Black Holes

And the next line isn't revelations...

For no reason what so ever I hit a rut last night. Like a train going 100 miles an hour it came out of nowhere, knocked me off my feet and kept on going.  Nothing happened to trigger it, I was lying in bed watching some rubbish movie on tv trying to fight the urge to go to sleep too early.

Depression is a weird thing... if I told anyone they would be shocked and would think I was making some sort of macabre joke.  I mean, I guess I know that only you can help you and so there is no point in wallowing in it but its such a bizzare thing, I hate that I can't control it... I just want to shake myself shouting 'just snap out of it'.  I refuse to let a state of mental being win.. I mean i've been through a lot of crap for someone my age and i'll be screwed if I'm going to let what is really nothingness destroy me.  If only I could somehow tell that to the part of my head/brain that had me sitting on my bed sobbing hot, fat crocodile tears last night.

Truth - I stopped taking the anti-depressants the doctor prescribed me.  I felt I had been on them 6-8 weeks now and that would be enough so the last time I was there had him prescribe the same dosage, then 1/2 the original dosage too so I could try to reduce the amount I was taking.  He agreed but when I got home I decided I would just stop taking them all together as I would be fine, and I honestly thought I would be.  I mean, I should be ok without them right? 

I don't want to be one of these medication dependant 'hand me a placebo drug and i'll dance like a monkey' kinda girls.  I think I might have to give in and pop a pill today tho, I don't want to get to where I was before I decided to see the doctor for some tablets again.

I guess the irony of the whole situation is that I don't quite believe i'm not making the whole thing up.  I'm a girl struggling with depression but in my head depression is something that doesn't really exist its just a name for people who don't want to pull their socks up and get on with things... they prefer to wallow in the past and lie in a pit of self pity screaming for people to look at hard done by they are and throw sympathy over them like a warm blanket...

The trouble with that is... I'm here, stuck in a horrible, lonely and scary place that I landed last night for no apparent reason and the last thing I want is for people to know (you my lil bloggers don't count as you have no idea who I am) or to be stuck here for longer than a couple of seconds and a deep breath.

wow - not such a cheery blog today huh

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Nora Jones - Don't know why:

http://www.lyrics007.com/Norah%20Jones%20Lyrics/Don't%20Know%20Why%20Lyrics.html