Winning

Out of nowhere last night I told him.  It was right before bed and the timing couldn't have been worse, but having spent the last few days wondering about timing and opportunity and having all open questions about what's going on in life with deflection,  the words just spilled from my tongue.

There were tears (mine not his),  and there was huge miscommunication.  He said he would do it declaring I had 'won',  I explained winning had nothing to do with it and told him I wanted him to understand why it was important and reasonable.  He just kept referring to it as winning.  I broke down and said I needed to go.  He said nothing and hung up.

After I had calmed down I rang back,  he picked up straight away.  We tried to talk it out again but as soon as he said I should just 'take the win' I was sobbing again.  Why would anyone see their other half hurting and think what they were asking was in any way shape or form a win.  Conversation from him also touched upon deleting and blocking her from Facebook having no real barrier as she had his number and various social medias.  I clarified I had asked him to delete and clock her in full not one specific platform.  Why was that not incredibly obvious?

We ended the conversation unsettled and with him telling me he would delete and block her as he didn't need to understand why if it was hurting me. This wasn't before everything twisted another few times in the process though.  Twists about when we were dating we could have been seeing multiple people... wtf?!

I didn't sleep well at all. My body has started to play up,  with no medication,  the stress from work,  the long hours I'm working at the moment with no day off,  getting the place ready for his visit and now this... my body broke yesterday.  I feel dreadful today.  I should really call in sick but I can't,  I need to try keep busy.  Taxi to work today,  maybe a drive by the chemist on the way.

I checked this morning... She is still on his Facebook.  I assume everything else is the same.  He got a text/notification at 7am.  Great.

If this is winning...

I want my loving,  logical,  considerate,  compassionate boyfriend back.  There's zero sign of a 'Daddy' at the moment,  when it really counts.

Better get my shaky on my feet ass up.  Heaps of makeup is the only way I'll pull off normal today

Delete & Block - Ser3ndipity or Scabby

I've been awake for hours (it's 5am) and tonight is the second night.  I know what it is.  I knew straight away.  It feels like a hopeless cause though and I've no idea what to do with it.

I jump on a plane in a week to see Miles again.  I'm only there a week but he is coming back with me to stay for a couple of months again.  I can't wait.  He and I are in a really good place and I can genuinely see us going the distance.  I adore his family,  I'm think his kids are fab,  and I love him.  I love him in this calm warm secure way I've never really encountered before.  It's great.  We have overcome a lot to get to where we are right now and I think if we can do that (and we have),  then there really shouldn't be anything we can't face together and win.

And here's the fly in the ointment...

Scabby is still on the scene.  I haven't thought about her for weeks,  I mean she has popped into my head enough for me to ask a few times if she had been in touch with Miles; other than that just a passing thought.  Until recently. You see the last place Miles and I left the Scabby thing was me biting everything down not wanting to ask him to remove someone he considered a friend even though she is clearly a bitch trying to cause problems because I didn't want hi to feel isolated and so agreeing in one of the biggest compromises I've ever found myself making;  that so long as Miles let's me know when she is in touch and assures me the next time she is to cut out her shit and to forcefully call her on any bullshit I'll let it go.  The problem is bloggers according to Miles she hasn't been in touch and as a logical person that only leaves me with two conclusions:

1.  Scabby has realised from posts we have made,  our trips back and forth and and a newly found tone from Miles in their last interaction that we are serious and has backed off to the point she hasn't emailed,  been in touch with him or commented or liked any of his posts in the last three months (despite this previously being a theme) and in doing so proving without the flirtation that actually had no friendship in the first place - I mean friends don't just drop off the planet if they give a shit

OR

2.  Scabby is still in touch and Miles isn't being truthful

I have a tendency to believe the first,  in fact I am 90% confident it is the first,  at least I was until I found myself applying logic again.  Damn logic.

If 1. Is right and Scabby has disappeared from all contact then given she knows about Miles and his anxiety and daily challenges there can't have been a friendship there,  and if there is no friendship there this causes 2 problems:

A.  Their previous interactions may not have been friendship based at all.  The other possibility may have been the body of their contact and while I've no appetite to cover old ground (I made my decision to let it lie despite being confident the text I saw had pieces missing and so in good conscience I can't change that decision and raise it with Miles again.  You make decisions in life and for better or worse you have to be able to live with them or any relationship is doomed with arguments recalling what happened 5yrs ago etc.) if there is no friendship there then my compromise has no reason to exist.  The emotional support,  argument for not wanting to lose a friend etc.  It's all moot point.  If there's no friendship and Scabby hasn't messaged him even once to ask how he is doing in the last three months (quarter of a year) then my heart breaking compromise is no longer needed.  Scabby should just be a delete and block,  only Miles hasn't done this.

B.  Miles has been honest and Scabby's previous intentions prove my intuition right.  She WAS a problem and she ISN'T a friend and Scabby should be a no loss delete and block.  As above though,  Miles hasn't done this.

If 2. Is right then Miles is lying to me and should this ever come to light unless from his own lips in the immediate future (given it's a bit of a topic the last couple of days),  then regardless of where we are in our relationship,  I'll walk.

I've no way of knowing.  Unfortunately life doesn't always give you the black and white truth and so an educated decision is all you can make;  you need to be able to live with whichever route you take.  The last time I took an entirely compromising one,  a route that had me draw a line despite knowing there must have need a few deleted messages.  A route that had me bite everything down to a couple of 'I couldn't help myself' questions about if she had been in touch despite him telling me he would let me know if she had.  A compromise that I believed at the time left him with something he needed,  something positive.  A friend,  however twisted.  A person he could confide in who in any other circumstance would be a hard line,  but given his situation was a compromise I would try to push myself to the limits to work with.

The thing is bloggers,  if Scabby hasn't been in touch then fuck the compromise!

The last two days I've had nightmares and unsettled sleep.  It plays on my mind that she hasn't been deleted and blocked.  Miles has vocalised two concerns over my ex's and both were dealt with immediately.  One I cut out completely the instant he expressed he was uncomfortable (he didn't even need to ask). The other - a friend before an ex and someone I've known over 20yrs,  put wildly in his place and met with immediate apology and instantly rectified tone.  Both inappropriate interactions I shared with Miles immediately I hasten to add.

I expressed the above to Miles yesterday.  I broke down unexpectedly following my dream and all compromises disappeared.  I told him I wanted her deleted and blocked.  I said she can't be a friend if he is telling me she hasn't been in touch.

Miles response was to remind me his ex made him cut all contact with the women in his life.  I reminded him this scenario was entirely different.

I had thought when I came home from work yesterday given the mess I was I. When I left would have seen me return to a clean slate.  I expected his love for me would be enough to weigh it all up and make the moves I would... the person he says he loves and talks about marriage and kids with is crying on a Friday morning hot fat tears because of an insecurity of a person he says he hasn't heard from I. Three months.  Miles tells me his relationship with his ex was an unusual love, that this is different,  that he is better when he is with me,  that I am important.  Miles deleted an entire list of people for his ex however,  people it seems were his genuine friends and acquaintances.  Yet here we are... Scabby still in the picture.

I feel like I'm going mad.  I'm starting to doubt things I don't want to doubt.  If what he is telling me is true and he loves me like he says he does then it's a no brain scenario.  I shouldn't even have to ask.

We will see what the next couple of days brings.  I can't go on like this,  I feel insecure,  I'm not sleeping and I'm starting to doubt everything... I don't want to.  I love the way he makes me feel,  I am so incredibly content and happy until I realise the fly.

If nothing changes I'll have to bring it up again and we will have to have (yet another) conversation.  I know where my head will end up if things remain the same,  and I can't have that.  It's no good for him, and it's no good for me.

Ultimately I'm only asking for the same respect I've shown him and so I need to stop second guessing myself.  I compromised when I didn't want to and EVERYONE i spoke to about it told me not to.  I bent because I fet his circumstance needed that allowance,  but now it's different.  If she hasn't been in touch she isn't  friend and so deleting and blocking ber should even matter.  There shouldn't even be a second thought about it.  If there is a second thought then why and I mean WHY! All logic at that point leads to untruths and darker places... places I don't want Miles and I to exist and places I genuinely thought we weren't in.  Ok so I felt there was a significant grey area before,  but I put my eggs in the Miles basket.  I drew a line in the sand,  I stopped questioning and I haven't brought it up since, but a grey area now... I won't have it.

I know it's a case of Ser3ndipity or Scabby.  Nothing less wil do.