Hcg

Elated levels of hcg,  protein and some blood... I stopped listening after hcg.

Fuck!

Fire & Ice

Have you ever seen the series Gavin and Stacey?  I have.  It's perfect.  I want that.  Surely it shouldn't be that impossible?

The last few days have been a bit of a blur, I've been forcing myself to go through the motions while suppressing myself from doing what would come so naturally... curling into a giant ball and texting Miles.

He called me the other day, it was a little unexpected and came exactly at the right time as I had not long returned from another horrific day at work (again!).  We spoke on the phone for about an hour, he calms me with such ease.  In terms of 'us', we are no further forward with, in fact we are no-where.  It's over.  We speak barely, never flirt and all the while I've still no idea (if this was the outcome), why he couldn't just have said it was where he wanted to be all along and saved me the pain of trying to grasp at something as it fades away like smoke.

He is always on my mind.  Today I was in a meeting at work talking about some conference call or other and out of nowhere out popped his name mid sentence.  Luckily I don't think anyone noticed.  You see even when I'm not thinking about him, I'm thinking about him.  He invades my dreams, my conscious thought and my resting mind... It is altogether impossible move on.  I just don't know how.

I found myself contemplating Facebook and the lives of others yesterday - a dangerous game; but I just don't get it.  In the last two years I've known two marriages one long term couple split up, all parties of which have since moved on.  It blows my mind!  How can people be so flippant about it all?!!?  What makes it so impossible for me when others seem to be able to flick a switch?  The last thing I want when love fails is to step right into the game, and even when I do I rarely 'fall'.  I think it took me a good two years to start dating after Clutz, and another two before I met Mr X; after him well... you already know that story; and here I am... Miles.

I didn't plan for this.  I didn't plan to fall for someone in a different country, I didn't plan to fall in love when I met him, and I certainly didn't plan to be where I am now; wondering where to go and how to squash feelings that for me are so real and deep that if I'm honest I struggle to understand how they came to be so readily.

Yep bloggers, I'm definitely a black or white girl.  There's no middle ground, even when I try to convince myself there is, god help you if you get caught in the crossfire of the land of grey - when the penny drops and I realise you'll never be more than mild amusement, I'm cutting.  There's no ghosting or fading away in this little chick's dating land.  Not when I'm the A-player. Smoke doesn't exist, only fire and ice.

I was at a friends wedding last weekend and was asked for my number by one guy and had another get my digits from my friend (he has yet to be found forgiveness) to text me and tell me he thought I was 'hot' - ummm way to rock the 90s vocab.  Needless to say rather than feeling flattered it only served to make me think about Miles and that bloggers resulted in the one thing any self respecting 21st century girl should aim to stay away from... The drunken text. Phones should come with brethalisers).  Did I mention the fact I was hot potato while making a total prat of myself declaring that I missed him I hear you wonder.  No, no I did not.  For all Miles knew I had been sat there sniffling into a glass of prosecco all night.  Not ceilidh dancing and playing enforced social butterfly - drunk text Ser3ndipity just went for full on mental case!   Wedding aside, men have been creeping about all over the place.  I've been asked for a drink thing by a guy at work who refers to himself as 'Hunter', I mean seriously... Hunter?!  Needless to say I  smiled politely and like with the others,  rapidly declined.  Mr Helicopter and a couple of guy friends I've known for a while also seem to have sensed the single-ness even though I've not declared it, and have made mumblings of drinks.  I'm just not interested.  There's some serious irony that Miles asked me what I would do if someone asked me for a drink if we were going to see where it went... I can't even bring myself to go for a bloody drink with a guy after its over, let alone when we were on the same track!

Red and Evanescence have both been giving me girl advice.  They're such great friends when it comes to listening to my boy dilemmas, but even by their own admission this one is tough because it is so rare that I declare I've fallen in love.  I'm not quite sure they know what to do with it to be honest.  I think they are both a little perplexed at it and are hoping I'm a little confused.  Evanescence told me I should cut him out, that he isn't any good for me, and that he's messed me about saying he wanted to see where it goes when he clearly doesn't.  She did a really quick about turn after giving me some solid anxiety advice when I first got back - she's the reason I did the jump and put my cards on the table telling him exactly how I felt and how I would be happy to slow things right down, right back to the start if that's what he needed providing he and I were going to be exclusive.  Yep, Evanescence thinks I should run for the hills and fast.  Red is a little more balanced, she and I are very similar in some respects and she knows it will take a lot for me to tell myself that there is nothing else that can be said or could done to find a way forward.  That said, she had me download tinder the other day and go swiping... 2 hours of  'left, left, left, left' and I realised it wouldn't matter if everyone on there had right swiped me, I would never know.  I wasn't interested.  They weren't for me.  They weren't him.  They weren't Miles.  I deleted it and removed myself.

I think Miles and I will drift further and further apart over the next few weeks, the festive season.  All the while him thinking it came to a natural end, and all the while I'll be thinking about him constantly as my mind runs things through over and over driving me insane wishing there was something I could do, but at a total loss for words.  He will disappear and I'll be screaming 'I love you, is there nothing at all we can do, please don't leave' on the inside.

It will sound insignificant and stupid to some of you, but I keep coming back to my tattoo...

One small heart with three dots.  Three.  Not four or five or six; three.  Clutz,  Mr X and the spare dot for the last guy I was ever going to fall in love with and give my heart to.  There was never going to be a fourth dot.  I don't want a fourth, I never wanted a fourth.  He was meant to be my forever.  How could I have read things so wrong.  I'm going to get it covered up.  Not to move on, but to signify that I found love three times, three fantastical times and that it was enough.  It isn't what I wanted.  It didn't end how I wanted, but I'm not looking anymore.  The fractures run too deep.  I'll work it all out, how to grow old by myself, how to move forward by myself.  How to press the stop button if I can't.  The girl who had three dots, three beautifully all encompassing dots, each more magical than the last.  I'll remember them all with love and fondness.  Love and fondness and wishes that one day at some point they look back and remember me with a smile.  If history repeats itself Miles will find the girl that magically lights him up in the not too distant future, the one that comes after me; always the one that comes right after.  His forever person.  I'll smile when he tells me, like I did with the others.  Smile while I'm breaking inside.  I know, I just KNOW he was the third.  I've never felt like that before.  Not fireworks and intensity, but softness, calmness and happiness.  Quiet and yet so incredibly loud.

Three dots.  One, two, and I jumped and there was the third when I least expected it.

I could tell you a million and one things, how I'm not sleeping because I can't switch off at night; how I've starting shaking and hear the blood whoohing in my ears as my heart beats through my chest each day I walk up the stairs to the office.  That I've been starving myself and my stupid messed up body has rebelled by bloating leaving me hating every inch of my body even more, the body that let me down, the body that wasn't good enough.  I could tell you about the pain in my abdomen, the cramping that has worsened and worsened over the last two weeks so much so that at times I'm doubled up in half that I'm petrified to go to see the GP about.  The thing is bloggers, it doesn't matter.  None of it matters, because the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing on my mind in a morning is him.  He'll never know how important he was to me and I'll never quite know if things would have turned out differently if I hadn't given him the unedited version.  If there was something I could do or say that could have us back on the exclusive page with the couple app still in play, lists and trips and adventures and dancing in the kitchen ahead.  It's funny how that's the thing that keeps coming back to my mind.  The simplicity of it all, the smile that lit me up on the inside.  The knowing that he and I could have lived in a cardboard box on the street and it would still have been enough.

We weren't Gavin and Stacey.  I was fire and he was ice.  I fell and he wasn't there to catch me.

If you had only one day left to live what would you do...?

I would try to figure out how to find happiness.

Stephen Fretwell - Run

click for soundtrack

13

1.  I'm still in love with him

2.  My body is starting to break again

3.  Something has to give at work. I spent today weighing up the options and found my body beginning to shake with nerves.  One less blink and I wouldn't have been able to hold back the tears

4.  I bought tickets to a gig.  Crazily expensive tickets

5.  Tomorrow is a friends wedding reception following his wedding in Vegas and already people are lining up 'single options'.  I couldn't be less interested if I tried

6.  Since I stepped off the plane and back into a world without the fairytale I've been asked for drinks five times.  Not once have I even had to stop for breath before smiling and declining

7.  Getting up and facing the world is not coming easy at the moment but I've not missed a day yet

8.  I forgot how fab I am at faking it

9.  I almost reached out today... I did reach out, but I was still at work.  At that time,  at my weakest point,  he was the only person I wanted to text.  His reply was fast.  I've being weird and fake joking and fake smile texting this eve.  He didn't call so I was right to hold it all back.

10.  I would have called

11.  I miss my dad.  Does that ever fade?  I'm envious of people with that quiet but open bond of support

12.  It's not that I want to be single, it's just that I know magic doesn't happen over and over.  I wouldn't want less than magical

13.  No one ever thinks they are a bad judge of character... I wonder if I am.  I think I might have been fooling myself all along

Kintsugi

I'm numb.

The last couple of days have been odd.  I've woken around 4am unable to sleep anymore, have headed to work at my usual time (for 7am), and by 1ish I've round myself utterly zombified.  It's like all the stress of work, moving apartment and my mind boggling 100>0 love life have become so intense that by lunchtime my brain just... shuts down.

My boss is (as always) totally overbearing and completely and utterly demanding.  Today she asked me to pull together a decile report from over 4000 lines of data containing approximately 65,000 pieces of information and to turn the findings into a presentation for 8am tomorrow morning.  Now to an excel whizz kid that might sound like a pretty easy job, but I'm not embarrassed to say bloggers that not once in my life have I had to do such a task and I had absolutely no idea where to begin.  Luckily I am well liked and so I managed to get a point in the right direction, however as suspected, the expert advised the data source was so mis-aligned and complicated that it would even take him half a day to complete.  I have absolutely no idea whether I have delivered or not.  I ran on auto-pilot from lunchtime and am convinced if I didn't work in a public space I have migrated into a hunch back with drool down my cheeks somewhere around 3pm.  The deck was sent just before I logged out and tomorrow morning 7am I'll find out if my ass is getting chewed out.  All I can say is thank goodness for google and its forums of excel gurus.  This little chick is firmly in their advisory debt.

I heard from Miles yesterday unexpectedly.  He asked how my day was going and what I was munching for dinner.  It was nice to get a text, although it made my heart a little sad at how much has changed in such a short amount of time.  Four months is all it took for my entire world to be lifted up, shaken about, and put back down again.  151 days for me to fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with a guy who will never truly know how unexpected that was, and how much he captured my heart, only to have it broken again and left wondering what the hell happened.  Tomorrow is the 13th, had we been able to make it work I would have been waking up to a 'Happy 4 months' text.  As it is... I'll be waking up to Friday the 13th and another day of trying not to think about where it all went wrong. 

As he had been in touch, I text this afternoon to see how he was doing and to ask for something to wake me up.  I had expected a random snap shot or comedy clip, what I received was something altogether different.  An invite on Facebook to a fully clothed public run into the ocean on the 1st January in his home town.  What did it mean?  Was it a 'run in the water, that will wake you up', was it a 'how awesome is my hometown, look how daft everyone is' or was it a 'come over for New Year, it would be great to see you and hang out'.   I asked if he was going to do it, he told me he would go along to watch.  I joked that I would be one of the runners if the invite had been intentional rather than an FYI.  He didn't respond.  I waited a while and found myself doing the passive aggressive (annoyed at myself for that) 'I'm guessing not then :p' text response.  His reply took some time and was a photograph of his food advising he had been making dinner.  There was no response.

I wish I could follow my own advice.  Step away when the area is blurred and the colour is intentionally grey, but the reality is, I've always been an answers girl.  When I love someone, it is black and white and I somehow need the beginning and the end to be the same.  Ghosting, drifting and fading away just don't cut it.  I need a sledgehammer.  The thing is... I'll never throw one and honestly... I think I'm too blinkin' nice for anyone half way decent to drop the bomb in my direction either.  You see... totally hopeless!

I still can't get over the niggling thoughts in the back of my mind that keep telling me if I looked different, things wouldn't have ended up like this.  Not as a reflection on Miles, but rather myself.  To talk to someone for weeks on end and to laugh, smile, and converse so well for it to all end with only one significant change.  It speaks volumes, and however hard that is to hear/swallow, I guess however difficult and seemingly impossible with all the constraints my tempremental body brings... I've got to try and change.  I can't be like this always.  I just can't.

I'm going to switch my food plan out tomorrow.  Vegetables and pulses aren't really getting me anywhere and I'm a girl with goals so it's on to permanent liquids and water to fill any gaps.  I'm not a huge fan of soup, in fact I tend to get bored of it half way through a bowl but then again - it almost sounds perfect.  I better have the blinkin' will power!

Blink 182 - I Miss You

click for soundtrack

Lost Connections & Lists

Today was the first day in a little over a month that I've had time for just me.  Time to take a breath, breathe in the world and just be.

Next weekend I need to fill the car with petrol and head to the ocean.  I need to feel at home again.

My new apartment is starting to take shape, my room a sanctuary of calm.  A bubble from the world.  Moving always makes me feel better.  Given the whole thing with Miles and work eating away at my core at the moment, it couldn't have come at a better time.  Fresh.  Clean.  Ready for the first stroke with the bright red brush.  All I have to do now is decide how and what to paint.

2016 is just around the corner.  Just around the corner and somehow I'm no further forward.  I've been running, climbing and pushing through walls the entire year and yet here I am... Same job, same city, same single girl wondering.  Its time for a list.

1. Lose 20kg (for starters)
2. Change my hair - It has been too long
3. Get to some live music
4. Soothe my soul with the beach
5. Change job.  Less talk, more action
6. Stop complaining.  It does nothing to help so just stop.
7. Smile.  Smile every day.  Fake or real, it doesn't matter.  I will smile and then maybe at some point it something will change and I'll find myself smiling on the inside
8. Find myself.  I don't know where or how I got lost, but I know if I just keep scratching at the surface I'll find her.  The better version of me
9. Record another song and find a way to share it with the world
10. Buy a new laptop - this one is on its way out and blogging is firmly in scope
11. Blog
12. Take up yoga
13. Find him.  Fight for him.

I spoke with Miles a couple of times while I was away this week.  I told him I missed him when we last spoke on the phone and his reply... 'You were only here a week' *sigh  I also made an attempt to talk over where we were which he actually seemed open to, but technology was plotting against us and so by my fourth attempt to hear the answer to the same question I've been hoping to hear for just over a month now I decided to just stop.

Things are so far away from where we were and I'm not so sure at this point that there's any going back, or any motive to move forward.  I miss the person I used to see.  The guy whose words spoke to my soul,  the guy whose voice calmed my troubles, and the guy whose flirtatious laughter and open honesty was always within reach.  He definitely cares or he wouldn't reach out at times, its just a different person at the end of the line when I answer.  Someone I recognise, but somehow don't know.  

Twin Forks - Who's Looking Out

click for soundtrack

Dubai

I'm really disappointed.

Candy Apples

It all comes down to the last person you think of at night.  That's where your heart is.

The last week or so has been hectic.  I've moved flat,  driven up and down the country,  climbed up and down 101 stairs 101 times carrying boxes and things so heavy I thought my arms were going to pop off,  have reached a period of clarity that has let me know for certain I need to move out of my current place of employment, and move fast (before I throw a chair,  desk and anything else I can get my hands on at the face off my Bette Middler looking boss),  and that's before I think about my not-so love life.  I am absolutely shattered!  

On the plus side,  I've managed to get this no eating thing down... Tonight was the first time for almost a month that I've felt like I've needed to just munch,  life however in this instance had me covered.  The hotel chef was clearly in lala land when he served up our working away from home goodies this evening so what had started off as a chicken Caesar salad and triple fried chips feast,  quickly became a cup of tea and a banana.  If I jump on the scales at Christmas and body wise nothing has changed,  I'm going to flip!  I'm medication cold turkey,  exercise insane and food minimising.  I should be a blinkin lollipop by now... I'm not seeing it.

Anyway bloggers,  my new apartment will have internet by the time I'm back home from working away,  and things are whirling so I think it's time to pull up your socks and strap yourselves in while I  dip my feet back into the waters of regular blogging.  In the words of Will Ferrell,  I need to 'get the funk outta my face' and grab my mojo back.

Love life wise things are well,  I've actually no idea.  Miles has said we should 'see how things go' but what the hell does that mean?  I'm certain he thinks I'm a stark raving lunatic who has to define everything but genuinely... I've no idea what he means by that.  Are we friends,  is there more,  should we visit,  are we flirting,  or is it a 'I don't really like you in that way but don't want to say' bullshit friend move?  I can safely say I'm 100% puzzled.  I caught up with Clio earlier this week and all she could say was 'I can tell you like him as you would have kicked anyone else to the curb by now' and she's right.  The thing is,  I think I'm in danger of making myself feel like some kind of harassment stalker if I'm not careful.  Who the hell wants to be that girl?  She sounds like a bathroom binocular watcher and hell no!  I don't wanna be her!  The thing is,  my idea of seeing where it goes ironically seems to be much more fluid,  but when met with barriers and silence when I make a suggestion or throw out a flirty comment,  it's pretty hard to know where the hell we are.

The last few days or so Miles has been in touch more,  he's asked about work,  my boss,  listened to me sound off,  and has made me giggle about candy apples,  Dhillon his dog,  and a few other random bits and bobs.  It's just weird to be met with a 'hello' and left with a 'goodbye' when a flirtatious meander about where we might go from here would surely see the occasional 'baby' or 'beautiful' thrown in?? Surely none of that would indicate a firm line of friendship rather than a 'I thought we were seeing where it goes,  and going forwards together'?

Ironically I think the uncertainty sends some kind of sonar into the world because the ones I'm not interested in... Boy have they started to come out of the woodwork.  In the last week I've heard from at least six guys I've previously been on dates with,  all asking me for coffee or testing the waters to see if there will be a positive response if they push the barriers.  What is it with boys and timing, and why is it the only guy I'm interested in flirting with is somewhere between friend-zone and playing hard to get?!  

Life would be easy if I was someone who just wanted someone to give me attention. Unfortunately I want the one that sings to me down the phone,  reads me to sleep,  dances with me in the kitchen,  makes me giggle from my tummy,  and whose voice soothes me so that my whole world of troubles melts away,  if only for a few minutes.  How easily and readily I would jump on a plane every second weekend to just see where it goes if I thought that was an option.  At this point it isn't something I feel I could suggest,  it would need to come from him.  I don't think it will...

I wish I could download my brain onto a file and send it over.  Words don't really seem to flow when it comes to Miles (I'm guessing you've worked that out already).  I can't quite seem to say what I'm feeling,  and when I try it never seems to come out right.  If he could see inside my head,  at least he would know I'm about midnight walks,  swings,  wine breakfasts,  board games, goofy giggles and smooch my kisses in a world of laughter that no-one else has to define.  That the only thing I need reassurance on is that while we take steps,  however small,  we know that neither one of us is doing the same thing elsewhere.  Yet even on this page it doesn't sound right.  It somehow isn't quite that,  because that sounds too rigid.  

Tomorrow's a new day.  Maybe something will shift and life will throw me a sign that I'm on the right path...

No prizes for guessing who the last person on my mind is tonight x