I want a teleporter

Miles and I are in the wait and see bucket for the next few weeks and I can't help but wonder if we are both looking at the same 'prize' at the end.  If we make it to the next 'checkpoint' then the serious parts will most likely be a reality we need to talk about.  The things that up until now we have mentioned and played about with but haven't really been reality driven.

Where do we live?
How do we make it work financially?
Would he relocate here for a while?
What size place would we need?
Does he want marriage?
How would I get a visa?
How will we save for the future?
Are kids part of the 'plan'?  When? (Unfortunately there is a very short time span for this one -  it's a jump in and see right now kinda one if we add in average conception times)
Where do his kids fit in?
Where do I fit in with his kids?
What do our wider families think?

So so many questions,  and unfortunately as neither of us are Spring chickens,  the biological clocks are running,  and as he already has a young family,  we couldn't really play the suck it and see card.  It would work,  and we would end up letting time and opportunity get away from us.

Right now however there are too many in the moment changes happening to even keep track.  My new job is enjoyable but with game changer news on how I fit in delivered on Friday knocking me off kilter somewhat I've been struggling to sleep.  2hrs here, 3hrs there.  I'm shattered but I can't shut off.  Bad dreams are plentiful.  5am and I just plain give up.  I try not to think about he and I too much during this time and if I did it would circle the same thing over and over... Is his ex messaging (not the baby mama but an older one - I definitely need to vent at a later time about this one) and,  is he messaging back.  He tells me no.  I believe him,  but then I would have no way of knowing either way.  I despise her.  I do need to vent... Trying not to right now.

He on the other hand also has a heap.  There's some practical stuff about legalities where he lives that needs covering off,  he is changing some medication which is having some impact (some of which I'm really concerned about),  and there's maybe a bigger piece that has him look at if adding things in was the right thing.  I really worry about this.  I worry about its effect on us.  On sex.  On the things that make people a couple.  Ultimately though he is the one who has to be I control so I've expressed my thoughts and I need to just let him decide.  On top of that there's also a journey he is on that should see him more confident and capable over the next few months.  I hope it works miracles.  I wonder if we will be there if it does. I want him to find what he needs from it either way.  This concern bloggers I've not mentioned.  It isn't appropriate. He needs to be the best version of himself and everything else is irrelevant including me/us in that process.

For now though,  I would settle for a hug.

Falling asleep on the phone is the one flow we do same to have though.  The one constant.  I love it.  I like hearing his breathing and snores.  It makes me content.  His medication has squished them somewhat but it's the sentiment.  It's lovely.  He doesn't even ask it's just assumed and it's perfect.

So here I am.  A content but incredibly tired and stressed out celibate blogger typing this from her bed while I listen to him breathe and hope it will ease me to sleep.  Life isn't so bad

I need longer arms

Miles and I are in the land of the Unknown.  There are so many parts of he and I that are better,  stronger,  more together when we are a unit.  I find the way I feel bout him difficult to describe.  I've fallen in love twice before,  each different,  but both with the same sense of intensity.  With Miles it's different.  I don't have that all encompassing passion fuelled haze.  I have... Well I'm not sure.

He makes me laugh... A lot.  He makes me feel calm and warm and safe when I'm with him.  The way he gently brushed my hair,  rubs my bum as I'm falling asleep,  puts his arm around me as we are sat down.  He is like a blanket.  Don't get me wrong,  he exites me too,  it's just different.  There are more barriers.

To be honest bloggers there are so many barriers it's like we are doomed before we began,  but somehow we just keep gently knocking through them.  He is a different man.  A better man.  I am a different girl.  We just seem to fit.  Not in the conventional way,  but like a pyramid.  I think we could be stronger together than most couples if we can get to the togethser part.  I'm missing him a heap!  I sill need to blog and vent and let it all out about where I'm at and how we got here,  but today isn't the day.  Today I just want extra long arms to hold him and hug him and let him know I'm there.  I don't know how to reach him The same when we are apart.

New tablets are playing a part again.  I hope the twist is for the good despite how I feel and see things at the moment.  Shut down and shut out will never bode well for us and I don't want to be in that place again,  not after knowing when we are together how far and fast we can run.  If two months was anything to go by a year would see us somewhere amazing.  Could see us somewhere amazing.

Today is Father's Day.  He hasn't had what he hoped for,  what he needed,  what he deserved.  I... Well I never know what to do on this day.  14yrs and it still cuts deeper than I think anything else in my life ever will.

I want kids.  It's constantly on my mind.  It's a hopeless,  fruitless,  pointless thought to have.  It's never going to happen and I need to start training my brain to deal with it or I'm always going to struggle.  He is so incredibly lucky to have what he has despite his whirlwinds of craziness over the years.  I don't know how I'll fill the gap.  Is it even possible? 

Get up. Get up! GET UP!!!

Its Wednesday afternoon,  I'm sat on the beach,  and Miles is still in bed.  I was worried he would slip when he came back home,  worried that things would shift,  but I didn't realise in the twist of it all I would somehow end up being the bad guy.  The eternal nag.

The last three days we haven't done a thing.  Friday we took the kids swimming,  Saturday I found myself at the beach having waited until after 12 for him to get out of bed and eventually giving up.  I bumped into his mum and bf and by late afternoon he had emerged,  by the evening his normal self.  Saturday we did nothing.  I had asked what he wanted to do and the entire thing turned into a negotiation leaving me feeling shitty having been scoffed at when I said I had wanted to know how to dress.  We spent the day indoors despite it being sunny.  Late afternoon came and went and we hid upstairs as his mums friends came round.  

Sunday was different.  I had told him a few days before what I had wanted to do and was pretty strong in showing it mattered.  I wanted to be at the event for 11.  That didn't happen.  Lots of negotiation later and he was eventually up and dressed.  By the time we headed out all my excitement for the day had been burst.  It was a nice afternoon all the same but it lost some of its shine for sure.  It was really busy out and I was so impressed with how he pushed himself once we were out.  Late afternoon we headed back to his with a plan of relaxing in the garden.  When we got there his mum was hosting a party.  Shift.  We were left feeling awkward.  I was left looking like a lemon as he disappeared because I had asked we sit outside.  The evening was tense and disappointing.  Monday we did nothing.  We sat in the house.  He didn't get showered or changed until early evening when my asking had almost tipped the apple cart to another falling out.  Nat nag nag.  That's all I seem to be doing since we got here. 

Are you getting up - nag

Are we doing something - nag

Get in the shower - nag

Are you getting changed - nag

Please get in the shower - nag

Let's go do something - nag

Are you getting in the shower - nag

Go shower - nag

And all the while met with the same responses.  My head wants to pop.  By the time we are at the part of actually doing something I'm in a foul mood and can't be arsed.  It's frustrating getting up and dressed not knowing where you are going or what you are doing.  Even more so when you're suitcase living and it's roasting outside so by the time Miles is showered and ready looking fab I've already started to look and feel like a bag of spanners.

Are you getting up - Not right now

Are we doing something - Ummm

Do you want to go and xxx - Not really

Get in the shower - What are we doing

Shall else go for a pub lunch - Errr

Please get in the shower - Alright just not right now

Get dressed - Yess boss

Are we staying in today then (hopes for an answer because at least this way I can change for mooching about and come up with a plan that's fun but accommodates if he is feeling too anxious) - I don't know what do you want to do...

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

Today my head fees like it wants to pop.  I can't and I won't play the game of 'but I have anxiety'.  I know he does.  I get it is difficult.  I know I will never fully understand.  At the same time however I also get stressed and uptight and so there has to be a compromise.  Today has been rewind and repeat and I swear I could scream.

I decided to leave the house and just chill on my own (again).  I picked up a croissant for him and dropped it off.  I'm not eating.  I was so incredibly hungry yesterday but we were stuck upstairs in his room.  His mum hadn't thought through anything and we were trapped.  His anxiety and my lack of confidence to just help myself without him there had us with no food and limited drink which I decided to leave for him so he could take his tablets.  12 o clock last night he brings me a plate and when I say no thanks he throws the fork and a bar of chocolate on the floor and walks off.  2 hours later I ask him to come to bed.  We both love each other but the last few days have been exhausting for the pair of us I think.

So here I am.  It's 12:40,  I've been up two hours and after what felt like yet another negotiation and me having to sit there endlessly waiting for him to just get up and get dressed for us to think about what to do,  I gave up.  My head is going to pop if I have to ask him to get up and showered one more time.  I can't do it again.  Anger doesn't even come close to describing how it makes me feel.  I'm happy to decide what we do but everytime I do it's met with an ummm or an err.  Then when I leave it open its too open.  He wants suggestions even though we have already spoken about what we could do previously.  I will move and meld.  I'm little miss indecisive in my personal life and continually push not to be with him as I know that's what I need to do,  and I could do better at this I know,  but I absolutely draw the line at doing this one more time.  I'm not nagging or negotiating for someone to just get up and showered and out of bed before the day has gone.  What we do isn't dependant on that.  Anything and everything requires getting up and clean unless the intention is to stay in bed all day.  

I question if I am being the asshole and if I'm honest I would probably look at this entire thing differently if the conversations we were having were sat together somewhere both showered,  clean and ready to go.  If that was the sticking point then I could pro ably own it and say I was the one in the wrong.  With this though I just can't do it.  I fee like I'm on repeat and the thought of just that alone.  Just that one phrase 'are you getting up' passing my lips again 'are you getting showered' even going through my mind is enough to make me want to scream until my throat bleeds.

So here I am.  Hot and sweaty sat on the beach in the rain with only 1 day left before I go home.  

Paths ever changing

I'm phone blogging -  this never ends well.

I've so much to talk over and talk about but for now it's a few condensed feelings running through my mind.  2016 is half way and wowzer has it been a big one!  New car,  new significant other, and new job.  So many changes and yet the same me.  Maybe a little calmer.

I'm currently sat writing this from a sun lounger in his garden in 21 degree heat.  The last 12hrs haven't been a great few for us.  

He and I decided to give things a go in February.  It's now June and we are still together.  It's been an ever changing path.  Two very different people finding a middle ground,  and for the most part it's been a two way compromise that has blended and curved with little debate.  Give a little,  take a little,  smile,  talk it out,  every changing,  always moving.  We have somehow made a unit.  An unusual but a unit all the same.  Roles somewhat reversed against my usual place.  I'm the provider,  the financial hub,  the one pushing us forward to a bigger picture.  He is the one for the most part holding the brush and painting what that looks like.  This time it isn't someone who hands me everything,  he questions and pushes back but at the same nurtures previously forgotten parts of me.  He holds the inner me.  The one that wants to be silly and care free but takes a while to shine through.  It is a beautiful thing, it is also a dangerous thing.  Never before have I found myself raising my voice,  walking out a room, volatile in my vocalisation.  There's something raw in our interactions, intense, stubborn and embedded in our disagreements.

At first I thought those times would be the breaking points.  I was sure it would be where we snapped.  Until one night after an explosion I woke the next day,  his arms wrapped around me as always,  his loving kisses on my neck and shoulders.  Utterly enveloped in him.  Safe,  warm, and loved.  I felt exactly where I should be.  The apologies didn't mean a thing.  They weren't needed.  We  just 'are'.  An unusual jigsaw with a few jagged edges that eventually somehow fit.

I know I'm good for him.  He pushes himself.  We spent the last two months at my place, him out of his comfort zone and every day taking new steps.  They seemed to be bigger and easier every day.  He looks better,  walks taller,  smiles more,  seems to just shine.  I adore this about him.t

He is good for me.  He calms me in my soul,  that place that has been so noisy for so long.  He makes me giggle, he brings a smile to my face.  I love him.

There are some significant things tho... 

The next 3-4months are going to be the teller I think.  He has things planned every week to get his life in order and I start my new job.  We most likely won't see each other unless a fairy godmother appears.  Money and time we just don't have.  I think if we make the time work and we both still want the same thing it will be time to make a move.  Visas work permits and a commitment from both of us to be in the same place at the same time; working together as a unit until we can make it official.  Permanent. 

His kids (well 3 of them) are starting to warm to me a little I think.  The battle is going to be a long one I imagine.  I'll bide my time and keep being me and see where it goes.  Goodbye hugs and goodnight kisses and waves are far in the future I think.  He has been the step-parent,  the 'incomer' before but in a very different circumstance.  I don't think he contemplates how hard it is.  I watch him,  when he is just being dad,  when he forgets I'm there.  He is brilliant at it.  He is so incredibly lucky!  Despite his life taking some difficult turns,  he has managed in his 35yrs to accomplish everything I've ever wanted.  I watch him just being and it breaks my heart.  Everything I ever wanted and something I'll never have.  Time passing by the second.  I look on and I wonder if he has a clue, any idea at all.  It sounds selfish.  It probably is.  

We did sports day and I felt so incredibly lost.  It was a lot for him so I wrapped it up and stood on it. Thank god for sunglasses and sunshine.  Dried tears and painted on smiles.  I was so proud for him. Inside I was hurting,  a huge gap.  He mentioned the word step-parent to me.  I thought he would elaborate,  he didn't.  It's lingered in my mind.

Unconfident in my body,  he has touched everywhere.  He knows and has talked over things with me that make me want to die inside.  Weight, hair,  hair colour,  blood,  tears,  everything!  I've hidden nothing.  He makes me feel... Ok.  Ok is better than anything before.  Ok is somehow a win.  My body has been broken this last week.  Pills to one side... I'm now starting to feel it.  I need to keep on though.  I need to metamorphosise into something else.  Me in a different skin.  

He told me when we didn't go for it before it was because of how I looked.  How other people would look at us.  I hadn't expected that.  It cut.  He doesn't make me feel like that though.  Not really.  

I tell him he looks good often.  He tells me I'm beautiful sometimes.  Quietly.  Yesterday however his words cut.  They were deep and hurtful.  I've found myself in my own head now.  No reason to talk.  No words.  

I'm silent and in pain.  My head now matching my body.  

He brought me tea and cake in the garden.  We didn't speak.  He wants an apology because I left him surrounded by new people and feeling lost.  I want an apology too.  When we see his kids the anxiety gets a hold of us both.  We hold it together well until we exhale.  This time was different though.  I had such a great day.  I would have had a 100 like that.  The evening though.  Two small sentences and here I am.  Insular.  He referred to 'my room'. It was horrible and after that unbareable.  A left over space.  Shut away.  Out of sight.  Cold.  I hadn't realised it would ever be like that... Not if we were together.  My room had been his.  My things had been his.  

I love him.  I love this place.  

I've just fallen a million miles and haven't moved at all.  

For the last 9 weeks I've been certain of the forward.  Never knowing where the next step will be.  Never sure where our feet will land,  but always sure we will be left standing.  I can't feel my feet right now.  I know I should speak.  I know I should just DO something.  I can't. 

I don't know who was wrong,  who was right.  All I know is I'm not sure I can get back up.  

The path is so uncertain.  Getting on the plane is going to break me.  Him going backwards will tear my heart.  I want him to stay strong.  I want the dip to be less than it has been in the past.  I want things I don't think I'll have; things time isn't on my side for.  I want a certain someone to be thrown away.  Thrown far and never looked back on.  I want boxed memories to be trash... Things that don't matter because forward is the only important thing.  I want to feel enough.  Feel beautiful.  

I clearly want a lot.  Too much?  I don't know.  I would give it all so maybe not.

I am screaming on the inside.