After all this time

Work... or fate got in the way of Friday's plans.  

Marine ended up having to work late and so rather than wait around I made other plans.  When he suggested we meet on Saturday instead I told him I already had plans (a date) and told him he would have to work on his technique if he was hoping to catch butterflies.  I had to pop into work to pick something up from my locker before meeting Clerk yesterday, I was dressed to impress and it didn't go unnoticed.  Marine spotted me and told me I looked stunning.

And then there was Clerk...

I met him off the bus and giggled as we hugged hello as he has been embracing 'movember' and had grown a beard.  It prickled against my cheek, but not as much as it might have.  We chatted and meandered through the crowds as we made our way to the Christmas market.  After looking around he suggested we should go and grab a bite.  I guided us away from the crowds of the centre of town and we found ourselves in a South American fusion place.  He ordered a bottle of wine and we fell into our usual routine, catching up, laughing and enjoying each others company.  We stayed a couple of hours and I suggested we go somewhere else for a drink.  I took us to a bar a stumbled upon a few weeks ago - twinkly lighting, relaxed vibe and a small stage where an acoustic set is regularly played.  A bar I had weeks ago decided would be a good date venue... but this wasn't a date was it?

We talked about 101 things, religion, marriage, kids, living together, magic, the theatre, music, movies, dating... everything and anything as we sipped on glass after glass of wine.  We were seated beside each other on bar stools rested against a long central table.  At some point I asked what time his bus back was and he advised he had already missed it.  There was a train in 45mins he told me,  I asked if we should order another bottle or not, we did.  Not long after we started chatting to a guy and a girl who were out as friends.  Shots bought and an order of something blue on the top shelf that had caught our eye and it is safe to say we were rather tipsy.  We reminisced over days past when we would place 'bets' against each other, the loser having to complete a dare.  New bets made we decided we would create a facebook poll asking whether he should keep (he wins) or shave (I win) the beard.  The loser to complete a dare of the others selection (For him:  To juggle as a busker for a set period of time - 18mins - during next year's summer festival.  For me: To sing/play a song on my guitar on the same stretch of road in the same festival).  We were as we always are, old friends enjoying the ease at which we interact.  Smiling and relaxed.

I'm not sure when or how things changed, but all of a sudden his fingers were entwined with mine.  I needed to pinch myself but I couldn't, so I squeezed instead.  Friends could accidentally hold hands right?  but to squeeze and to have them squeezed back could/would mean something else?  My logic wasn't exactly solid, but it seemed logical at the time so I did it.  He looked into my eyes and squeezed back.  I had no idea what to do, where to look, what to say.  What did it mean?  Before I knew it our lips had found each other, his tongue was stroking mine and there I was... In a bar, his hands entwined against mine and his lips pressed firm yet gentle against mine.  We kissed.

I never thought this moment would happen, I mean I've wondered but I was never going to make a move and he well... Clerk doesn't do things like that.  I could never have been sure how I would feel... Would it feel like kissing a brother?  There had always been that danger.  It didn't.  I was so lost in the moment and so taken back by the whole thing.  What did it mean?  What does it mean?

He had told me as our last round of shots came that he was going to stay at my apartment and I smiled in agreement.  There was no undertone.  He isn't that kind of guy, and I am not that kind of girl.  It was always going to be a possibility and my sofa was his anytime he needed it.  He told me he couldn't drink anymore and I was feeling the same too.  We grabbed our jackets and headed outside.  I have no idea why, but as we were holding hands (I think we were holding hands) I kept asking him the question 'really?'  I then asked him as the taxi pulled up if we were going to pretend it had never happened.  I have no idea what was going on in my head. 

Guys don't kiss girls unless they want to.  Clerk certainly didn't have a habit of kissing random girls.  I felt like I had to build up a wall and I don't know why... I told him he had kissed me and he needed to decide whether we were going to pretend it hadn't happened by the time the cab pulled up by my place.  When it did, he told me he was going to ask it to take him home... 60miles away.  I asked him if he was serious and he looked at me sadly and said yes.  I don't know what happened.

What has happened?

I don't know how I feel.  I don't want to lose my friend, lose being able to hang out like we do, being able to joke and jest with him without him thinking everything has an agenda.  Have him think I've always been waiting for him, for this.  Who kissed who?  How did it happen?  Was it conscious?  Did he think about it before his fingers found mine?  Was it drunken or was it something that was always going to be?  

I haven't heard from him today.  I sent him a looooooooooooooong message after his cab drove off.  He saw it an hour later (whattsapp is a dangerous tool), and when I woke this morning he had logged back in at 5ish am so I am assuming he read it again.  He hasn't been online since and I whole heartedly wish I had dealt with the whole thing differently.  I can't change things now though.

I may have lost a friend.  I don't want to lose him.

The thing is... was it a drunken mistake?  

One, Two, Three

Life is a blur at the moment.

Work is incredibly stressful, my peer group and several a level above me are crumbling.  Tears here, cracks there (not mine as of yet I hasten to add), however, I am definitely feeling the strains, but I'm focused on the prize.  Once the end of January comes around I can re-assess knowing I've made my part of the project a success.  I'm not so sure about other two women in my peer group.  Our department is most definitely the most exhausted; fighting fires and holding up the operational side of things with future planning and 'quick fix' plasters.  Unfortunately there's only so long you can work at that pace before things start to slip.  Mistakes are made, deadlines get lax, and when the machine of industry is in full motion... some people are going to get mowed down.  I got a call from internal resourcing on Thursday night pitching me a job.  A few succinct questions later and it appears I am being 'vetted' for one of my colleagues positions.  On Friday she called to advise me her probationary period had been extended as they weren't happy with her outputs, and both the portfolio directors and client had voiced their concerns.  I'm to call back resourcing on Monday to discuss things further.  The money would be a 10K uplift before I negotiate (and I always negotiate), but I'm not certain I could take it in clear conscience. 

I had a guy friend over for dinner and drinks last night.  We work together, but I've known him in a prior life and so it was great to catch up.  He is gay and I almost choked on my wine when he commented on Marine and his physique, mentioning he had seen him at my desk several times this week and that the girls in the department had been more than happy to see him in our area of the building.  It isn't news to me that Marine has a female following within the office; he is charismatic, confident, somewhat flirtatious, and his suit skims his muscles and toned body in all the right ways. I smiled, made a nod of agreement, and bit my tongue. 

Marine and I are meeting tonight for an honest conversation over a drink. 

There are lots of topics to be discussed if we are contemplating entering a BDSM arrangement.  What do we both want out of it, where are our limits, what are our curiosities, and now for the curve ball... Will my search for pleasure really let me overlook the silver circle on his left hand.  Yes bloggers, you read it right. The duct tape halo is currently in hand ready to be dis-guarded.  Not a relationship, not a dramatic complication, just pure, deviant, boundary pushing, unadulterated sexual fun.   

The last few days we have exchanged quite a few messages, playful and serious alike, and he has called most evenings where I have listened intently to the stories of the twists and turns of his life. At his playful and yet quietly confident request I've not touched myself or orgasm for the last two days.  Under the right hands my body would move like water at the slightest fingertip touch.   I've been pursued by people who at first glance are like Marine before, however he has depths and traits so familiar to me and yet so rare to find.  He reminds me of someone.  Someone safe yet daring. Bumped and bruised yet resilient and unbroken.  Painted face, clear agenda.  Eye on the prize.  Unguarded.  

"I have lived the majority of my fantasies, and the others I am sure we will develop together... I have an agenda, and it is centered around pleasing myself by pleasing you... Our fun would be with you and me, no sharing, and in depth.   I do not want to break you, this is not my thing.  I want to build you up.  I want you to feel like when I look at you in work; while nobody else knows around us, you have a flip in your tummy and a wettening that make you know you're mine."

It isn't often I find someone that can make me tongue tied, but he certainly has that particular talent. I'm not sure many would notice, he however has.  Gentle in approach, I feel intellectually and mentally guided; like walking into a crowded room and finding an unexpected hand in the small of your back as you start to stumble, guiding you to your destination.  Never pushing, always attentive.  The waters should look muddy, but they feel crystal clear.  

Amy Stroup - Far From Here

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Fire

Let me try and get you up to speed...

Mr Helicopter got back in touch.  He took me on a date and quite frankly I was found wanting.  He has 101 things going on in his life, and doesn't seem to be able to juggle very well.  I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but when things are that hard at the start, they probably weren't meant to be.

The registrar was short lived.  He was very much a man set in his ways and despite his career seemed lacking in the get-up-and-go I seek for in a potential match.

The hotelier is still on the scene.  He is very keen that we make a go of things despite a career move taking him 400miles in the wrong direction.  We skype and flirt and he is currently looking at flights to/from my city so he can 'romance me into being his'.  He is very much a man with a family plan, and I'm not ruling him out of the equation until I get to know him better.

That being said, I told you I was going to embrace life with new zest now I've found my career feet again, and I have.  In the last couple of weeks I've been chatting, meeting and flirting with people... hey it's a numbers game!  This coming weekend I am meeting Clerk with a view to working out exactly how I feel, and I have a date on Sunday also.  Friday night,  well that is something all together different.

As you know, I dipped my toe into the world of BDSM and fetish and I was not found wanting.  It is a world of sexual wonder and I was quite frankly like a kid in the candy shop.  I've been along to a few meets and have made a few kinky friends along the way.  I even have a 'cleaner' who ensures several areas of my apartment are spotless at all times (it wouldn't do well to disappoint me).  No, it is safe to say I've dipped my toes in and have tested the waters in a few mini adventures, but never in the realm I was most curious... submission.

Since joining the site I am on and integrating myself in the community, I've continually kept my eyes open for a dominant man for either a relationship or closed 'play'.  Basically a bf or a kinky fb.  I had peeked down the rabbit hole, but it was going to take a very specific type of gentleman to make me jump;  the kind of gentleman I felt was lacking in my local vicinity... until now.

Around three weeks ago I held yet another training session at work with new managers brought into the project now we have stabalised.  As usual I smiled throughout, and as usual several of them made a point in coming to chat to me in the days that followed.  I am a different kind of Ser3ndipity in work, my mask of confidence is strong and my smiley and enigmatic disposition often sees me in good favour, especially with male colleagues.  That day was slightly different however...

On walking into the room my eye was immediately caught by a confident and handsome guy with a cheeky grin.  His eyes met mine immediately and as I was setting up he was chatting to me like we had met before.  I assumed our paths had crossed in another vocation, but I couldn't quite work out where.  After the meeting he asked the same 'Ser3ndipity, your face seems really familiar, have we met before?'  I suggested a few places but nothing clicked.   A few days later I passed him at reception as I was leaving the building.  He called for my attention as I was walking out, again questioning my familiarity.  It was beginning to play on my mind that we had met in a dating capacity but he didn't push.  

We are now several weeks later and having spoken several times over the weeks in passing I found myself starting to blush at our interactions.  Never inappropriate, always work related, however there was some kind of underlying tone.  Then, one day last week he offered a story; one surrounding his business (he runs several outside of his role), that quipped at a 'client home visit' and their reluctance to agree.  A few words back and forth, an innuendo about handcuffs here, a joke about whips there and I start to feel the penny drop... 'Oh my goodness... I think I know where we have met before'.

We became 'facebook friends' just under a week ago.  That door opened another, and after texting his gentle suggestions had me suggest where we may have met before.  'Why don't you try me with a few acronyms... FB for facebook etc.' he suggested.  After playing coyly for a while I took a risk and typed the letters I had been curious and nervous about all along... Bingo!  It appears I'm not the only person at work with a liking for 'kink'.  He advises me he recognised my face immediately, and my reaction to his story only segmented what he knew the first day he had questioned our acquaintance... We were both pleasure seekers.  He advised me I could use this as assurance that he could be discrete, that we had spoken online briefly and I had told him I didn't think he was my type.  I was also told this had been most disappointing.  A few texts/messages back and forth and he made his hoped intentions clear.  I hasten to add, in a most delicious way.  I told him my apprehensions especially in written communication and he advised he understood and that my confidence in his discretion was of the utmost importance.

This morning when I arrived at work he asked if I was free at 10am.  I advised I was and when he arrived at my desk he asked for my bag with a smile.  I didn't question him... I'm not sure why.  He placed inside a mobile phone complete with sim card and tariff that he had taken care of.  No pressure, no conditions... just a line of communication that he advised would ensure my anonymity.  

There will be more to tell I am sure, but for now (based on his prior vocation), let us call him The Marine.

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire

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