Insignificant

There's a moment when you realise... Sometimes there's a build-up and sometimes it hits you smash in the face.  I think it's been a little of both.

You are what you are in this world and sometimes no matter how hard you try,  nothing can remove you from that,  your inner self.  My inner self looks after people.  She checks others are ok,  supports people even when the world is crashing down around her feet,  and always,  always things about the emotions of others before making a step.  Unfortunately this leaves me... her... Wide open to be taken for granted.

This last few weeks I've been supporting Miles and his mum through some work things and hard times,  not something I consider a task,  a chore or an effort.  Something I wanted to do because it's nice to be nice and when you can help people,  you should.  That said,  it's greyed the lines.  the last 24hrs or so have definitely smashed me in the face.

Miles knows my boss is being an asshole,  my job is making me unhappy to the point I've developed some weird ass anxiety and stress cough,  I have been ticking down to homelessness having handed in my notice on my current place and having had the worst more exhausting experience trying to find somewhere,  and all the while trying to face the world with a smile on my face because if I allow myself to stop for just one second and think about how I've fallen in love and have been disgarded without any kind of explanation again,  I'm scared what I might do.  Top that off with what I know is slowly becoming an exceptionally unhealthy relationship with food (or lack there of) due to in the toilet body image,  and you would think he of all people would notice right?  It appears not.

The place we met is being actively used,  a photo I took with my hair showing at th side of his face bait for what is quite clearly now an active pursuit.  Texts telling me to call anytime, yet catch ups that are pushed aside for television programmes and to be continued conversations that are quite clearly never going to be on the agenda.  Oh,  and despite being infuriated at myself for even noticing,  but likes on ex girlfriends photos (I can't express how pissed I am for noticing that one)!!

No bloggers,  no support thrown the other way at all.  It's like I'm the person who never needs an explanation,  or to understand,  or a virtual hug.  Just a sounding board,  shoulder and supportive voice to be utilised and then forgotten about.  I'm sat here typing this thinking I'm being harsh,  but then it all comes back to the same thought... 'I like you more now than I did before' and yet... If actions spoke they would boom.

I really do deserve better than this.  I deserved an explanation.  I deserve the truth.

The irony in the whole thing is that if I had just been given that, and the time and respect the situation needed,  with the occasional hand out in my direction... I wouldn't be feeling like this.  I'm not someone who lives in a bubble,  I know sometimes the chips fall the wrong way,  but is it really so much to ask that people man the fuck up and tell you what the hell they want?!?   Because right now this doesn't fall into relationship,  friendship or fuck-off-ness

Then again... Apparently that's just me 'overthinking'

Then

You're anxious... I stay lazing about in my pjs until 4pm so you don't feel pressured to go out and can calm down
You're anxious... I bite back all the words in my mind and my mouth and sit silently holding your hand

You're anxious... I rub your feet while you relax and then sit silently under your sleeping body while you rest 

You're anxious... I look at your 'on the inside' on Pinterest,  I know you've given me the answers, I just need to pick them out

I say I love you... You kiss my head

I say I love you... You don't hear (or do you)

I text I love you... You say nothing

I say I love you... You say I know

You smile at at me like there's no one else in the room and we have a hidden secret.  I hear you've called me 'amazing',  am I so different now I'm standing right next to you?

You pull me in and kiss my forehead and I feel safe

Your daughter says hello to me and your eyes show utter kindness as you tell me. 

You miss your kids... I ask you about them so you hopefully realise as you talk how amazing you are

You miss your kids... I touch your arm so you know I'm there when you're on the phone and it whirlwinds out of control as I hear her aggressive and self-righteous tones and have no idea what drew you in

You miss your kids... I would move the world to help you see them just to step back and let you spend time with them

I get close... You push me away 

I step away... You reach out

I think we are lost... You tell me we aren't

I feel you like me less... You tell me you like me more

You tell me you want me to visit again and when I least expect it you move or speak in a way that throws my doubts to the ground.  You say let's see how it goes but I've no idea if you're telling me I'm single or we are taking a leap of faith into the unknown.  Bonnie and Clyde and a world of Skype calls and plane trips in the soon to be 'what if' adventure of romance and tender moments

When you turned my way,  lifted my chin and came in for a kiss at the beach it felt like we stepped in the same direction... Could we be so far away now?  

I lay next to you... My body is aching for your touch

I lay next to you... Your breathing soothes my soul

I lay next to you... Your hand reaches for mine and it feels like everything else has melted into non existence

I wait for you to turn around and pull me in close... It doesn't happen.

Our silence is often but I could get lost in it happily if there was a sense of knowing.  This silence however is different... It's somehow deafening.  I've never been pushed so hard in the opposite direction while feeling at the same time it isn't quite what it seems and I'm right to keep reaching out and showing you I'm not what you expected,  I never will be,  I'm not her,  I'm not them,  and my hand will always be there.

I'm so utterly lost in you.  I'm so scared to know what happened to those three words that seem to have been lost on your lips... You are my crash landing ••• 

Reaching

I've had the hardest couple of weeks...

Work was nothing short of brutal this week and today was almost the breaking of me.  Thank goodness for great colleagues who bought me hot drinks and made it a little better.  Kept me from cracking up and shedding a tear at least.  I'm a driven person and I really want to get ahead in life,  I've also the golden salary to still achieve,  but is it worth it?  This job certainly isn't.

Love life wise... I'm so utterly disappointed

I've been blogging for years and those of you who have been reading all along will know that from time to time I go through phases,  but for someone to really get under my skin is rare.  I am little miss dismissive with my checklist and lack of tolerance for anyone who treats me anything less than perfect.  Several men lay in my wake the last few years OOJ, Mr Hellicopter, Beaker, Cherry and a many more who were that insignificant in the grand scheme of things I'm unable to recall their names.  Only two people have played on my mind in that time... Clerk (of course he would,  we were friends for years), and now Miles.

I can't get him out of my head.  How can I? He is right for me.

Everything whirls round and round and I've no idea where to go.  Up is down,  and right is left,  and all the while he says he likes me more than before and yet somehow here we are... Not moving forward.

Evanescence has been my rock.  I have no idea what I would have done without her!  The sister of Mr X, and even she sees it in me, the 'knowing' that I know.  Only there's nothing she can do to change things,  she can only hold my hand (virtually) as I try to steady myself and find my feet again.  I don't want to find my feet tho... I want to be swept off them.

Miles asked me 101 questions about giving things a go the other day,  I'm not sure if he was trying to work out if I would put him aside some point for someone closer,  with less challenges,  or if he was trying to see how free he could be while keeping me on the side.  I don't think it was the latter, but then again he has confused the hell out of me with his lack of commitment to anything and evasion of topics since we met.  Ironically the girl who tends to fall in love and then meander into a relationship has somehow become the opposite I his eyes.

I wish he could take a glimpse at my world here,  see how I truly am and then feel settled in the knowledge that taking risks and jumping in puddles is in my nature,  but not something I chose to do with most.  Maybe then would he be less inclined to curve and bend and leave me standing with my eyes filled with heat and salt, and my heart like its about to burst.

I know it's wrong and if you weren't anonymous readers then I wouldn't disclose,  but the only thing keeping me sane right now is the hate I keep directing at my body.  The emptiness in my stomach and the pain from the lack of medication.  It's reminding me I'm here.  I here,  in not invisible,  and I while everything else is spiralling out of control,  I have this.  My newly formed focus.  My way to hate all the things that hold me back without having to speak.  My secret.

Control

I need control.

There's so little in life that you can control... My life is one giant uncontrolled pot at the moment.  My job is tiresome - overworked,  underpaid, and dying to break out and be challenged; but there's so little opportunity.  Financially I'm in an ok place, but I'm currently packing to move in with g-star for the next six months.  It will allow me to save cash,  and reassess where I want to be.  It definitely isn't here.

I need to be by the ocean,  I have to live by the sea.  I've always known it is the place that soothes me, but visiting Miles and taking some time on my own one afternoon to let us both have some space after a conversation that saw the crack appear in the magic bubble, made me realise how much.  Miles aside,  I found a place I could quite readily call home.  A safe haven.  A beautiful bubble of a place.  I need to find somewhere like that and move.  I have six months.  I need somewhere to soothe and calm my soul.  Wash it all away.

I also need the sunshine.  Something to soothe my aching body and feed me in the only way I want.  With warmth and peacefulness.  Quite happily I could shrink if I felt warm and calm.

I've started demanding control.

I'll no longer play the long game at work.  I'll take what I want,  stand my ground, and look to move on as soon as possible.  There's a part of me that keeps thinking I should move the Gstar plan to one side, sell everything and just go... Go somewhere and fade.  Somewhere sunny where I can ache and shrink and smile.  I'm done with fighting my own body too.  I fight with control of this beast every day,  and every day sense and those little thoughts in my head win.  They aren't winning anymore.  I won't let them.  I'm going to flip things on their head.  Embrace the ache, the churning and the hunger.  I will be in control.

If only I had been in control sooner.  If only I had understood all I needed to do was twist and anger in the right direction... At myself,  and smile at the pain rather than make it go away.

I miss him.

Unfortunately you can't control people.  If I had looked different, I wouldn't be here now... He might not see it, but I do.

Pebbles

I've slept and nothing feels any better.

Miles sent me a couple of unrelated messages last night, and tried to call.  He definitely has no idea how cutting his words were, it's like he doesn't see how fragile I am at all.

I remember him once describing anxiety as a world where you constantly think about others before yourself, and everything is worst case scenario which becomes so consuming and debilitating you are continually exhausted.  I'm starting to think I've never been that far removed from that world,  I perhaps just didn't realise it.

I'm not sure why, but the fact he called last night was the one thing that calmed me to breathe deeply and find a way to sleep.  Just knowing he was reaching in my direction,  for whatever reason.  It soothed me.

I couldn't answer of course, what would I have said?  

I have no idea where to go from here.  I know most would tell me to pull the plug and step away, but I never want to do that.  That's how I know... He has a piece of me that I don't want back, and I still want to be that person that smiles in his direction and tells him that he isn't alone while he finds his way back into the world.  How much strength am I going to need when they start to see him as I do and he begins to shine on the outside and the world sees him as I already do.  


I can't not have someone who knows me the way he does  and walk in the other direction.  I can't however reach out and tell him either.  I can't find the words to tell him it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I need him as a friend, I need him in my life.  It would be selfish.  I feel I've placed my whole head on a platter in front of him the last 24hrs,  it couldn't even make sense for me to try and explain why all or nothing would never be the right thing.

I've a feeling at some point over the next few days, with me not knowing what to say and wanting to curl up in a ball, and him with space and time to perhaps realise the gravity of my thoughts, he will step away and cut me out.  I don't think he will reach out again. 

If I can't pretend nothing is wrong, and despite wanting to pick up the phone to him with every inch of me, I can't find the strength to answer his call... He will disappear.

I'm lost.

Needtobreathe - Something Beautiful
Link

Butterflies & Ravens

I don't even know where to start...

I fell in love.  Unexpectedly and hopelessly in love.  

I flew back from visiting Miles last week.  It was nine days of emotion, surprises and confusion.  I hadn't expected to be drawn to him when he walked through the door at the airport, I genuinely hadn't, but I was.  Not because of how he looked, but because he had taken a leap of faith and here he was, the boy with anxiety standing in front of the girl with confidence issues and his smile took my breath away.

I can't really bring myself to type out the detail, partly because my heart can't take it, and partly because this time, I didn't want to share my 'something special'.  How ironic is that.

Tonight bloggers came the harsh reality.

When we parted ways and I got on the plane things were left with so many things whirling round my head.  He hadn't wanted to commit to giving things a go saying the question was too big for his anxiety.  A lack of click.  He liked me more than before I had arrived, and had explained his feelings emotions would drop after I left.  The more time we spent together the more he liked me, but he didn't want me to take on the burden of making a go of things if they didn't work out down the line.  Ordinarily I would have taken it all as a giant neon sign, but knowing all of him, I didn't want to shut a door that might just be a little out of reach due to head space and challenges I will never fully understand'; challenges he battles every day.

I didn't get the giant click either, but there was no need. He was there, standing right in front of me.  The boy that had called us soul mates, had told me he loved me, had read me to sleep over and over again, could calm me even when the world was tipped on it's head, and the ONLY person in the whole wide world that I had ever opened my world to (nothing hidden).  He knew my hopes and dreams for the future (even the embarrassing ones I sometimes struggle to admit to myself), he knew my sexuality (every murky corner), my health, my past, my relationship history, and he hadn't run away.  Every single inch of my life had been opened up, handed over, and his response... To tell me that he loved me.  To call me babygirl.  To make me smile from the inside.

I believed every single thing he said.  Trusted all the things he sent me.  

I'm such a fool.

I should have realised he was just playing at hallmark boyfriend.

I thought I had found the one, the one that people talk about, the one that you can be 100% yourself with, the one that you hope exists but never actually believe it. The one you can sing in the shower with, dance around the kitchen with, walk along the beach in your jogging bottoms and no makeup with, the one that will kiss you on the forehead, pull you in close and tell you that everything is going to be ok when the world has you on your knees.  

I thought he saw me the same way I saw him. 

I've always been self conscious about the way I look, and 101 people in my life will tell me I'm stupid, but the reality is that he and I were in the same place. Nothing at all changed... except for me standing in front of him.  When I asked if it was how I looked he told me he had known how I looked before I went and that there had been no surprises.

I stood in front of him and while I stayed the same, everything changed.

Since getting back I have circled things 1000 times, was it his anxiety stopping us?  Had he been honest when he said he liked me more?  Did I just need to take a different role this time?  Did he just need to know I wouldn't run away at the first sign of a struggle?

I put myself out there, I couldn't walk away without making sure.  I had to tell him that I would move the world to stand by his side.  That we could go as slow or as fast as he wanted, that time didn't matter because if he let me, I would be standing there till the end of time.  We could take on the world one step at a time, that I would hold his hand on the long road if he would only let me.

He updated himself as single and looking the same place we met today; less than a week since hot tears ran down my face as I flew away and he told me 'maybe this won't be it...'

When I told him I didn't understand he told me I was overthinking it.  

I've learnt so much about anxiety since meeting Miles and while I made so many mistakes while we spoke, he always said I had tried to understand more than anyone else he had met before.  Anxiety... the world of barriers, worst case scenarios and overthinking.  Not once did I tell him he was overthinking, being irrational, being stupid.  Never once did I think it.  It is his world of chaos and no other words would be as stupid or cut as deep as those... So why did he think it was ok to say them to me?

Why is it that the broken girl always gets her heart smashed against the wall.  

So many times I had sat and listened as he began to spiral, his head out of control.  Breathing down the phone, calming him, letting him know it was all ok, that he was ok, that it seemed crazy right now and that I knew he wasn't alright, but that the storm would pass and I would sit there as long as it took for his thoughts to settle and his heart to stop beating out his chest.  'Overthinking it'.  I would never have expected those words from him...

I didn't think it was possible for me to fall in love again, let alone in the way that I did, completely open and vulnerable.  No secrets, no surprises.  Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.

Overthinking. Stupid. Ugly. Overweight.  Ugly.  Stupid.  Ugly.

Life is hard, and putting myself out there and stepping outside the box never seems to work out.  I don't want people to notice me anymore, I'd rather be invisible. I'm going to do every single thing I can to ensure I fade into the background, personality and physical.  Introverted mind, broken but small body.  Small... 

I've made such a fool of myself.  I had no idea I would be such a let down in person.  I should have known.  I was so incredibly stupid to think I would find magic.  I was so stupid to think I could have found someone that would like me for me. Someone honest.  Someone that would look out for me, look after me no matter what happened. Someone who thought I was worth the risk.  Someone that would always, always look out for me and after my heart no matter what, no matter which eventuality. Stupid to think I would be something other than not being enough with my soul laid bare.

I fell in love with his soul.  His beautiful broken soul.

I don't think he will ever realise where I was or where his dismissive words have taken me.

I wish you could wish yourself into non-existence. I don't need to learn anymore, experience anymore, find out anymore.  I've felt hurt too many times.  I'm done.

The Pretty Reckless - You

click for final soundtrack

•••

That's the problem with a whirlwind,  you're either swept up or knocked off your feet.