Swimming like crazy

I haven't blogged for a while.  It's like everything is on overdrive, my mind is constantly weighing up eventualities, and I think through picking up the laptop to let it all out, but I never really get the chance.  It isn't helping.  I need to find a couple of hours each week just for me.

This is going to be a long one, here's where I'm at.

Family

Everything is going well, my oldest nephew graduated with a 1st from University, and my middle nephew is set for a 2nd.  I'm incredibly proud.  They are going to outdo me every step of the way in life and while it is bitter sweet, I wouldn't wish for anything different.  Mum and my brothers are doing well and next month I'm at my first cousins wedding.  He and I were close growing up, we lost touch 5 or so years ago but in that time he's found a girl and has created a family of his own.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again and wishing him well for the future.

Flat

G-Star and I are still getting on well in terms of living together.  We have a few annoyances but i works well for the most part and we have a happy, stress free home.  Our apartment is really great so I don't think either of us want to move out anytime soon, but things may need to shift a little if my relationship with Miles keeps going as it is.

Work

My new job is... a disaster!  I am stressed 9hrs a day, I dream about work, I struggle to shut off, and I can't believe I'm in the situation I am in.  I can't remember what I've already told you it's been so long so let me fill you in as quickly as I can.  I was realigned to head office,  the head of the office here has been a total cow since.  The operation is filled with her family and friends she has recruited so life has been made difficult.  There are two bullies in the office (not in my section) and nothing is being done to manage or dismiss them which is concerning, I have become the shoulder for those feeling uncomfortable.  I am looking to find a solution. 

Since realigning to head office (which 600miles away), I have found myself in a very similar situation to that which I was in on starting my previous job; the land of the outsider.  I've recruited two girls in who started last week so that should be a little less now.  There's also another woman started who equally is aligned to HQ although I'm unsure if I fully trust her at this point.  In the last three weeks I've had numerous items stolen, including a cup that still had 1/2 cup of coffee in it.  I'm 99% certain one of the boss sons is to blame.  She has been on holiday and is back on Monday (that is going to be one almighty day, I'm dreading it).  

Looking at my job from a logical perspective a few things are glaringly obvious:

1. Aligning to head office is a positive move career wise
2. I have walked into a disaster zone, a company with people on the fiddle, lazy ass employees who get paid to do nothing, a culture of fear where anyone associated to the on site 'boss' has carté blancé to terrorise the rest and several people looking to me to fix the balance
3. A person or a group of people within the environment have made it their mission to ensure I face bullying/harassment on a daily basis
4. I'm handling myself well and should be proud of myself.  My dads workplace stories always resonated with me as a kid and have stood me in good stead.
5. I have a limit to my capacity for coping with the current mine field and things are very much at a tipping point which only the next two weeks will determine.  It will ether switch up and I'll be able to feel incredibly proud of myself for sticking it out and pushing it forward, OR the whole thing will escalate without positive resolution and I'll be at capacity

I feel like life has taught me lots of lessons up until this moment in my life, and I'm having to use a heap of them to keep my chin up.  Everyday feels like I'm entering a school and while sense, grit and determination tell me I'm doing the right thing, it doesn't make anything any easier.  I'm worried I'm bottling it all up a little.

Health

I'm a little all over the place.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm at the age where my body is changing in the 'never going back' way that women's bodies do.  My (you might want to skip a paragraph or so here guys) time of the month has been incredibly different the last few months and a little research suggests my body is primed up for a last ditch attempt at making babies before shutting down service for good.   The menopause is something the women in my family have always had a hard time with and it looks like I might be the same.  I think I need to go to the doctor and be tested so I can start any hormone replacement to ease the pain as early as possible, but I'm living in a bubble of 'If I don't check then it isn't happening' denial.  I've had a couple of other blips without going into detail, and I'm struggling a lot with my weight at the moment (again, I'm in denial and need to set up a specialist appointment) so need to get my head out of the sand.

My biggest worry health wise is that I'm starting to see the swirling pattern I've seen a couple of times before, the times when despite any positives I find myself insular and on a downwards spiral to depression-land; and that bloggers, worries the shit out of me.  

With the exception of speaking on this blog, I've always kept this dark secret to myself, never quite able to vocalise it.  It sticks in my throat and I find myself very capable of putting on the perfect mask.  That's why I worry when it looms.  I'm not the shout out for help kind.  The one time I hit rock bottom it wasn't support or help I was looking for, it was a sharper piece of glass.  Someone was looking out for me that day.  I just worry.  I know from experience it's like a switch for me.  I have a few signs that something is coming and then I either get myself out of it (a long and strenuous process) or the switch could flick.  I'm petrified of that switch. 

I've become incredibly insular the last month or so.  I don't go out at weekends anymore - I was always nipping out even when I planned a weekend in.  I could sleep all the time.  I avoid plans and step away from responding to people/messages/calls/invitations.  I've stopped listening to music.  I'm stuck.  There are a million contributing factors, but I think the whirlpool that is work is the one that's plaguing me the most.  Everything I have is going in to those 9hrs a day and at the end of it I'm exhausted, irritable and just want to curl up in a ball.  The thing is bloggers, doing that doesn't help myself.  I know what I need to do, I just need to find a way to motivate my head space to do it.  I need to give myself me time.

This weekend Miles has had the kids and I've found some time.  I love talking to him as much as we do, I think I just need to find a balance.  I forget that he has all day to look after his head, I need to give myself some of the same.  I'll talk to him about it, I just hope he understands what I'm saying rather than thinking I want to step away.  I don't really want to have to explain too much.  I'm hoping he just instinctively understands.

Love life

Miles and I are still Miles and I.

I sometimes step back and look at the bigger picture with he and I and question if it is the right thing.  I know I haven't chosen the easiest path in being with him, but if I'm honest, I don't really feel like there is anything to chose.  I love him, and with every person I fall in love with, there are no alternatives.  That said, there are so many hurdles ahead of us.  

I worry about having the only income.  I worry that in being the sole provider I'll seem mean when I say no.  He has a family of 5 and I work my socks off and have very little left.  Of course I want to embrace his family as mine, but where does that leave  us if we want one of our own?  We can't.  My salary wouldn't stretch.  I don't think Miles would ever feel comfortable saving for ourselves.  I can't really get this out properly.  I wouldn't want a his old family and our new family... just 'family'.  Unfortunately Miles doesn't earn an income and mine isn't endless so despite wanting life to be like the Waltons, for me to gain the experiences and the family I want, we would have to prioritise in that way sometimes, and I just don't think Miles would be able to.  I can understand why.  

I worry about giving up my life and moving to where he is with no safety net.  If we both had incomes then I would feel safer, I would be able to make trips, have people over, go out, do things, go on holidays.  With things as they are and as they are likely to be, I wouldn't have that flexibility.  I don't hold Miles having no job against him.  He has lots of hurdles to face before that and he is hitting those hurdles one after another.  I'm incredibly proud of him.  That said, I worry he doesn't think about the same things I do.  I worry he doesn't take his homework seriously and rather a check box of something he has to do rather than something he should be thinking about daily to help support a shift.  I know what it's like to leave things to the last minute if they are hard, but I'm doing the hardest thing I can think of 9hrs a day at the moment trying to think of the bigger picture, and I need to know he is doing the same.  

We have nothing if I don't have an income.  We have no means of seeing each other, no future home, no hope.  I have to keep focused and I need to be sure he is in this as much as I am.  I promised myself with Mr X and I split up that I wouldn't make significant changes in my life for a man again, that I would put myself first.  With Miles, I know I'm already not doing that.  I think it over and over, again and again.  The thing is, if you love someone, truly love them, do you ever put yourself first or do you try to factor them into everything?  I don't want half assed half baked love.  I want the real thing.  I'm not with Miles because he is perfect on paper, I'm with him because I'm drawn to him like magnets. I'm with him because I think of him in everything I do and because when we are in a good place he gives me butterflies.

I know he cares about me.  I have watched as we've both melded and moulded over the last few months, learning to say sorry, learning to forgive, learning to put things to one side as we care for each other in a way that doesn't want to see the other upset.  He calls me when he has his children over.  The one time he could forget about me and I would need to forgive, yet he doesn't.  He makes sure to stay in touch.  He has made so many changes to his life to accommodate me and I see each and every one.  Some, selfless.  I know he pushes himself because I need him to. I DO know that.

I posted an old draft blog earlier about a girl I've called scabby and a situation we found ourselves in.  I didn't read it, it is well over a month old.  I know it was a rant.  I know it was unfinished.  I don't know where things are at with her.  I believe him when he says he will tell me if she messages.  I believe him when he tells me she hasn't.  I believe him when he tells me he loves me.  I just know there is more to the past than he has told me and while it disappears for a while, as soon as her face or name pops up it brings it all to the surface again.  I know in my heart of hearts that something went on (not in person, but virtually, over chat, message, email) during the time we weren't together.  I just really need to know what that was down to detail.  I know I'll never know.  He will never tell me.  I can't ask again.  I just hope she disappears now...

Miles and I are in a good place.  I know it probably doesn't sound like it from the above but I'm just letting it all out in one giant lump as it's been too long.  We talk daily, we laugh often, and he tells me he loves me every time we speak.  Last week he told me he missed me out of the blue.  It was so nice to hear like that, it made me all warm inside to know it just popped into his head.  

We are trying to organise some time to see each other in September.  We need to get dates organised so we can do it as cheaply as possible but everything is dependant on him bringing the subject up at his weekly therapist appointment.  He can't miss treatment to come over here, and I don't have the annual leave to be over there for a prolonged period of time.  It would be easier if Miles could travel alone.  We would have more flexibility in short trips but with the plan for him to come here on the cards I need to save AL to go and pick him up and then to drop him off.  In an ideal world I would save that time and use it for a visit to cut our time apart, but in reality that isn't currently an option.  

I am toying with asking Miles to move over if things go well on his next visit.  If we want to make it work we need to find a way to do things until a move is on the cards, and I honestly think he needs to come here for that to happen.  If I could wave my magic wand I would want him here and for this apartment to be affordable for the two of us.  Unfortunately that isn't financially viable.  Moving him in and having a discussion with my current flatmate however might be an option.  I'm not sure how G-star would react to be honest, but I'm in my 30s and relationships need time together so I guess if things fall that way I'll have the conversation and if G-star isn't on board I will need to look at an alternative - the apartment is in my name so risking a different flatmate?  Shark infested custard given the Miles situation.  We need an extra £600 a month.  I need to think it out.

I want to live together.  I want to get married.  I want Miles to ask my brother for permission to propose.  I want romance.  I want to have kids.  I want to have kids soon.  I want to find a house and to make it our own.  I want Miles to have an income of some sort.  I want to have his kids over to stay with us.  I want to ban them from fizzy juice, help them with their homework and have us all spend the weekend in a home made blanket fort.  I want family Christmas time, matching tacky jumpers, warm meals sitting on the table for me when I get home from work.  I want sunset champagne,  exotic holidays with private swimming pools.  I want a garden.  I want family BBQs and mutual friend dinner parties.  I want it all, and I want it with him.  I want it with him and his family.

Life has been one big transitional mess this year so far, but at least it is moving.  Life is moving and I'm trying my best to keep up.  I need to remember I'm a good person.  I need to remember I deserve good things.  I need to remember that love and family and friendship are all that matter and that everything else is unimportant.  

I need to be grateful.

I Can Say - Olivia Millerschin

Click for soundtrack

The Ex (unfinished 23/06)

I've alluded to this post a couple of times, but life has been in the way of blogging of late.  That said, you may need to accredit yourself with some parental guidance and a home-made beeper for this one bloggers.  It isn't going to be censored with my usual finesse.

It doesn't matter who you date, when you date, or how you date, unless you caught yourself a 21st century stone cold dating virgin (and where's the fun in that), any catch of the day will have an ex lurking in the background.  A past lover.  Someone whose lips once touched the mouth that now kisses you before bed.  Someone whose body has once laid naked next to the man/woman you can feel yourself falling in love with.  Someone who no matter how awful, can never, will never be erased.  A part of his/her past.

Don't get me wrong bloggers.  I've encountered many an ex in my past, some dauntingly attractive, some incredibly bitter and twisted, but for the most part... just a regular girl who for one reason or another is no longer in the picture.  A distant memory.  An old acquaintance.  A someone from somewhere who is still around but in no way poses a threat.  I am not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex... I've always tended to favour the approach that if they wanted to be with them they would and so why bother causing a wave.  Waves only show a lack of confidence, and despite the many nervous areas in my life; knowing the guy I'm wanting to date only has eyes for me has never been one of the grey areas.  So what if an ex is thinner, prettier, more intelligent.  I am nothing short of a human dynamo with breasts and so the odd ex conversation here and there... nothing to be phased by.

Until now...

I'm not sure I'll explain this well so I've made a pact with myself to write it out and not to look back.  I'm sure in years to come when I peek back at this blog there may be several posts I'm not overly proud of, and I fully suspect this may be one of them.  That said... Here goes...

Miles has an ex (no surprises there), only this one is well and truly under my skin; and remember that part where I said 'I'm not the type of girl to forbid contact of my man with an ex'?  Well this one is really pushing me to my limits. Ok so what do you need to know...

We shall call the ex (I'll enjoy this part)... 'Scabby'.  Scabby was Miles ex from high school.  I know, I know.  I can hear you all sighing saying 'innocent, what on earth are you worrying about', but trust me.  This one is a slippery little sucker.  When I first got with Miles I was certain the only ex of his I would worry about would be the one he had children with, I mean, who can compete with that?  I can't even play in the same batting field unless he and I get to the point of having children.  That said, I've met this particular ex a couple of times now, and I feel no intimidation at all.   If anything, I feel more confident that I am the better choice.  The prettier choice.  The more intelligent choice.  I could blog about why (and maybe I will at some point), but today isn't about her, its about the Scabby one from way way back.

As I was saying Scabby and Miles dated when she was in high school.  It was first love stuff, and after a couple of years Miles did what lots of naive young boys do at that age... He proposed.  I believe all in all they were together a couple of years.  I can't honestly remember why they split up (I would ask him again but she is a bit of a raw subject), but it was many years ago.  I think they stayed in touch on an off for quite a number of years, but when Miles met the mother of his kids she put her foot down and all exes and female friends were shut out and shut down.  Several years on now, and she and Miles were back in touch.  She with a long term partner and young kid, he single.  I don't know how long they were talking before he and I started talking, but a little while for sure.

When I first few out to see Miles I knew of Scabby.  He had told me a little about all his exes and I had told him a little about mine.  She didn't seem like a threat.  I knew they were in touch and I didn't give it a second thought.  He had told me they didn't talk often, I do however remember that much.  Anyway scroll forward a while... Miles and I don't work out, I fly back home, he and I spend months talking but sitting in no-mans-land, and then we finally decide to give it a go.  Again, all the while he and Scabby have been friends.  Jump forward a few more months and things are little more convoluted.  It might be easier if I break this down. I hasten to add that the below is a time line but the context of which was not discovered in order

• Miles comes to stay at my flat and mentions in passing that Scabby had gone through a phase of calling him when drunk (flirting was alluded to)
• Scabby texts him while he is at my house at 2am (he is sleeping but mentions it the next day)
• Miles begins to make jokes about Scabby messaging him as he likes to see me jealous
• I notice Miles is 'liking' a large amount of posts on Scabby's wall and nudge him about it
• Miles likes more posts.  Partly in a playful way I believe.  Partly because he likes to see me jealous.  Partly because he wants to prove a point that he won't be told again who he can and can't speak to (baby mama remember)
• Miles mentions that Scabby had come onto him during the time we were in no-mans-land
• Miles says it was before no-mans-land she came onto him
• Miles mentions Scabby's other half most probably doesn't know they chat
• Scabby appears to message Miles a lot on Facebook
• Miles mentions he talks to her about his mental health issues.  Things he has previously told me he has been unable to chat to anyone about until I came along

So that's the context and now here's the 'what happened next'

• Miles and I have several disagreements about Scabby in one context or another.  I am frustrated that she is utilised as a joke for him to rile me.  He is annoyed that I don't like him talking to her.
• He asks me if I want him to stop talking to her.  I reply that I don't want to control his life in that way
• I want him to stop talking to her but I don't say that as I know he has a very limited social circle and I don't want to deplete the numbers by one.
• I get increasingly frustrated by her name, his likes on her Facebook, and any idea that he might be confiding in her.
• We argue multiple times in various contexts.  I find myself getting angrier than I ever have.  
• Miles begins to shut down and shut me out when her name is mentioned
• Miles offers to let me read her messages.  I decline as I don't want to invade his privacy.
• I catch Miles messaging Scabby and see what I think to be a kinky picture.  I call him on it and it turns out he sent her a picture of some of my bondage and sex toys.  
• Miles apologises and says the context is innocent.
• Miles intimates she and he were flirting while he and I were in no-mans-land
• I start having nightmares about Miles and Scabby

And now for the kicker

• Miles and I are messing around about tell signs when people are talking.  I can't remember why but I let him know he has a tell when he is about to tell a white lie.  He puts it to the test and tells me he met Scabby just before I came over to visit him. I burst into tears knowing she has flirted while we have been talking, never quite knowing the context as he never shares.  Thinking the worst.  Thinking they have talked in a sexual way and have shared pictures when I was waiting and hoping we would be together... Could he have been looking at other options that entire time?
• Miles and I have a huge argument, the trigger of which is Scabby (again).  I royally kick off and in throwing a cushion intentionally at his chest (I know... I'll come back to this one), I clock him in the face.
• Miles and I hit peak Scabby territory
• We have a heart to heart and the day before I leave he shows me his phone and the messages.  I'm 100% convinced there were deletions.  To this day I've no idea what to do with that.

The messages

• He asks me how far I want to go back and despite thinking I would never want to invade his privacy in this way I know if I don't look we are over.  If I don't see what has been going on, I won't be able to move on.  I give him the date we made ourselves official
• Scabby tells him she has noticed we are 'Facebook official'. Miles doesn't gush or respond like I would have expected, he embraces the joke
• Scabby tells him the next day she had a dream that he and I were getting married, that he did a run at the alter and ran to a place on the beach where she knew he would be waiting for her, that she knew he and she would be in each others lives forever and that in the dream he told her that no-one would ever come between them.  Miles doesn't say much from the messages I could see (I'm hoping nothing was deleted).  He doesn't however call her a fucking lunatic either.
• Scabby begins to place kisses after her messages to him.  Miles doesn't tell her to stop
• A few messages later scabby and he are talking about 50 shades of grey.  The how or the why this conversation came about is very sketchy and I think this is where some things may have been deleted.
• Miles sends Scabby the picture I mentioned above of the sex toys.  Scabby intimates I look innocent.  The conversation ends suddenly (again I believe here there was something missing.

There are a few more.  Lots more kisses and lots more flirting.  There's also a conversation where she asks him how we are getting on and he responds saying well but that I don't get his anxiety.  That one cut like a knife.  There he is sat in my flat, being loved and supported by me, out of his comfort zone doing things he hasn't done in years and somehow I don't understand his anxiety??  The intimation is the cutting part though.  However much I might get it wrong the very conversation intimated Scabby herself was a source of comfort.  What the fuck!  

Before the flight Miles was going through older messages.  He didn't show me any (they must have been ones he really didn't want me to see), but of the couple he did there was one of Scabby wearing the engagement ring she sent him.  I mean what the hell!  The girl either has serious issues or the context of these messages is incredibly different to the light Miles has painted.  Either way... What the fuck!!!!! FUCK!

Anyway where are we now...

Miles recently said he would cut off all ties with Scabby if I asked him to.  He said he would tell her not to overstep the mark if she sent him messages in that context anymore.  Every single ball was placed in my court.  I had no idea what to do.  I was handed a loaded gun.  Point it one way and I take out the Scabby little bitch who better hope and prey I never meet her in person (I can hand on heart confirm my lack of physical violence would go out the window and her face would be mashed against the floor with my foot) but at the same time remove a friend (he maintains this athough I genuinely question it... the messages I saw mean one of two things 1.  She isn't really a friend 

(unfinished)