 tomorrow and it got me thinking... what's in a number?

2.    Times I've been to University
2.    Cars I've owned
16.  The age I lost my virginity
15.  The age I had my first kiss
10.  The age we moved country and the first time I learnt to reinvent myself
9.    My age when dad had a stroke
17.  Apartments I've lived in since leaving University
9.    Countries I've visited
1.    The number of girl's holidays I've been on
5.    True friends in my life (and that's a pretty great number to have)
2.    Stalkers I've encountered in my lifetime
4.    Jobs I had to pay my way through University the first time
2.    Jobs I had to pay my way through University the second time
13.  My lucky number
3.    Times I've fallen hopelessly and helplessly in love
6.    The number of men that have told me they were in love with me
0.    The number who actually were
27.  My age the one and only time I've crowd surfed
2.    Times I've run for the hills because I suspected someone I was dating was close to proposing
1.    Valentines cards I've received when I've not been dating
00.  When I lost my dad
4.    Festivals I've been to
17.  The age I would re-live if given a chance
0.    Number of times I've been asked to slow dance
2.    Times I've been truly and unexpectedly lucky in my life
5.    The number of times someone has attempted to mug/sexually assault me
0.    The number of times they were successful
3.    Protests I've actively been involved in
14.  Age I got my first job
12.  My 'magic' number
2.    Names I couldn't remember on the previous answer
3.    Times I've been a bridesmaid
3.    People who know my entire life (and quite possibly the real me)
30.  The age, age started mattering
6.    The number of kids I used to want to have
2.    Fist fights I've been in
97.  Best year of my life so far
98.  The year I learnt how complicated life truly can be
3.    Times my heart has been broken

So what's in a number?  Quite a lot really.

Daniel Docherty - This Holy Fire
Click for soundtrack