Just Ducky

When your life is in turmoil friends are always keen to offer a 'helping hand' regurgitating quotes and offering verbal life anthems.  "Good things happen to good people", "Everything will change soon and then you'll be laughing", "Something amazing is just around the corner"... Let me just grab a pin an pop those verbal bubbles.

Nothing in this world is handed on a plate and nothing worth having comes easily.  These are the lessons of life.  Sure, I mean I'm a fan of encouragement as much as the next person, but when the world is crashing down past your ears and people are muttering well meaning quotes in the background it takes every ounce of self restraint not to twist round and pop said motivater in the face.  POW!  

For those walking against the wind and fighting to keep their mental sanity worldwide I would like to tell you to shove the silver lining, fairytale ending verbal diarrhea up your ass.  ps:  I thanks for meaning well but if you keep this up I will be forced to remove you from all social media and quite possibly my Christmas card list.

However, as with any rule, there has to be a couple of exceptions... Introducing my exceptions:

• Sucess is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm (Winston Churchill)
• Tough times never last but tough people do (Robert H Schuller). 
• Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again (Alex Tan)

The only exception to instantly make me smile...

• You only need to make it to 34 and then you've beaten Jesus at living (Sarah Millican)

I'm not saying that things are going to get better for me anytime soon, I'm also not saying that I've found a new found superhero zest for life, and I'm certainly not  expecting anything but a large hill and a rocky road ahead.  I can however safely say that I'm officially at the bottom and the thing about the bottom is that there's only one way to go.  

I'm going to keep making like a duck and cranking up the music

Oasis - Cast No Shadow

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Love or Career?

In the past I've always let my heart rule my head.  I've trusted my instincts, followed my gut and have fallen hopelessly and whole heartedly in love... twice.  I've thrown caution to the wind, placed 'us' in front of 'me' and where did it get me... no further forward.

If posed with the question Love or Career now, with the options holding butterflies and what-if's vs. hard work and a path to progression I know which way I would turn.  

I need to take the time to get 'me' in the right place.  To be the chick who jets off to a sandy beach and reads a book on the beach sipping a Mai Thai. The woman who rocks the latest line of workwear and teeters about the place in killer heels while others run home to dirty daipers and tv box sets.

Life has handed me some seriously crappy hands this last while, and a couple of curve balls and I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I've taken them all in my stride.  The point is however, that I'm still here, I'm still standing, and I'm ready and waiting for the next punch.  This time around life is going to be catching some air.

Welcome back bloggers.  The page might be a work in progress at present, but so is life.  I hope you kept those socks rolled up and that spoon handy, because I'm about to hand you one hell of a slice of life.

Welcome to Ser3ndipity 2.0

Kings of Leon - Arizona

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Perseverence

perseverance

pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/

noun

1. 1.

   persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

   "medicine is a field which requires dedication and perseverance"

   synonyms:

   persistence, tenacity, determination, resolve, resolution, resoluteness,staying power, purposefulness, firmness of purpose; More

I feel like a potato.  I'm versatile, liked by most and a great all rounder but not exactly the most exotic or interesting looking.  I can be chopped up, diced into little pieces, mashed, bashed and dissected but at the end of the day, however small the fragments are... A potato to the end.  Strong and proud and never to be underestimated.

2013 was the year I felt great things were lined up in the Universe for me. The year with the unlucky number attached.  Perfect for this chick.  It seems however that life was set to conspire against me, lure me into a false sense of security and then create a web so complex and dark that up becomes down and East becomes West.

I have no such hopes for 2014 and so here I am, a simple potato only this time I won't be blindsided.

No job, No money, No guy, No security and No prospects, but the last trumps them all... No plans to give up.

I will see you 2013 and I will raise you the remaining months of 2014.  I am going to step up, beat down the bullshit and take you down and I am going to blog my stubborn, creative, bruised but not yet broken ass during the process. 

New attitude.  New URL.

Link to be posted later today.

Perseverance - Terrorvision
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Stolen Privacy & Blog Longing

In the last month there have been a heap of times when I've wanted to post on here, I've opened my laptop, signed in, clicked 'new' and then have decided against it.  101 topics have been flowing through my mind, most of which interesting and yet somehow I've not been able to click the buttons and write the page.  I wasn't sure why but then it hit me.

When I started this blog it was a release.  An unknown page where I could vent and release all my thoughts, feelings, laughs, worries and insights to an unknown crowd without being judged.  Putting your heart and soul out there for the world to see isn't an easy feat and so while my location, face and name have never been disclosed, the content of these pages have been nothing if not brutally honest.  A place where I can show my many faces without worrying what people think.

The thing is... A while ago, that release was breached.  My little piece of sanity in this world was tracked down, scrolled through and wolfed down by someone in my day-to-day life. Someone who knew I had the blog and despite knowing what pleasure it gave me to submerge my innermost thoughts into the world anonymously, how it helped me cope, and made me smile, they decided to steal it.  They stole the hiding place for my words and in doing so took my go-to place.  My safe haven.

I was in one of the deepest darkest places I've ever been in 2009 when I scrawled my first page and the whole thing has been the biggest form of free therapy a 21st century chick could ask for.  The question is can I bring myself to continue... knowing that this person; someone from my real-world, a thief, who wasn't invited into this realm of reality, could at any given time find and read my inner most thoughts is disgusting to me. 

I'm torn.  

I'm at a point in my life when I feel waffling on about nonsense with the occasional blurb about how I'm feeling is just what the Dr ordered and is exactly what I need right now.  Especially knowing that some of you have been with me on my journey since it started and I really enjoy getting your messages and comments; but I hate that in doing so I'm opening myself up to someone else without invitation.  OOJ told me he would never read my blog after he found it and I wanted to believe him but realistically I've written very little since.  Do I throw it all away and start again, saying goodbye to Ser3ndipity and all of you...?  Or do I leave myself open in a way that no-one ever does to the people in their lives?  

In an ideal world we all know that if you found somebodies diary you should leave the pages unturned, but how many of us could resist.

I miss my blog and I hate that someone took it away from me.

Gabrielle Aplin - Salvation
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22 Days and Counting

My life has gone horribly wrong.  Things couldn't be on the downturn anymore if they tried.  

Despite applying for 387 jobs and counting and having attended in excess of 60 interviews at various stages, this morning I opened the mail and received 2 more 'unsuccessful' responses and keeping me at 0 offers.  Positive thinking can only carry you so far before you being to question your very ability and once that happens of course you are going to be useless.

I thought I was one more rejection away from popping when I interviewed for a position this last Monday.  I fell in love with the company over the course of interviews and was certain that I had sold myself as well as possible at the final stage.  Yet... I opened a crisp white envelope this morning telling me yet again that I have somehow fallen short of the grade.

I haven't blogged in a while as I felt with health things and boy things and job things... THINGS!  I really needed to concentrate on lining my ducks up, but it appears that concentrating my efforts in a productive manner hasn't aided me one iota and so I quit.  

I quit being stressed, I quit getting my hopes up when I make it to the final stage for the 30th time, and I quit thinking that I'm a good person and so something is waiting for me around the corner.  That student loan I can't afford to pay back will just have to wait.  The student overdraft that has now become a noose around my head charging me £1 a day to be sat in it with no escape and the pending knowledge that my non existent credit score (you don't get credit if you have never borrowed) is about to be crushed into nothingness as the debt gets passed elsewhere... well... There is fuck all I can do about it and so why let it make me sick. 

This last 7 days worrying and stressing in between applying for things.  I've number crunched, applied, interviewed, presented, chased up, schmoozed, number crunched some more and there are no two ways about it.  My rent bills and council tax are higher than my in-comings.  I can't get a job either permanent or temporary despite my skills and my consistent chasing up of agencies and applications online and in person (yes I have walked round places) and despite the fact I felt that things in life this disastrous only really happened to 'other people' who really didn't want to work and contribute to society anyway.  It appears.  I am about to get a giant spoon of reality.

In 22 days I shall be homeless.  Let that sink in.  

Homeless.  Me.  A 20 something year old with skills and a want to work. 

Jobless.  Penniless.  Homeless.  Hopeless.  Helpless.  Fuck.

I can't afford my rent/bills and moving out of this place means applying for another with no income is impossible through any agency or private letting person.  Council properties aren't available to me as there are waiting lists and I'm not considered a 'priority' and while there are a few couches I could surf, I am not going to put myself in a position where I am a burden to any of my friends.  The saving grace here is that mum is financially stable and won't be affected by it all.  

So no.  Today and quite possibly tomorrow I shall be getting my head out of this awful awful place and try and think of a creative solution to my problems.  Surely there has to be work out there for someone who wants to work.  Overqualified and Under qualified seems to be kicking the crap outta me at the moment but there must be a work around.  I'm a smart girl and this entire disaster must be avoidable.  Yes.  I just need to work out what I've missed.

Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
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Girly MOT

So today was checkup day at the breast clinic and also the day for me to go and have my annual 'sensible people' checkup at the GUM clinic.  Yes... I did just go there.

The breast clinic was really a serious reality check, everything seems so innocent until you open those double doors and are met with a sea of women looking rather pale and wearing hats.  There was something really humbling sat there looking around.  Not because these women are sick, but because they are clearly despite this still part of the grind.  Business suits and damp from the rain, all day bus passes and exhausted wind swept faces.  Life hasn't stopped and they just need to keep on keeping on.  I've been given the thumbs up until my next check-in just after my birthday in Feb.  Happy days.

The MOT however... that was something all together different.  If you are easily grossed out and/or don't like hearing about our lady parts you might want to stop reading now.

For those of you who have never graced the doors of the GUM clinic before first of all... why?!?! and second of all... it is the most surreal waiting room you will ever sit in.  The number one rule is that you must not make eye contact with anyone.  The number two rule is that you need to keep your facial expressions to the minimum.  I mean we all do it; sat there surrounded by self help leaflets and STI posters 'I wonder what she has', 'oh there's a couple that must be a pregnancy', 'she looks too smart to be in here for anything dirty it must be a smear'.  You like to think you are one of the ones that people are grouping into the 'It must be for contraception' brackets but in reality lets face it, everyone is looking about and thinking the same 'dirty trout'.

So as I was saying, my annual STI check (a girl can never be too safe or too smart), my annual smear test (as you do) and this time around the removal of my current best friend the 'you can't get pregnant with me, copper iud'.  Yes it was finally time to part ways with my little gadget.  And now cue the slightly gross but highly amusing Bridget Jones moment:

I was sat in the usual position, laid back, bum on the edge of the bench, knees bent, legs in stirrups with the doctor between my thighs doing her thing while yielding the giant spotlight when I found myself in a moment of utter embarrassing comedy genius.  The doctor had just finished taking the swabs for my tests (god I hate that word... swab... yuck) and was beginning to get herself into position and talk me through the removal of the iud when out of nowhere as if talking to herself I heard the words "Yes that really is a very healthy and good looking cervix"  cue the most bizarre comment I have ever had, me bursting into giggles and then cue the speculum shooting out of my girl parts and hitting her in the face... yes, the face! 

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right then and there.  Bridget Jones sliding down her pole and bearing her pants has nothing on that moment.  

The doctor however was professional to a fault and despite having what I think I saw was a silent chuckle to herself she assured me that she was ok and that she would normally ask someone to cough as she removes the iud but on this circumstance she was just going to request that I clear my throat as with my exceptionally strong pelvic floor muscles she didn't want to risk (and I quote) "Losing an eye".  Holy Crap!

On the plus side, if times ever get tough I think I have a potential future career in certain areas of Thailand.

Greg Laswell -This Woman's Work
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Never Been Married

I'm not sure how it happened.  When did the world change so much?  How did I suddenly become the 'odd one out' in a sea of engaged and married people.

When you're growing up you never really think about being eternally single.  You dream about meeting prince charming (or princess, whatever rocks your world), you hope you don't have to kiss to many ugly frogs along the way, and you just expect the 'Happily Ever After' part to fall into place.  Funny how it never really works out like that.

I remember in my late teens watching people get into serious relationships and wondering what they were thinking, they were too young, they hadn't lived enough and why wouldn't they want to sample all the beauty there is on offer before tying themselves down.  A few fell in and out of love and I myself found Clutz who stole my heart; for a few years at least.  There are a few that have made it, taken young love and have married and settled down with kids.  Do I envy them... not really.  They gave up life's rich pastures too young I think.

In your mid 20s things tend to change.  A new wave of relationships swoops in and before you know it a chunk of your friends have decided that living on the wild side is not for them anymore as they gaze into the eyes of the one person among all the others that sets their heart on fire.  These I think are the lucky ones.  Young enough to embrace experiences and grow together.  Old enough to have taken a walk on the wild side.  These people are now pretty much all married and with kids.

Fast forward to your late 20s and all of a sudden being single isn't as simple anymore.  Most of your friends are in relationships and you suddenly become the source of their 'juicy gossip', who you are dating, who you kissed, what it feels like to be free as a bird.  Compare and contrast and it is a bitter sweet pill you swallow but one you embrace with a deep breath knowing that unlike some in this phase... you were asked and you had offers but none of them were right and you refuse to settle.

Close your eyes and open them again and you find yourself in your early 30s, single, compromise free and suddenly wondering what the hell were you thinking.  Yes you didn't settle and you can't help but feel lucky for that, but the relationships you tried to make work also failed and somehow you're now in the twilight zone.  The last of your friends are now announcing first babies and weddings and even the more hardy suddenly seem to be getting engaged.  Look around and you're surrounded by a sea of couples and somehow you have managed to turn into the party gooseberry.  No longer are you the source of juicy gossip, we all know the sex and the city girls were well in their 30s when they started to settle down but this is real life and if you aren't CEO of some major corporation then you sure as hell better get ready to become accustomed to the pitying looks of 'too much baggage', 'too picky', 'too unrealistic', 'gonna be single forever' and forbid the horror of the 'young spinster' stare.

Yes I can safely say I chose my path to where I am and I stood my ground when lesser men came knocking but I'm not so sure I'm laughing now.  Happily Ever After somehow seems to have become 'Someday Never'.

I wonder if the next stage is cynical.  Oh please no, not cynical!

My someday never song.

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

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PS:  I'm Back

30

I stumbled upon a couple of posts relating to this and so lets see how we fit bloggers...

What should you have?

One old long-term boyfriend
check
A piece of non flat-pack furniture
Oops
A tailored work suit
Hmm
A past juicy enough you look forward to telling when you're old
Massive check
An old age fund
Yeah, I'm still in denial about getting old
A CV that isn't even remotely padded
Yeah, this is never going to happen
A satisfying career
I'm still working on this
A tool kit
Double check - one in the house, one in my car *smug
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself
Myself... bought for anyone would be a surprise.  A solid no here.

What should you know?

How to fall in love without losing yourself
I'm not sure how I feel about this
Whether you want kids
This is a tricky one as I do, but I think perhaps not at this age.  Ola future adoption
When to try harder and when to walk away
I think I'm starting to get this one...  If only I had worked it out earlier
How to kiss in a way that conveys exactly where you want to go next
Nailed it!
Where to go when your soul needs soothing
The beach or a concert... every time!
What you would and wouldn't do for money
Yeah I think it's safe to say I absolutely know how low I'm willing to go
What you would and wouldn't do for love
I'm a sucker when in love, but I don't think I'm a fool... maybe
Who you trust, who you can't and why not to take it personally
I've got this one sorted and I can be as cut throat as the next chick
Not to apologise when something isn't your fault
I'm quick to apologise when something IS but yeah, I'm a stone otherwise

And just because this is a Ser3ndipity blog...
Things you should have done with a naked man (according to cosmo)

Sneak up behind him
I feel this is a no brainer
Let him be an animal
If this is in the literal sense then no... chuckle
Breakout a blindfold
Always
Climb on top
I have to say this particular move is my nemisis... for a sexually confident girl I always go eek when I take this particular bull by the horns
Take a 'sensual' shower
Much easier to do than a sensual bath let me tell you
Find his g-spot
Well ladies, we all know where this is but it takes a deep breath and whole heap of trust for this one.  I have however been on this particular adventure.
Massage his bum
Haha check
Unleash your dominatrix
I love mixing it up like this so a definite check
Give him a striptease
This hasn't always gone to plan - Think copious amounts of hilarity

I don't know about you bloggers... but I am somewhat disappointed by cosmo.   I'm pretty sure I could have made a better list

Surrounded by Water

I'm not quite there yet.

Not quite where I need to be.

I might not ever get there.

Things don't stop though, you have to carry on.

Sit still.

Time still ticks.

Torn in a world between numbness and panic.

I will be back.

Tomorrow.

Feist - Fire in the Water
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Lumps & Bumps

The last few weeks have been a blur which is why I have been lacking on the blog front but let me fill you in and then onwards with the banter moving forward!

I've pretty much done nothing in terms of productiveness as my head has been all over the place.  This last month or so my right breast has been a little sore.  I put it down to shoulder-related antics (as those of you who have been reading this blog a while will know, I went through a period of having a constantly dislocating shoulder).  Anyway, I couldn't feel any lumps but as it doesn't seem to be going away I decided to get the all ok from the GP a couple of weeks ago.  Unfortunately what I thought would be the GP telling me would boil down to 'growing pains' or 'regular aches', she told me that she could feel several lumps and due to my family history was going to send me for further tests.  A few fuzzy looking photos later and I'm now being pushed through the system on fast track for a biopsy, a genetic test and who knows what else.

To be honest I don't feel overly stressed or worried about the situation despite on pressing/pushing being told that I currently have 'worrying results' but I just can't seem to get my head in the game.  In just over a week I'm sure I will be given a pat on the back and told to 'just keep getting checked regularly' but grrrr can't focus!

Cilla has invited me to go and live with her in the land of the tax free which I am seriously contemplating and Clio and I are nailing this bridesmaid/hen weekend stuff.

Men wise I've clearly been off the radar however I've quite a few things coming up over the next few weeks which will see me catching up with a few faces... Red, Balloo, Herb, Clio, G-Star and Clerk... Yes Clerk.  Despite our best intentions we havan't seen each other in the last 6 months - we are officially useless lol.  

Flat wise I've extended my lease another month just to get over this hump but I'm deffo on the move.  

Tomorrow's blog... Time for a little kink I think 

"This is clean"

It is so hard to take life with two hands, why is it that despite our best intentions people always end up in a perpetual loop of boring apart from a lucky few.

I'll take an unemployed carpenter (you should get that if you follow the tunes I post) a cool riff and an adventure if you don't mind.  

Things people don't do enough of but should because lets face it... Life rocks much more when you do.

1.  Dancing

2.  Singing

3.  Paddling in the sea

4.  Wearing shorts in the sunshine

5.  Playing on a swing

6. Riding a bike bike/skateboard/surfing/skiing/rollerskating

7.  Playing music

8.  Water fight

9.  Team sports (basketball, football, rugby, roller derby, rounders)

10. Hopscotch

11. Changing your image

12. Dancing (yes... again)

13. Sex

Seriously, think about it... If you dedicated an hour of your life each day to one of the things on the list above.  Life would be sweeeeet!

Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket

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Rockin' A Rainbow

Well... To say my hair didn't turn out exactly to plan is somewhat of an understatement.  What should have been epic actually turned out to be... oh dear!

Colour B4 lied to me!! It said I could indeed dye my hair the desired colour after using it to strip out all the built up colour and darkness first.  I can safely say that colour B4 lied to me.  What should have been a really rich and intense red with pink undertones (here what I said there... pink!  I specifically picked the dye because most reds offer a red/orange and I wanted red/pink).  Ok so it is clear that I got pink in some form but we all know the plan wasn't for early 90s psychedelic tie-dye hair.  I most definitely was not going for flourescent pink at the front, rapidly followed by banana yellow, satsuma orange, and then some kind of dusky pink/ginger mix.

I was left with three options...

1.  Cry

2.  Cry and then panic dye my hair again which could either help or hinder the situation.

3.  Fuck it

As I was due to meet Red for our booked random event.  A screening of Topgun (I'd never seen before) in a central bar in the middle of town with a meal and a bottle of wine I went with option 3.

I took public transport.

I glared at anyone that looked at me the wrong way.

I met Red.

Red was shocked I hadn't cancelled.

I had macaroni cheese which make me feel better

We had the option of chardonnay or sauvingnon blanc with dinner - I was unimpressed.

I picked the sauvingnon blanc.

I absolutely ordered dessert.

My evening was equally brightened by a mini text conversation with Beeze before I told him I was heading to bed in order to keep myself from entering flirt territory.  Damn that man is fine.

To tell you the truth I think I might have to wait a week or so before dye will take in my hair.  I am also now contemplating going for the whole paramore orange thing.  There are only certain points in time when a girl can pull of that kind of style and well... The time may be now.  What do you think?

For some reason and perhaps because of rather than in spite of my hair... I'm feeling sexy!  Lush.

Ja Rule Ft. Case - Livin' It Up
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Impulse Shopping & Interesting Aquaintances

The last few days have been just what the doctor ordered.  

For a girl who grew up playing outdoors and always had a healthy glow to her skin, these last couple of years living in a place I'm sure could be in the running for rainiest city in Europe has seen me practically turn into a vampire.  I used to be the girl who went brown as a berry from just looking at the sun, these days however I need to suncream my ass up and consistently monitor for signs of reddening.  I love the sun.  I love the heat, the feeling it gives you and most of all, I like having a little colour to me.  It makes me feel/look alive.

I spent Friday hanging out with (Can't remember what nickname I gave here so I will need to insert later ??) and her kids in her garden.  We played mankala (I taught her as figured a little sunshine entertainment wouldn't go a miss), listened to music, drank squash, ate a chicken breast burger off the BBQ and topped the day off with a rocket ice-lolly.  Lovely!  

On the way home from (??) I popped into the supermarket and on spying some 'colour b4' I quickly picked my mobile out of my pocket and within a few minutes had purchased a radical new colour for my hair from amazon, the colour b4 was in my basket and just for good measure I nipped onto ebay and purchased 'clip in bangs' to be dyed and rocked to bring me an all over brand new summer sun hairstyle.  Watch this space, I'll post some pics.  It's a good job some of the things in life can't be bought with 3 clicks of a button.

Friday night I mooched on the sofa and then skyped a friend I met playing a game on my phone (yes, yes, a game on my phone!), lets call her Aurora.  Aurora and I have spoken maybe twice before along with a couple of the other people that potter about on the game.  It usually starts off with a 'lets chat about the other players' and then rapidly turns into what we now refer to as 'cocktail Friday'.  Despite the time differences for some of us, and the serious differences in lifestyle choices, there are perhaps 5 of us that gel over a wicked sense of humour and a likening for goofy chat and cocktails.  I am not one of these 'gamer' types, but I have to say, this last 9months or so have seen a little bit of banter and an hour or so of playing/chatting on this bog standard generic game on my phone put a smile on my face.  Aurora is usually the quiet one in the group, contributing a little and laughing a lot.  On Friday we spoke just the two of us for the first time and I haven't laughed so much in ages.  I have definitely found a kindred spirit.

Saturday saw me meet Red for a short 5 mile walk, a few hours in the park reading celeb magazines followed by dinner at her place.  Red isn't much of a cook and unfortunately presented me with food items I equally dislike (salmon - I wish I could like fish, but I just don't. Mashed potato - mashed food is for the physically impaired and those without teeth.  So long as I can chew, I am gonna chew.  Finally the dish was topped off with peas - the only vegetable I dislike) so it was a bit of a 'hold your nose and gulp' dinner for me, but the chat was great and the day a relaxing sunny one.  Red and I have a tennis court booked for next weekend and a film festival event lined up on Tuesday in a bid to get out more lol.

Saturday night I ended up speaking with Aurora again.  I can safely say that the girl has more stories than I do, and that is saying something!  I've told her that she should consider writing a blog.  Wonder if she will give it a bash?!

Today I've got nothing lined up which is a shame as the sun is definitely still shining so hopefully someone will give me a dial and I can whisk myself away somewhere suitably sunny.  

This coming week definitely counts for more of the following:  Sunshine, BBQs, ice lollies, banter with Aurox and quite possibly a meet up with Beeze.

Farewell - First One On The Blog

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YeeHahh

I can't lie... I almost lost my way.

Since my last posting the last phase of my life has officially ended and I'm firmly in 'anything could happen' land.  I've gone through a few stages along the way...

Numbness

Knowing I was leaving my job but not really 'feeling' it.  This lead to zero activity on the pro-active front and an all round grey mentality.

Logic

Due to a realisation that while numbness wasn't such a terrible place to be considering the tears, stress and mass panic surrounding my final few days in the workplace, I decided to tick a few boxes.  Handovers were completed, contracts signed off, things put in place, discounts allocated and CV updated.  I also made the decision that while I love my flat I need to be mobile as I don't necessarily want to stay in this city so the cats will soon relocate to mums (for the time being) and I will be letting my apartment go in favor of couch surfing and flat shares.  Storage organised.

Thoughtful

An exceptionally dangerous stage that can often lead to procrastination which as we all know is the enemy of anyone trying to make things happen.  This pretty much came about during my most recent bridesmaid duties trip.  Having officially left the office for the last time and having said my goodbyes while being met with a myriad of 'what are you gonna do's', my mind wandered a little and I have to say, my lazy kicked in.  Then I had to remind myself "This is not a holiday".

Panic

I don't know if it was the constant stream of 'what now' questions, the realisation that the sum of money I'm leaving with isn't enough for me to become some mad entrepreneur or eccentric, the lack of a planned day or just the look in peoples eyes when my response to the above is 'I'm not sure' that kicked it in but around 48hrs ago panic officially took hold.  I was in cold sweat, clammy palm territory.

Excited/Productive

Luckily yesterday what I hope will be the final phase (or at least my home for a little while) kicked in.  I have been waking early, hitting the net, networking, making calls, scanning for jobs and all round getting my house in order.  I can't say I have this plan nailed, but what I can say is that I'm confident if I attack the coming weeks with the same level of force I have this morning then I'm pretty certain I'll be in a shiny new job within a month.  *crosses fingers and toes

No-one prepares you for those moments in time when you are faced with a decision like whether or not to take voluntary redundancy.  I realise now that while I would never want to be in the predicament of having enforced redundancy thrown at me, to a certain extend it would be easier to deal with.  Having to make a choice to leave somewhere with a solid income in search of the unknown when you are single and know there is no-one else kicking about to pay the bills is a seriously daunting thought.  Come to think of it,  I only know of one other person in the same circumstance that decided to take the plunge and use the situation as an opportunity to look for something new.  

A history of being flighty is something I absolutely hold claim to, spontaneity is definitely in my blood and as for a need for change, absolutely.  The thing is, despite all of these characteristics I've never jumped with such uncertainty.   I mean, yes I've left a job without another lined up, but always at a time the job market was booming and never with any fear that I couldn't have something suitable lined up by the end of the week (6 days is the longest period of time I've been unemployed).  This time is way, way different.  The job market is terrible unless you want to work in IT, Recruitment or Engineering and let me just say (Disaster, Never again and Useless) to that. 

We are definitely in a time of change bloggers, no doubt about it.

Here's the rest

Bridesmaid dress bought and hanging up in my closet, Catchup with Baron, Herb and Clio went well and factored in some live music, plenty of booze, sunshine and a BBQ.  Balloo is currently in a phase of depression which I'm trying to help him through although I'm feeling a little peeved that he falls off the planet somewhat when he is ok again.  Beez and I are still in touch on/off via text and I'm sure we will catch up again in person soon.  No other men are on the scene and to be honest I really, genuinely don't have time for that at the moment. 

Is it possible that without realising I've somehow created my own mid-life crisis?

Robbie Williams - Old Before I Die
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Drama's & Spiders Webs

I met with my solicitor this morning, signed my compromise agreement and have had her post it to my company.  No turning back now.

It all feels a little bit like a whirlwind at the moment.  I've three cases on the go which I would ideally like to clear off rather than hand over.  I've handovers to complete preparation on for my entire team (none of which were accepted for DVR due to being highly skilled), and I've a solid few days of meetings booked next week to sign off everything else.  

Mum arrives tomorrow afternoon as she is going to be staying at my apartment and looking after my kitty cats while I head out of town for bridesmaid duties.  Then, as sad as it is, I shall be packing off the furry critters to go and live with her for a while as I've decided to let my apartment go, put some things into storage and free myself up for interview/job related travel while keeping any outgoings to a minimum for a while.

Bridesmaid wise this weekend will see us film our video with Baron for the hen weekend, have Herb finally pick our bridesmaid dresses, see Clio and I tie up a few loose ends in terms of the hen weekend away and will also see me tick a box on the Sunday as I have plans to meet OOJ for lunch before my flight home.  I've opened the invite to include his gf however I suspect he will fail to pass that piece of info on.

A few drama's have been on the table also.  Balloo is going through a period of depression and so I'm hoping to help pull him out of it along with a few of our other friends.  I've suggested we hit his dads on the coast sometime soon for sunshine and a BBQ so imagine that might help.  I've also this last two days failed a credit check for a new contract with the company I work for.  Don't get me wrong bloggers I'm not bathing in cash as you all know, however I struggle to see how/why I would be declined for anything. Needless to say having started to chase up the rationale I am now absolutely convinced that I need to keep remembering in life it isn't WHAT you know but WHO you know.  A couple of phone calls, a bit of schmoozing and it now all seems sorted (in under an hour I hasten to add), but COME ON!  Surely a girl shouldn't have to pull strings for something so simple.  Incidentally the time scale without these contacts in order for resolution (from experience) approximately 90 days.  Outrageous!  Good job this little chick knows a few people on the board ;)

With Both Feet

I could have sat down and written 101 lists.

I could have called everyone in my phone book and asked for advice.

I could have entered the world of the internet forum.

I could have spoken to my superiors.

I could have waited and waited and waited until someone decided for me.

I didn't.

I visited Cilla and her husband.

I ate takeout and talked nonsense.

I was asked the only question that matters... 'are you happy'

I released that was enough.

I got in my car.

I cranked up my radio.

I headed to the beach.

I felt the breeze in my hair and the sand on my toes.

I decided.

I will be officially unemployed in 16 days.

I am doing things on my terms.

It will work out.

Spin Doctors - Two Princes

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Job?

Alright bloggers so I'm sat here trying to work out what to do with my life in terms of redundancy and new jobs and then it struck me... I know that some of you reading this blog might be tapped in cookies and so here it is...

If you think you could hook me up with a job for the next few months allowing me to live a little over the summer and find my next opportunity then give me a shout.  Any location, Any salary (its short term right)?

Holler me! 

Fly - Sugar Ray

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