Green. Red. Selfish.

Every single person in this world wants something.  

Those who claim they don't are liars.

I hate the liars most of all.

Large, small, they all want a piece.  If you keep giving it away soon you'll be left with nothing.  

Shards of a person.

This place, this nothing land, this page in the land of nowhere.  

This is the place where I find myself, where I glue the pieces of me back together.  Where I somehow try to make sense of it all, safe and free in the knowledge that here I can't be judged.  

I am just words on a page, thoughts in space, no-one from no-where. 

Here is my safety net.

Here is where I stop myself from falling.

Here.

Only, if here is gone, how will I keep myself together?

How will I stop myself?

Spontaneity is my enemy.

The people who speak out loud aren't the ones you need to worry about.  I've always been certain of that.  It is the quiet ones.  The ones that stay silent.  The ones you didn't see it coming because that is exactly how we wanted it.

In control. 

No half measures.

No pieces to hand out, or justifications and explanations.

No-one to question the rationale - We don't want to hear it.

We are those who have already made plans.  Silent in our decisiveness.  

No leaning, no asking, no reaching out.  

There will be no cleaning up. 

We are the prepared.  
Documents and requests, donation lists and practicalities taken care of.  Nothing left to chance.  Silent procrastination is where we find our calm, it is where we retreat to when the hands and arms of others call out into the night. 

We go from green to red.  
We are not the amber people. 

We are the silence.

We are the selfish.

Green to red to selfish and all the while the details are taken care of yet that word remains - selfish.

Funny how that one word is usually the only thing that saves us.

I'm totally and utterly lost.

Where the fuck do I go from here?

Five years.  

One month was almost the end of it, and yet here I am, now, with five years.

Spilling words on a page, keeping things back that will never pass my lips and yet somehow finding solace.  Finding the strength I needed.

How will I cope without it?

Is it even possible?
I'm scared.

Submission

The last few days have been very eye opening for me.  The website I joined has brought many a smile to my face. 

As I've said, the place I found to test the waters isn't a dating site, you can't search for people and you can't talk about hook-ups, but you can meet similarly minded people and there are groups for fetishes and likes I didn't even know existed.  

In the last week I've made a few new friends, two of which (both girls) I'm meeting this Sunday for drinks and to plan our outfits for the upcoming 'munch' - basically a fetish and BDSM event/party.  I'm not quite sure what to expect when I get there, but the dress code is very specific and so I have a feeling it is going to be eye opening.  One of the girls I'm meeting plays roller derby (yey) and is the same age as me, the other is a seriously hot 41yr old bisexual with a wicked sense of humor.  I can't wait to just talk!  It seems odd meeting people who I have seen some very intimate pictures of, but somehow brilliant all the same.

Other than those girls, I'm talking to a some couples (yes couples), and few guys, but in the spirt of things and really to add a little adventure to the blog, I stepped into the role of an online sub for 7 days.  Along with another girl in USA we embarked on a mini adventure with a rather handsome, well educated 31yr old guy experienced in the the world of BDSM D/s.  It was a bit of a whirlwind and most definitely an insight I enjoyed; but realistically I have no desire to enter an online/cyber/long-distance anything and so to his (and her) disappointment I ended my taster session this morning.  I'm certain we will stay in touch.  So what did it entail?

• At the start of the week we were shown three submissive poses which needed to be learnt .  We also had to send a photo which showed all our lingerie.
• Each evening he would tell us which pieces of lingerie we needed to wear the next day and would suggest our clothing choices (within reason) also.
• The following morning we would both have to send 3 pictures, two in our underwear, and one clothed (each in one of the various positions). Incidentally I agreed from the start that my face would remain out of shot.  We all received a copy.
• If the pictures were met with approval we would then be given a task (these varied but were relatively innocent on my part - my sub counterpart was more of an exhibitionist and so hers were much more sexual which she enjoyed).  We are actually very much so in touch since the experience and are still exchanging snapshots.
• We chatted individually with the guy (D) but mostly as a group.  Sometimes about life, sometimes about ourselves, and sometimes about sex.

The highlight of the experience was a candid three way conversation & picture exchange that most definitely resulted in everyone achieving an orgasm.  I've yet to tick a threesome off my bucket list but I've a feeling that in this new world, if I play safe (my main priority), but keep my options open... I might just be in luck.

The lowlight of the experience was accepting a punishment that meant I couldn't orgasm for two days, but that required me to 'edge' (basically get close to orgasm and then stop) on his command.  It was sooooo hard because for the last week my sex drive has increased ten fold, so when I was permitted to allow myself to cum it was delicious.

I'm still not sure the BDSM world is where I want to be, and I'm not sure how much of my journey into that world I want to share with you bloggers at the moment, but I started a week of sex blogs telling you I was going to be more honest that your average girl, and I figured I might as well finish that week with a bang.

The video below is something I was sent this morning (by means of an 'this is how I would like things to go) by a guy who is most definitely on my radar and whose direction of choice I most definitely approve of.  We are just talking at the moment, but he is unexpectedly interesting and a Lawyer to boot.  Enjoy the clip...

Sexual Adventures

So after a few of the comments, emails (and links) following the fetish post, this little chick decided to dip her toe into the waters to discover what really makes me tick.  Anyway I checked out a few sites and did my ground work... as you do, and now I'm a fully fledged member of an online community and boy has it been eye opening!

I quickly realised (within a few mins) that in order to get the most out of the experience I was going to have to jump in with both feet - post a few pictures (and yes... some you wouldn't want your mum to see), put on a few personal details, likes, dislikes, things I'm curious about.  I went straight to the new person section and as the website I chose isn't a dating site but rather a community a lot of new people were feeling a little left out.  I on the other hand appear to have been a hit.  I'm pretty the snapshots helped.

The website is full on and there is absolutely something for everyone. Whatever you are into, what

ever floats your boat, whatever you might be curious about... there is a group for it and a discussion happening.  There are pics, videos and some seriously interesting hot topics on tho go most of the time and I have to say bloggers. I LOVE IT!

As you know I've never been particular sexually repressed, but I've a feeling give it a few months I'll be looking back at this point of my life as childsplay. I'm not promiscuous but the great thing is that the people here are up front, no bull.  If they are poly they say they are.  If they are looking for a hook up they are clear.  Mostly however people seem to be looking for 'additions' to existing relationships and/or new long-term partners for 'play'.   I'm already signed up to attend two 'munches' (meetings for people in this world), and a rope play/suspension bondage workshop.  Exciting!!

Chat wise a few pro's be them men, women or couples; seem to have enjoyed my newbie attitude enough to try and guide/educate me without wanting anything back.  Like walking, talking versions of a sexual Wikipedia.  Equally I seem to have attracted the attention of three very real life Dom's - Two into Mastery/Slavery and the third into Domination Daddy/Little Girl roleplay. Lucky me!  lol  I'm not sure being 'collared' is up my street at the moment though. Still... Nice to be asked, especially when the people doing the asking are devilishly attractive... and tall.  Yes TALL!! It appears this world contains a heap of tall men!! Why oh WHY didn't I know this before now??

I'm already embarking on a little adventure (kinky but innocent-ISH), but I will fill you in on that at a later date.

Keen to hear your thoughts!

Florence & The Machine - You've Got The Love
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Going The Distance

A few of you have emailed to ask what my take on long-distance relationships is, and while I've mentioned that I've had to embark upon the dynamic of this before, I guess I never went into detail.

When I was dating Clutz he went to Africa for four months and ultimately that time apart meant we went our separate ways after one crazy heated night the day he returned, but we were young and the distance we had endured didn't really cause the change.  Equally Mr X went on two separate, lengthy, long-distance trips during the time we were together that saw me step back into that dynamic.

My thoughts on long-distance relationships is that that they are difficult to maintain and I think those that do surf the waves to success tend to have a great in-person relationship to build upon before distance is an issue, have open communication, a sense of adventure, and ultimately, an end goal. Something that will at some point see an end to the distance where a normal relationship can resume.  Contravercial as it may seem, especially as a 21st century chick living in the age of technology... I don't think two people that start out as long-distance can really go the distance.

So... As I promised this week would be about sexual honesty, how does that fit in?

Sexting

Sending sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone.

I love sexting someone I'm in a relationship with.  I don't think it is something that is particularly healthy as a daily theme, but utilised in the right way it has the ability to juice things up.  There's nothing more I like than knowing my man is in the middle of a stressful week at work and sending an unexpected treat.  When long distance isn't a factor, this can be anything from a saucy pic or pair of panties in his suit jacket, right through to a 'at 7pm I will be at X bar drinking a French martini and wearing nothing but my coat, heels and lingerie... At 7:10 I'll have left, so work hard today ;)'  

Long distance the thresholds change slightly, and a girl tends to have to be more aggressive in her approach, but the aim is always the same - unexpected timing in the hopes that your recipient is unable to leave his desk for the next 10 mins.

Phone Sex

A sexually explicit telephone conversation engaged in for sexual gratification.

This one is slightly harder to orchestrate due to time differences, and while I think for some phone sex is an elaborate process with dirty talk and story lines... For this little chick it is the virtual equivalent of 'I need you right here and right now against this wall'.  I've never been a fan of dirty talk, I think it's like role play only forced and the amount of men that think calling a woman a degrading name as part of phone sex is a turn on is insane.  Unless you have that kind of relationship in person where pet names and verbal humiliation is part of your 'thing', then why the hell are you bringing it up when the only method at your disposal is waxing lyrical?!

No, for me bloggers phone sex is about that final moment, where you have wound each other up so irrevocably when you can't be in the same place and so the next best thing is listening to, and vocalising your final moment while the person at the other end of the line does the same.  Simple, yet effective.

Cyber Sex

Sexual arousal using computer technology, or by exchanging messages with another person via the internet.

Web-camming again, isn't really my bag.  I think because it is the visual equivalent of elaborate dirty talk so if you're dating me and expect that we will be coming up with some lengthy ploy in which we are both meant to pretend we are in the same place... Think again.    I do however think that this virtual gateway is a necessity for all things long-distance.

Conversation is key and as great as texting and phone conversations can be, the look on someones face when you tell them your latest news, flirt or that you miss them, can sometimes be all you need to feel reassured.  Equally, if my man is at the other side of the world while you won't find this little chick up for an amateur type porn exchange, a saucy striptease to show your other half that you are missing them is almost compulsary.  Get your sassy on, just don't get your bits out :p

Surprise & Delight

Finally the #1 thing to keep a long distance relationship working... Unpredictability.  

Logging in, calling or texting the same stuff each day at the same time is only going to result in a very boring and grey relationship.  Send things in post. Change the tactic.  Mix it up.  If he sends you some lingerie, you make sure that the next time you wear it, its for his pleasure next time you talk.  If she sends you a kinky text at lunch... snap a pic and show her how turned on you are.

Long distance relationships have such a high failure rate so my advice if you are contemplating the possibility is to ask yourself one simple question 'Am I prepared to get a little adventurous, embrace my spontaneous side, and put in the work and are they willing to do the same'.  If you can't answer both with a firm yes... Don't even try.

Goldfrapp - Ooh La La

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Wicked World Of Fetish

So a few of you have requested that I revisit the world of fetish as part of this weeks attempt to give you an honest 21st century chicks perspective on sex. I think fetishism is a huge topic to cover and so while later I may post about some of the more unusual fetishes out there; today I shall give you a more personal view (eek).

If you have been reading this blog a while, you will know that fetishism is something that I've blogged about once before, however for you new readers, the only fact you really need to know is that this little chick is pro-fetish. That doesn't mean that I have a cupboard full of deep dark and fetishes myself (I have yet to uncover that one crazy thing that makes me go all Va VaVoom), but I am open to suggestion, and am liberated enough to have tried a few in the past - either at my own suggestion or my partners and why not?  I believe that fetishism can be an awesome way to spice up a sex life and if you stumble upon something that turns you on beyond belief along the way, then lucky you!   Regular sex is awesome, there is no denying that; but for this little chick an adventure every now and then is definitely something I tend to embrace, even if that does result in uncontrollable giggles or a firm 'no this isn't for me'.  

So here we go, a list of some the sexual fetish experiences I have embarked on:

Retifism & Podophilia

Shoe and/or Foot fetish.

Being a woman who has feet(size 3/4), I've had a fair few compliments on my 'dainty-ness', and several (some unusually) placed offers of a foot massage - friends, coaches, shoe sales people?? in the past; 99% of which I've declined. I find feet scary, mine less so, but in general... ugly, and the thought of anyone touching mine, let alone licking or sucking makes me anxious.  Equally wearing insanely uncomfortable shoes to highlight the attractiveness of my feet is somewhat perplexing to me (Although I may marry the guy that buys me that killer pair of black/red Louboutins).  However, as with most things in life, there is always an exception to the rule and as I know a couple of rather vocal foot fetishists I have actually attended a birthday party whereby crazy shoes were mandatory, toe sucking did occur (not mine), and a 'sexy foot catwalk' was held.  If you were wondering... I did feel obliged to enter, and  I came third. lol

Sex in public places

Not to be confused with voyeurism or exhibitionism.

I think most people at some point have embraced sex in a public place, and I can't say this is something that is high on my sexual to-do list, but I have dated someone who discovered this world of 'should we be doing this, will we get caught' really made him tick.

During my Uni days when I was dating Clutz we literally could not get enough of each other.  Any opportunity at all that presented itself for us to sneak into another room and tear off our clothes was taken.  Don't get me wrong, we had a seriously sensuous sex life and an appreciation for the lingering sublime, but when presented with an opportunity... rarely did it go to waste.  The discovery that that Clutz was into more risky ventures came into realisation however one fireworks night.  

Living in a block of flats where everyone was a medical/nursing student pretty much meant an open door policy with a few locations tending to be the regular hot-spots for socialisation; my flat was one of these.  On Guy Fawkes night one year we all organised to go to the local display, wooly gloves and sparklers at the ready.  I had just finished a shift at the hospital and so Clutz and I arranged to meet everyone there slightly later.  I got showered, changed and ready to go, but with the opportunity of an empty flat one thing led to another... So when groups of people started to unexpectedly reappear in our kitchen/dining/living room to watch the display out the window because 'the weather had taken a turn', little did they know that the seemingly 'innocent cuddle' taking place on the chair directly in front of said window actually constituted of my panties pulled to one side and Clutz erect and now exploding penis inside.  I could barely contain my embarrassment and amusement at the situation, but stuck there as we were, I also couldn't get up and relocate without exposing him.  It was the most scary 20mins of my life!  It did however act as a giant neon sign in terms of awakening a fetish for Clutz, and in the years that followed I helped him tick a few interesting locations off his list:  Sex on a night bus, Oral sex while stuck in traffic (he nearly crashed the car), an interesting trip to the Museum of Modern Art in Dublin, and the most amusing: Sex (at night) on the center pitch of a well known UEFA qualifying football team.  It's a good job social media and camera phones weren't as widely used back then!

Stigmatophilia

Arousal from piercings and/or tattoos

In the dictionary this is defined as a 'sexual perversion' and relates to either the pleasure gained when getting tattoos/piercings, or the sexual attraction to others who have them.  I can safely say, I have both.

As you know bloggers I have a couple of well placed tattoos and a few dermal's/piercings although I often no longer wear them. While I didn't glean any satisfaction from having a tattoo, the rush however, during and after being pierced definitely releases the kind of adrenaline that for me, pushes a certain button.  I'm not into genital, eyebrow, nose, or facial piercings, nor do I think any and every tattoo is attractive; in fact, I find the majority tacky (so I'm not sure where this places me on the stigmatophilia scale), but certain piercings and tattoos definitely pique my interest more than a little.  A pierced lip on guy, especially if it is a hoop and at the side... absolutely turns me on, and a well done tattoo sleeve even more so.  Pierced lips on women don't tend to have the same effect, but a well placed dermal on a hip or collar bone for example... lush!  You could argue that stigmatophilia is perhaps just a physical preference, but I would have to disagree.  I like dark hair and eyes also, but that combination doesn't even come close to the carnal attraction I feel when a hot punky-funky guy catches my eye in a bar.  Beeze!

BDSM

Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission.

I used to think everyone had dabbled in BDSM at some point.  I mean, as with anything there is a scale depending on how far you want to go, but as well known as it is, it made sense to me that the majority of people had dipped in a toe.  Recently however I've come to realise that the majority of people out there haven't even been tied up... shocking really.  

I love a bit of BDSM.  I don't consider anything I've done that extreme in terms of this fetish, especially as I tend to incorporate elements into every sexual relationship I've ever embarked on with the exception of Cherry who expressed his apprehension almost instantly and so respecting his 'hard line' didn't pursue things, no wonder we didn't work out!

I know when you really delve into this world you tend to take on a role, either that of the dominant or the submissive (cue the references to 50 shades), but to glean elements... I think it allows sexual partners to earn trust, discover each others bodies, and more importantly, learn what makes the person you are sleeping with tick.  If you can't move, and you cant see, not only do your senses awaken, but you are almost forced into communicating how each touch feels - what is good, what is bad, what turns you on when your inhibitions are somewhat stifled because you have relented control.  It is a game of trust, trust needs to be earned and built upon, but a game never the less I see many advantages in playing, even if rarely.  

BDSM isn't something you can jump straight into,  enjoyment and pleasure go straight out the window if the only thought running through your mind is that of sheer terror.  Nervousness however, now that's a whole other ball game completely.  Nervousness, when you know, and trust the other person, can be arousing in itself and so be whether your preference be that of a 101 approach, or taking it to extremes, BDSM is one fetish that this little chick firmly approves of.  So where have I taken this journey? 

• Domination / Submission
• Restraints/Bondage (handcuffs, silk scarves, blindfolds...  It doesn't have to be scary)
• Whipping/Spanking/Flogging (not really my thing but fun at times and embraced in the past due to a partners lust for this particular nuance)
• Role play
• Wax play
• Dressing up

There are definitely some hard lines for me in terms of BDSM, I know without even trying that Humiliation, Water Sports, Coprophilia, Medical play, CBT, Electrostimulation and Tickle Torture are most definitely out, but there are still a few explorations that I would want to tick off my sexual bucket list. Suspension (helloooo sex swing), Spreader bars, further domination/submission role play and most definitely wax play (something unexpectedly found that I do enjoy, but in the past have found partners either perplexed by the concept or reluctant to partake for fear of pain or inflicting pain (I don't think they really got the point lol), are high on my to-do list.

So. I think without turning my blog into some kind of sexual story, or this entry into an essay, I have made a reasonable attempt at talking about my experiences with all things fetish.  Of course there are many other experiences I could have told you about, and there are more than a few items still left on my sexual bucket list, but there is a whole week ahead of us, and some things... Well, they can wait for another day ;)

If you are interested in the previous blog on this topic where I talk about: Looners, Technosexuality, Furry Fandom, Objectophilia, Sploshing and Pedal Pumping, click here.

Metric - Torture Me

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Blurred Lines

Recently I had started talking to someone who I came across in a less than usual way - Lets call him Wilbur (a reference I find apt due to the spidery nature his life and the link to Charlottes Webb).  Anyway, Wilbur is one of the most charasmatic and intelligent people I have met in a while.  Interesting to talk to, witty, and all in all what I perceive to be a pretty genuine person; the kind of person everyone needs in their lives right?  

In the last week or so Wilbur and I have exchanged many a conversation and each a pleasure, although unfortunately due to some of the topics, also a sticking point.  You see Wilbur is someone living in a complex set of circumstances; circumstances that make a friendship with him, however platonic... difficult.  The kind of friendship that would see two people shooting the proverbial and trying to point out potential future paths for each other, separate, but equally opening the door to an exchange that on his part would have to remain a secret.  A  friendship that  could never be spoken of. A friendship that by its very nature, would blurr the line; and there in lies the rub.

Last night after speaking with Wilbur via text, I left the conversation feeling amused (I had given him a bit of a hard time in terms of telling him he needed to change the approach to his current situation, and surprisingly, despite my bluntness, he just... well agreed?!?) I equally left feeling somewhat (and for want of a better word), unclean. 

You see, as you know I am a very black and white person when it comes to certain aspects of my life... crossing boundaries with someone who has a significant other in their life being one of them.  A clear and measured approach.  I have zero interest in being 'the other woman', but this situation... it isn't about 'being the other woman', it just comes with some of the same restraints.  I guess it is difficult to define as clearly, but a secret friend vs a secret girfriend... are they really that different?

Don't get me wrong bloggers, a tone was set from the start, the rules accepted, and the exchange... innocent.  Nothing in this world would, or could ever make me cross that line.  I think the Beeze situation pretty much proved that point; but still, being a secret friend... the concept is one that chews away at my brain.

Before I went to bed last night I opened my email, tapped the keys letting my thoughts pour out, crudely explaining my reservations, and to a large extent, I pretty much closed the door. 'Thanks for the conversation, but I've calibrated the scales and my halo was found somewhat wanting.'  I mean, a friendship, however platonic surely can't sit on the right side of a clear conscience if it is a secret right?

Why is it then, that rather than feeling exonerated from any wrong doing, I feel somewhat like... well, an ass.  Did I just close the door to someone who really just needed a friend, and in an unlikely twist of the universe found me, someone he felt he could relate to, someone disconnected and therefore someone open to being brutally honest at a time when things are at their most challenging?  Equally, did I close the door to someone also holding out their helping hand in my direction.

Could it be that I have perhaps stumbled upon a scale that won't balance, regardless of which side of the fence I choose to sit?  Did I do the wrong thing? 

Robin Thicke Ft. Pharrell - Blurred Lines
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Taboo

A conversation with Evanescence this afternoon:

Evanescence:  What are you doing?

Ser3ndipity:  Eating lunch

Evanescence:  What are you having?

Ser3ndipity:  Tuna salad

Evanescence:  You are always eating tuna

Ser3ndipity:  It's a good source of protein

Evanescence:  You know, seamen is high in protein

I love Evanescence but she, like most women I've met; is a total contradiction.  At times we have the conversational etiquette of a male locker room, verbally jostling each other in the most outlandish ways and yet in the 'real world' we couldn't be any more different.  

You see in the past I've been presented with many an opportunity to infiltrate and gain insight into the female psyche, and I have to say... I'm almost always disappointed as a good 80% seem to fall into a category that I've come to call 'vanilla'. The women that give off the impression that they are sexually confident but when you dig a little deeper... not so much.  Let me try and give you some examples:

50 Shades of Grey

I'm pretty sure everyone and their dog by now has now heard of this trilogy, at one point you couldn't grab a coffee, jump a bus or even walk through an office (yes an office) without seeing someone engrossed in a dog eared copy. I can't lie, with all the hype I myself bought the set, but the fundamental difference between me and the liberated 20% versus the remaining 80%... We didn't have our minds blown.  I'll admit, despite a LOT of literary criticism, I think the book is somewhat well written.  The prose is reasonable and for the first ten or so chapters you really do feel like something exciting is going to happen, but then... Nothing.  There is absolutely nothing in this book that your average 18-21yr old freshman hasn't tried... Or at least that's what I thought until I realised the whirlwind of flushed faces this book caused.  It's like people didn't already know Cliterature existed.  We grew up in the times of Literotica people... where the hell have you been hiding?

Sex Toy City

So we have all seen sex and the city, we have equally all had a laugh at Samantha's 'back massager' antics, so the probability of most 20-30-somethings owning a few toys of their own is up there right?  Wrong!  A good 50% of the women I know (most of which I hasten to add you would assume are sexually liberated) don't own a sex toy, and at least 30% of the ones that do got it as a gift and refuse to use it.  How is this even possible?  

• We are generation X.  
• We are the children of the 90s.  
• We are the women amid the Ann Summers revolution, and the Euro Trash boom!.  
• We ARE generation seX! 

Yet, as a chick who has been tapped into this world since 18 (hosting Ann Summers parties practically paid my way through first year Uni), I can safely say that while we women will often openly talk about these programs and characters, there are only a few that truly appreciate the beauty in a battery assisted friend.

Porn

With the introduction of the internet, porn is now as easy to find as your local takeaway.  Whatever your pleasure, guaranteed there is a site to satisfy your every need.  Yet for some reason, the industry always has, and I'm sure always will, be male-centric.  I can safely say, women, never, ever, ever, talk about porn.

And that bloggers brings us round to the most mind boggling point of note, and the biggest sexual taboo to exist in the world of women today... 

Masturbation

Yep, I said it.  Masturbation.  The most basic, carnal instinct any person can have and yet... Not only is it a female taboo subject, but for those who do touch upon the subject (excuse the pun) from time to time... It still evokes a deep seeded feeling of guilt and shame.

• Women who are unhappy with their sex lives but can't/won't talk to their partners to tell them what they like because they have never worked it out for themselves.  
• Women who are upset and broken because they have found their partners masturbating and don't understand why 'they aren't enough'.  
• Women who are going insane with sexual frustration due to long term relationships and yet still, still refuse to quench their desire.

No bloggers, female masturbation is seriously controversial subject.  So much so that even though that even those who do embrace know it is not something to be talked about.  It is an unwritten rule.  I mean sure you can joke about it, but an actual conversation... oh hell no!

What complex and complicated sexual lives we lead.  So scared, so inhibited and so repressed that it leaves us... vanilla.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all women are like this, nor do I think you need to be swinging from the light fixture to be having a good time, but surely this cloak and dagger approach is nothing but a hindrance to sexual gratification.

Time to pop the bubble.  Viva La Sexual Revolution!

Post a comment or email your thoughts, subject matters, suggestions and over the next few days this little 21st century chick will attempt to dispel some of the myths.  And what better way to start the revolution than with this, the sexiest song ever written:

Paula Cole - Feelin' Love
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Shortie

I used to think I was 5'6" (which is apparently the average height for a woman), but recently that illusion has been shattered and it appears this 'little' chick is 5'3"... Just.

I'm short... How had I not realised this before?  I have always been called short by a few people, but I've never really felt it.  I look at other people that are 5'3" and they don't seem the same height.  They always seemed... well, shorter.  

The revelation came about when a guy I know in New Jersey (lets call him A-Team on account of his love for paintball) made me get out a tape measure to prove my 5'6"-ness.  A-Team, who is on the tall side of 6'3" has called me 'shortie' since day one and often makes little digs about my small hands/feet, and my need for a step ladder as I have to stand on tiptoes to reach the top shelf in my kitchen cupboards (...but I'm sure they are stupidly high, yes, so were the ones in my previous apartment); and I've loved the humor, but with a bet at stake I lined myself up against the wall to prove my stature, and he turned out to be right... The tape measure did it's thing and low and behold... I've lost 3 inches.  Three!!  Actually, three and a quarter if you want to be pedantic.

I have to say,  I'm not sure how I feel.  I'm torn about my newly realised height status.  

On the plus side:  I love tall men.  The taller the better.  I like having to stand on my tiptoes for a kiss, feeling engulfed in a hug; and what girl doesn't like being thrown around the bedroom like a ragdoll?  Also, if experience has taught me one thing over the years, its that tall men, the really tall ones... Well, they tend to like short women.  The shorter the better.  Both of my brothers are perfect examples of this.  The one I'm closet to in age is 6'4" and his wife... 4'8".  I am on the tall side of short though... I feel I would need to shave off another couple of inches to really gain the niche advantage. 

On the down side:  I have recently discovered that should you be out with a group of friends at a bar (I warn you now, don't read on if you are likely to feel irritated at the probable comparison of men to trade items.. livestock if you will), and two of you both clock the same overtly tall guy, it is apparently (and I quote) 'only fair that the taller girl gets to try and work her magic first as there aren't that many men of a certain height out there'  Err saywhat?!?!   To put this into perspective bloggers, with the exception of Red... Who I am now aware is less than an inch smaller than me, I would always get 'second dibbs'. Incidentally I do get that the tone of today's posting is somewhat comparable to playground chat, but second dibbs just because I'm shorter!?  Every girl I know is taller than me, so that just isn't going to wash!

Nope.  I still want tall.  At 5'3" I just need to pull an Ashley Tisdale (5'3")and get myself a Scott Speer (6'4").

How is it again that I didn't realise I was short?  I might need to get the tape measure out again... just to be sure.

Ellie Goulding - Anything Could Happen

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Thanks & Swimming Pools

It is strange that I'm living in chaos at the moment and yet life doesn't seem to be moving.  Somehow however, in the depths of this blurry mess, things have become crystal clear.  

Work wise I'm still turning the cogs and hoping something is going to give. Friday brought a whole new low that saw me plough through yet more rejection letters right before embarking upon another 'I just can't believe you haven't found something yet' conversation.  A conversation that ultimately tipped the delicate balance and saw me having a total meltdown... in public.  However just as I had walked away, eyes full of tears and face all read and blotchy; as I was running home amid a world of hurt and hopelessness, there was old lady.  She stopped me by grabbing my arm and asking if I was ok.  I lied of course, allergies was my response, but she knew... her face was kind as she squeezed my arm, gave me a smile ,and went on her way. Thank you.

Friendship wise, a few people have also really surprised me this last week. Each knowing I'm stubborn and full of pride, they have all found cunning ways of creeping in past the barriers and extending a helping hand; the kind of hand that you didn't see coming and is presented in such a way that there is no yes/no, just five fingers right in front of you, just there, ready to grab hold of. Mercury, Evanessence, Herb and Baron, somehow finding ways to let me know they are there at the time when little do they realise, I need them most. Quintessential timing.  Thankyou.

Love life wise, I said yes to a date at the weekend.  Meeting someone new is the last thing on my list of priorities at the moment, but I figured a good flirt could be just the thing to lift my mood.  It was a guy that has messaged me a few times on a music site (a social network specifically set aside to meet and chat to people about bands, albums, ride shares, gigs etc.  Not a dating site). The guy had posted a comment about an upcoming album, I responded, and upon reading he suggested he take me on a coffee date to talk some more.  I figured why not.  He was cute, and it was nice to chat, but when it came down to it, despite our common taste in music, he had the personality of a brick.  Unfortunately he seemed to think it went well and so I had to send the 'not gonna happen' text yesterday.  Also, my magnet for attracting 'the wrong sort' is still in operation it seems as this past weekend both El Dempasso and one other guy - the one I told you I caught up with at Herb & Barons wedding (who have girlfiends/wives) have both made pretty inappropriate moves.  As usual, I didn't bite and was pretty stern in my response.  Hopefully this time, so much so that there isn't a repeat performance.

The thing is, of late, a few people have questioned my 'fussy' nature in terms of dating, and when several people all start singing the same song it kinda makes sense to take another look.  I'm glad I did.  I looked.  I looked some more, and then I realised...  The few people that I know that are genuinely happy in their relationships have never once questioned why I don't want to go on a second date with someone; why I date a lot but get into relationships infrequently, or why I don't give someone 'another chance' once I've already ruled them out.  Nor have they ever suggested I should I should lower my standards.  No. The only people that have ever suggested I 'pop the fairytale notions' are the ones that are either too scared to put themselves out there, or the ones that did; aren't happy with their decision, and are too scared to move on. 

The truth is bloggers, I might have an idea of who or what I'm looking for, and yes, that 'list' might be difficult to find, but I'm not asking for perfection.  I know that relationships take a lot of work and that love can sometimes be found in the most unexpected places; but at the same time, why shouldn't I get to chose what that looks like.  

I'm absolutely willing to sail the seas of compromise once I've made the decision to be with someone, but that doesn't mean I have to change who I want to be with in the first instance.  So...  I've looked, I've questioned, and then just for good measure I deliberated some more, and you know what... I decided I deserve everything I want.  Yes I might be single, and hell, you don't have to tell me that finding someone 'right' is going to be difficult, but being single isn't half as bad as being stuck with someone that isn't right for you; and it certainly isn't worse that living with blinkers, living a lie where either I or my significant other are looking for opportunities to cheat/gain gratification elsewhere.  So for making me question, and in doing so making me realise that I decidedly have it right,  Thank you.

When you think you've hit rock bottom and begin to climb only for life to hand you another fat, sour lemon, its pretty easy to miss some of the glimmers of hope.  Its also pretty difficult to find the head space you need when (for me at least) that is underwater, completely alone, and your budget no longer stretches to gym/pool membership.  But, if you look, and I mean truly look; past all the drama, all the crap, and all the white noise... you'll find them. Little snippets.  Things and people to be thankful for.  Thankful that you have things to be thankful for, and thankful that despite it all, you still have your own sense of self.  An understanding that regardless of everything else you are still standing, and that the only person in your race, is you.

Now if someone could just hand me a years membership to the private pool close to my apartment so I could find those glimmers a little easier, that would be great :p

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On

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