Spreadsheets & Spontaneous Texts

New day.  New approach.

Work is completely insane at the moment.  At any given moment I have two people at my desk and a phone either pinging with texts or ringing with some kind of 'emergency'.  I logged in to 568 new and unread emails this morning.  I replied to 5.  

I've decided to take 5mins each hour just to gain my sanity back.  The people I work with are lovely, but some of them have the logic of a brick.  Efficiency and logic seem to be lacking in the brains of anyone I have to manage at the moment.  Things are busy and we have all had to roll our sleeves up but come on!  I regrouped the 35 basket cases round my desk just after lunch to spell it out all over again, but come home time when checking on their productivity... several balls have still been dropped.  Tomorrow I might have to start acting out all requests through the means of interpretive dance.  

Shake it off Ser3ndipity.  Shake it off!

A giant bubble bath and an early night is calling for this girl.  From the minute I got up this morning I feel like I've had people nipping my head and no time for the people I really want to save my attention for.  I need to sort that tomorrow. Life is too short and friends are too precious to mix up my priorities, even if my super-duper pulls data from 101 different places and calculates my life into simple figures with text analytics breaks again.  I need to go on a blinkin excel course.  I was doing ok until 2010 came in and messed up my learner mojo.  I'm starting to think I would prefer to work in an environment where I don't have to directly manage people.  I would get sooooo much done!  Including direct and non-direct reports, this week I've over 40 managers linking in covering an FTE of over 1400.  I'm only one little Ser3ndipity.

In other news I woke up to another cute text from Mr Helicopter this morning. Although that aside, he has been rather quiet.  To be fair, I've had zero time for flirting today, but while I'm clearly on his mind for first thing texts etc, where is the chatty guy I was talking to before 'the bombshell'?  The other 2... the registrar and the hotelier are still persisting.  I am useless at telling someone I'm not interested via text!  I guess I should consider my way of backing off without telling them I'm not interested (aka failing to reply) as a positive sign that Mr Helicopter isn't doing the same.  I am certainly not texting him each morning.

Bastille - Of The Night

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Magnetic

Why is it that in life, advice is much easier to hand out than to take... even if it's your own.

My heart always has, and always will, rule my head.  I am a slave to it.  The child of romantics (my parents met on a blind date).  Someone who will search for love for an eternity.  One small sparkle is all it takes and crash, bang, whollop, I lose all sense.

The last two days I've had several texts from two differing guys I've been speaking to.  The first an acute medical registrar well on his way to being a consultant.  Great job, nice house, exceptionally nice car and zero baggage. The second a hotelier with a flare for the romantic and a willingness to squash any barrier I put in place.  Both these men are what most women would consider a catch.  Successful, smart, charming, and very interested... I however don't seem to be one of them.

I can't quite kick the lingering thoughts of Mr Helicopter.  Thoughts that are making me question my sanity, I mean come on!  A guy who wants to be with you makes it happen and doesn't cancel your first date without straight away organising another right?!

I heard from Mr Helicopter the same night he cancelled our date.  We spoke on the phone and he told me he absolutely wanted to take me on a date, and had found me pleasantly confident in my approach to being let down.  I don't get what it is.  The sense inside me keeps telling me to cut and run.  Get out of there.  He comes with a heap of baggage and he is either full of spin, or he is pushing hard to see if I will run.  Ironically, normally I would have been like Ussain Bolt.  He is under my skin.

I don't get it.  I've never met him... Sure we have spoken and yes, there are things about him that are charming and enigmatic, but there are many things about him that are so so far from what I am looking for.  Yet here I am... Blogging about him once again.  

I spent this afternoon lazily perusing the internet as the weather outside is insane, however rather than trolling through online movies and netflix type sites; I found myself doing research.  What exactly is his medical condition, what are the challenges, are they things I could handle, are they things any normal person could handle?  Entering into any kind of relationship with this guy would be like stepping into the path of a volcano... There is no happy ending. Vesuvius will blow, and the only question is how much of the land it will destroy on it's way.  

I can't believe I am thinking this way.  I genuinely can't, and it makes my mind twirl and spin in confusion, but I somehow feel like I need him.  I don't care about anything else.  I mean, I do, but all I can think of is that sometimes in this world you stumble upon someone and it is meant to be.  Like magnets.  In my entire life, I've only once before felt like this and he was my first love, the guy who healed me.  The only person who has ever healed me.  I just can't shake thinking that this person, this guy, has somehow fallen into my life to do the same.  

I can pretend all I like, but every piece of me believes in serendipity... It blows like the wind, and I can't help but feel the breeze on my face.  

I wish I knew what was going on in his head.  Is it possible for me to be feeling like this without him feeling the same?  I feel quite possibly insane. Madness has taken over, but he is on my mind ALL the time.  All the time and I haven't even sat in the same room as him.  (and before you start thinking he could be anyone... He is most definitely who he said he is... the link he sent me had many pictures and videos).

I'm not attracted to or drawn to him because there aren't other offers on the table.  There are, and they are persistently so.  I just... I've clicked and when I click, my whole world implodes.  I've taken total leave of my senses.

I hope this doesn't end with my heart in a pile of dust on the floor.

Kodaline - What It Is

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Cilla... I know you are reading this

Cold Water Cleaning My Wounds

Today didn't really go to plan.  Not even a little.

Last night my date (let's call him Mr Helicopter) was being a little evasive.  You know me, I rarely take a back seat when something is biting at my brain, so I called him out on it.  He told me he wasn't sure he could meet me today and then shortly after he called and we spoke on the phone.  I could have talked to him for hours.  He told me a little about his life and slowly the dots started to join, but before a line formed we bid each other goodnight.  He told me he had a doctors appointment in the morning and travelling from his city to mine for us to meet for our date would be dependent on what time he got away.  I told him my instincts were telling me there was more to him than he was letting on and he replied by telling me he had been broken by someone before and he would never do that to someone else.  I fell asleep nervous and excited.

We whattsapped back and forth a few times this morning and then early afternoon he sent me a message telling me he was about to give me my 'get out of jail card'.  I wasn't sure what he meant until a link popped up on my screen.  

I knew a few things about Mr Helicopter already, things that would normally make me shy away (he has a 7yr old for example); but as I've said, there was something about him.  I knew he had completed a marathon and had undertaken a few other charity fundraiser activities.  What I didn't know, until this morning at least... Mr Helicopter has a pretty serious, life changing, never going to go away, medical condition and the fundraising was for that relevant charity.  He had sent me a link to tell me, so I could make up my mind if I wanted to venture on our planned first date.  I was taken back.  He was yet again showing me his open hand.  No smoke, no veils, just a guy holding open his life's hand for me to step inside and take a peek.  

The link took me to a facebook page that also linked to a blog he had completed a few journal entries for.  I had just been handed his equivalent of this blog.  I had no idea what to do.  When someone reveals their whole self do you need to do the same in return, even if you aren't ready?

I had 100s of questions running round my head, none of which I was going to ask.  My instincts were right, but who could have predicted.  I had somehow stumbled upon someone who was more like me than he could know.  I had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing but I felt I owed it to myself to find out and so I told him he could keep his get out of jail free card, and to text me when he knew what time we were to meet. 

Shortly after Mr Helicopter text to tell me his doctors appointment had taken it out of him and he couldn't face the train journey through to meet me.  I was unexpectedly crushed.  quiet hot tears fell down my face.

I had been asked out by two other guys this weekend, both of which seem to want to bend any which way I ask for us to meet and here I was feeling somehow lost. The one guy who had managed to get through my shell (and I've no idea how), a guy so inexplicably similar to me I had found an inner silence had bailed on me.  He told me his secret, I told him it didn't matter and yet there I was, the girl being stood up.  I saw it coming, I'm not sure why it surprised me but it did.  The thing is... He got under my skin. Silently, honestly and unassumingly.  The one time I let myself follow the stream of uncertainty and somehow despite everything, I still ended up with hot salty water running down my cheeks.  Why am I never the girl that someone would walk 1000 miles for?

As a final cherry of humiliation, after I had stepped away with dignity and grace I dropped my phone (a good few hours later), I hadn't realised until I heard it ringing and looked down... It was calling him!  Why him I have no idea?!  He wasn't the last person I had called or text.  I hung up quickly and sent a 'sorry dropped call' text, but it doesn't matter what I said... I now look like I was being some kind of mad psycho fake dropped call lunatic!  I don't even get to look graceful in my exit.

New dress, new shoes, new moments of feeling lost.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling the whole thing so deeply.  Perhaps because there was something about this guy that just clicked and it was the first time in a long time that I had felt that way.  I just wish I hadn't been led by the hand to be left standing hopeless in the woods.  Why do the guys who need an ego boost always pick the girls with hearts stuck together with glue and string?

I think I need to try and get some space and clear my thoughts to try and find a starting point again.  The thing is, what's the point in taking the hand of someone you know could never hurt you.  

I really wish for once that there was someone there to catch me when I tripped up.  Warm and safe and full of love.  Maybe it was for the best...

Could two birds with broken wings have held hands to learn to fly again?

Charlotte Lawrence - The Finish Line
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Autumn Magic

I love autumn!  The days draw in, the night sky seems magical and anything seems possible.  Halloween, toffee apples, fireworks, streets littered with leaves, cold noses, eskimo kisses, and magic in the air.

Tomorrow is date day.  A first step in the right direction.  Facing forward and leaving heartbreaks and troubled times behind.  It's scary.

Normally at this point the night before, I've talked myself out of going: 'He isn't quite right, I'm not quite feeling it, it isn't worth the effort, I'm not ready...' This time things are different.  A different me?  A different him? Maybe just a different time in my life.   

I can't decide what to wear!?!

I had planned on going straight from work, but I'll now be leaving from home. I'm not going to tell him this as it leaves me clothing options, although maybe too many.  Flats or heels?  Skirt or dress?  Dress or Jeans?  Should I change into casual clothes?  Should I stay in work clothes with a twist?  What if I go for heels and he wants to walk a lot?  OMG what if he wants to walk a lot and my hair turns into a birds nest?!    Should I mix it up and go dress/converse?  Is that the right image?  No, I don't think it is.

It has been quite some time since I went on a date I actually wanted to rather than me placing one foot in front of the other out of a weird sense of obligation.

Deep breaths and time to focus on the bigger picture.  I want happiness and love.  I deserve happiness and love and now is the time.  It might not be this guy, but it is someone, and he is out there the same as me, waiting for chance and fate to strike.

Gavin DeGraw - Where You Are (Sweeter)

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Goodbye Wolf, Hello Raven

Much has changed since I last posted, and yet many things have stayed the same.  

I'm back in the workplace rocking a project based role which I am hoping will be the gateway to something bigger and better come next year.  As someone who has always juggled responsibilities, I can safely say that despite the company I work for being a global organisation, I have never experienced such utter chaos. The hours are long, the light is waaaaay down the tunnel, the stress levels are high, but the people, well, the people are pretty great (for the most part).  It is taking all the gumption I have to stick it out, but I will.

Health wise, things are as to be expected, 70hr weeks are taking it out of me and I'm constantly exhausted both mentally and physically.  My arm is like a pin cushion and my foundation and cunningly chosen clothes veil the surface of my skin.  I am the girl with an unfortunately lengthy 'cold'.  My team bring me lemsip and water and I make all the right appreciative noises.

My friends... they are fantastic.  I am a truly lucky person to have so many great people in my life.  Herb and Barron celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary a few days ago and came into town.  Barron hurt his eye so had to stay home, but Herb and I rocked it old school and hit up the local Oktoberfest where we had a blast.  Clio and I regularly meet for coffee and to giggle over nonsense while putting the world to rights, and Evanescance as always is my rock.  She and I rely on each other for emotional support on a daily basis... never has a stranger friendship been formed.  

My family are doing well.  My nephews have grown so much in the last couple of years.  We are forming new lines of play and walking the delicate line between aunt/nephew and friendship.  The fact we are walking this line at all I take as a true testament to my aunty-ing skills. It is a special bond, and one I am fortunate to have made.  My eldest brother got engaged towards the end of the summer and to help mend brotherly bridges I organised a dinner. Dysfunctional as we are on paper, I don't think much could break the bonds of our family, despite the strains.  I only wish they themselves reached out once in a while.  It is strange being the youngest and yet always acting as the glue. Mum is also doing well, she has found her feet and it is beginning to feel like I have a parent again.  I think an opportunity to step up and be the strength to my weakness bizarrely acted as the final trigger in what has been a really long path.  

Love life wise I haven't really been looking.  To coin a phrase... There have been bigger fish to fry.  That doesn't however mean love hasn't been looking for me.  There have been many flirts and several opportunities have presented since I last blogged.  Most of which I have declined... some things never change.  I have found myself to be quietly confident again despite feeling uncomfortable in my own skin (a battle I will fight until my last day).  Men hotter than I, have been doing the chasing, and it has nice to feel like a commodity.  My job sees me in a highly exposed role, and my cheery disposition has served me well.  My natural mojo found itself and being back in the race has only served to sex me up.  

I joined tinder a few weeks ago with friends.  We coined a whattsapp group to share our comedy finds, potentials and to discuss our dating lives.  For once, I am not a lone girl trying to embrace fun and serendipity;  This time I am part of a trio and I couldn't be happier.  We are heading out to several events over Halloween (we all love it) and it will be the first time we have seen each other in the flesh for a few weeks, however we link in each evening like clockwork for a quick girly chat and comedy kodak comparison.  

I've a few dates over the next few weeks, and I am also meeting up with Clerk for dinner/drinks (Herb thinks there is more to our meets than either Clerk or I have realised... I think she is probably right).  There is one date however that feels different.  A guy I've talked to for a week now and for some reason is rather on my mind.  He is exceptionally open and honest in many ways, and yet I feel there is more to him than meets the eye.  I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something about him that reminds me of me and it is quite perplexing.  We are meeting for the first time in person on Friday.  He has made a point of saying he prefers to get to know someone a little before meeting so everything isn't based on first impressions... Another reason I am curious as he has been quite open, both verbally and with pictures.  As you know, I tend to like remaining closed until I know who I am talking to is who they say they are. and so after pushing a little meeting on Friday has been our 'middle ground'.

For the first time in a long time I am actually nervous for all the right reasons. Not because I am head over heels and can't see the wood for the trees, but because something I can't quite work out has unexpectedly 'clicked'.  Don't get me wrong, I could meet this guy and either one of us could call the date a lemon.  I could equally pull the usual Ser3ndipity move and decide he is a great guy, but not someone I want to pursue anything with.  I just don't think either of those things is going to happen and I can't explain why...

My instincts rarely let me down so I know there has to be more than I'm bargaining for.  If only I could pin point what it is they are currently trying to tell me.  

Mr Probz - Waves
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