Six years of Ser3ndipity

I bailed on my plans this evening.  I had been smiling and looking forward to drinks,  friends and hugs from strangers to bring in the new year a few days ago,  but this morning something somehow felt... Different.

I've spent most of my evening thinking over the year,  how it hasn't ended the way I had hoped,  or gone the way I expected; and yet despite it all, all the stresses and worries and heartache I can't help but look back on 2015 and feel like I've come a long way.  On paper I'm the same,  same job,  same relationship status,  same bank account,  but in my heart and my soul,  something has twisted a little.  A small change.

I'm finishing the year single but it was my decision to bring it in alone.  My decision to try and look back at the beauty of the newly formed cracks in my soul,  because each and every one of them was a moment in time when I let myself believe in magic. When I didn't let the failures of the past stop me from taking a risk for the future.  I have to be proud of myself for that.

Happy New Year bloggers x

Home

Gathering myself together like a box of twigs.  Things feel really open at the moment,  I can't quite work out what has changed,  why I'm feeling different,  but it definitely isn't a bad thing.  I just need to try and stay in this place.

In two days I'll have been blogging for six years...  Wow

When I lose myself I need to remember where home is.  Home is the beach,  the water,  swimming,  and music.  It always has been.  It always will be.  When I'm there nothing mends,  nothing fixes,  but nothing is broken.   Everything is just calm and still.  My bubble.  My new apartment definitely feels like part of that these days.  My own things,  nothing of anyone else's.  A Ser3ndipity space.

I can't link you the song for this posting as it doesn't seem to be on YouTube for some reason,  so you'll need to click on Spotify or go hunting today...

The Beach - Home
Spotify link

Ocean Run

I saw a picture of him today.

A few in fact.  It was his daughters birthday and his mum had been snap happy.  He looked... Different.  So very different.  He has put on

a little weight,  has let his hair grow out,  and has a beard!! I was a little shocked.  The biggest difference however is how tired he seems.  He looks like someone who needs a giant hug and a break in life.

I know given everything I should be flippant and not give a damn,  but I don't work like that. No saw him in the photos and I just wanted to jump on a plane and go and make him smile.  I can't do that though,  of course I can't do that.

Why does life have to be so confusing.  I spill my thoughts out on this page and realise to anyone else (you!) I probably seem completely unhinged,  a total bunny boiler,  and a manic depressive.  Now I'm not going to say I'm the most together person in the world,  but honestly bloggers;  if you knew me in real life,  you would struggle to put 2 and 2 together and attach me to these ramblings.  In the real-world I seem quite sane.

I wish life had played differently and I had plans to bring in 2016 on the rainbow bench beach running hand and hand with him into the icy water at the stroke of midnight; washing all of this years pains and sorrows away.  Work, money,  lost love,  medical dramas and hot fat tears met with the sound of the ocean and the promise of something new.

2016 needs to be something different.  It needs to be Ser3ndipity reinvented.

Frozen

I held the mask up well today, secret santas, Christmas lunches and mandatory 'look at how happy and normal I am' facebook postings completed.  I have lied so much this last few days that I've forgotten how not to. 'You look pale' - 'I think I might have a cold', 'You look tired' - 'I stayed up late watching a movie', 'aren't you hungry' - 'I had a big breakfast'.  'You must be texting in the bathroom you've been there that many times today'... I couldn't bring myself to reply to that one.  The reality is too hard.  I just pretended I hadn't heard.

I pretended so well.  Then he called..

I don't know why.

My phone rang, his tone.  I saw his name on the screen and everything just stopped...

I wanted to answer so badly but how could I.

I couldn't look away, I wanted to pick up with every ounce of my being, but what would I have said?  As soon as the screen turned blank I began to sob.  I'm exhausted.  My body is exhausted.  My mind is exhausted.  I'm empty.

I text Evanescence, even though it is past midnight there she answered straight away.  The first thing she asked was if I had replied.  I told her I hadn't, that anything I could possibly say to him now would be a lie.  A lie to protect him from the truth.  Why risk tearing someone down when there is absolutely nothing you can do to repair what is broken.  Nothing I can do to turn back time to the place where I had something other than the irreversible to share, before all choices were taken away, before now.  Before I lost everything; we lost everything we never knew we had.

He text shortly after.  His text told me he had called to apologise but he guessed it was too little too late.  There was no kiss, no sign of warmth.

Evanescence told me I should be proud of myself.  That he is an ass.  That I'm better off without him.

I don't feel proud at all.  I feel lost.  I feel mean.

I'm stuck in a place where there is no right answer.  To call or text anything other than 'this is what happened to us, and I need you' would be a lie.  To text nothing at all makes my silence the final one. To answer... Too unfair.

What am I to do?

Incomplete - James Bay
Click for soundtrack

Falling Like Snow

Life, Love and Change... Three things that can spin your world upside down; none of which can be controlled, distorted - sometimes, influenced - maybe, but controlled, never.

I can't wait for the snow to fall.  It covers even the deepest darkest corners covering everything with a sense of something new.  A fresh start.  A clean slate.  I need that.

Flakes of hope and possibilities disguising the deep, dark, red, black and sadness filled voids. Something magical, a landscape of endless possibility and a sense of something else.  Something else out there, someone else out there.  Anything to pull me from where I am.  I've never felt so alone. Ridiculous misunderstandings and hormones and uncertainty spiraling out of control taking the place of outstretched hands and soothing voices.

I feel like I've lost my voice.  I can't seem to find it.  The words came to slowly,  the uncertainty was too long, and the knowing too short.  It's as if everything I ever wanted was right there; so close, and yet it didn't matter how much it might have been perfect, how much it might have been all I ever wanted; it was never going to be mine.  He was never going to be mine.  Our... was never going to be ours.

How much I would give to have him wrap me in his arms and say it is all going to be okay; that life is sometimes unbelievably hard but somehow in the end, it will be all okay.  It will be okay because this time, this time, even though it isn't the fairy tale ending... There's someone there, pulling me silently in to his chest, letting the hot fat tears flow down my face until the hurt is gone and there's nothing left to feel or say.  Silently covering me with love and kindness, painting my landscape blank.  Covering my heart and my soul with magic.  With snow.

I'll try to keep walking, with my old friend music pulling me along to its beat; lyrics soothing me through.   One step in front of the other.  

One day at a time

One hour at a time

One minute

One second

One breath.

Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence  - Sons and Daughters

click for soundtrack

Lost Souls

It has been bittersweet and I am left feeling sadness.

Lost connections, mis-communications and a longing from so deep inside it feels like it is spilling from my bones, flowing in my veins, embedded in my very being.  Somehow the my physical being and emotional makeup twisted together like DNA, differing origins yet oh so the same.

Twisting and turning this last few weeks, twisting and turning like the wind, free and yet trapped, unable to speak... How could I?  

He said he was my soulmate, that I made him smile from the inside, that I had reached inside and calmed him, that he loved me more than he thought he could and yet he let me go, threw me into the wind.  We didn't know it then, he will never know, but we couldn't have been more connected... Tears running red, thick and hot, painful and numb as life follows his lead and I'm left feeling empty and with no idea what happened, how it happened.  Neither a choice.  Both ending in a place I wouldn't have chosen however difficult the path.  

Today is the 13th... I've only just realised.

Its really hard being your own rock.  I've some fantastic people in my life, but all with their own little units, their own rocks, families and circles of the future... Words in their direction can never leave my lips. He is the only one I ever want to confide in but he is gone.  Left there standing as he threw me into the wind.

How ironic that in 10 days I'll be facing the most difficult day in my year, painted smile on my face, mums hand in my own as I make sure she walks through the day like a frog jumping thorough a puddle.  The rock.  Smiling on the outside, crumbling on the inside.  What a time of year for this to be happening all over again.  I didn't have the time to speak and now I never can.  I'm alone.

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control although everything is moving in slow motion.  I feel everything, and yet I feel nothing at all.  Unable to cry, unable to let go.  Falling apart.  

...I just want to hold your hand

Rhodes - Your Soul

click for soundtrack

Tempest

I can't find the words...