Reaching

I've had the hardest couple of weeks...

Work was nothing short of brutal this week and today was almost the breaking of me.  Thank goodness for great colleagues who bought me hot drinks and made it a little better.  Kept me from cracking up and shedding a tear at least.  I'm a driven person and I really want to get ahead in life,  I've also the golden salary to still achieve,  but is it worth it?  This job certainly isn't.

Love life wise... I'm so utterly disappointed

I've been blogging for years and those of you who have been reading all along will know that from time to time I go through phases,  but for someone to really get under my skin is rare.  I am little miss dismissive with my checklist and lack of tolerance for anyone who treats me anything less than perfect.  Several men lay in my wake the last few years OOJ, Mr Hellicopter, Beaker, Cherry and a many more who were that insignificant in the grand scheme of things I'm unable to recall their names.  Only two people have played on my mind in that time... Clerk (of course he would,  we were friends for years), and now Miles.

I can't get him out of my head.  How can I? He is right for me.

Everything whirls round and round and I've no idea where to go.  Up is down,  and right is left,  and all the while he says he likes me more than before and yet somehow here we are... Not moving forward.

Evanescence has been my rock.  I have no idea what I would have done without her!  The sister of Mr X, and even she sees it in me, the 'knowing' that I know.  Only there's nothing she can do to change things,  she can only hold my hand (virtually) as I try to steady myself and find my feet again.  I don't want to find my feet tho... I want to be swept off them.

Miles asked me 101 questions about giving things a go the other day,  I'm not sure if he was trying to work out if I would put him aside some point for someone closer,  with less challenges,  or if he was trying to see how free he could be while keeping me on the side.  I don't think it was the latter, but then again he has confused the hell out of me with his lack of commitment to anything and evasion of topics since we met.  Ironically the girl who tends to fall in love and then meander into a relationship has somehow become the opposite I his eyes.

I wish he could take a glimpse at my world here,  see how I truly am and then feel settled in the knowledge that taking risks and jumping in puddles is in my nature,  but not something I chose to do with most.  Maybe then would he be less inclined to curve and bend and leave me standing with my eyes filled with heat and salt, and my heart like its about to burst.

I know it's wrong and if you weren't anonymous readers then I wouldn't disclose,  but the only thing keeping me sane right now is the hate I keep directing at my body.  The emptiness in my stomach and the pain from the lack of medication.  It's reminding me I'm here.  I here,  in not invisible,  and I while everything else is spiralling out of control,  I have this.  My newly formed focus.  My way to hate all the things that hold me back without having to speak.  My secret.

Control

I need control.

There's so little in life that you can control... My life is one giant uncontrolled pot at the moment.  My job is tiresome - overworked,  underpaid, and dying to break out and be challenged; but there's so little opportunity.  Financially I'm in an ok place, but I'm currently packing to move in with g-star for the next six months.  It will allow me to save cash,  and reassess where I want to be.  It definitely isn't here.

I need to be by the ocean,  I have to live by the sea.  I've always known it is the place that soothes me, but visiting Miles and taking some time on my own one afternoon to let us both have some space after a conversation that saw the crack appear in the magic bubble, made me realise how much.  Miles aside,  I found a place I could quite readily call home.  A safe haven.  A beautiful bubble of a place.  I need to find somewhere like that and move.  I have six months.  I need somewhere to soothe and calm my soul.  Wash it all away.

I also need the sunshine.  Something to soothe my aching body and feed me in the only way I want.  With warmth and peacefulness.  Quite happily I could shrink if I felt warm and calm.

I've started demanding control.

I'll no longer play the long game at work.  I'll take what I want,  stand my ground, and look to move on as soon as possible.  There's a part of me that keeps thinking I should move the Gstar plan to one side, sell everything and just go... Go somewhere and fade.  Somewhere sunny where I can ache and shrink and smile.  I'm done with fighting my own body too.  I fight with control of this beast every day,  and every day sense and those little thoughts in my head win.  They aren't winning anymore.  I won't let them.  I'm going to flip things on their head.  Embrace the ache, the churning and the hunger.  I will be in control.

If only I had been in control sooner.  If only I had understood all I needed to do was twist and anger in the right direction... At myself,  and smile at the pain rather than make it go away.

I miss him.

Unfortunately you can't control people.  If I had looked different, I wouldn't be here now... He might not see it, but I do.

Pebbles

I've slept and nothing feels any better.

Miles sent me a couple of unrelated messages last night, and tried to call.  He definitely has no idea how cutting his words were, it's like he doesn't see how fragile I am at all.

I remember him once describing anxiety as a world where you constantly think about others before yourself, and everything is worst case scenario which becomes so consuming and debilitating you are continually exhausted.  I'm starting to think I've never been that far removed from that world,  I perhaps just didn't realise it.

I'm not sure why, but the fact he called last night was the one thing that calmed me to breathe deeply and find a way to sleep.  Just knowing he was reaching in my direction,  for whatever reason.  It soothed me.

I couldn't answer of course, what would I have said?  

I have no idea where to go from here.  I know most would tell me to pull the plug and step away, but I never want to do that.  That's how I know... He has a piece of me that I don't want back, and I still want to be that person that smiles in his direction and tells him that he isn't alone while he finds his way back into the world.  How much strength am I going to need when they start to see him as I do and he begins to shine on the outside and the world sees him as I already do.  


I can't not have someone who knows me the way he does  and walk in the other direction.  I can't however reach out and tell him either.  I can't find the words to tell him it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need him as a friend, I need him in my life.  It would be selfish.  I feel I've placed my whole head on a platter in front of him the last 24hrs,  it couldn't even make sense for me to try and explain why all or nothing would never be the right thing.

I've a feeling at some point over the next few days, with me not knowing what to say and wanting to curl up in a ball, and him with space and time to perhaps realise the gravity of my thoughts, he will step away and cut me out.  I don't think he will reach out again. 

If I can't pretend nothing is wrong, and despite wanting to pick up the phone to him with every inch of me, I can't find the strength to answer his call... He will disappear.

I'm lost.

Needtobreathe - Something Beautiful
Link

Butterflies & Ravens

I don't even know where to start...

I fell in love.  Unexpectedly and hopelessly in love.  

I flew back from visiting Miles last week.  It was nine days of emotion, surprises and confusion.  I hadn't expected to be drawn to him when he walked through the door at the airport, I genuinely hadn't, but I was.  Not because of how he looked, but because he had taken a leap of faith and here he was, the boy with anxiety standing in front of the girl with confidence issues and his smile took my breath away.

I can't really bring myself to type out the detail, partly because my heart can't take it, and partly because this time, I didn't want to share my 'something special'.  How ironic is that.

Tonight bloggers came the harsh reality.

When we parted ways and I got on the plane things were left with so many things whirling round my head.  He hadn't wanted to commit to giving things a go saying the question was too big for his anxiety.  A lack of click.  He liked me more than before I had arrived, and had explained his feelings emotions would drop after I left.  The more time we spent together the more he liked me, but he didn't want me to take on the burden of making a go of things if they didn't work out down the line.  Ordinarily I would have taken it all as a giant neon sign, but knowing all of him, I didn't want to shut a door that might just be a little out of reach due to head space and challenges I will never fully understand'; challenges he battles every day.

I didn't get the giant click either, but there was no need. He was there, standing right in front of me.  The boy that had called us soul mates, had told me he loved me, had read me to sleep over and over again, could calm me even when the world was tipped on it's head, and the ONLY person in the whole wide world that I had ever opened my world to (nothing hidden).  He knew my hopes and dreams for the future (even the embarrassing ones I sometimes struggle to admit to myself), he knew my sexuality (every murky corner), my health, my past, my relationship history, and he hadn't run away.  Every single inch of my life had been opened up, handed over, and his response... To tell me that he loved me.  To call me babygirl.  To make me smile from the inside.

I believed every single thing he said.  Trusted all the things he sent me.  

I'm such a fool.

I should have realised he was just playing at hallmark boyfriend.

I thought I had found the one, the one that people talk about, the one that you can be 100% yourself with, the one that you hope exists but never actually believe it. The one you can sing in the shower with, dance around the kitchen with, walk along the beach in your jogging bottoms and no makeup with, the one that will kiss you on the forehead, pull you in close and tell you that everything is going to be ok when the world has you on your knees.  

I thought he saw me the same way I saw him. 

I've always been self conscious about the way I look, and 101 people in my life will tell me I'm stupid, but the reality is that he and I were in the same place. Nothing at all changed... except for me standing in front of him.  When I asked if it was how I looked he told me he had known how I looked before I went and that there had been no surprises.

I stood in front of him and while I stayed the same, everything changed.

Since getting back I have circled things 1000 times, was it his anxiety stopping us?  Had he been honest when he said he liked me more?  Did I just need to take a different role this time?  Did he just need to know I wouldn't run away at the first sign of a struggle?

I put myself out there, I couldn't walk away without making sure.  I had to tell him that I would move the world to stand by his side.  That we could go as slow or as fast as he wanted, that time didn't matter because if he let me, I would be standing there till the end of time.  We could take on the world one step at a time, that I would hold his hand on the long road if he would only let me.

He updated himself as single and looking the same place we met today; less than a week since hot tears ran down my face as I flew away and he told me 'maybe this won't be it...'

When I told him I didn't understand he told me I was overthinking it.  

I've learnt so much about anxiety since meeting Miles and while I made so many mistakes while we spoke, he always said I had tried to understand more than anyone else he had met before.  Anxiety... the world of barriers, worst case scenarios and overthinking.  Not once did I tell him he was overthinking, being irrational, being stupid.  Never once did I think it.  It is his world of chaos and no other words would be as stupid or cut as deep as those... So why did he think it was ok to say them to me?

Why is it that the broken girl always gets her heart smashed against the wall.  

So many times I had sat and listened as he began to spiral, his head out of control.  Breathing down the phone, calming him, letting him know it was all ok, that he was ok, that it seemed crazy right now and that I knew he wasn't alright, but that the storm would pass and I would sit there as long as it took for his thoughts to settle and his heart to stop beating out his chest.  'Overthinking it'.  I would never have expected those words from him...

I didn't think it was possible for me to fall in love again, let alone in the way that I did, completely open and vulnerable.  No secrets, no surprises.  Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.

Overthinking. Stupid. Ugly. Overweight.  Ugly.  Stupid.  Ugly.

Life is hard, and putting myself out there and stepping outside the box never seems to work out.  I don't want people to notice me anymore, I'd rather be invisible. I'm going to do every single thing I can to ensure I fade into the background, personality and physical.  Introverted mind, broken but small body.  Small... 

I've made such a fool of myself.  I had no idea I would be such a let down in person.  I should have known.  I was so incredibly stupid to think I would find magic.  I was so stupid to think I could have found someone that would like me for me. Someone honest.  Someone that would look out for me, look after me no matter what happened. Someone who thought I was worth the risk.  Someone that would always, always look out for me and after my heart no matter what, no matter which eventuality. Stupid to think I would be something other than not being enough with my soul laid bare.

I fell in love with his soul.  His beautiful broken soul.

I don't think he will ever realise where I was or where his dismissive words have taken me.

I wish you could wish yourself into non-existence. I don't need to learn anymore, experience anymore, find out anymore.  I've felt hurt too many times.  I'm done.

The Pretty Reckless - You

click for final soundtrack

•••

That's the problem with a whirlwind,  you're either swept up or knocked off your feet.

Holy Shitballs

So here's how it went...

Miles and I were talking on the phone as I was getting ready for work.  We had fallen asleep on the phone together (facetime for the win), and had sleepily brought in the day over cuteness before I had to jump in the shower.  When I got back I was smelling gorgeous (cherries and nettles... in case you were wondering), and we were flirting and joking around as I put myself together (hair, clothes and makeup) before heading out the door.

Over the weekend I had organised a birthday present for a colleague and had been in touch with my boss early doors (6am-ish) to agree that I would text to let her know when I was entering the building so she could take her for coffee while I prepared the mandatory 'desk eruption' of birthday goodies. A cunning plan I hear you say... That's until early morning Ser3ndipity got involved.

You see bloggers, early morning flirtation with your potential future partner is all well and good, but a mashup between that and work related chat is a recipe for disaster and boy was there a disaster!

My boss sent a random follow up text at the exact time I decided to snap a cheeky 'its cold, stiff nipples birds-eye view' snapshot and... you guessed it.  OH NO!

I spent the next 20mins in total panic stations. 

The drive to work has never felt so long.

Do I mention it?  Don't I mention it?  Do I pretend it never happened?  Do I laugh it off.  Will I get my P45... FUCK!

I arrived at work as planned, text to say I was there, set up the desk and spent the next 15mins dreading the moment they walked through the door.  Thank goodness there was a birthday.  I would sing happy birthday,  that's right; I would sing and that would allow me to avoid the inevitable and so sing I sodding well did.  Happy Birthday has never been sang with such gusto.

Wait a minute... she isn't looking at me oddly.  Have I gotten away with it?  God damn it, I think I have.  I've gotten away with it.

...

'Ser3ndipity'  Uh oh... I recognise that American tone

'Ser3ndipity, I meant to say, you sent me a picture message by accident this morning'  Oh my god!  She is actually saying these words, and loudly!  The woman has the vocal range of a foghorn! 

'Yeah, you sent me a message and...' Kill me.  Kill me now.  The entire office can hear her

'You sent me a picture of your knees'  Wait... what?!?!

'Yeah let me show you...' Oh hell she is walking round, she is walking round to my desk and yes, yes, the birthday girl is coming over for a look.  I'm done in. Should I rugby tackle her to the ground... Is rugby tackling your boss to the floor better or worse than a P45 for sending a snapshot of your tits?

'Look its right here..' There is absolutely NO WAY she will think it was knees if she looks again.  I'm done.  It wasn't even a sexy picture.  If I was going to be fired, I would at least want it to be over a sexy picture!  Oh why didn't I take a sexy one!!!

'Oh no, it seems I deleted it' Wait she what...

'Yeah, I've deleted it look'  She didn't...

'Oh well,  haha'  OMG she actually let me off. I mean I know she knows, and she knows I know, but no-one else knows she knows.  She let me off, and she showed me her phone so I know it can't bite me in the ass'  Holy Shitballs!  I got away with it.

I tell you bloggers.  If it wasn't true, you couldn't make it up!

Miles has since found a couples app for us to message.  Thank goodness!

Beyonce - Naughty Girl
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Calming my soul

I've had a really trying day...

My apartment has plumbing problems and the letting agent are worse than useless.  I'm currently on hour 36 with no use of anything that requires plumbing and counting.

My boss is incredibly emotive, is incapable of seeing the wood for the trees, and takes a reactive and illogical approach to everything - not ideal given the role we undertake.

I'm struggling health wise at the moment with weird bloods, a cold that is trying to get hold, aching bones and a crazy ass problem with my feet that as yet is a mystery but is completely messing with my walking-to-places mojo.

Miles has been a little unusual the last couple of days, nothing big, however he has made multiple references to a subject we discussed at the weekend around me being bisexual etc.  He hasn't been crass or overbearing, it has perhaps just been a few misplaced innuendo's and comments that in my current and vulnerable state of mind have played on me a little.  My dreams firmly wrapped around it last night.  That aside, he has calmed me endlessly tonight after a somewhat brutal day.  

I don't know what it is, but sharing and venting and letting it all go seems so easy with his approach to listening/supporting me and yet to him it all seems so effortless.  I commented on it earlier and his response was 'of course, it is kind of in the job description'. 

Love.

The afters - Ocean Wide

click for soundtrack

Magic*

You know, I do believe in magic.

I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians.

Oh, most everybody else didn't realise we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance.

But I knew it all along.

When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the bast, the present, and into the future.

You probably did it too; you just don't recall it.

See, this is my opinion:  We all start out knowing magic.

We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us.

We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand.

But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls.

We get it taught out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out.

We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible.

Told to act our age.  

Told to grow up for goodness sake.

And you know why we are told that?

Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can't really get it back. 

You have seconds of it.

Just seconds of knowing and remembering.

When people get weepy at movies, it's because in that dark theatre the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly.

Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why.

When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world,  when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are.

For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That is what I believe.

Lights & Motion - Fireflies

click for soundtrack

Deep Breath

To blog or not to blog...

Thursday the 18th of December 2014 seems like forever away.  

Where to start... How about with the recent revelation that I am totally, hopelessly, completely and insanely head over heels in (struggling to use the L word).  My head is spinning, my stomach is turning, my brain is overdrive and my heart, my heart is smiling.  In true Ser3ndipity style however bloggers, all isn't simple.  I had better fill you in...

I've continued to explore my kinky side since I stumbled upon the website I told you about, I've been to a few munches, a couple of classes and have made some real-life and online kinky friends.  I have dipped my toes in a couple of times, but like with anything, finding the right click isn't easy; especially for a hopeless romantic like this chick.  

About a month ago I joined a KIK group and began chatting to people a little closer to home.  The reception I got was one I hadn't expected, people were welcoming and pictures and kinks on my sleeve I appeared to be a hit.  There were 18 in the group when I joined and by the end of the first week I'd received PMs from more than half, guys and girls alike (seemingly innocent at first, and then with clear intention).  A flirt here, a giggle there, but nothing that had me do anything but pass time and smile a little while relaxing in between the crazy hours of work I have fallen into.  Throw in a handful of real-life dodgy dates and one insanely assertive stalker-type (I'll tell you about those another day), and the last thing I expected was for life to throw a sprinkling of serendipity my way.

A couple of weeks after I joined the group I had met several new members, most lovely, although none of which were on the radar, and then there he was... (lets call him Miles).  

I had logged in after another long day of work and as I was scrolling through the chat to see what debauchery I had missed for the day I spotted him;  new, very personable in his responses, and his picture while not someone I would think of as my 'type', alluring.  A gorgeous smile, twinkling eyes and someone I most definitely wanted to know more about.  Scroll forward a few weeks and I have been living in a whirlwind.

Miles is 34, he lives in a different (non UK) although accessible country from me.  He has five children, yes five (two of his own and three he adopted through a previous relationship), is relatively new to kink although similarly has a pretty good idea of what turns him on, and found himself on the group/website after his 11yr relationship ended back in December.  I don't want to go into details as this is my blog, not his, but given some of the things I think I'll end up talking about on here, I want to try and be as vague, but as honest as possible so I'm going to try and give you the full overview.  His last relationship ended as after several years of difficult times and trying to make it work his ex declared herself asexual and aromantic (I had to google both), and from the stories he has told me, I don't think the decision came easily or lightly for either.  They were never married, and it appears while he spends time with and sees all of the children on a regular basis, I am told the eldest two no longer talk with her (again, the how or the why isn't really relevant to this blog so I will leave it out).  Miles clearly struggles with aspects of their now relationship and has vocalised a few of the difficulties with her, but never in a disrespectful way.  They speak daily as they face-time to put the children to bed.  Something perhaps associated with the mix and prolonged end of the relationship however is perhaps Miles sense of self.  Miles has been really open and honest about this, unbelievably so, and again while this is my blog and so I shouldn't really be spilling stories about his life, none of it will make sense if I don't let you know that he struggles with anxiety and depression, and while getting the help he needs to tackle these isn't working and lives at home with his mum (who is also his very young-like, and very fun-like, best friend).  Oh and as for his kinks, for the most part they scare the hell outta me.  *Phew

So now you have the facts and are jumping to conclusions, let me tell you the rest.  The important part.  The way he makes me feel...

Since we first spoke on the phone a day hasn't gone by that I haven't had him on my mind.  We have spoken for hours!  Conversation after conversation, question after question, giggle after giggle, video chat after video chat and all the while I've fallen deeper and deeper.  A few of weeks ago he was face timing me from the beach and as the call drew to an end I found my lips spilling the words that had been on my mind 'I love...' I attempted a recovery and then ended the call.  A few seconds later he text... 'I love you'.  My heart was racing, I could barely breathe.  This was insane!  I was acting like a crazy person.  I needed to talk to myself - what on earth are you doing Ser3ndiptiy, this isn't the movies, this is how people end up hurt and I'm already pieced together.

I have asked him a thousand questions, question I have never asked anyone, and not once has he shied away from an answer. He has held out his life with an open hand, palm up, mine for the reading.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. No silver linings, and each and every time I delve a little deeper picking at a scab, rather than run away, he calmly and softly tells me the truth; hints of pain and/or shame in his voice as he comes to an end awaiting my response.  Is this how it is supposed to be?  Have I spent my entire life up until this point asking the wrong people the right questions and being none the wiser?!?  Surely it can't be this simple. It can't be this easy to peer into someones soul,  can it?

I feel my barriers fall, brick by brick, gate by gate each time we speak.  He knows my deepest darkest fears, my kinkiest naughtiest thoughts, and the most horrible and wretched parts of my past and my soul.  Its like my entire world is a maze, and he somehow found a secret passage straight through the middle. I am so far down the rabbit hole... When he asked me to be his girlfriend, despite not meeting, I didn't hesitate at all.

I realise when you read this bloggers you are going to think I have gone completely insane.  The 21st century savvy chick has lost her mind and has fallen for a man she has never met with several of her 101 boxes on the 'people I shouldn't date' list ticked.  I know what you are thinking... I can see it too, the madness of it all.  Sometimes however, sometimes you just have to leap right?

I have fallen.  It isn't clear, and it isn't simple but it is as plain as the tattoo on my wrist.  I'm in love.  I'm in love with a man who defies all of my tick boxes, my lists of 'must haves' and 'won't dos'.  I am wrapped up in a fairytale and in a little over a month I've entwined my life with his.  He tells me he loves me, hears what I am saying (not just listens, actually hears), reads me to sleep because despite being unusual, I only had to mention in passing conversation that it would make me happy and relaxed.  I've met a guy who has somehow shown me more support in the last four weeks despite battling his own life of crazy, than I think any guy has managed to do (with the exception of my dad of course) my entire life.

In 48 days I'll meet him.  We have been really logical (well as logical as it could possibly be at this point) about meeting, and know that the 'click' doesn't always happen in person despite a million conversations and a thousand photos/videos. We have agreed a line in the sand when I arrive.  We will fall out of our 'zone' and will take a thousand steps back.  No boyfriend and girlfriend. No 'I love you's', and nothing over familiar. Just Ser3ndipity and Miles.  A girl standing in front of a boy...

I'm putting this all on the page bloggers because I need you.  I am caught up in a whirlwind, I'm riding the sparkles on a rainbow, I'm feeling like Iris in the holiday when she goes to the video shop with Miles and her whole world somehow clicks into place.  I'm terrified I'm not going to be enough.

I am so incredibly nervous.  I just keep thinking to myself how big the bump is going to be when I fall.  I need to keep writing as it's the only way I will be able to dust myself off if my whole world comes crashing down and around my ankles again.

Crash Land - Twin Atlantic

click for soundtrack

Forbidden Kisses

So Clerk and I spoke a day after 'the night' and I put my cards on the table and suggested we go on an actual date and see what happens.  Clerk, well, he had different thoughts.  We are throwing the whole thing under the carpet and I have promised not to try and fall over the gigantic lump on the floor next time we meet.  I'm sure we will catch up after Christmas and hopefully things can start to get back to normal.

I've got a date this coming week with a guy I've been chatting to on Tinder - An Irish teacher, and in the NY I'm meeting up for drinks with a guy I know from the BDSM munches so I will keep you informed.  Other than that Mr Helicopter text me not long after my last posting about him, asking how I was.  I exchanged pleasantries but didn't entertain his flirtation.  I had thought that was the end of it, but received a message on my walk to work from the pool this morning as follows:  'I can't believe I'm actually telling you, but I had a naughty dream about you last night.... sorry xxx'  (10mins later)... 'I am still horny thinking about it' ... (2mins later) 'You were very vocal and took charge. It was amazing'.  I replied saying 'yes, that does seem a little unusual given we never made that second date'.  He has replied since but I didn't bite.  My ship has sailed and he was most definitely not on the boat.

The latest twist however has been with Marine.  As I've said, work has been crazy the last few weeks; between deadlines and meetings and kick-off projects my head was in a spin, and that was before Christmas season kicked in and 101 Christmas parties and events joined the mix.  (My departmental Christmas night out was an absolute hoot incidentally.  I was the only girl to stay past dinner and the boys most definitely took care of me.  I was danced off my feet, flinged about, treat like a lady, bought drinks and safely placed in a cab home when it was pumpkin time.  Love those boys!).  

Anyway, things with Marine and I have been simmering away for some time. A few failed 'lets meet for a drink' plans (work got in the way), and more than a handful of 'I didn't really need to come to your department/desk to ask for this, but I wanted to flirt a little' excuse filled desk visits, and while I've not really given the situation a great deal of thought, I have had a couple of wicked dreams.  This afternoon however, the playfulness was definitely put to the test...

Around 3pm Marine emailed me on my work email (an unusual move unless work related) asking if I was around.  I was finishing up a projects meeting so shot him a quick one word 'yes' response and continued with work.  A couple of seconds later I received the following:  "I'm wondering if pinning you to the wall in the lift for a kiss would be inappropriate ;) lol'.  I got flustered and was unsure what to reply so opted for a non-committal "Interesting..." (30 secs later)... "See you in the lift in 5?"

Now there are only three floors in my building, however with the volume of employees this means that there are two lifts; one beside the other.  I had a couple of minutes to quickly make up my mind. Was I going to meet him or not? Would he be there or not?  Was this a wise idea?  Did meeting him make me a bad person?  Would I kick myself if I didn't go?  And all the while my head was spinning thinking how yummy he had been looking this week in his fitted shirts, how nice his physique was and how great he had smelt when he had appeared at my desk and asked me to meet for a coffee in the canteen a few days before (naturally he paid, and yes surprisingly he had pulled out my chair).  I had seconds left to decide and when I opened my eyes there I was, standing in front of the two lifts... before I could press the button the door pinged open and there he was, standing beside one of the other PMs.

I walked in, the lift went up a floor and she got out, I followed, so did he.  I turned and he pushed the button and walked back inside the lift shooting me a smile.  I followed.  As the doors closed another manager got in beside us.  I was dying on the inside.  He was less than an inch away from me, I could feel his arm pressed against mine and his eyes glance a knowing look as we both smiled politely at the other woman in the lift as she chatted away.  I was going to be stuck in this lift forever!! Going up and down, and up and down, feeling the tension rise.  When the doors opened again I stayed still, apprehensive as to who we would next have the company of... no-one stepped inside.

The doors shut, our eyes met, and before I knew it he had pulled me towards him, our lips met and my back was against the wall as our tongues danced.  One floor, nothing more than ten seconds, and then a ping.  I pushed him aside and we smiled as a faceless person stepped inside.  No sooner had they left than his fingers entwined around the langyard on my neck as he pulled me in close, wrapping his fingers around my waist for another forbidden kiss.  I walked out of the lift and back to my desk with a secret smile.

A lift as far as a metaphor goes is probably where this one is headed.  Still, I keep thinking that while I'm not exactly whiter than white, I'm single so I'm in the clear right?... Right?

Coasts - A Rush Of Blood

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After all this time

Work... or fate got in the way of Friday's plans.  

Marine ended up having to work late and so rather than wait around I made other plans.  When he suggested we meet on Saturday instead I told him I already had plans (a date) and told him he would have to work on his technique if he was hoping to catch butterflies.  I had to pop into work to pick something up from my locker before meeting Clerk yesterday, I was dressed to impress and it didn't go unnoticed.  Marine spotted me and told me I looked stunning.

And then there was Clerk...

I met him off the bus and giggled as we hugged hello as he has been embracing 'movember' and had grown a beard.  It prickled against my cheek, but not as much as it might have.  We chatted and meandered through the crowds as we made our way to the Christmas market.  After looking around he suggested we should go and grab a bite.  I guided us away from the crowds of the centre of town and we found ourselves in a South American fusion place.  He ordered a bottle of wine and we fell into our usual routine, catching up, laughing and enjoying each others company.  We stayed a couple of hours and I suggested we go somewhere else for a drink.  I took us to a bar a stumbled upon a few weeks ago - twinkly lighting, relaxed vibe and a small stage where an acoustic set is regularly played.  A bar I had weeks ago decided would be a good date venue... but this wasn't a date was it?

We talked about 101 things, religion, marriage, kids, living together, magic, the theatre, music, movies, dating... everything and anything as we sipped on glass after glass of wine.  We were seated beside each other on bar stools rested against a long central table.  At some point I asked what time his bus back was and he advised he had already missed it.  There was a train in 45mins he told me,  I asked if we should order another bottle or not, we did.  Not long after we started chatting to a guy and a girl who were out as friends.  Shots bought and an order of something blue on the top shelf that had caught our eye and it is safe to say we were rather tipsy.  We reminisced over days past when we would place 'bets' against each other, the loser having to complete a dare.  New bets made we decided we would create a facebook poll asking whether he should keep (he wins) or shave (I win) the beard.  The loser to complete a dare of the others selection (For him:  To juggle as a busker for a set period of time - 18mins - during next year's summer festival.  For me: To sing/play a song on my guitar on the same stretch of road in the same festival).  We were as we always are, old friends enjoying the ease at which we interact.  Smiling and relaxed.

I'm not sure when or how things changed, but all of a sudden his fingers were entwined with mine.  I needed to pinch myself but I couldn't, so I squeezed instead.  Friends could accidentally hold hands right?  but to squeeze and to have them squeezed back could/would mean something else?  My logic wasn't exactly solid, but it seemed logical at the time so I did it.  He looked into my eyes and squeezed back.  I had no idea what to do, where to look, what to say.  What did it mean?  Before I knew it our lips had found each other, his tongue was stroking mine and there I was... In a bar, his hands entwined against mine and his lips pressed firm yet gentle against mine.  We kissed.

I never thought this moment would happen, I mean I've wondered but I was never going to make a move and he well... Clerk doesn't do things like that.  I could never have been sure how I would feel... Would it feel like kissing a brother?  There had always been that danger.  It didn't.  I was so lost in the moment and so taken back by the whole thing.  What did it mean?  What does it mean?

He had told me as our last round of shots came that he was going to stay at my apartment and I smiled in agreement.  There was no undertone.  He isn't that kind of guy, and I am not that kind of girl.  It was always going to be a possibility and my sofa was his anytime he needed it.  He told me he couldn't drink anymore and I was feeling the same too.  We grabbed our jackets and headed outside.  I have no idea why, but as we were holding hands (I think we were holding hands) I kept asking him the question 'really?'  I then asked him as the taxi pulled up if we were going to pretend it had never happened.  I have no idea what was going on in my head. 

Guys don't kiss girls unless they want to.  Clerk certainly didn't have a habit of kissing random girls.  I felt like I had to build up a wall and I don't know why... I told him he had kissed me and he needed to decide whether we were going to pretend it hadn't happened by the time the cab pulled up by my place.  When it did, he told me he was going to ask it to take him home... 60miles away.  I asked him if he was serious and he looked at me sadly and said yes.  I don't know what happened.

What has happened?

I don't know how I feel.  I don't want to lose my friend, lose being able to hang out like we do, being able to joke and jest with him without him thinking everything has an agenda.  Have him think I've always been waiting for him, for this.  Who kissed who?  How did it happen?  Was it conscious?  Did he think about it before his fingers found mine?  Was it drunken or was it something that was always going to be?  

I haven't heard from him today.  I sent him a looooooooooooooong message after his cab drove off.  He saw it an hour later (whattsapp is a dangerous tool), and when I woke this morning he had logged back in at 5ish am so I am assuming he read it again.  He hasn't been online since and I whole heartedly wish I had dealt with the whole thing differently.  I can't change things now though.

I may have lost a friend.  I don't want to lose him.

The thing is... was it a drunken mistake?  

One, Two, Three

Life is a blur at the moment.

Work is incredibly stressful, my peer group and several a level above me are crumbling.  Tears here, cracks there (not mine as of yet I hasten to add), however, I am definitely feeling the strains, but I'm focused on the prize.  Once the end of January comes around I can re-assess knowing I've made my part of the project a success.  I'm not so sure about other two women in my peer group.  Our department is most definitely the most exhausted; fighting fires and holding up the operational side of things with future planning and 'quick fix' plasters.  Unfortunately there's only so long you can work at that pace before things start to slip.  Mistakes are made, deadlines get lax, and when the machine of industry is in full motion... some people are going to get mowed down.  I got a call from internal resourcing on Thursday night pitching me a job.  A few succinct questions later and it appears I am being 'vetted' for one of my colleagues positions.  On Friday she called to advise me her probationary period had been extended as they weren't happy with her outputs, and both the portfolio directors and client had voiced their concerns.  I'm to call back resourcing on Monday to discuss things further.  The money would be a 10K uplift before I negotiate (and I always negotiate), but I'm not certain I could take it in clear conscience. 

I had a guy friend over for dinner and drinks last night.  We work together, but I've known him in a prior life and so it was great to catch up.  He is gay and I almost choked on my wine when he commented on Marine and his physique, mentioning he had seen him at my desk several times this week and that the girls in the department had been more than happy to see him in our area of the building.  It isn't news to me that Marine has a female following within the office; he is charismatic, confident, somewhat flirtatious, and his suit skims his muscles and toned body in all the right ways. I smiled, made a nod of agreement, and bit my tongue. 

Marine and I are meeting tonight for an honest conversation over a drink. 

There are lots of topics to be discussed if we are contemplating entering a BDSM arrangement.  What do we both want out of it, where are our limits, what are our curiosities, and now for the curve ball... Will my search for pleasure really let me overlook the silver circle on his left hand.  Yes bloggers, you read it right. The duct tape halo is currently in hand ready to be dis-guarded.  Not a relationship, not a dramatic complication, just pure, deviant, boundary pushing, unadulterated sexual fun.   

The last few days we have exchanged quite a few messages, playful and serious alike, and he has called most evenings where I have listened intently to the stories of the twists and turns of his life. At his playful and yet quietly confident request I've not touched myself or orgasm for the last two days.  Under the right hands my body would move like water at the slightest fingertip touch.   I've been pursued by people who at first glance are like Marine before, however he has depths and traits so familiar to me and yet so rare to find.  He reminds me of someone.  Someone safe yet daring. Bumped and bruised yet resilient and unbroken.  Painted face, clear agenda.  Eye on the prize.  Unguarded.  

"I have lived the majority of my fantasies, and the others I am sure we will develop together... I have an agenda, and it is centered around pleasing myself by pleasing you... Our fun would be with you and me, no sharing, and in depth.   I do not want to break you, this is not my thing.  I want to build you up.  I want you to feel like when I look at you in work; while nobody else knows around us, you have a flip in your tummy and a wettening that make you know you're mine."

It isn't often I find someone that can make me tongue tied, but he certainly has that particular talent. I'm not sure many would notice, he however has.  Gentle in approach, I feel intellectually and mentally guided; like walking into a crowded room and finding an unexpected hand in the small of your back as you start to stumble, guiding you to your destination.  Never pushing, always attentive.  The waters should look muddy, but they feel crystal clear.  

Amy Stroup - Far From Here

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Fire

Let me try and get you up to speed...

Mr Helicopter got back in touch.  He took me on a date and quite frankly I was found wanting.  He has 101 things going on in his life, and doesn't seem to be able to juggle very well.  I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but when things are that hard at the start, they probably weren't meant to be.

The registrar was short lived.  He was very much a man set in his ways and despite his career seemed lacking in the get-up-and-go I seek for in a potential match.

The hotelier is still on the scene.  He is very keen that we make a go of things despite a career move taking him 400miles in the wrong direction.  We skype and flirt and he is currently looking at flights to/from my city so he can 'romance me into being his'.  He is very much a man with a family plan, and I'm not ruling him out of the equation until I get to know him better.

That being said, I told you I was going to embrace life with new zest now I've found my career feet again, and I have.  In the last couple of weeks I've been chatting, meeting and flirting with people... hey it's a numbers game!  This coming weekend I am meeting Clerk with a view to working out exactly how I feel, and I have a date on Sunday also.  Friday night,  well that is something all together different.

As you know, I dipped my toe into the world of BDSM and fetish and I was not found wanting.  It is a world of sexual wonder and I was quite frankly like a kid in the candy shop.  I've been along to a few meets and have made a few kinky friends along the way.  I even have a 'cleaner' who ensures several areas of my apartment are spotless at all times (it wouldn't do well to disappoint me).  No, it is safe to say I've dipped my toes in and have tested the waters in a few mini adventures, but never in the realm I was most curious... submission.

Since joining the site I am on and integrating myself in the community, I've continually kept my eyes open for a dominant man for either a relationship or closed 'play'.  Basically a bf or a kinky fb.  I had peeked down the rabbit hole, but it was going to take a very specific type of gentleman to make me jump;  the kind of gentleman I felt was lacking in my local vicinity... until now.

Around three weeks ago I held yet another training session at work with new managers brought into the project now we have stabalised.  As usual I smiled throughout, and as usual several of them made a point in coming to chat to me in the days that followed.  I am a different kind of Ser3ndipity in work, my mask of confidence is strong and my smiley and enigmatic disposition often sees me in good favour, especially with male colleagues.  That day was slightly different however...

On walking into the room my eye was immediately caught by a confident and handsome guy with a cheeky grin.  His eyes met mine immediately and as I was setting up he was chatting to me like we had met before.  I assumed our paths had crossed in another vocation, but I couldn't quite work out where.  After the meeting he asked the same 'Ser3ndipity, your face seems really familiar, have we met before?'  I suggested a few places but nothing clicked.   A few days later I passed him at reception as I was leaving the building.  He called for my attention as I was walking out, again questioning my familiarity.  It was beginning to play on my mind that we had met in a dating capacity but he didn't push.  

We are now several weeks later and having spoken several times over the weeks in passing I found myself starting to blush at our interactions.  Never inappropriate, always work related, however there was some kind of underlying tone.  Then, one day last week he offered a story; one surrounding his business (he runs several outside of his role), that quipped at a 'client home visit' and their reluctance to agree.  A few words back and forth, an innuendo about handcuffs here, a joke about whips there and I start to feel the penny drop... 'Oh my goodness... I think I know where we have met before'.

We became 'facebook friends' just under a week ago.  That door opened another, and after texting his gentle suggestions had me suggest where we may have met before.  'Why don't you try me with a few acronyms... FB for facebook etc.' he suggested.  After playing coyly for a while I took a risk and typed the letters I had been curious and nervous about all along... Bingo!  It appears I'm not the only person at work with a liking for 'kink'.  He advises me he recognised my face immediately, and my reaction to his story only segmented what he knew the first day he had questioned our acquaintance... We were both pleasure seekers.  He advised me I could use this as assurance that he could be discrete, that we had spoken online briefly and I had told him I didn't think he was my type.  I was also told this had been most disappointing.  A few texts/messages back and forth and he made his hoped intentions clear.  I hasten to add, in a most delicious way.  I told him my apprehensions especially in written communication and he advised he understood and that my confidence in his discretion was of the utmost importance.

This morning when I arrived at work he asked if I was free at 10am.  I advised I was and when he arrived at my desk he asked for my bag with a smile.  I didn't question him... I'm not sure why.  He placed inside a mobile phone complete with sim card and tariff that he had taken care of.  No pressure, no conditions... just a line of communication that he advised would ensure my anonymity.  

There will be more to tell I am sure, but for now (based on his prior vocation), let us call him The Marine.

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire

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